Ben & Jerry’s!?
Did I really ignore her obvious question and change the subject by talking about Ben & Jerry’s?
Wow, Timberlake, you’re a fucking idiot.
This whole thing is really throwing me off, and now that Jill is out of the picture I have nothing to distract me from the niggling voice in the back of my head that keeps reminding me that I’m attracted to my artist/friend. What’s worse is that my best friend and cousin have caught onto my sudden influx of feelings and neither of them will leave me alone about it.
It’s getting really annoying and it’s making me want to deny everything even more, just so I can prove that they’re wrong. Oh…I wish they were wrong.
“Where’s your other half?” Rachel tosses her purse and a bag down on the couch in my suite and flops herself down.
“He had some stuff for Rast to get done so he left to meet up with Joe.” We’re currently in Chicago so Trace decided to fly out and get some work done with our buddy Joe that lives in the area. I would’ve gone with him, but I had some phone interviews to get done so I had to camp out here. Not a fun time.
“I was talking about Abbey. You two are generally connected at the hip.” I decide to ignore the obvious jab.
“She had a photo shoot today and an interview. She’ll be back around two, and the she has a phone interview to do with TRL before sound check.”
Rachel gives me a long stare and I know she can’t keep herself from commenting. “You sure do know a lot about her location.” She says that like I’m being creepy or something.
“I’m her manager.” I use my best ‘duh’ voice.
“Yeah, but not her personal assistant. I know shit like that about you because you’d be wandering around like an idiot if I didn’t, but I can guarantee that Johnny doesn’t always know your whereabouts.”
I close my eyes and count to ten. This is all starting to get on my nerves. “First off, I don’t walk around like an idiot when you’re not around. Secondly, I know Abbey’s shit because Trish is worthless and I’m trying to make sure her career goes as smoothly as possible. We’re also on tour together, so it makes it pretty damn easy to know who has to be where at what time.”
She holds her hands up in defense and stands up from the couch. “No need to get touchy, Timberlake.”
“Yeah, well if you’d get off my fucking back about Abbey and whatever crush you think I have, I might not get so upset.” This time the hurt look on her face is real and I almost feel bad for snapping.
“You’re lucky we’re related, because that’s the only reason I’m not walking out of this hotel right now.” She slams the door to the other room of the suite and I cringe a little. Maybe I was out of line with that last comment, but I am seriously sick of hearing about my feelings for Abbey, especially since I haven’t been able to figure them out myself. I find it hard to believe that other people would know more about how I’m feeling than I do, and I just want to be left alone so I can figure some shit out for myself.
Part of me worries that this crush comes from my break up with Jill and the fact that I’ve always had more fun with Abbey. I mean, we’ve been friends for a year now and being around her is a blast, but I’d never imagined what it would be like to kiss her until the past few weeks. In my book, that’s an obvious sign because I don’t normally walk around wondering what it’s like to kiss girls. I’m still not convinced though.
I do know that I’m trying really hard to ignore it, but it’s damn hard. She’s been trying to spend more time with me lately, and because we’ve talked I can’t avoid her anymore. I mean, it was pretty silly of me to try and avoid her to begin with. I just…I still don’t know what to say to her, and I’m trying so hard to remind myself that it’s just Abbey, but every time I look at her I see someone I didn’t see before.
I’ve always thought she was beautiful, but after witnessing her stand up to John and dealing with all that shit….she’s…
Ah shit, I’m getting all gushy and shit. This can’t be good.
Rachel keeps telling me to talk to her and just lay it all out, but I know that it’s not that simple. I just have this gut feeling that Abbey isn’t ready to hear about any non-platonic feelings, and I really don’t want to mess up our friendship. Well, I don’t want to make it any more awkward than it already is.
I don’t know what to do and it’s putting me in a pretty bad mood (which Rachel would gladly attest to, I’m sure). I’m thinking that getting out of this hotel room will help, and I haven’t been to the gym in a while, so that’s where I think I’m gonna head off to.
