Oh. My. God.

I think I’m going to be sick.

No, really.  My stomach is in my throat and my hands are shaking and I think I can’t breathe.

Well…OK, I’m being a little dramatic, but it’s completely warranted at this moment.  I’m about to step on stage in front of thousands of people and sing them my music.  I have every right to be freaking out.

I’m currently backstage in my dressing room.  Nate is waiting outside to escort me to the stage, but I needed a second to have a mini-meltdown before I face the masses.

I tug at my shirt, making sure it’s in place and still looks OK.  The wardrobe was a pretty big issue, because I really wanted to just wear jeans and a t-shirt, but apparently this tour is much more “classy,” – Justin’s words, not mine.  So, after a lot of debating (and a little tantrum throwing) we settled on black dress pants, a white t-shirt, and one of those black halter vest thingies.  I’m pretty happy with it, actually, and it’s comfortable too.

Today we spent most of the day rehearsing.  Justin and his crew were up late last night after everything finally got fixed, and I guess the wardrobe truck finally showed up around 10pm.  I came in early this morning so I could have a couple of run-throughs and make sure the sound was all set.  I felt really bad for anyone working with Justin, they were all walking around here like zombies anytime I passed them.  I made sure to steer clear today, just because I don’t want to catch what they’ve got and I didn’t want to piss anyone off.  It was a day for short tempers.

Speaking of my boss, I haven’t seen very much of him at all today.  Usually I wouldn’t mind at all, but for some reason I just needed him around today.

I think it’s all my nerves, to be honest.  I know I’ve gotten friendly with a lot of the crew and my dancers, but right now I feel like the only person that can calm me down is Justin.  This is my big night; the first time I’ll be stepping out in front of thousands and he seems to be the only one that really gets me and my jitters.  Unfortunately, he’s MIA.

Scratch that, I know exactly where he is right now, but I’m not about to interrupt the pre-show warm ups.  I’ve heard that it’s expressly forbidden for anyone to bother Justin before the show, and I’m not about to find out why.

There’s a knock at the door and I expect Nate to stick his head in and tell me I’ve got to go.  Instead I’m met with the shaved head of my boss and I can’t help but smile.

“I didn’t think I’d get to see you before I went on.”  I shift uncomfortably, my nerves making my hands shake.

“You really don’t think I’d miss this moment, do you Jude?”  He gives me one of those looks.

I shrug.  “I figured you’d be warming up and all that, I didn’t want to bother you.”

He lets out a laugh and motions for me to follow him out the door.  We start walking down the hall toward the stage and he throws an arm around my shoulders.

“Those are just rumors, I’m not as bad as they say I am.”  I cock and eyebrow and give Justin a look that says I’m clearly not buying it.  “Are you ready, Jude?”

Again, I shrug.  “As I’ll ever be, I guess.”  I lean into him a little, letting him carry some of my weight.  My feet suddenly feel heavy.  “I’m nervous as fuck, Boss man.  I don’t want to screw this up.”

He gives me a squeeze and propels me toward the stage area.  Because there is no backstage on this tour, he can only walk me so far or he’ll be spotted by the crowds.  Later he’ll be brought under the stage by “disguise” but because I’m pretty much a nobody I get to walk out there myself.

“You’re going to be just fine, Abbey.  I promise.  You’ve worked really hard at this and you’ve practiced your ass off, and I swear to you that once you get up there nothing else will matter.”  He gives me a peck on the temple before pushing me out of his embrace and toward Nate, who is waiting for me.  “And think of it this way…no one will know if you mess up because no one else knows your routine.”

“Gee, thanks for the vote of confidence, Justin.”  He laughs and waves me off.

It’s now or never.

I walk to the underside of the stage, taking my spot next to my dancers.  They all give me encouraging smiles and I try and smile back but my mouth isn’t really working at the moment.  I see the lights in the arena dim and the crowd’s sound increases ten-fold.  I have to cover my ears for a second before I remember my in-ear monitors and I gladly slip them in. 

I get the OK from a crew member and I take a deep breath before sprinting up the stairs and out onto the stage.

Holy. Shit.

~*~

My set is a blur and my heart hasn’t stopped pounding since the lights dimmed earlier.  I can’t believe I just made it through my first show, and I think I actually managed to pull it off.

I make my way down the stairs to the underside of the stage, grabbing a towel to wipe off sweat.  My dancers all give me hugs and it’s impossible to wipe the smiles off of our faces.  It was incredible.

Nate ushers me back to the dressing rooms, but as soon as I step into the hallway my feet are off the ground and I’m being spun in circles.

“That was amazing, Abbey!”  Justin plants me back on the floor and squeezes until I think my eyes might pop out.

“Whoa, calm down there, Boss man.”  He lets go, taking a step back to grin at me more fully.

“You did awesome.  I’m so fucking proud of you.”  I can’t help but return his enthusiasm with a smile of my own. 

