Checking his bag one last time, JC pulled a hooded sweatshirt over his pajamas and left his bedroom, trying to be quiet as he made his way toward the stairs. He’d just about made it when the door at the end of the hall opened, Heather stepping out ahead of him. “Hey, H. Sorry if I woke you up.”

“You’re going to Jen’s, aren’t you?” She waited until he nodded, then smiled. “Good. Are we meeting you there in the morning?”

“Probably.” He shifted the bag on his shoulder, taking a deep breath. “If all goes well.”

“It’ll be fine, Josh.” Heather came to him for a hug. “I heard a little bit of what Aaron said earlier, and he’s exactly right. She’s gone through some really tough stuff and sometimes she can’t get away from it. I think you’re just what she needs right now.”

“Why wouldn’t she have told me?” His arms tightened around her as he whispered. “Why didn’t she let me help her?”

“Well, you weren’t here, and she didn’t want to bother you. You know how Jenny is. She’ll do anything to help anybody, but her problems are hers and nobody else’s.” Her hand patted his back. “She never said anything to us, either. Aaron just happened to be at the same restaurant Luke had taken her to and overheard their conversation. When he told Mom and Dad, I think Dad was about to go for his shotgun.”

“Good call.”

“Yeah, I thought so, too. But it ended not long after that, so the stupid bastard got away with it.” She sighed and turned toward her bedroom. “She told me back at Thanksgiving that being with you made her really happy. Go make her smile again, okay?”

“I’m gonna do my best.” With a smile, he leaned over and kissed her cheek. “’Night, H. I’ll see you in the morning.”

“Okay. Be careful. Tell Jen I’ll be there around nine to help out.” He’d already started down the stairs when she called out to him softly. “Hey, Josh?”

Stopping mid-step, he looked over his shoulder at her. “Yeah?”

“She also told me that whenever you hug her, she doesn’t want you to let her go.” Biting back a laugh, she moved to close her door. “Just thought you should know.”

“Thanks.” Waving a hand behind him, he went on down and through the kitchen, grabbing a flashlight from a drawer and glancing at the clock. Twenty until two. Shrugging, he made sure to lock the door behind him, then jumped off the porch and turned on the flashlight, the beam illuminating a portion of the backyard. Setting off at a jog, he sped down the path and in no time was breaking out of the woods and into Jen’s yard.

Noticing a glow coming from the front of the house, he headed for the front door, turning off the flashlight as he rounded the corner. The living room curtains were open, allowing the lamp beside the couch to light the way to the porch. Climbing the stairs, he looked inside, smiling when he found Jen curled up on the end of the sofa, clad in red checkered flannel pajamas and fuzzy black house shoes, scribbling into her journal as a fire flickered in the fireplace, the lights blinking on the Christmas tree in the corner. On the coffee table, he could make out two steaming mugs on either side of a plate of what appeared to be brownies.

Shaking his head with a laugh, he reached out and tapped his knuckles against the window, staying there just long enough to see her getting up. A few more steps and he was at the front door, knocking softly so she’d know he was there. The porch light came on, and he could see a curtain moving, Jen peeking out to make sure it was him before flicking the light back off and pulling the door open.

“Hey, Boof.” He tried to speak quietly, knowing they were at the foot of the stairs and the acoustics of the front entryway sent sounds traveling straight to the bedrooms. She gave him just enough time to step inside before leaning into him, wrapping her arms around his waist and pressing her face into his chest. “I’m sorry …”

“No, this one was all me. I’m sorry, Josh.” Not caring that the door was still standing open, she tightened her hold on him, taking deep breaths as she snuggled against him and shivered, the cold from outside and the chill on his clothes cutting directly though her pajamas. “So sorry.”

“Jenny …” Leaning down, he gathered her into his arms and lifted her from the floor, closing the door behind him as she reached up to hug his neck. Turning the locks, he pressed a kiss to her cheek. “It’s cold, huh? Let’s get you back to the fire, okay?” She nodded against him, and he carried her into the living room, setting her on the couch and pulling the blanket down to cover her. “Better?”

“Now that you’re here, yes.” Watching him set his bag down and take off his sweatshirt, she gestured toward the dishes on the table. “I made apology chocolate.”

“Apology chocolate?” Looking up as he slipped off his shoes, he gave her a confused look. “You mean the really creamy kind with extra marshmallows?”

“Yeah. And heated up some extra brownies.” She shrugged sheepishly at him. “After tonight, chocolate overload seemed appropriate.”

“I’m still trying to figure out why you’re the one apologizing right now, and not me.” He arched an eyebrow at her as he sat down. “I came prepared to grovel, and here you are with apology chocolate and brownies. What gives?”

“I completely overreacted. There was no reason for me to be that upset, but things got away from me.” With a sigh, she shifted closer to him, pulling the blanket with her. Leaning forward, she picked up her mug and took a few sips before letting her eyes meet his. “I’ve been having trouble with that for a while, and I think it was worse tonight than it usually is.”

“Do you wanna talk about it?”

“We need to. But first, I think you probably need to get started on that hot chocolate.” She nodded toward the table. “A lot of this has to do with Luke, and I know how wound up you get about him.”

