“J, man… are you sure?  I mean, the kid looks like you, no doubt.  But I also know that you’re going through a really rough time right now and I don’t think you’re thinking all that clearly.  How do you know for sure without having tests done?” 

Justin had spent half the morning on the phone with his attorney, plus two other attorneys from the firm.  He wanted to know what kind of rights he had, but the only thing he was hearing was advice on taking a damn paternity test! 

Trace was just echoing more of the same.  He understood where they were all coming from, but still, it just wasn’t what he wanted to hear.  “Trace, how more blunt do I have to be?  I had sex with this girl almost five years ago, in the back of a limo,” that part was irrelevant, but for some reason he liked adding it in, “with absolutely no protection.  It was stupid, yes.  But it happened.” 

“I have heard the story, J.  I was there when you wrote the fucking song, although you never mentioned not wearing a fucking rubber, you goddamn idiot.” 

Justin shushed the technicality away with a wave of his hand.  “Doesn’t really matter now, does it?  Point is-- that’s my kid.  I feel it in my bones.  That’s my son and, besides, why would she lie now?  If she was going to try and get money out of me, which obviously she doesn’t need considering she married Jason fucking Brown, one of the highest paid quarterbacks in the NFL--”

“And a real fucking asshole, too,” Trace interjected.

Justin nodded in agreement and continued.  “If she wanted money, she would have tried to get it from me already.”

Trace just shook his head.  “If you’re so convinced, then what’s the big deal having the test done?”

“He’s four years old.  I don’t want to put him through that.”

“It’s a fucking DNA test, J.  That’s it.  No big deal.   It’s not like they have to extract bone marrow or some shit.  They don't even draw blood anymore, just swab your mouth with a q-tip thing.”

Justin realized that Trace was right, and everyone else for Christ’s sake, but how could he ask for the test now? After he’d made such a big deal about knowing Cody was his.  He didn’t want to seem that cold.  “Well, regardless, I told her I would call and I need to do that before it gets any later.  I’d like to meet with her today, if I can, and at least figure out what we do next.  I want to get to know my son.”  He stepped out of the kitchen, leaving the conversation at that and heading upstairs to his office where things were a bit more private.

He prayed to God she answered the phone.  He was scared to death that she was going to try and hide from him.  He wasn’t sure why, but the feeling was there and it scared the shit out of him.  He’d already missed the first four years of Cody’s life, he didn’t want to miss anymore.

The phone rang a good four times.  His stomach felt completely tied in knots.    He found himself quietly chanting, “Please answer.  Please answer.”

Finally after the sixth, she did.  “Hello?”

“Cassidy?”

”Yes?” 

He wondered what had happened to all the confidence and arrogance she’d exuded five years ago.  She didn’t have the same spunk as she’d had back then. “Hi.  It’s Justin.  Justin Timberlake.”

“Hi,” she said calmly, nervously.

“I hope I didn’t catch you at a bad time?” he asked.  This was awkward and he wanted to tread lightly, cautiously.

“No, not really.”

“Um, do you think we could meet sometime today?  Do you have any free time?”

“I’m free right now,” she answered to his surprise.

Inwardly he let out a sigh of relief.  “Okay, well I can meet now.  Where at?”

“Do you mind coming here?  Cody is just about to go down for a nap and that would give us time to talk.”

He wasn’t expecting that, but he was definitely eager to see the environment his son was living in.  It was amazing how he instantly felt concerned.  It was like an instant attachment, something he’d never experienced before.  “Okay.  I just need directions.”

Cassidy explained how to get to her home and then hung up the phone.  She was suddenly very nervous.  She should have asked if he was coming alone.  What if he was bringing a lawyer?  Surely things couldn’t happen so quickly.  They’d need testing done first, right?  Just word alone wasn’t enough to prove that Cody was his.  She hadn’t listed Justin’s name on the birth certificate.  There was no record of Cody’s father anywhere.

The thought of him trying to take Cody away from her had haunted her all night and all morning.  Her little boy was her everything. 

