I want my spunk back.

No, really.  I’m sick of being hurt and upset and I’m really tired of remembering John and all the nasty shit he’s said to me.  I just want my sarcasm and my spunk back.  I want to enjoy this tour, too, because it’s a huge gift for me and my career and I don’t want to spend the entire thing moping around.

I also want things to go back to normal between Justin and me.  He’s been acting really strange since having dinner with me and my parents, and I don’t like the fact that I feel like I can’t joke around with him anymore.

I have a feeling that all of this strangeness is because of my parents the night we had dinner.  My mom was not-so-subtly whispering to me how handsome Justin looked, and how cute we would look together…blah blah blah.  You get the idea.  I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone’s face turn that many shades of red before, but I’m sure my face was just as bad.  What’s worse is that my father kept asking Justin about his future plans and how he intended to support his family when this whole music thing died down. 

Needless to say, it was a complete disaster and I don’t blame him for being distant.

“What’s up, chick?”  Rachel plops down on the couch in my dressing room and I roll my head to the side so I can look at her.

“Nothing.  Bored as fuck.”  The lint on my pants gets pretty interesting, and it keeps me from having to acknowledge the stare that Rachel is sending my way.

“Still waiting for Justin to talk to you?”

I snort a response and she laughs at me.  What a jerk.

“Abbey, you’re acting like a high schooler or something.  So what, you had a shitty dinner out with your parents and they embarrassed you and Justin.  Who cares?  Why are you acting like it’s the end of the world?  Just go talk to the guy.”

This earns an eye roll, and I turn slightly so I can see her better.  “It’s not that easy.” 

“Yes, it is.  You say ‘hey, boss man, didn’t dinner suck?’ and he says ‘Hey Jude, it did suck.  You’re mom is crazy.’ And then you two make fun of each other and the world is restored to its proper karmic balance.” 

You know something, Rachel sucks at impersonating people.  I mean, her impressions of our voices were way off, and what is with the karmic balance crap? 

“Huh?”  I stare at her, wondering why I even bothered to tell her how upset I was in the first place.  She’s supposed to be comforting me and all that girly shit, not making fun of me and doing it poorly, I might add.

“Stop sulking, Abbey Rhodes.”

“But he’s the one avoiding me!”  My voice cracks and I cringe.  I have a show to do in a couple of hours and I shouldn’t be yelling, but she made me do it.

“So, confront him about it.  Justin will keep avoiding you unless you two just talk it out and laugh about it.”

The worst part is that I know she’s right, but I would never tell her that.  Something that runs in the family: ego.  If I mentioned to Rachel that she’s said something remotely impressive, she reminds me of it for weeks.  Kind of like some other person I know on this tour…anyway.

“Why should I have to confront him about it?  He’s the one acting all crazy and shady about stuff.  I mean, I know that dinner sucked and all, but it wasn’t like I was the one drooling all over him, it was my mom!”

“Did you ever think that maybe some of what your mom said hit a little close to home, and Justin is staying away because he doesn’t want you to know how he feels about you?”  Rachel says that like she’s serious.  The eye roll that comes next actually hurts a little, but c’mon, that was the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.

“Yeah, right.”  I stare at her for a second, “Have you been smoking Marty’s blunts again, Rach?  You know, you should really stop doing that, that shit is making you hallucinate.”

She chuckles a little and stands up from the couch.

“Whatever, deny it if you want, I’m just calling it like I see it.”

“Wait, what?”  I really can’t believe that she was serious when she said that. 

This time her eyes roll, “Oh come on, Abbey, it’s so obvious that the guy has feelings for you.”

“No, it’s impossible.”  I shake my head with such force that it starts to give me a headache.  “There’s no way that Justin has any other feelings that friendship for me.  Besides, he’s got Jill.”

“Not anymore, she split with him in Memphis last week.  They were on the rocks anyway, I’m not surprised it happened at all.”