“Wound up? Please.” He scoffed, reaching for his mug and taking a long drink. “Mmm, that’s good.” Turning his attention to her, he settled back against the cushions. “And I don’t get wound up over Luke Dingess. I’d like to wring his neck and watch the life slowly drain out of him, but I think that should be understandable.”

“Well, you don’t know everything.” Her eyes narrowed as her teeth worked over her lip. “Maybe I should let you finish that mug. There’s more simmering on the stove, and I’m afraid we’re going to need it.” She thought over what she had to tell him and flinched. “And maybe you should have a brownie or two. Just in case.”

“I’m getting the feeling that whatever you’re about to say is gonna make me slightly angry.”

“That’s an understatement.” The blanket pulled tightly around her as she fisted her fingers in the fabric. “I know it’s been years, and he’s nowhere near this house right now, but promise me that you’ll stay with me and not fly off the handle. There’s nothing we can do about it now, so losing your temper isn’t going to help anything.”

“How about you get started, and I’ll tell you when I need that refill?” Blue eyes met hers. “It’ll be all right. I promise.”

“Okay. Here goes.” With a sigh, she turned to face him, resting her head against the cushions and giving him a small smile. “Luke Dingess wasn’t a good guy, and you knew it. You tried to remind me, but I was so excited there was finally a guy who wanted to pay attention to me, I didn’t want to listen.” Looking down, her brow furrowed. “The first date was good. He was nice, treated me well, made me feel special. We shared a lot of the same classes and had lunch together, so we were able to be around each other pretty much all day, every day. Maybe that’s why I didn’t notice when he started being himself. I don’t really know.”

“I was already insecure, because it’d taken so long for anybody to notice me. Most everybody else in our class had been going out on dates and having boyfriends and girlfriends since middle school, but I just didn’t have it in me to go breaking into someone else’s world like that. I’d already started wondering if there was something wrong with me that just put people off, made them not want to be around me. I think Luke saw that, recognized it, and knew he had a prime opportunity to capitalize on it.” A shrug lifted her shoulders. “Nobody else was interested, so why would I ever turn him down?”

“A few weeks in, I noticed that he spent a lot of time making comments toward me and about me that weren’t exactly flattering. He never said them in a way that came across as insults, but when I paid attention to what he was saying instead of how he was saying it, I realized his opinions of me weren’t what I thought they were.” Reaching out, she took another drink of chocolate. “He was always friendly when we were around people from school, but he started getting fierce when we were alone. I was made precisely aware of how he felt about my looks, my clothes, my hobbies … everything.”

“I didn’t know how a couple was supposed to treat each other. I’d never been in a relationship, so I really didn’t have anything to compare it to. I knew Dad had never spoken to Mom the way Luke spoke to me, but I figured they’d been married for years, so they weren’t a good example. You never treated me that way, but you weren’t interested in me, either, so I didn’t think that was a fair comparison. I brought it up to a few of the girls in choir, asking for advice, and they just said guys would be guys and I shouldn’t take it personally. They didn’t seem concerned, and I thought if I gave it time, it’d go back to the way it was when we started, when he was kind and sweet, so I stuck with it.”

“After a while, I started agreeing with him and decided to try to improve myself, but none of it really worked. I liked food too much to stick to any kind of diet, I enjoyed my hobbies too much to give them up completely and I could never really fit in with the people he thought I should.” With a quiet laugh, she let her fingers tighten around the mug. “If nothing else, he got me to dress better. I never bought anything as fitted or as revealing as he wanted, but I found a style I liked and kept it. And I figured out that I actually enjoyed jogging and running, could see that I was getting at least slightly thinner, so I felt a little better about not starving myself to lose the extra pounds he kept saying I was hanging on to.”

“He took me out on Valentine’s Day, and when I got in the car, he was playing If You Wanna Be Happy. You know, that funny little song Dad used to dance with us to?” She waited for his nod, then went on. “I’d told him about that memory, and I thought it was sweet that he remembered what it meant to me. But then I realized it was playing over and over on the stereo, and he was doing stuff with the lyrics. Whenever it would talk about the pretty woman, he’d pick out a girl on the sidewalk or in a car around us and do something to get her attention. Then it’d talk about getting an ugly girl to marry you, and he’d make it all about me. We got to the restaurant – the steak house that used to be down around the courthouse – and I didn’t even get to see a menu. He ordered a full steak dinner for himself and a side salad for me. No dressing, because I didn’t need the extra calories.”

“And then he started quoting that song loud enough for the table next to us to hear.” Swallowing hard, she closed her eyes. “I saw Aaron sitting in a booth close by, and I was mortified. Luke didn’t know who he was, and kept at me the entire meal, no matter how I tried to get him to stop. Aaron finished first, and stopped by to say hi, then asked if I was okay. I could tell he was aggravated, but I said I was fine and sent him on his way. Luke didn’t like that very much, so he restarted the song as soon as we got back in the car. I haven’t been able to listen to it since, and that memory of Dad was completely ruined.” A bitter smile formed as she shook her head. “And we won’t get into how much he made me hate Valentine’s Day.”