It was amazing to think she almost hadn’t had him.  When she’d found out she was pregnant her first thought was to end it.   She had been so focused on her career at the time, and nothing else.  So she’d made the appointment and even sat in the doctor’s office.  But when it came right down to it, she just couldn’t go through with it.  She’d gone straight to her parent’s house and confessed.  Of course she’d never told them who the father was or the exact circumstances.  It had been much easier to say it had simply been a very short relationship and that the man wanted nothing to do with her.

She also realized that fact could make things a little difficult now.  Her father hadn’t questioned her the day before at the game, but surely his mind was wandering and he was probably thinking pretty nasty thoughts about Justin.  She was going to have to straighten that out now and that’s another thing she didn’t want to deal with.

Then, of course, there was the major fact of her son--their son.  How would she tell him that Justin was his daddy?  Should she just tell him outright?  Should she let them get to know each other and then tell him?  She had absolutely no idea what to do and the whole situation had stressed her so deeply that she hadn’t been able to eat a thing all day.

With all the stress in her life over the last several months she’d lost a good ten pounds.  She hoped things were going to get better soon because she really didn’t have anymore spare pounds to lose.  She was whittling down to nothing. 

Forty-five minutes spanned between the time she’d hung up the phone and heard the buzz at the gate.  She’d spent the majority of it snuggling with Cody in his bedroom while he watched a movie before eventually drifting off to sleep for his afternoon nap.  She was afraid--afraid their relationship was about to change in a very significant way and she wanted to cherish him while she still could.  She wanted to hold him every second, but she knew that was just unrealistic.

Nervously she marched down the stairs, hitting the security panel at the bottom.   “Yes?”

“It’s Justin.” She heard him say.

“Okay.”  She hit the button to open the gate.

Then she took in several deep breaths.  Slowly she made way through the foyer, stopping in front of the grand front entrance.   It was overdone, something her ex-husband was responsible for, with high vaulted ceilings and a very expensive, imported, crystal chandelier.  She hated it.

Practicing her meditating breaths, trying to stay calm, she rested her forehead against the solid oak entrance.  The breathing wasn’t working, she was still nervous as hell.  Part of her wanted to open the door and watch him pull up, simply because the anticipation was killing her.  She was praying to God that he was alone.  Once she knew for sure she’d feel better--hopefully.

Finally she heard the lull of his tires, then the engine cut, his door slam, the alarm chirp, and seconds after, his knock.  She took in three more deep breaths and slowly turned the handle. 

There he was--all by himself.  She gave a tight-lipped grin and opened the door completely, allowing him to step inside.   His eyes scanned the large-scaled entry way and she instantly felt herself explaining.  “I’m getting ready to remodel,” she announced curtly.

His eyes found her then.  “Just looks a little more flashy then I’d expected.”

“It’s my ex-husband’s taste, not mine.”

He gave a single nod and shrugged his hands into the front of his jean pockets.

“I thought we could sit in the kitchen.  I have fresh coffee if you’re interested.”  She didn’t wait for his response, she began heading toward the kitchen assuming he’d follow.

And she didn’t have to look back to know that he was.

She moved straight for the Sub Zero fridge--a nervous habit--and pulled out the creamer.   It didn’t matter what she was getting, she was simply trying to avoid him in every way possible. 

“Thanks, but I don’t really want any.”  She caught sight of him then as he slid into one of the tall, mahogany barstools that lined one side of the granite-topped island.  “From the way that you’re shaking, I doubt you really want any either.”

Deep breaths, she told herself.  Deep breaths.  “I’m sorry.  After what you said yesterday, I’m just a little nervous that you’re going to try and take my son away from me and, honestly, that scares the shit out of me.”  There.  She’d said it.  The truth.  Still, she didn’t feel any better.

“Cassie.  Can I call you that?” He didn’t wait for her to answer.  “Look, that is the last thing I want to do.  Okay?  Stop worrying.”

She felt the sting of tears and it was the last thing she wanted.  God forbid he see her tears.  She didn’t even know him.  But still she could feel it coming on and she wasn’t sure how to stop it.  “Can you excuse me for a second?” 

Justin noticed the glossiness in her dark brown eyes before she’d turned and rushed out of the room.  He wasn’t sure what he’d done to make her cry, but he thought he’d been behaving fairly well.  Still, he felt bad for making her upset.  But he also realized there was no way around it.  It was an upsetting situation, but it was one that he had not caused or asked for.

