“I miss you too,” I whisper into my phone, forcing my eyes to stay open and trying as hard as I can not to fall asleep.

“When are you going to be back in LA?”  He sounds desperate, and I’m trying not to get snippy with his clinginess, but at this point of exhaustion it’s hard not to.

“Not for a month or so, John.”  We’ve had this conversation before and I know that he knows my schedule better than I do.

“You’re going to be gone for such a long time, Abs.  I just…I don’t like you being so far away.”  Is it just me, or does my boyfriend sound like a woman right now?  Good, it’s not just me.

“I know, but you promised that you would take some time to come out and see me.  This is my job now, John, and I really want your support on this one.”  This time I get a sigh in my ear and I know we’re getting close to a fight.  I haven’t even been gone for a whole day and it’s already getting difficult.

“I told you I’d try.  You know how busy I’ve been with the company, I can’t just up and leave to come traipse across the country with you.”

Whoa.  Looks like I’m not the only one that’s grumpy.

“Right.  Because what I’m doing is gallivanting across the States with a guitar strapped on my back and a prayer to make it work.  And I’m throwing away my entire life for some musical dream of stardom while you set your sights on more serious and tangible things.  Right, John.  Leaving your company for one weekend would surely be the end of the world.”  Wow.  That was a lot more profound than I knew I was capable of.

“You need to get some sleep.  Obviously you’re not rational at the moment.” 

“Obviously.”  I can’t find any more words to say to him at the moment.  I must have used them all up on that last rant.

“I don’t know what good it would be for me to come visit you, anyway.  You’re always so damn busy that we’d never get to see each other.”  Oh, I’ve found my words.

“You don’t know that!  And the good it would do would be to show me that you care and your support me and that you love me.  I thought that you’d want to be a part of this with me.”

“I do love you Abbey, you know that.”  He sighs again and it’s getting on my nerves.

“Sure, and you’ve got a great way of showing it, too.”  Keep pushing my buttons, baby, see where this takes us.

“I just said I love you! Isn’t that enough?”  He yells at me and I’ve had it with this conversation.

“I’m going to hang up now, John.  I’ve heard about enough for tonight.”

“I’ll talk to you tomorrow, Abbey.”  I say a strangled goodbye to John and hang up the phone, letting it drop to the couch with a soft thud.

I am completely exhausted and now I’m really pissed.  After a whirlwind trip to New York and rehearsals and press in LA, it’s an accomplishment that I’m even still breathing.  Add to that the minor fight I just got into with my boyfriend and you’ve got one beat up bitch!

John wasn’t very happy to hear I was leaving so soon for New York, and we didn’t get to spend more than nights together the last few weeks I was in LA.  Usually, those nights consisted of me passing out before my head even hit the pillow and him being gone when I woke up.  Needless to say it wasn’t the best of partings.

I was really hoping that he’d have my back on this one, but I’m not so sure anymore how this is going to work itself out.

I guess I’ll just have to cross that bridge when I get there.

Currently I’m sitting on my tour bus (Eek! I have a tour bus!) and we’re on the way to our first venue.  We took off early this morning, and we should be pulling into Texas sometime late tonight.  I was really hoping that I’d be able to catch up on sleep during this horribly long bus ride, but it’s difficult to get used to being on the road like this and despite my exhaustion I can’t seem to fall asleep.

My life has been shaken and stirred over the past couple of weeks, and I’m not quite sure what direction is up anymore.  My album took off and I’m currently number one on the Billboard Charts.  Un-fucking-believable.

Justin was ecstatic when he got the news, and he actually interrupted a radio interview that I was in so he could come in and tell me.  Both of us were jumping about like idiots and screaming.  I sold 256,000 copies in the first week and…holy shit I can’t even comprehend it, even now.

I’m not sure if it has anything to do with all the press I did, or if it’s just because people are really curious to check out Justin Timberlake’s pet project.  Over all, though, reviews have been good and people really seem to be feeling my album.  I’m pretty excited to be able to get on stage and play live now, although I’m still scared shitless.  Everyone around me assures me that I’m going to be just fine, but I don’t think I’ll be able to believe them until my last song is over and I’m off that stage.

Luckily, we have tomorrow off too, in Texas, so I should be able to get plenty of time to sleep and rehearse on the stage. 