“I’d never considered myself to be very attractive before then, so it didn’t take much for me to decide he was right about my looks. Nobody else had ever called me pretty or beautiful, and if I hadn’t heard it before, then the opposite must be true. I must be as ugly as he seemed to think I was. Clothes didn’t help, I was never very good at the whole makeup thing – Mom tried to teach me, bless her heart, but I just didn’t have the interest for anything more than the basics – and it wasn’t long before I started spending more time in front of the mirror, picking out every little thing about me that wasn’t perfect. That’s when the voice started.”

“I hated that damn voice, pointing out every flaw in everything about me: my personality, my appearance, my weight, my interests. Everything. I never did the right thing. I never said the right words. The sizes hanging in my closet were unacceptable. I wasn’t given the solo for the choir concert because my voice was horrible. I nearly backed out of playing the piano with the orchestra, because I might’ve been hitting the right notes, but the expression was all wrong. My journals from that time look insane. Every page is marked with corrections and edits, since none of my work was good enough.”

“Our first date was in January, and it was March when he started trying to get me to have sex with him.” Clearing her throat, she took a second to drain her chocolate and laid the empty mug on the table before pulling her knees up to her chest, hugging her arms around the blanket covering her legs. “I wasn’t ready for that, and I told him so. But he came back with all these reasons why I should, how it would improve things about me that were otherwise not fixable. Even as messed up as I was, I knew better than that and kept putting him off.”

“He worked on me for about a month, then decided what I really needed was a romantic gesture to get things started. We wound up back at that same steak house as Valentine’s Day, but I got to order what I wanted. It was like he’d hit rewind and was back to the guy he’d been to draw me in to start with. We had a nice evening, he started to take me home, then pulled over into that park across from the middle school. I thought maybe he wanted to talk some more, but something seemed off, so I tried to keep as much distance between us as I could. At least, until he started kissing me, then I let my guard down a little bit.”

“It was like one of those stupid Lifetime movies, but without the rape. He started touching me, trying to get to the zipper on my pants, and I backed off, telling him to stop. He laughed at me, said he knew what I really wanted, and tried to pull me back across the seat. I pushed him away, rolled down the window and threatened to start screaming if he didn’t take me home. That pissed him off, of course, and he started yelling at me, telling me that if I loved him, I would. Not too bright, because loving him had never even crossed my mind, and I made sure he knew it. Then he started cursing at me, calling me a teasing bitch and saying it didn’t matter if I didn’t love him, because he was going to be the only one who pitied me enough to ever have sex with me. Nobody else had ever wanted me, and if I didn’t let him have me, he doubted anyone else would have standards that low, so I’d better get it while I could.”

“I don’t remember what I said after that, but he leaned across me, opened the door and pushed me out. After I was on the ground, he hit me with the door while he was trying to close it. It hurt so bad, I started crying and that just made it worse. He yelled at me to get my fat ass down, slammed the door, started the car and took off, heading toward his house. It was cold and dark, I didn’t have a jacket, my shoulder and hip hurt like hell, there was a scrape on my face where the edge of the door clipped my head and he’d left me almost three miles from home. For a little while, I just stood there, that stupid voice telling me what a dumbass I was, thinking he’d be back, but he never came, so I started walking. The shortest route had me passing through his neighborhood, and about halfway down the second block, I saw his car on the other side of the street, right across from Macie’s house. The windows were fogged, except for the one in the back that was rolled down, and she had her legs wrapped around him, telling him she loved him while he put that suspension to the test.”

“By the time I made it to the end of the block, she was screaming his name, so I guess that entire neighborhood knew they had a thing going.” Pushing the blanket aside, she let her fingers trace the plaid pattern of her pajama pants. “I was so glad Mom was working second shift, because I beat her home with enough time to clean myself up and get in bed before she could see how torn up I was. She checked on me when she came in, but I pretended to be asleep, so I wouldn’t have to talk to her.”

“I didn’t sleep at all that night, and the next day at school I was a walking zombie. People left me alone, and that was good, because I wouldn’t have been able to say the right things anyway. Then I had to go past the guy’s locker room on my way from the cafeteria to the arts wing, and Luke caught me in the hallway. He started in on me again, dumping me in front of all those people, humiliating me with all the reasons he could come up with that just made me a lousy person overall.” Taking a deep breath, she leaned her forehead on her knees. “Something in me snapped, and I started screaming and throwing punches, nailing him in the face and stomach until he went flying through that door. Once he was down, I actually went into the locker room and kicked him square in the balls twice. I was about to slam my bookbag over his head when the coach came in and grabbed me, dragged me back into the hallway and just stood there as I lost it. We’re talking a hysterical mess, to the point where I was sobbing so hard, I couldn’t breathe. He calmed me down and said he wasn’t going to turn me in, because he’d heard about what Luke had done to me. Apparently, I’d been the joke of the locker room from the beginning.”

“The next week, I was added to the Prom Queen ballot as a joke. I didn’t think anything of it and was trying to ignore it. Mom started asking questions, and I was able to explain away the bruises and played it off as just your regular break up. It took me weeks to start feeling kind of normal again, and I was able to convince myself that it was over and I was okay. You came home for the dance, so you know I won that crown, but I never could get anyone to be honest with me about how. There was absolutely no logical reason for me to have won, seeing as the rest of the girls were far more popular than I ever was, and I figured they were trying to spare me from knowing I’d gotten the class pity vote.”

