The last show of the tour is always bitter sweet for me.  I’m really going to miss being in front of all these fans and having a chance to share my music with them, but I’m really not going to miss being on the road.  Of course, I’m headed to Europe tomorrow, but that doesn’t count.  Trace can’t go with me because he has to stay in the States, and I’m only taking half of my dancers.  This decision to head to Europe for a couple weeks was a little last minute, and I couldn’t expect my dancers to stay past their contracts, so I had to draw up some new ones and only half of them could tag along.

I’m happy that it’s only a couple of week.  I really want to be in my house again.

And then, of course, there’s Abbey.  I’m really torn about leaving her, but I think it’s for the best.  She’s been acting pretty strange lately.  After that whole phone call about if I’m in love with her, I thought that we’d move on from all that crap, but she’s…strange.  Distant, almost.  I can’t joke around with her without her face turning bright red and she cannot tolerate physical contact, even the tiniest bit.  I’m not sure what’s going on, but I’m hoping that a couple weeks apart will be enough to bring us back to normal.

I don’t really want to leave her.  I’ve gotten pretty used to having her around, and it’s going to suck being stuck in a whole other country without her to distract me.  But, then again, the point of going to that whole other country is so that it can distract me from Abbey.

I’ve set up studio time for her when she gets back.  I want her to meet with some new producers and stretch herself a little.  Of course, I want to work with her again (I swear it’s not the crush talking) so some time after I get back from Europe I’ll head into the studio with her.  I’ve got a couple ideas in mind for her new album, but I think it’ll be good for her to work with some other people.  And I hope that by the time I get back things with us will be right again.

“Justin, you’ve got about ten minutes, you should start heading toward the stage.”  Rachel pokes her head into my dressing room and I nod in acknowledgement. 

I really can’t believe that this is the last show.  This tour has flown by, and it just doesn’t seem real.  I’m looking forward to it, though.  All of the crowds have been kick ass and I know that this one won’t be any different.

I take one last, long sip of water and then a deep breath before heading out the door and down the hallway.  I can hear the crowd getting pumped, their screams getting louder as the lights start to change on the stage.

Abbey is standing ahead of me, a towel wrapped around her shoulders and a huge smile sitting on her face.  I watched her show in the monitor, and I have to say that she’s become an amazing performer.  I’m really happy that I got the chance to watch her grow.  It’s one thing to manage an artist and have your hands in what they do, it’s another thing to take them out on tour with you and really get to watch them flourish and thrive.  I’m damn proud of that girl.

“Hey Jude, you kicked ass up there.”  That grin become directed at me, and if possible, even bigger.  I brace myself as she runs at me, throwing herself into my arms.  She smells slightly sweaty and I can feel her heat through my suit, but I don’t really care.  She also still smells sweet, and I have to stop myself from burring my face into her neck.

“Thanks Boss man.”  She stares up at me for a second, and then realizes that she’s in my arms and she takes a step back, looking flustered.  “Uh, make ‘em swoon.”  She laughs a little, still looking quite uncomfortable and I really wonder what’s going on.

I don’t have time to dwell on it, though.  I’m ushered under the stage and I make sure to find everyone underneath for the ritual fist-bump.  My stomach flutters slightly as I take my place in front of the microphone.  The music starts and I adjust my in ears, ready to put on one hell of a show.

Here goes everything.

~*~

“I fucking love my job.”  I speak into the microphone, grinning like an idiot as the screams around me grow a few decibel levels.  “I can’t believe that this is my life.  Thank y’all for coming out tonight.  I’ve got one last song for ya, if you’ll let me play.”

The screams sound again, and I place my hands on the piano, taking one last second to relish in the adoration before starting the song.  I know I have show dates over seas, but it still feels like my last show.

The next few minutes fly, and I can’t believe that it’s over.  I stretch out the last few notes, exciting the crowd and loving it.  This is why I do this job.  This moment is why I deal with all of the press and all the other shit that comes with fame.  I do it all for this feeling right here.

The Verve’s “Bittersweet Symphony” sounds throughout the arena as I wave goodbye and take one last minute or two to appreciate the fans.  The dancers and crew join me, Abbey too, and we all take one last bow before exiting the stage. 

Hugs are being shared all around, and there’s a sense of relief, excitement, and even a little sadness as everything comes to an end.  There’s still a lot of clean up to do, and there’s an after party happening back at the hotel, so the nights not over.  I’m excited.  I’m excited to think that I can really take a break in a couple of weeks, too.  It’s not completely over, yet, but I am going to take tonight to celebrate how kick ass this tour has been.

“Hey Justin, see you at the hotel!”  A couple of the dancers rush by and I wave back at them.  I can tell that there are going to be a lot of drunk people tonight.  Including myself, if I can ever get out of here.

It takes me another thirty minutes to get all of my stuff together and get shuttled back to the hotel so I can shower.  Trace is in my room and we throw back a few shots before we head downstairs. 

“Awesome show, fucker.” Trace toasts to me and I grin before downing the tequila and sucking on a piece of lime.  I cannot wait to get shitty tonight.  I want to let loose, celebrate, and ignore the voice in the back of my mind that’s telling me I won’t get to see Abbey for another two weeks.

The ballroom of the hotel is crowded with people.  Dancers, crew, musicians, everyone that was involved in this tour is here and I’m glad to see everyone letting loose.  It doesn’t take me long to spot my favorite obsession across the room standing with her assistant, and it must be liquid courage coursing through my body that propels me toward her.

“Boss man!”  I don’t miss the fact that she doesn’t attempt to hug me this time.