I hate it when a thought like this gets stuck in my head, because then I dwell on it and let it grow into a huge problem until it completely consumes me. I know that Abbey Rhodes is all I’m going to be able to think about until I can get some space away from her so I can get over whatever these feelings are. The only problem with that is we’ve still got another two months together on this tour and I am her manager…that doesn’t leave a lot of time apart. Maybe I’ll schedule some time in Europe so I can get away for a minute.
That’s so horrible, isn’t it? Figuring out ways to get out of the country so I can get over some girl.
Mick is outside my suite when I exit the room, so I grab him and take him down to the gym with me. Normally I can go alone and I’m not bothered, but I would like a little company today, and Mick’s a kick ass sounding board.
I set up at the bench press and wait for Mickey to spot before I start my reps. He eyes me carefully and I know that he’s figured out that something it wrong.
“You going to tell me what’s in your head, or are you going to make me wait it out?” I don’t say anything, only let out a breath as I push the bar up one last time and guide it onto the stand.
“Am I that obvious?” We move to the leg press. He grabs a seat next to me as I adjust the weight and get settled.
“You only have that look on your face when something is on your mind, and I know you’re looking for someone to spill to because I’m guessing Rachel and Abbey have spouted their opinions and you’re not sure what to do with them.”
“You’re close.” I start my reps, trying to organize my thoughts so I can make some sense. “Rachel and Trace have spouted their opinions because this time it’s about Abbey.”
He looks worried for a second, “Is she OK? It’s not that John guy, is it?”
“Oh hell no.” I grunt out as I finish my last set. “He’s long gone, as far as I know. This is about me and Abbey.”
A small grin breaks out on his face, “I was wondering how long it would take for the two of you to start something. I thought it would have been long before now.” Am I the only one that never saw this coming? Seriously.
“There’s nothing going on between us.” I might be pouting, and I’m damn glad that there isn’t anyone else in this room to witness this.
“Right, but you want there to be something.” He follows me over to the free weights and I plop down on the bench, giving him a long stare.
“Yeah, I do. It’s driving me fucking crazy, Mick. I can’t get this chick out of my head and everything inside me tells me that it’s wrong. I mean, she’s my artist and I manage her career, that could get pretty messy. And one top of that, she’s one of my best friends. I don’t want to ruin all of that just because I’m finally starting to notice that she’s cute.”
Mick stares at me for a minute before shrugging and picking up a hand weight. “I don’t see what your problem is, then. You’ve pretty much just stated your case right there.”
I go over my outburst in my head and realize that he’s right. I still can’t convince myself, though, and I know that it won’t be that easy.
“OK, but what do I do about these feelings? Just because I don’t want them doesn’t mean they’re going to go away.” He stays quite for a moment, finish up a set and moving the weight to the other hand.
“The only advice I can give you is to follow your gut. Listen to what your instincts tell you about all of this, and eventually it’ll work itself out.”
He seems to be finished with the dispensing of advice, so I move onto the treadmill in the corner and pop my ear buds in. He’s right and I know it, but I’m just so afraid that it’s all going to come back and bite me in the ass if I ignore it. What’s worse is that I’m even more afraid that it’s going to bite me in the ass if I acknowledge it. The last thing I want to do is fuck up my friendship with Abbey over a little crush. She means a lot to me as a friend, and I don’t want to lose that.
I try to focus on the music in my ears and the rhythm of my feet instead of my thoughts. The physical activity feels good, and it gives me a chance to let everything else fade into background noise. It’s probably a good thing for me that I’m on tour right now, because that means I get to stand up on stage for a couple hours every night and be a different person. This person doesn’t have the problems I’m currently facing.
To be honest, right now I would love to just slip into Entertainer Justin and pretend that I am that cool and I am that suave. In reality, I’m a huge dork and obviously I don’t have my way with the ladies. I wonder which Justin Abbey likes more?
…and that train of thought is going to be thrown off the track right now. Wow. That really just went through my head. Unbelievable.