“It was a little better with you here, but then you … uh, you weren’t able to stay long. After you went back to Florida, I tried to build up at least a little bit of my confidence again. I didn’t care what I looked like, because it really didn’t matter to me anymore. It was what it was and everyone else could take me or leave me. I was comfortable with myself and that was fine. It’s a miracle he didn’t leave me anorexic and schizophrenic.” Her eyes finally came up to meet his, and she was shaken by the raw fury she found there. “I never loved him. Never came close. I just wanted so badly for someone to want me, but it blew up in my face. I was able to recover for the most part, but that voice never went away, Josh. It’s been with me ever since. If I get too confident, too happy, too excited, it always starts screaming at me, reminding me of everything I can’t fix about myself. It taunts me with all the things I want, everything I dream of, teasing me that I should know I can never have them, that I’m not good enough to have any of it.” Tears began filling her eyes. “After all these years, Luke Dingess is still torturing me, and no matter what I do, he won’t go away.”

“Is that what happened tonight?” His voice was strained, and she could tell he was fighting to stay calm. “You had to leave to cope?”

“Something like that, yeah.” Sighing, she scooted over until she could lean against his shoulder. “You asked me to wait for you two years ago, and that’s what I wanted. I was willing to wait however long it took, because you’re the only one I can see myself truly happy with. But this entire time, I’ve been fighting against the feeling that no matter what, I’m not enough for you. That voice keeps telling me I’m an idiot for letting you string me along, because I’m nowhere near the level of the girls you’ve met overseas, or the ones you’ll meet now that you’re home. You’re in an industry packed with beautiful people, and I fall far short of what they can offer you. I keep waiting for you to finally tell me that you’ve found your perfect girl – your Meant to Be – and it’s okay for me to move on.” A trembling smile lifted her lips as she looked up at him, the first tears running down her cheeks. “I never want you to settle for less than you deserve, Josh. You should have the absolute best, and there’s a big part of me that knows I’m not it.”

“Jenny …”

“When I met Sara for the first time, and she attacked me the way she did, it wasn’t hard. She was an unknown that had come into our lives, who became a common enemy. The playing field was even, because it was obvious you couldn’t stand her, either.” Sniffling, she pressed into him when his arm went around her shoulders. “But Candice has history. There was a time you chose her, no matter how young we were. And she grew into an irritatingly beautiful version of what she used to be. I walked in that room, saw the way you were sitting together, and froze. I knew exactly who she was, and you were obviously having a great time talking to her.”

“It wasn’t a big deal, nothing to be upset about. I know we’ve never been anything official, and I don’t have any kind of claim on you. You’re free to sit and talk with anyone you want. But when I’ve got Luke in my head telling me he was right the entire time, that even you couldn’t really want me, it starts the spiral.” A deep sigh raised her shoulders. “I’ve always known that I’m not really your type. You like a tall, gorgeous hourglass figure and I can’t give you that. Candice is a far better match for you than I’ll ever be. But even after trying to prepare myself for it, when I saw her kissing you, I bottomed out and needed to get away.”

“You can put any claim on me you want, Jen.” His fingers worked their way into her hair, combing the strands away from her wet cheeks. “Sara, Candice … no girl who comes around me gets to me like you do. And if you really want me to choose a type, then it’s always gonna be you.”

“God, I wish my brain would let me believe that.” More tears escaped as she turned her face into his chest. “Until that last night, he never raised a hand to me, never hit me, never touched me unless I allowed it, but sometimes I wish he’d come at me with his fists instead. Bruises would’ve gone away, I could’ve gone after him for something physical, but this emotional mess he left me in just keeps getting worse. I’m sorry, Josh.”

“You don’t need to apologize, Boof.” He pulled her onto his lap, wrapping his arms around her tightly as he began rocking back and forth, kissing the side of her head when she hugged him around the neck. “But I think you need to get some help. It kills me that I wasn’t here for you when you needed me, and now I’m not equipped with what you need to deal with this.”

“Mac’s gonna look for a therapist I can talk to when we get back to Orlando.”

“Good.”

“It’s a start, anyway.” She heaved a shaky breath against him. “There’s no easy fix to this, Josh. I can’t just wish away a problem I’ve tried to ignore for years.”

“I know.” He leaned down, pressing his lips to hers briefly. “But even baby steps are progress.” His eyes narrowed in irritation. “And just so you know, if I ever see him again, I’m kicking his ass.”

“I doubt that’s gonna happen. Last I heard, he’d had at least one kid and was either engaged or married, working on a degree in sports medicine somewhere in Texas.” Sighing, she licked her lips, tasting chocolate. “Now that we’re going to be around each other more, I may be asking you for a lot of forgiveness.” Her brow furrowed as she raised up to look at him. “Things are different than they were before you left. We weren’t anything but friends, and I didn’t let myself get so caught up that it’d bother me. I don’t want to push you away, so please don’t let me.”

“I’m not going anywhere. If you need me, and I’m not with you, call me. I may not be able to get to you, but I’ll listen as long as you need me to.” His forehead rested against hers. “And if something’s bothering you that you can’t talk to me about, if you need to talk to someone else, then find Maggie or call Amber or Heather.”

“I will. I promise.”