“Hey Jude,”  I place a kiss on her cheek, knowing that I’m making her uncomfortable but not really caring right now.  It’s one thing for me to pull away when things get weird, but I really don’t like when she’s distant.  I know, I’m being a whiny bitch.  “Want to dance?”

Abbey takes a minute or two to think over my request before Sadie pushes her forward into my arms.  Good girl.  I knew I hired her for a reason.  I pull Abbey onto the dance floor, bringing her close so I can have a little body contact as we dance.  I’m probably going to make an ass of myself by doing this, but I like feeling her close.  Plus, I’ve decided that this will be the last time I think about whatever feelings I have for this girl.  Once I’m back from Europe things are strictly platonic.  Yup, that’s my plan.

Abbey is a little stiff as we start to dance, and I almost feel bad.  At least I picked a fast song, though, I think she would run away if this were a slow one. 

“Relax.”  I breathe into her ear and place my hands onto her waist.  She hesitates for another second but then places her hand on my shoulders, bumping her hips into mine.  I grin, feeling slightly buzzed but enjoying this entirely.  We grind together and I can’t believe that Abbey even thought she couldn’t dance.  I mean, she’s not great at choreography, but this is the dancing that counts in my opinion.

I keep her on the floor with me for another song before we break so I can grab another drink and she can…well, do whatever it is she was doing.  I admire her short dress as she walks away toward Sadie and some of the dancers.  Trace appears next to me with a drink and I gratefully accept it, downing most of it with the first swallow.

I know I can’t get too drunk because it’ll make my flight tomorrow morning a bitch to deal with, but at this point I don’t care too much.  I might in the morning, but right now I don’t.

“Abbey looks hot tonight.”  Trace’s voice sounds next to me and I nod, scanning the room to find her again.  He’s been pretty cool with me after my whole confession.  I expected more ribbing, but he’s laid off and I’m thankful for that.  I know I’m being a little bit of a pussy for ignoring my feelings, but I really don’t want to mess up this friendship.  She means too much to me.

At this point I’m sufficiently buzzed and I want to get back out on the dance floor.  My eyes are automatically drawn to Abbey, and against my better judgment, I head back out onto the floor and take a place near to her.  There’s a group of people dancing in a circle and I smile at a couple of them before sliding up behind Abbey and placing my hands on her hips.  She startles for a second, but when she discovers it’s me she grins and relaxes back into my chest.  She must have thrown back a couple of drinks, too, because this is the loosest she’s been all night.

“You look hot tonight, Jude.”  I place my lips on the shell of her ear as I speak.  She giggles, moving away from the tickle of my breath and turning in my arms to face me.

“You don’t look so bad yourself, Boss man.”  She eyes me up and down and I swallow hard, hoping that I don’t get too aroused right now.  We move together, finding a beat of our own to groove to.  This might just be heaven. 

Abbey grins up at me, her eyes a little glassy with alcohol.  Her hips grind into mine and I can feel the sensation all the way down to my toes.  I know that I’m probably going to regret this as soon as it’s over, but I can’t help myself.  She looks too good and I’m a little too drunk.

I lean forward, using my hands to pull her body flush against mine as I firmly place my mouth over hers.  She melts into me, no hesitation at all, and I can taste the sweetness of whatever drink she had earlier.  Our lips slid together and our bodies stay tight against each other.  Tentatively, my tongue slips out to taste a little more, and I let out a groan when she accepts and her tongue meets mine. 

My fingers are digging into her hips, gripping the sparkly dress that she’s wearing and probably making it ride up her thighs.  If I weren’t so wrapped up in this kiss I would probably want to check out the view of her legs I know I’m creating.  Her hands fist in my shirt, pulling my body harder against hers.

I sink deeper into her, my hands venturing onto her ass and I wish that we weren’t standing in the middle of a crowded dance floor.

It’s as if she reads my thoughts and realizes exactly what she’s doing, because Abbey pushes against my chest and separates our lips.  She looks slightly horrified as she glances around us to see if anyone else has noticed our little make out session.  I reach out to grab her but I’m too slow.  She darts off the dance floor and disappears into the crowd.  I don’t have nerve to go after her and face what just happened.  I don’t want to hear her reasons why she just doesn’t feel the same, and I’d like to remember that kiss without the heartbreak of her denial.

My fuzzy brain clears a little and the truth of my actions starts to sink in.  I just kissed Abbey.  I just kissed Abbey in the middle of a room filled with everyone from the tour.  I just kissed Abbey and she ran away from me.

I might have just made an ass of myself.

~*~

Hangovers are a bitch.

After my huge mistake with Abbey last night, I hit the bottle pretty hard and now I’m paying for it.  Being 30,000 feet in the air doesn’t help much, either.

I tried to find Abbey this morning so we could talk before I leave, but she was no where to be found and I’m a little relieved.  I mean, I know what I did was stupid and we should probably sort everything out, but I wasn’t ready to face what I did and admit that it was wrong.  I liked it.  The erection I had all night says I loved it.  I liked it so much I replayed it all night in my head.

I am so hung up on this girl.

I’m in a strange stage of limbo about everything.  I know I should feel like an ass, and in a way I do.  I don’t want to fuck up our friendship, but, strangely enough, I don’t regret that kiss one little bit.  I just know that she probably regrets it and that’s the bad part about it all.

Now, I’m stuck on a plane to England without anyone to talk to.  Trace stayed back in the States because he had things to take care of, and I’m not about to reach out to my wonderful cousin who’s been watching me like a fucking hawk.  I think she suspects something happened.

Oh well.  I’ll have to face Abbey in a couple of weeks when I go into the studio, and we’ll just have to sort all this shit out then.

I just hope she doesn’t hate me forever.  I really made an ass of myself, didn’t I?