I was so scared that the crowd wasn’t going to like my stuff, but I shouldn’t have been.  I was completely shocked when I could see some people singing along, and the reception I got when I played my first single was amazing.  I don’t think I could have asked for a better opening night.

I messed up on the dances once or twice, but it was easy enough to cover and my dancers were real professionals about it all.  I was really worried that the whole stage show wouldn’t match the vibe of my music, but it flowed perfectly and…

…And I don’t think I have the words to express just how totally awesome that really was.

Justin gives me one more hug before being whisked away for something, and I continue back toward my dressing room.  I feel as if I’m walking on clouds or something, as ridiculous as that sounds.  I just…I just performed in front of thousands of people and they actually liked it!  No one booed, and no one looked bored and…and I can’t scratch that off of my list of things to do in life.

I’ve always dreamed of being a performer; getting to make music and share it with the world.  But I never, even in my wildest dreams, I never once imagined that it would feel like this.

I can’t even begin to explain the feelings that are running through my body right now.  I know I’m gushing…but that was fucking amazing!

After changing out of my sweaty clothes and leaving them in the bag for Becky to get later, I grab my cell phone and curl up on the couch in my dressing room.  I can’t wait to tell all this to John.  I really wish he were here to share this with me right now, but I’ll have to settle for his voice.

“Hello?”  He sounds a little groggy, but I’m going to ignore because I’m too excited.

“Hey Babe!”  I’m still grinning.

“Abbey?”  His voice fades a little before coming back stronger.  “What’s up?”

“Oh…not much…just…I just finished performing for in front of thousands of people and they loved me!”  I squeal a little and thank God that no one else is around to hear me.

“Hey!  How was it?”  He sounds more alert now, and I babble on about how incredible it was.  I don’t know if he’s even still listening, but at this point I don’t really care.

“I’m so proud of you, Abs.”  I pull the phone closer and wish he were there with me.  I don’t like this distance thing, and right now I’m really noticing it.  “I’ll bet you looked incredible up there.”

“When are you coming out to see it?  I really want you here.”  I hear his sigh on the other end and know that I’ve asked the wrong question.

“I don’t know, Abbey.  We’ve talked about this.”

“I know, I know,” I concede, not willing to ruin my moment with a fight.  “I’m sorry, I’m just so excited about all this and I want to share it with you.  I know you’ll get here when you can.”

“If,” he says, “If I can.”  I swallow the come back down and grit my teeth.  He will not ruin this moment.

There’s a knock on the door and Nate sticks his head in to tell me that Justin’s about to go on.  I promised that I’d watch his set.  I nod to Nate and turn my attention back to John.

“Hey, I’ve got to get going.  Call me tomorrow?”

“Sure.” He pauses, “I love you, Abbey.”

I can’t bring myself to answer for a moment, because I’m not feeling very affectionate at the moment.  “I know, John,” I say instead and wonder if it was the wrong thing to say.  Before I can think to say anything else he hangs up and I let out a sigh.

That was not the way I wanted it to go.

I leave my dressing room and follow Nate down another hall way that leads to the section of seats we’ve set of.  Justin said that there would be a section at every arena for friends, family, and whoever else we wanted to watch the shows.  It’s set a little ways off from the normal seats, but I can still hear some girls call out to me as I take me seat.  I grin and wave at them, excited to just be noticed.

I watch as the lights dim and the noise level reaches almost unbearable.  Now I know why Justin suggested ear plugs if I wanted to watch.  To think, I called him an egotistical bastard.  With all the love in the world, you know. 

The familiar sounds of FutureSex/LoveSounds starts to fill the arena and I find myself starting to get excited.  I feel like a giddy teenager and can’t help but scream as Justin rises from the center of the stage.  I’ve watched his show come together in bits and pieces, but that doesn’t hold a candle to watching the actual performance.

Justin is like a completely different person up there.  I mean, he’s normally a cocky bastard, but he’s got this…this swagger up there.  It’s almost sexy.  (I did not just say that.)

I do love to watch him dance though, and I can’t believe I’ve never seen him perform before.  I’ve known Justin for over a year and I’ve never watched him on stage.  Now I see what all the fuss is about.

Don’t say any of this to Justin, though.  And I’ll deny all of it, so don’t even try.  The last thing that boy needs is more ego fluffing. 

He does look hot, though.

~*~

There’s a buzz filling the backstage area and I’m surprised that anyone can hear anything.  The excitement of the night has obviously carried over from the show and into the dressing rooms, and everyone is grinning like idiots.

Everyone but me, that is.

I was grinning like an idiot.  I was screaming and clapping and cheering with the rest of the crowd.  I was completely excited for everyone until I saw a missed call and happened to listen to my messages.

I probably don’t need to tell you that it was John, but it was and he wasn’t happy with me at all.  I’m not even at fault this time, which pisses me off even more.