“Okay.” He held her for a while, smiling when she curled into him, her fingertips scratching through the hair on the back of his head. “Do you have anything else you need to tell me?”

“No.”

“Then I think it’s my turn.” She leaned back, her eyes widening at him. “Nothing bad, I swear. But let’s get a refill on that chocolate.” He grinned as she moved to stand. “I’m not wasting apology chocolate, even if it wasn’t necessary.”

“Lord help if we waste the chocolate.” Letting out a laugh, she reached down, arching a brow at him when she picked up the empty brownie plate. “You ate them all? How did I miss that?”

“You were focused.” Draping his arm over her shoulders, he led her to the kitchen. “And I needed something to keep me on the couch. You know me too well.”

“Yeah.” She set the plate in the sink, then turned back to watch him refill both their mugs. “Did you even eat anything at your house earlier? I wasn’t paying attention. I’ve got extra of everything if you’re hungry.” Walking past him, she pulled open the fridge. “I know it’s almost three, but all that chocolate can’t be good for you.”

“I raided the leftovers before getting my bag ready. Pretty much finished off what was left of the chicken salad, so Mom’ll be after my head in the morning. It’s her favorite.” Handing her a mug, he hugged her quickly. “By the way, Heather wants your sausage ball recipe. They were a hit.”

“That’s good.” Jen smiled up at him. “We had a blast cooking when she came to visit, so I put together a scrapbook of my recipes for her for Christmas. My special calzone crust and sauce even made it in, and I don’t give that out to just anybody.”

“She’ll love that. You may need to walk her through it sometime.” He flipped off the kitchen light as they went back to the living room. “She mentioned wanting to visit during Spring Break next year, too. Apparently, she’s jealous Ty got to go with you to the studio.”

“Yeah, that wasn’t exactly planned.” She sighed, settling back down on the couch. “Brian had a glitch in his system and lost the vocals for a demo we hadn’t finished. We had to go back to redo some stuff.” Taking a sip of her chocolate, she watched him pick up his bag and set it on the coffee table. “I wanted to do something special with each of them, so I got Ty tickets to an exhibition baseball game at Disney and took H for a behind the scenes tour at Busch Gardens.”

“Oh, I heard all about it. You’re spoiling them rotten, you know.” Sliding the zipper, he pulled the bag open and started fishing around, pulling out a CD case and moving over to the stereo system. “He was so proud of that home run ball he caught. And I don’t think she realized how cool penguins were until she got to play with one.”

“I want to do something like that with each of the guys next year, too. Instead of a birthday gift.”

“Like what?” He loaded the disc but didn’t play it, picking up the remote and coming back to the couch. “Busch Gardens?”

“Maybe. Something special I know they’ll enjoy.” Her teeth worked over her lip. “You know, before the group gets so big it’s impossible for me to go do anything with them. If I can get the dates to work, I think I’ve already got J and Chris figured out, and Lance should be fairly easy, I just have to wait for the right name to pop up. I might need your help with Joey, though. He’s a little tougher.” She glanced over when he sat down beside her, nudging him with a smile. “And I can probably get creative for you, too.”

“As you wish, Boof.” Leaning over, he kissed her quickly. “I’m up for anything.” Reaching back in the bag, he retrieved a small box wrapped in Christmas paper. “Okay. My turn.”

“Your turn.” Clearing her throat, she fidgeted nervously. “Are you sure you don’t need more brownies?”

“Positive.” Taking a quick drink from his mug, he turned to face her. “As I said before, I came over here tonight prepared to grovel. I’ve had to switch gears just a little, but I’m pretty sure I still owe you an apology.”

“Josh. No …”

“Yeah, I think I do. I’m sorry about tonight. For the first time in a long time, I let myself get distracted, and it hurt you.” His brow furrowed slightly. “I hurt you, and it makes me sick. I’m so sorry, Jen. On top of that, it’s come to my attention that maybe I haven’t been too clear on where I stand with what’s going on between us. You should have no doubts about that, so I’m sorry if I gave you any mixed signals.” Tilting his head, he let out a sigh. “I know waiting isn’t exactly the best of situations, for either of us. When I wasn’t here, we didn’t have a choice, but now that I’m home, it’s just irritating. Right?” He paused as she nodded slowly. “But there’s a reason for it, and I think I need to explain myself. Okay?”

“O-okay.”

“Here goes.” Picking up the remote, he advanced the disc and pressed play. “I really like your version of this better, but I didn’t have it with me. Butterfly is one of my favorite songs you’ve written. There’s no story sheet for it, so I have no idea who you wrote it for or why, but it fits our situation perfectly.” Moving closer to her, he reached for her hands. “Ever since you were younger, you’ve talked about how you wanted to go to school and get your degree, and I’ve always wanted for you to be able to have that, to get to experience college life, meet new people and make all kinds of memories. I was thrilled when you got accepted to UCF, because I knew how hard it was to get into their program. Then by some miracle, I wound up down there, too. God, I was so excited that I was gonna get to be close to you. Things took off like a bat out of hell, and not too long after you got there, you started building a career to go along with that degree you’re working for.”