I sit back heavily against the couch and think this new idea over.  It’s ridiculous and preposterous and stupid, really.  I mean, Justin and I have been close for the past year and a half, but there’s no way that he feels anything other than friendly vibes.  The guy is like my brother, for pete’s sake.  We make fun of each other for our horrible taste in relationships…he can’t have feelings for me.  He just can’t.

“I have to go get some stuff done, but I’ll see you after your show.  I’m gonna crash on your bus tonight.”  I wave as Rachel leaves the room and suddenly the silence seems to be too much.

I really hate that she just put this thought in my head, because now I’m paranoid that something is going on.  I really just want my friendship back, and I don’t want to start second guessing everything that Justin does for me.  I especially don’t want to start reading into things and making a huge deal out of everything only to find out that he thinks of me as a little sister.  It would be embarrassing as hell for both of us.

Dammit, why can’t the drama just stop?  I mean, I finally get rid of John and suddenly I’m thrown into an episode of General Hospital.  Which, by the way, just killed off Jill’s character and I’m pretty excited about it.  Now that she’s out of Justin’s life I don’t have to pretend to like her anymore, thank God.

I don’t know what to do, either.  I desperately want things to go back to normal with me and Justin, but now that Rachel has planted this crazy idea in my head I’m worried that we can’t be friends again.  I’m being stupid, I know, but really…I think I have a right to freak out a little.

I’m going to forget what Rachel said for now and just chalk JT’s avoidance up to embarrassment over dinner the other night.  Yeah, that’s it.

Ugh.

It’s always so awkward when I find out that someone likes me and I don’t really return the feelings.  I mean, not that Justin likes me, but still.  I never know if what I’m saying is sending the wrong signals, so I usually just end up avoiding them until I think they’ve forgotten that they like me.  It’s really…juvenile.  And really, Justin having a thing for me would just break so many rules in so many ways.  He’s my boss, one of my best friends…world renowned singing sensation who has millions of fans that would slaughter me in a second…

OK, I’m getting carried away.  Justin does not have a thing for me, and I’m going to prove it by finding him and talking to him and things are going to go back to normal.

Right.

I leave the confines of my dressing room and head toward the stage.  I think Justin’s at sound check now, but I’m not sure.  Although, I hear music coming from up ahead, so my assumption just might be correct.

I spot Kenny and a couple other dancers lingering in the wings.

“Hey guys,” I offer a wave and they answer back.  “Rehearsal?”

“Yeah, there was trouble with one of the lifts so we’re doing a run through to make sure it’s all working.”  Nick answers, and I stop to chat with them for a second before Justin’s voice comes booming over the speakers, calling everyone on stage.

“That’s our cue.”  I watch them exit under the stage, so I walk around and head toward the seats. 

I know I’m not thinking about Justin in anything other than friendly terms (maybe it’ll stop him from thinking of me in any other way too) but I really do love to watch that man perform.  Especially in rehearsals, because he is a genius and he just…I don’t know, he’s captivating.  Obviously, or he wouldn’t be the superstar he is today, but there’s something special about that guy.  I feel blessed to be on this tour.

I grab a seat near a couple of the crew members and watch as Justin and the dancers run through a song.  The lift works and everything seems to go smoothly, so everyone leaves and I take my opportunity to catch Justin and fix whatever it is that’s come between us.

“Hey boss man.”  If he’s surprised that I’m there his face doesn’t show it.  He waves casually as he chugs a bottle of water.

“Hey Jude.”  Well, that’s a good sign.  He’s using the nickname. 

“Is everything OK?”  There’s an obvious double meaning behind my question but he ignores it for the moment and nods toward the stage while answering.

“Yeah.  The lift was slow, but it was just a hydraulic problem, we’re all set now.”  He finishes off the water and tosses the bottle at Rachel, who gives me the thumbs up behind his back.

“Are we cool, Justin?”  I get an eyebrow raise and feel the need to elaborate.  “I mean about dinner.  I’m sorry my mom was being so strange…and I just wanted to make sure you didn’t hate me or anything.”