Hey Jude starts to play from under my knee, and I snatch up my phone before it can make too much noise.  For some reason it feels wrong to break the silence that surrounds me right now.

“What’s up, Boss man?”

“Insomnia?”  I whined to him earlier about how tired I was but that I’d had trouble sleeping.  He told me that I’d get used to being on the road and sleep would come, but I don’t believe him.

“Just a touch.”  I settle back on the couch, hoping that this conversation is boring enough to knock me out.  Don’t tell Justin I said that.

“I can’t sleep either.  I’m too excited.”  He sounds like a little kid and I can’t help but laugh at him.

“You sound like a kid going to Disney for the first time.”

“Shit, Jude, Disney is not even close to what being on stage is like.”  I can hear the grin in his voice and it makes me smile.  “This show is the biggest thing I’ve ever done.  I can’t wait to put it in front of the people and get a true reaction from it.”

“Calm down, sparky, you sound like you’re about to get a hard-on or something.”  He coughs into the phone and I take pride in the fact that I just threw the unflappable Justin Timberlake.  He tells me all the time that he doesn’t want to hear me talk about sex.  I’m too much like a little sister to him, and it grosses him out to think about me in sexual situations.

Personally, I think it’s bullshit, because Justin has the dirtiest mind I have ever met.  Seriously, that boy can take a conversation about bologna and make it into something sexual. It’s disturbing, actually.

“Don’t ever use the term hard-on when you speak to me, and don’t call me sparky.”  I laugh again, getting a sick satisfaction from this conversation.

“What?  You’re seriously upset by hard-on?  What if I’d said boner, or erection? Or hell, what if I skipped that and went straight to ‘careful, Justin, or you’ll have to go jack off later’?”

There’s such a dead silence on the other end of the line that I have to check to see if he hung up on me.

“You are one sick little girl, Abbey Rhodes.”  There’s less amusement and more of something else in his voice at this point.  I can’t really pin point it, but it almost sounds like disappointment.

“Sorry Boss man.  Blame it on the exhaustion.”  He lets out a small chuckle and I relax a little.  I’ve upset Justin before, sure, but I don’t think I’ve ever disappointed him and I don’t want to start.

“I just don’t expect to hear things like that come out of your mouth.  Trace, sure, but not you.  You seem too innocent.”  It’s my turn to scoff.  I’m not whore, but I am certainly not innocent.

I will say that I think it’s time to change this subject, though.

“So, what do you do to put yourself to sleep on these horribly long bus rides?”

“I usually pop in a movie or something, try and relax as much as I can.”  I can hear him yawn over the line and I feel a little bad for keeping him up, but he’s the one that called me.  “If all else fails, I take a sleeping pill and let it work its magic.”

“Well, I don’t have any sleeping pills, so I’ll have to find a boring movie or something.”

“Hold on.”  There’s muffled voices over the line as Justin talks with someone else.  The bus driver, I’m guessing, because I’m pretty sure he’s got the bus to himself.  Although, I wouldn’t put it past him to be having a conversation with his dogs right now.  “We’ve got a stop coming up in a half hour or so, to get gas.  If you’re not asleep by then I’ll give you some Nyquil or something to help you out.”

“Thanks, Dad.”  Justin has been very protective lately, but I appreciate the sentiment.  And at this point, I’d take a blow to the head to put me to sleep.

“Anytime, kiddo.”  OK, this conversation officially got creepy.

“Goodnight, Boss man.  See you in half an hour.”

I hang up the phone and say a goodnight to the driver, heading to the back of the bus.  I don’t know how I managed to score a bus to myself, but I’m certainly not going to complain about it.  I was thinking I’d be stuck on this tiny little RV crammed with Trish and whoever else needed a ride.  Instead, I’ve got a luxury bus practically to myself.  I have a feeling that Rachel will probably end up staying with me a lot.  She’s on a bus with Trace and the girls from makeup.  The girls aren’t bad to be around, but Trace is smelly.

With a long, labored sigh, I head back to my bed and sprawl out over the covers.

I wish my eyes closed and try as hard as I can to make sleep come to me, but it’s still being evasive.  As tired as I am from trying to sleep, I’m just not tired enough.