“I was having a blast watching you love life, then Sweden came calling, and I had to go. It killed me to leave you behind, but I knew there were things you needed to be doing, just like I was having to go take care of business overseas. As soon as Johnny came in, telling us we’d gotten the deal, it hit me that I had to let you go so you could build your life here, and it tore me up, because I knew giving you that freedom opened up the definite chance I could lose you to someone else. As hard as that was, I thought I could deal with it. But then I kissed you in that grocery store, and things got complicated.”

“I fought with myself for weeks after that, trying to figure out the best thing to do. Asking you to wait for me was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, because I didn’t want to trap you in that. As you said, it basically meant we were hanging out in limbo, and that’s not what I wanted for you. Every option I had sucked, but my heart was involved, and I couldn’t leave without asking. To be honest, when you said yes, and I found out you wanted it, too, breathing became a lot easier.”

“Knowing that I could still give you the opportunity to do your thing, while keeping the possibility open to have more than just a friendship with you … that was the best-case scenario in my book. My coming home puts us a lot closer to what I’m hoping for, but it’s still a work in progress. You’re so close to your finish line, it’s almost in sight, and I will not be a distraction when you’re this close to earning your degree.” He picked up the present and handed it to her. “Go ahead and open it.” Her fingers worked quickly over the wrapping, and when she lifted the lid, he heard her breath catch. “I found this in a jewelry shop in Stockholm and had to get it for you.”

“It’s beautiful, Josh.” She tilted it around, trying to get a better look at the colors. “Thank you.”

“I saw it and knew it was perfect for you.” Taking the box from her, he pulled the large silver hair clip from its cushion and held it up, the blue and purple jewels that made up the butterfly’s wings sparkling in the firelight. “You’re my butterfly, Jen, and you’re still spreading your wings. When we got to work together in the studio back in June, I could see that you were nearly there. There’s just a little more work to do.” He returned the gift to her, his eyes meeting hers. “When you came to visit, I got an idea of how it could be, and I want to try keeping it up now that I’m home. You’ll be covered up with your classes and work, and I’ll be doing whatever has to be done for the group, but we’re gonna make this work.” Raising her hand, he pressed his lips over her knuckles. “I’m probably gonna be just as clingy with you as I was in Europe, especially when we’re alone. But as for the labels, names and stuff … you’ve said that you can’t graduate sooner and I won’t let you put any of your focus on me until you’ve finished your program, so another year is all I ask. As busy as we’re both about to be, it’ll go by in a flash.”

“Graduation is still the finish line, huh?”

“That’s right.” His hands came up to cup her face. “And to be perfectly clear: you are not the only one waiting. There hasn’t been anyone else since before I came home from filming for the Club. Not because I’ve been busy, but because I don’t want anyone else. No other girl, over in Europe or here in the States, comes close to measuring up to what I have in front of me right now. As far as I’m concerned, I’m yours, with or without labels.”

“When I moved back down to Florida and spent those weeks waiting for you to get there, I realized that you meant home to me. If I’m near you, then I’m where I belong.” Brown eyes widened, and he smiled, brushing a thumb over her cheek. “You make me happy, Boof. Everything about you means happiness to me. Your eyes, your smile, your laugh … and damn, you’re beautiful.” As soon as he mentioned her appearance, he could see the insecurity taking over, and he knew from her expression that she was trying to fight it back. “Try to forget about everything that bastard told you. Don’t let him win, Jen. He’s not here right now, I am, and I’m telling you that you are beautiful. Gorgeous. Inside and out.” His eyes met hers, his hands keeping her from turning away. “Have I ever lied to you?”

“No.” She shook her head, then tilted her chin down as far as she could, looking at herself. “But I’m not …”

“I’ve never lied to you, and I’m not about to start now, all right?” He waited for her nod, then let his hands come down to her shoulders. “Listen to me. I know I don’t make a big deal out of saying it, but I love to look at you. I always have. It doesn’t matter if you’re in pajamas, jeans or that blue dress that made most of America’s men lust after you.” A quiet huff shook her chest, and he grinned when she rolled her eyes. “You can’t deny it. People decided to feature you for more than just winning a Grammy. They knew copies would be flying off the shelves. Mom had to go all the way into D.C. just to find one to send me.” One brow arched at him, and he let out a laugh. “Yeah, I’m guilty. That magazine has travelled with me ever since it was delivered. That’s my girl on the cover, showing the entire world why Joey calls her Hot Stuff.”

“But that’s what happens with Mom and Maggie working on me for hours. That’s not every day me.” She looked down at herself again, her fingers tangling in the loose fabric of her pajamas. “Every day me is …”

“Every day you is everything I want.” Releasing her, he picked up the stereo remote and cut off the music. “Here. Stand up.”

“Josh, you’re at least a foot taller than me. If we stand up next to each other, that’s just going to prove how physically incompatible we are.”

“I’m not standing up. You are.” Tugging on her hands, he pulled her to the edge of the cushions. “Come on.” With a sigh, she finally obeyed, letting him move her until she was standing in front of him. He let himself look his fill, his gaze moving over her from head to toe, a grin forming when he noticed the little elves peeking out of a few of the plaid squares in her shirt. “Cute elves.” She laughed quietly, giving him a small smile. “As much time as I spend looking at you, I’m surprised you haven’t caught me staring yet.” He shifted to sit on the edge of the couch, reaching for her. “I’m going to touch you, but don’t let me make you uncomfortable. Tell me to stop whenever you want.”