He certainly wasn’t going to let a relationship with his only son just slip out of his grasp.  Not now.  Not now that he knew.

He wanted to ask if he could see him, but he knew she needed to calm down first.  He just wanted to peek at him, just look at him again, almost like he needed to confirm that he was real.  He was such a beautiful little boy.  So completely him.  That little boy was his son and he just wanted to hold him and love him and do all the things that dads and sons do.  He couldn’t wait.

She stepped back into the kitchen a few minutes later and from what he could tell she’d managed to pull herself back together.  “I’m not trying to upset you,” he told her instantly as she made way across from him, standing firm ground on the opposite side of the counter.  “I understand this is hard for you, but please think about how hard this is for me.  All I’ve been able to think about is how I missed the first four years of my son’s life,” now he felt a little choked up himself, but it was something he’d learned to hide well, “And you have no idea how sad that is to me.  There’s nothing I can do to make up for it.”

He wasn’t trying to make her cry, but it was like his words turned the handle of the faucet as tears instantly dripped from her eyes.  She brought a hand up and wiped at the droplets incessantly.  “You do not have any idea the amount of guilt I feel for that,” she said, shaking her head as her sight dropped down.  “Dammit.  I swore to myself I wouldn’t cry.”

“Funny.  I wouldn’t have thought the woman I met five years ago could cry.”

She only seemed more irritated at herself after what he’d said.  “I’m not as tough as I used to be,” she stated quietly.

“Well, neither am I, and I'm not trying to make your life more difficult.  I just want to get to know my son.  That’s it.”

Her head lifted, watery eyes focusing in on him, and he found himself studying her for just a moment.  Her dark hair was still rather long, only it was pulled back neatly at the nape of her neck, long bangs swooped to one side and tucked behind her right ear.  Her face was thinner than he remembered and shadows lingered underneath her eyes--something he was sure she’d tried to cover with make-up.  Of course, he knew all the tricks and just how to spot them.  He was a pro at covering up.  But even so, she was still beautiful.  Right now she was just a gorgeous woman in one hell of a lot of pain.

He couldn’t imagine someone who could relate better than himself.

“I’m really sorry for breaking down like this.  I don’t even know you and here I am balling.  I feel like such an idiot.”

Something unparalleled drew out his hand and touched it to hers.  “Please.  First of all, don’t apologize.  I understand that you are going through a lot right now.  Maybe you haven’t heard, but I haven’t exactly had the easiest few months myself.   And secondly, we do know each other.   Definitely not as well as we should, but we’re not total strangers.”  Close to it, but he was trying whatever he could to make her feel better.

She wiped away the last trace of her tears.  “So you want to see his baby pictures?”

Justin felt himself grinning as wide as possible, the biggest he’d managed in months.  “Yes.”

Forty-five minutes later they’d made it through the first six months of Cody’s life.  Cassidy hated herself for what she’d done.  He was obviously hurt over missing out on those four years, but she had honestly felt it was the right thing to do at the time.  She couldn’t imagine how her life would have played out if it would have been different.

Maybe if she would have called like he’d wanted her to, so long ago…

“Cody’s going to be waking up soon.  I’m not sure what to tell him yet,” she spoke up out of the blue, drawing Justin’s attention away from Cody’s first Christmas. 

“My attorney’s tell me that I need to have a test done.”  He said it quietly, as if he felt bad for mentioning such a thing. 

“A paternity test.  Yes, I agree.”

“There’s no question, right?  He’s mine?”

Sadly enough for her sex life at the time, Cody was definitely his.  “I’m one hundred percent positive.”

“I would hate to think-- It's just, I already feel myself getting attached.”

She grinned softly, understandingly, and this time it was her that reached out to touch him.  “You were the only one for months.”

“Oh,” he stated, his voice still soft.  “Can I just ask?  You had said you were on the pill.  You weren’t?”

“I lied,” she answered simply.

“I see.”

“What were the chances?  It was only once--once without a condom, anyway.”