I spy my guitar case sitting in the corner, so I get up and open it.  Smiling up at me is my favorite guitar.  His name is Duke.  It was a Christmas present from my mom a long time ago, when I first wanted to learn how to play.  I’ve been in love with him ever since.

My little tiff with John earlier has sparked some lyrics in my head and now’s as good a time as any to get them out.

After checking the tuning, I strum a few chords, trying to figure out what’s going to fit the words the best.  I have a feeling that this might be a sad one.

I take a deep breath and let it out slowly, trying to find some form of focus.  Instead of pushing I let the music come as it wishes, and I’m a little more than surprised by the outcome.

 Don't write me another love song
I don't want any more words
Don't tell me that I'm your everything
You've already used that verse 

I don't need to hear anything from you
I just need to see it
I don't need to listen to what you say is the truth
I just want to be it 

Stop trying to write me in a symphony
stop trying to compose our every move
Stop trying, and just give in to me
I need your actions to be the proof

 I don't need to hear anything from you
I just need to see it
I don't need to listen to what you say is the truth
I just want to be it 

The bus shifts beneath me and a sound at the door causes me to jump from my spot.  Justin’s standing in the doorway and I can feel my face turning red.

“How long have you been standing there?”  I place Duke back in his case and wipe my hands down my legs nervously.  I know that I’ve worked with Justin before, but he’s never really been a part of this process.  These things are usually kept private for me.

“Long enough.”  He comes a step further into the room and smiles. “That was great, Abbey.”

He doesn’t say anything else, but I know that it’s coming soon.  Justin can be pretty mushy for a guy, and I know that he’s going to ask about the inspiration for that song at some point.  He can be pretty perceptive when he wants to be.

“Are we stopped?”

He smirks.  “No, I jumped off my bus as it was speeding down the highway and sprinted to your door, leaping onto your bus with a single bound.”

“You would.”  I throw a pillow at him and he laughs.

“Come on, Jude.  Let’s take a walk, grab some junk food.”

Our awkward moment seems to have passed, so I jump up from my spot and grab a sweatshirt before following him off the bus.  We seemed to have landed in some Podunk down, and I’m not sure at all where we are, but I don’t really care.  There’s a small gas station and the sound of junk food is pretty alluring at the moment.

After grabbing some goodies, Justin and I take a seat at a picnic table off to the side of the store.  I know that the last thing I need right now is caffeine, but if I’m eating Reeses I need to be drinking coke.  Strange, I know.

“So…”

Ah, yes, the tell-tale lead in.  My boss is so predictable.

“Yeah, it was about John.”

“Fight?”  I glance over at him.  Sometimes he knows me so well it’s eerie.

“He doesn’t want to take the time off to come see me, but he’s bitching that I’m going to be gone for such a long time.”  I stop, but remember something else that he said, “Oh, and apparently I’m just traipsing around the country while he’s hard at work.”

“Ouch.”

“Tell me about it.”  I shove another piece of candy into my mouth and chew furiously.

“Whoa, calm down there, girl.  What’d that chocolate ever do to you?”  He’s smiling at me with that lopsided grin he has and I’m starting to feel the blush creep back up my cheeks again.

“Sorry.”  I swallow slowly, chasing it with a swig of soda.  “I’m just overly tired and not ready to deal with this whole tour and a whiney boyfriend.”

Justin pats my knee and motions for me to follow him back to the buses.

“Don’t worry about John.  He’ll go to bed, realize what an ass he was, and call you tomorrow all apologies.  And hey, you never know, he might just make a surprise visit or something.”

I snort out a laugh.  And I just noticed how totally unlady-like that sounded.

“Not John.  If he’s anything, he’s predictable.  Surprises are not his strong point.”  I do manage to smile, remembering the cake he attempted to make for me.  It was a sweet gesture, but it was most likely the last of its kind.

“You want to finish that song?  It was really good.”  He nods his head in the direction of my bus and I think for a moment.

It’s obvious that sleep isn’t going to find me anytime soon, and I am pretty anxious to get these thoughts out.  There’s not better person to write music with that Justin, that’s for certain.

“Sure.”  He follows me back to my room after telling the driver that he’ll be on this bus for the duration.  We should be at our destination in a couple of hours, or so I hope.

It’s already been a long night, but I’m glad that Justin’s here to help me.  Honestly, I’m not sure what I’d do without my boss right now.