“Okay.” Her eyes closed, a hum escaping her throat as his fingers slid into her hair. “Oh, that’s nice.”

“Yeah, I like it when you mess with my hair, too.” Starting at her scalp, he combed through to the very tips, letting his fingers play with the ends, twirling the strands around before starting over again. “I never really thought of myself as a hair guy, but I love yours. It’s always soft and bouncy and smells like that shampoo you use. Flowery and clean.” Letting his fingertips glide over her forehead, he drew a line down the bridge of her nose, smiling when it wrinkled a bit under his touch. “Lonnie and Kenny weren’t kidding when they said you look like Tinkerbell. Your face is what gives you that fairy look. Round cheeks, large eyes, smooth skin, cute nose. I kind of miss the freckles you used to have when you were a kid.” He tapped a finger against the tip of her nose, then let one hand cradle the curve of her jaw as the other moved to her mouth. “Your mouth is perfect. Soft lips, just the right shape.” Sitting up taller, he kissed her, holding back a laugh when she tried to keep him from pulling away. “More later, if you want. I promise.”

“Uh huh.” She let herself look at him, eyes twinkling as they opened. “Sure.”

“Your mouth fits mine like a dream. You have a killer smile that draws in the entire room. And your eyes …” The fingers that had been against her lips came up to trace a curved line beneath each of her eyes. “Your eyes remind me of chocolate. That rich, fudgy stuff you put in the brownies you make for me. They sparkle when you laugh and light up when you smile. Sometimes, I try to tell myself that maybe a little of that spark could be for me.” When she nodded, he grinned, stretching up to kiss her again. “God, you have no idea how happy that makes me.” Another quick kiss and he backed away, his thumbs moving across either side of her jaw. “I can see your dad in your chin and jaw. You inherited his stubbornness, his attitude, and it’s obvious here. But your lines are so soft, they just blend right in perfectly.”

“You have such a beautiful face, Boof. Those first few nights after you caught up to us in Berlin, I’d just lie there in the dark, trying to memorize you, praying that one day I’d get to keep you.” His hands left her face, coming to her shoulders and moving gently down her arms to her wrists and back up. “Whenever you hug me, I wish you’d never let me go.” Her eyes widened, and he smiled. “Yeah, H spilled a few of the beans. But I figured the feeling was mutual, so it was okay.” He reached her hands, pulling them toward him so he could place his palms against hers, lacing their fingers together. “Just like your mouth, your hands fit mine perfectly. Mine are larger, but your fingers are just the right size.”

“That jackass tried to make a big deal out of your clothes, but I don’t care what you wear. Unless you ask for my opinion, I’ll never tell you how to dress.” His eyes came up to hers as he untwined their fingers, hesitantly letting his hands settle on her waist. When she didn’t flinch, he let his grip tighten on her. “You’ve always liked your clothes to be a little loose, and that’s fine by me. If you’re comfortable, then you’re happy, and that’s all I want. But there may be times where you have to dress a little more formally. Wear whatever you’d like, but a little part of me hopes for a repeat of Berlin someday. Or maybe the Grammys.”

He let his fingers fist in the material of her pajama top, drawing it tight enough to show off her figure, his eyes darkening as he studied her curves. “If you think an hourglass figure is what does it for me, then you haven’t been paying attention. God put together the perfect mix of sexy and sweetness and set you down right where you’d drive me out of my mind.” A warm smile formed as his thumbs swept lazy circles against her ribs. “You’re the kind of hot that makes me want to get my hands on you and show you exactly what my type is. I could watch you for hours and never get bored, no matter how many layers you have on. You have a dynamite body, Jen, and you won’t hear any complaints from me if you feel like showing it off. You don’t have to show a lot of skin to be sexy, you know.”

“Josh …” She bit her lip when his hands began moving over her sides, sliding up toward her bust, then tracing her shape down until he stopped on her hips. “You haven’t mentioned my legs. And how much shorter than yours they are.”

“Doesn’t matter.” His fingers squeezed, pulling her closer to him. “You’ll be surprised at how much I have to say about your legs, but that’s definitely a conversation for another day. All you need to know right now is that it really doesn’t matter how long they are.” Swallowing hard, his gaze moved over her face before settling on her eyes. “I’m just going to lay it out there that this isn’t going anywhere tonight. Right now, we’re working things out, and no matter how much I want you, I know it’s really not the right time. Do you understand?” At her nod, he took a deep breath. “Okay. Do you remember the night before I left? We were watching Spaceballs?”

“I don’t think I could forget.”

“Feel comfortable enough for a repeat? It’s really the only way I can think of to show you what I mean.” With a smile, she came toward him, her knees resting on either side of him as she climbed onto the couch, straddling his lap. His grip tightened on her hips and he gave her a grin. “Put your arms around my neck, but don’t kiss me yet, okay? I’ll completely miss making my point.” Laughing under her breath, she obeyed, hugging him as he wanted. Without another word, his hands left her hips, his arms wrapping around her and pulling her as tightly to him as he could. Her breath caught in her chest at the feel of his body against hers, their hips aligning at the perfect spot for her to press her face into his shoulder or neck. “Do you feel that?” She could feel him breathing, every move he made, and nodded again. “You were made for me, Boof. We were designed to fit together. Body, mouth, hands …” His touch moved over her back. “We’re perfect for each other.”