He laughs, which I’m taking as a good thing.  “Don’t worry about dinner, Jude.  Your mom was just being…your mom.  It’s cool.”

I let out a breath, but still can’t help but feel that something is still off.  I’m not sure how to bring it up, though, and I certainly don’t want to mention anything about him liking me…because he doesn’t.

“Do you want to sound check now?”  He breaks through my thoughts and I give him a shrug.  “Bill’s still out here and he’s all ready for you, you might as well get it over with now.”

I grab the microphone that Bill’s holding out for me and take a seat at the piano that’s appeared on the stage. 

To my surprise, Justin takes a seat next to me on the piano bench and starts to mess around.  I give him a look at he shrugs, grinning at me as he starts to play one of my songs.  I sing for a minute or two, stopping every now and then so Bill can adjust the levels and get everything set. When he gives me the thumbs up, I stop Justin and take over the keys.

“Okay, boss man,” I say, pushing him a little, getting set before I start to play a familiar base line that has him cringing.  I laugh a little as I start to sing.  “You’re all I ever wanted…”

He tries to stop, but I box him out with my shoulders and continue to play “I Want You Back” through my bouts of laughter.  Much to my delight, his face has turned quite red, and it gets worse when a few of the crew start to sing along with me.

“I hate you, Abbey Rhodes.”  He says with a laugh, and attempts to stop me one more time. 

“Oh, you love me, Justin Timberlake.”  Suddenly there’s an awkward pause between us and my fingers stop running over the keys.  He stares at me with a look that I can’t place and I wonder if I just said something really wrong.  I watch as he licks his lips and shifts his eyes away from me, scanning over the arena.  He runs a hand over his head nervously, avoiding making eye contact again.

“You’re all set, Abbey.”  Bill calls over to us and breaks the tension a little, but it just comes back as soon as he and the other crew members leave the immediate area and it’s just me and Justin.

Why the fuck is this happening?  Really, this is not what I want and I hate the fact that I’m going to worry about everything I say now.

“Justin…” I set my hands on the piano and strike a couple of chords; trying anything I can to change the mood around us.

“Yeah?”  He looks over and me and I still can’t place the look on his face.

“Are you OK?”  My plan is to play dumb.  Maybe this will all go away if I just play dumb.

“Yeah, I’m cool.”  His own hands settle on the keys and he starts to play and old Elton John song.  “Did you know that Ben & Jerry’s is making Elton his own flavor ice cream?”  He talks as his fingers sweep the keys and I don’t really know how to respond.  “I guess he’s playing in Vermont for the first time ever, so they’ve come up with Goodbye, Yellow Brickle Road.  Chocolate ice cream with peanut butter cookie dough, other stuff like that.”

“Really?”  I don’t know where this is headed, but I’m thankful for the new topic.  Justin seems to have forgotten the awkward moment we just had, or he’s pretending he did.  I don’t know how to handle this, so I’m just going to take his lead and go with it.

“Yeah.  I’m thinking that when we stop in Vermont we should go to Ben & Jerry’s and get a tour, free samples or some shit like that.”

“Sure.  I’m always up for free ice cream.”

He nods his head, not saying anything else as he continues to play.  I wonder what’s happened between us, and I can’t help but replay Rachel’s words in my head.  There’s no way that Justin Timberlake could have a thing for me.  Not a snowball’s chance in Hell. 

But what if he does?

I mean…what do I do if my boss likes me?  The guy that I’ve been a fan of for years; the guy that’s making me a star; the guy that sucks at Guitar Hero but can play a real guitar like a god…

Nope.  Impossible.  I refuse to entertain these thoughts anymore.  There is nothing but brotherly/sisterly love between us and it’s going to stay that way.

“Hey,” My voice grabs his attention, but he doesn’t stop playing.  “What do you say I kick your ass in Guitar Hero?”

Abruptly, his hands stop moving and his eyes focus in on me.  “You’re on.  And don’t be too sure about kicking my ass this time…I’ve been practicing.”