A tiny grin played at his lips.  “Well, that’s always good for the ego.”  For the first time since she’d found him kneeling in front of her son the day before, she was reminded of what it was that had attracted her to him so many years ago. 

He still had it.

But she made sure not to draw attention to it.  “So back to what we should tell him.”  She didn’t even realize she’d used the word “we”.   “Maybe it would be best to wait until after the test.  In the meantime, we’ll just tell him that you and I are friends.”

He nodded, accepting the idea.  “Are we friends, then?”

“I think we’re going to have to be.  We have a child together.  We’re stuck dealing with each other for the rest of our lives.”

It was then that Cassidy heard the shuffle of little feet padding down the hard, oak staircase.  “Mommy?” his tiny voice called out.

“Down here, sweetheart.  In the family room.”

Justin’s heart melted instantly as he watched his little boy maneuver his way down the curving staircase, one hand carefully gripping the banister as he took slow, cautious steps.  He was absolutely the most adorable thing Justin had ever seen--decked out in Gap for kids judging from the logo on his shirt--dark denim and a dark blue long-sleeved tee.  Nike tennis shoes adorned his feet.

This was a kid after his own heart.  He couldn’t wait to take him shopping.

“What’s he into?” Justin heard himself asking, quickly.

“Basketball and dinosaurs.”

“Well, he’s gotta be mine, then,” he muttered under his breath before Cody came into earshot.  Suddenly he was wishing he’d come with a gift.  “I should have brought him something.”

She shook her head no as Cody finagled his way into her arms.  She squeezed him tight, but her eyes didn’t leave Justin for a second.  “What you’re going to give him is much better than a gift.”

For some reason, hearing that brightened up his day more than anything yet. 

“Cody, do you remember mommy’s friend Justin?  He met you at the basketball game yesterday.”  The boy nodded shyly and gave Justin his attention even though he was still hanging on to his mommy.  “Justin is a very nice man and we’re going to be seeing a lot more of him, okay?”

“Like Jason?” the boy asked.

The flash of pain in her eyes didn’t go unnoticed.  “No.  Not like Jason.   Better.”

Justin wasn’t sure why, but it gave him a great deal of satisfaction to learn that his boy didn’t call another man daddy, even if that man had married his son’s mom.  Fact was, he’d met Jason Brown on a few occasions and he was a top-rate asshole.  Someday, when he and Cassidy felt a little more comfortable with each other, he was going to ask her why in the hell she’d married him.

“Do you like Tarzan?” Cody asked, easing away from Cassidy and sinking into his own space on the couch between where they sat.  Justin wondered if the boy even realized there were pictures of him laid out on the coffee table.

With a nod, he told him, “of course.”  As if he would be crazy not to.

“He means the movie.  He loves the Disney movie,” Cassidy explained.

Justin nodded his head with understanding, grinning with fascination.  He was a having a conversation with his son!

“You wanna watch it?” Cody was already sliding off the sofa, while still keeping his pretty blue eyes on Justin.  His mother raked her fingers through his short, matted curls before the boy could slip away.

“Sure,” Justin answered cheerily.

And without another word, Cody walked across the room to the wall of built-in cabinets, opened one and turned on what Justin was guessing the DVD player as he watched him open the video case and put a disc in it, then he grabbed a rather large remote--probably touch screen--and marched back to the sofa.  He climbed back onto the cushion and perched himself comfortably between Cassidy and Justin, his feet dangling just off the front of the deep cushioned couch. 

Cody was smart and Justin was smiling even bigger now.

“Here mommy.”  Cody handed the technical device to his mother.

“The remote’s a little more complicated,” Cassidy explained with a smirk as she programmed it to turn on the plasma TV and start the movie.

“Yeah, I’ve got something similar at home.  He puts the movie in all by himself, though, that’s pretty smart.”

Now Cassidy was smiling, ruffling the boy’s hair one more time and looking straight towards Justin.  “He’s very smart.  And can I just say thank you for the curls?  I love them.”   Her grin turned whimsical as she'd said it.  Then she leaned in and kissed the boy’s temple.

“Yeah…” Justin drew it out.  “He’ll learn to hate them later.  Trust me.”

© BrandyRae 2005