I slow my speed on the treadmill and walk for a few minutes so I can catch my breath and cool off. I don’t think this trip to the gym succeeded in bringing on any epiphanies, but it made me feel a little bit better to get off my ass and do something. It was also nice to hear Mick’s take on things, and I know he’s right about the gut thing. I just don’t know if I want to listen to what my gut is telling me.
“Hey boss man.” Her voice rings through my ears and scares me from my reverie.
“Hey, Jude.” She grabs a seat on the weight’s bench and watches as I take a swig of water and towel off. Her stare is making me nervous, and it’s a good thing I’m already sweaty.
“Don’t you get enough of a work out on stage every night? Jesus, you’ve probably lost ten pounds already.” She scans up and down my body and I suddenly feel like I’m in one of those dreams where you’re naked in front of a crowd and you can’t seem to find a way out.
“I needed to clear my head.” I shrug, not sure what else to say. So I decide to change the subject from me to her. “How was the photo shoot?”
“Pretty cool, actually. She had some awesome set ups with a piano and this lighting trick. I think you’ll like the finished products.” She turns to straddle the bench as I move over to where my bag is sitting. “She was even nice enough to listen when I said nothing too sexual or racy. I felt comfortable, for once.”
“That’s good.” I take another swig of my water and try really hard not to picture Abbey as sexual or racy. “You might want to get up to your room, though, you have an interview soon.” She gets a look on her face and I’m suddenly aware that I’m about to get news that I don’t like.
“Actually…they want you there too.” She bites her lip and I almost stop myself from thinking it’s cute when she does that. “Trish talked to the producers and they were hoping you could be a surprise and do a quick couple minutes on the phone too.”
“And let me guess, Trish said yes without asking my permission?” I shouldn’t be getting upset at Abbey for my bad choice in PA. But still, the last thing I want to do on my afternoon off is phone interviews with stupid VJs. OK, only Damien is stupid…but really…he’s too old for that job.
“They said they wouldn’t take my call if you weren’t there too.” Well that just pisses me right off. Abbey is an artist of her own, and TRL knows better than to blackmail people into getting bigger celebrities.
“You’re kidding me?” She shakes her head and looks down at her hands, twisting them in an awkward fashion.
“I wish I were.” She looks up at me and lets out a sigh. “I thought I was past name dropping, you know? I really thought that people were seeing me as my own artist and…it just sucks that they’re still only seeing you.”
“First of all, TRL are a bunch of big, stupid idiots if they’re only seeing me. And secondly, you are your own artist.” I take a seat next to her and focus on my words instead of breathing her in. “Jude, you’ve been number one on the Billboard Charts for over four weeks now, and you’re record has taken off. I highly doubt that that’s because they’re still seeing my name attached. You’ve done an awesome job of becoming your own artist and I am incredibly proud of you. So, if TRL wants us both, that’s what they’ll get, they’ll just have to listen to me gush about my favorite artist.”
I throw my arm around her shoulder and bring her into my side, trying to will my muscles to relax. She scrunches her nose and pushes me away.
“You stink.” I laugh, glad that the tension is broken.
It feels good that she and I can still be relatively normal, even though I’ve pictured her in her underwear at least three times now. Hey, I am a man, after all. But despite my strong desire to throw her up against the wall and kiss her senseless, I do know that it’s probably best if I swallow any feelings and just keep in normal. I think she needs that, and…I think I need that, too.
“Well, grab your phone and come with me. If you want me to stink less we’ll have to head to my room so I can shower before the interview.”
“Can you walk behind me?” She takes a couple longs strides toward the exit, looking over her shoulder as she does so. “I don’t want to be down-wind of you.”
I laugh, throwing my sweaty towel at her head and sprinting after her. I don’t know how I’m going to do this, but I am determined to make sure our friendship stays intact and that I don’t fuck it up by being incredibly stupid. Here’s to hoping that I can manage that feat. Lord knows I am the master at incredibly stupid, both Trace and Rachel would gladly attest to that fact.