“We are.” There was no question in her tone, the statement definite as she pulled back just far enough to see his face. “Is this why you’re always picking me up?”

“Guilty again.” There was no shame in his expression. “I can’t help it. I love the feel of you.”

“I understand. And I agree. Why do you think I never want you to let me go?” Leaning in, she caught his lips with hers, letting her fingers comb up into hair he’d allowed to grow longer just to make her happy. His hands returned to grip her hips, a quiet groan rumbling through his chest as he moved his mouth against hers in a series of kisses that had his body responding almost immediately. She broke away when she felt the change in him, arching an eyebrow with a smile as she looked at him.

“Yeah, like I said … I want you. How you make me react is something else we’ll talk about when we have that conversation about your legs.” Laughing softly, he moved forward, whispering in her ear. “I’m just like any other guy, you know. I have to get creative every now and again, but, really, it’s been a long time for me, Jen. Considering what you do to me sitting on a couch, whenever we do have that talk, it’s gonna be damn amazing.” Grinning at her widened eyes, he twisted around until he could set her down on the couch next to him. She refused to let him put space between them, crowding into his side, her arm going around his waist. Leaning over, he kissed her once more. “Just to make sure we’re clear, let’s review. What do I think of you as?”

“Your butterfly.” Reaching out, she let her fingers trace the edge of the box, smiling at the butterfly that glittered with the same colors as the one inked on her back. “You’re mine, too.”

“I was hoping for that.” Relaxing back into the cushions, he pulled her tighter against him, burying his face in her hair. “Are you the only one waiting?”

“No.” She let herself sink into his arms, resting into his chest as his chin settled against the side of her head. “You’re waiting, too.”

“Why?”

“Because you don’t want anyone else but me.” Tilting her head back, she pressed a kiss to the underside of his jaw. “Just like I want you.”

“Right.” He breathed deeply, smiling when she sighed against him. “How do you make me feel?”

“Happy. At home.” Brown eyes glinted with humor as she looked up at him. “Maybe a little turned on.”

“Yeah, all the above.” Laughing, he gave her a squeeze, then arched an eyebrow at her. “Speaking of … how do I make you feel?”

“All the above.” Her gaze moved over him, a blush beginning to stain her cheeks. “Definitely all the above.”

“Good.” Kissing her forehead, he let his fingers comb through her hair. “What do I think you are?”

“Beautiful. Gorgeous.” A smile lifted her features as she stored the uplifting phrases away in her heart. “Hot, sexy, sweet and with a dynamite body. Perfect for you.” Her voice became questioning. “Worth waiting for?”

“Absolutely worth waiting for.” His thumb pushed against her chin, lifting it up so he could kiss her. “I wouldn’t wait for anyone else.” He let his forehead rest against hers. “What’s our finish line?”

“My graduation.”

“Are you okay with that?” Blue eyes searched hers, looking for any hesitancy. “I know it’s another year.”

“You have an album to redo and hopefully shows to plan, and I’ve only got one more regular semester before I have to start really pulling together my showcase, not to mention any other work that pops up. This year is going to be nuts for both of us, and neither of us can really afford any distractions.” Her fingers came to his face. “As long as we can work in a little bit of this every now and again …” She gestured over how they were cuddled on the couch. “I think you’re right. It’ll fly by before we know it.”

“Oh, we’ll definitely work this in.” With a grin, he let his lips move over hers again. “I’m not giving this up for a year.” Shifting around, he pulled on her until they were lying down, facing each other, and reached up to turn off the lamp. Darkness fell over the room, leaving them with firelight and the blinking Christmas lights. “For right now, unless they send us somewhere to record, I’ll be home with you. And when we start heading out to do shows, if you’ve got nothing else happening during your breaks, or if you get a few days off between classes, I’d love it if you’d visit.” She could see his brow furrow in the dim lighting. “Don’t change your plans for me, though. If you’ve got work to do, something going with your mom or Maggie, or if you’ve got Ty or H visiting, then stay put and enjoy it. Okay?”

“Yep. I promise.” Closing her eyes, she let her cheek rest on his chest. “I was a little upset that I couldn’t go to the filming of your new video last week, though. You were just across town, but I had work to finish.”

“I could tell you weren’t too happy about it. We missed you, too.” His arms wrapped around her, holding her against him. “The guys and I talked it over and decided that since you couldn’t be there, you should be the first to see it.”

“Really?” She looked up at him, eyes wide. “They gave you a copy?”

“The tape is in my bag. Nobody outside the group has seen it, not even our families. You’ll be our first real opinion.” Yawning, he felt himself beginning to relax. “I thought we’d watch it in the morning, before everybody gets here.”

“I’d love that.” Settling back into him, she could feel her eyelids growing heavy. “Thank you, Josh.”

“Mmhmm.” As he began to drift off, he managed one more question. “Boof? Whose voice is in your head now?”

“Yours.” She sighed, hugging an arm around his neck as sleep came. “It’s nice.”

“Good.” He slid his fingers into her hair and pressed his lips to her forehead. “I’m gonna try to keep it that way.”