Apparently Justin wanted to surprise me by having John fly out to see me in a couple of weeks and John thought it was very presumptions of us to assume that he could leave his company on the drop of a hat and fly out to see us.  He was even more pissed that Justin went ahead and booked tickets without asking first.  He said something along the lines of “he thinks he can throw his money around like he’s the shit and everyone else should bow to his every whim, and you fall for it!”…you get the idea.

Frankly, I pissed off.  Top that off I’m ready to cry.  This is not how I want to remember my first performance.  John is a jackass.

There’s a crowd in the hallway and I’m thankful that everyone is too wrapped up in their celebrations to notice the weepy kid in the corner.

Well…everyone except the one person I was trying to avoid.

Justin’s caught my eye and he stops in his tracks to stare at me for a second.  I know he’s caught on to the fact that something is wrong, and I see him say something to Rachel before heading into his dressing room.  Maybe he’s going to leave me alone and I won’t have to relive this shitty night.

Although, that hope is falling fast as Rachel approaches me with a slightly determined look on her face.

“Hey Abs,”  She gives me a hug and tries to smile at me but I can’t get my face to smile back.  “Are you OK?”

I shrug and bite back tears.  “Not really.”

She leads me into the nearest room, which happens to be a bathroom, and I almost laugh at how absurd this is.  I should be ecstatic and running around like an idiot, not crying like a bitch.

“What happened?”  She hands me some toilet paper to wipe my eyes with and I blow my nose too.  I’m so attractive.

“Is it OK if I don’t want to talk about it right now?”  She nods and gives me a small smile, bringing me into another hug.  “I’m just not ready to let it completely ruin my night, and saying it out loud is going to make it real.”

She clasps my shoulders and smiles at me, “You do whatever you want, Abbey Rhodes.  Tonight is your night, and damn it, you kicked ass!”  I manage a laugh, which was her intent, and we exit the bathroom and head outside toward the cars that are going to take us back to the hotel.

“Have a good night, Abbey.”  She leaves me at the cars and I climb into the one that Nate’s in.  We ride to the hotel in silence and I’m just happy to have some time alone for a minute.

The hotel is more extravagant than anything I’ve been in and I’m still a little in awe of how pretty it is, although I don’t really notice now because I’m still in the middle of brooding.  My bags are already in my room when I get there and I wonder how someone always knows to do what needs to be done without me seeing.  I mean…it’s like magic or something!

After taking a much needed shower, I flop down on the bed and channel surf for a while, knowing that it’s only a matter of time before I have a visitor.

As if he can read my mind, Justin knocks on my door only minutes later, calling out to me to open up.  He’s standing there with a bottle of champagne in his hands, a worried look on his face.

“Can I come in?”  I open the door and he walks past, setting the bottle down on a table before turning to me and wrapping me up in a tight hug.  “I just wanted to congratulate you on how incredible you were tonight, and how happy I am with everything you’ve done.”

He pulls back and smiles at me.  For a moment I almost forget that I’m pissed off.

But he doesn’t let me forget for long.  “So, do you want to tell me why you look like someone just ran over your dog?”

“Justin!” I smack him, “That’s a horrible metaphor.”  We sit down on the bed and he continues to look at me with that face until I can’t help but crack.

“It’s John,” I breath out, letting the emotions form earlier settle back into my chest. 

“Is he OK?”  He sounds concerned, like something had happened. 

“Oh, he’s fine.  Just being an asshole, as usual.”  I pick at the comforter before lifting my eyes to meet his.  “Were you really planning on having him fly out to see me in Memphis?”

Justin’s eyes shift from my and I know it’s true, even if he doesn’t say anything.  He’s a horribly liar.  “Yeah,” He licks his lips and gives me a sheepish look, “It was supposed to be a surprise.”

“Oh, well, he’s pissed at you.  And I guess I’m guilty by association.” 

“What?”  He sounds angry and I’m at least glad that someone shares in my upset.  “Why would he be angry?”

“Because you assumed that he could take off time from his company, and you bought the ticket for him.  For John, that’s just as bad as finding out he’s got the smaller penis.”  Justin makes a strangled noise and I laugh out loud.  His discomfort makes me giggle.

“He’s mad about that?  I thought he’d want come see you.”  Justin looks truly distraught over the fact that he could be the reason for this upset.

“Yeah, well, John doesn’t like for people to do things for him, especially you.”

“Me?”

“Mmm.  He thinks you’re throwing your wealth in his face and that I’m allowing you to do it, or something like that.”

“What crawled up his ass and died?”  Hmph!  My thoughts exactly!

“I don’t know, Boss man, I just know that I don’t want to think about this anymore.  I’ve already let it ruin enough of my night.”

Justin grins and gets up, snatching the champagne from the table and holding it up like a trophy.

“Let’s celebrate,”  He cheers, and I think that’s the best idea I’ve heard all night.