Part II Chapter 29

“Now how about I be the last voice you hear tonight?  And every other night for the rest of the nights that there are…  And every morning I just wanna see you staring back at me… 'Cause I know that's a good place to start…”

“I know people make promises all the time… Then they turn right around and break them… Then someone cuts your heart open with a knife… Now you're bleeding… Don't you know that I could be that guy to heal it over time… And I won't stop until you believe it… Cause baby you're worth it…”

Cassidy stood there in awe watching Justin in the studio booth behind the glass window.  In front of her, sitting at the controls, were Timbaland and Mike, both she had met just recently.  But today… today was the first time she’d actually visited Justin in the studio and watched him in action.  Cody was perched halfway in a chair beside her, feeling just as awed as she was.  She could tell by the giddy look on his face.  More and more the little boy was learning how special his Daddy truly was.

Cassidy was learning that too.

“So don’t act like it’s a bad thing to fall in love with me… Cause you might fuck around and find your dreams come true with me… Spend all your time and your money just to find out that my love was free… So don’t act like it’s a bad thing to fall in love with me, meeee… It’s not a bad thing to fall in love with me, meee….”

She couldn’t help but wonder if the song was about her as he went into the chorus.  Her heart was swelling inside of her chest, but it was more than that.  She felt proud… proud that he was hers.  And she felt admiration of his incredible talent.  If it was possible to be even more smitten with him, she was.  It seemed like that just kept happening over and over again.

He finally stopped, looking up from the mic and catching her stare.  The grin that eased over his stubbled jaw immediately spread up to his eyes.  It was sincere and heartwarming.  His eyes said it all.

It was at that moment that Timb told him to take a break and a few seconds later he was stepping out of the booth, still smiling at her but heading straight toward their son.  

The other two men in the room started talking while Justin was ruffling Cody’s longer than usual, curly blond hair... something about the next take.  Cassidy could hardly concentrate on it, she was too consumed in the overwhelming rush of emotion that had surged upon her watching firsthand the charisma and talent that is Justin Timberlake.  

It really didn’t get any better than watching him work.  She was beginning to realize that, no matter what it was exactly that he was specifically working on.

Justin finally stepped up to Cassidy and kissed her cheek.  Leaning into her ear, he whispered, “sorry about the f-bomb in there.  Think he caught it?”

Honestly, she could care less at the moment.  She was about as far from mommy-mode as possible.  She shook her head no.

“You ok?” he asked, probably realizing her focus was a bit fuzzy.

This time she nodded.  “I’m fantastic,” she replied.

He smiled kind of giddy-like and said, “good.”  Then asked, "everything ready to go?"

She nodded again.  They were taking a red-eye to New York in just 8 hours.  Unfortunately Justin had studio time booked until time to head to the airport.  He was going to have to meet them there.  It was the first time they were traveling on a commercial flight together and Cassidy was a bit nervous about that.  They were in first class, of course, but still nervewracking.  

They were also taking their new Swedish nanny.  She was young--early to mid twenties--and hot, but Cassidy couldn't complain because she'd hired her.  She'd had the best qualifications and Cody had loved her instantly.  Gwen had only been part of the team for three weeks, but so far it'd been awesome having her on board.

And it would be especially great traveling with someone who could really care for Cody and allow Cassidy to spend that time with Justin.  He was performing at a charity event and she was beyond excited to see him on stage.  It would be her first time watching him live. If watching him in the studio was mesmerizing, she could only imagine how it would be seeing him in front of an audience.  She couldn't wait!

Watching him singing and dancing with Cody at home, being silly, would be nothing compared to what she was finally getting to see.  Of course, those moments were pretty priceless.  She couldn't argue that either.  Especially when they were in their pajamas, dancing and singing.  Cassidy cherished those times more than anything.  The bond she had watched grow between Justin and their son made her feel more emotion than she could have ever possibly imagined.

And those moments had been happening more often than not now that Cody had taken an interest in Justin's music.  Cassidy couldn't imagine her life anymore fulfilling than it had become over the last few months.

Life had become so full that thoughts of a career revamp fell to the backburner. Hard to believe when that's all she could think about for months, but she was just so darn happy she wanted to be around her family all the time.  Working would mean that she wouldn't and at the moment she couldn't stand the thought of being away from them.

She'd gone from daydreaming vehemently about returning to the work world to hoping that an opportunity wouldn't fall at her feet knowing if it did she couldn't turn it down.  She hadn't forgot about the run in with Jim Benson when they'd been in Mexico nearly two months earlier.  If ESPN came knocking on her door, it'd be extremely difficult to turn it down.  That was a decision she did not want to make.  Things had just changed in her heart and in her mind.  

That hardness that she'd held on to all of her life had slowly dissapated away.  Somewhere in between Christmas and New Years her priorities had shifted tremendously.  Maybe it was the way Cody's eyes lit up on Christmas morning, opening presents with not just her for a change, but with a father... a father who adored him and cherished him and perhaps spoiled him just a little too much.  Ok, who was she kidding?  A lot too much.

Once the shift happened internally it seemed to take on a life of its own inside of her.  The more she opened herself up and let herself truly feel all of the wonderful things happening the more those feelings consumed her.  Although she liked to think they consumed her in a positive way.  And as she began planning for Justin's birthday celebration at the end of the month, the excitement of her new life engulfed her even more.  

Justin was wiped out as he finally wrapped up for the day.  He knew he probably wouldn't sleep on the plane but he and Cassidy both had agreed a red-eye would be the easiest choice with Cody.  Especially since they were flying commercial.  He'd grown as much of his beard as possible and he knew how to shade his face pretty good with a hat, but somehow someone always recognized him. It was inevitable.  At least it was a nonstop fight.  They'd land in NYC just after 7 a.m., be ushered to the suite and their hotel, where he could finally get some sleep.  

He was meeting Cassidy, Cody and their staff in the First Class lounge at LAX.  He couldn't wait to see her.  His days had been long since he'd got back into the studio.  A lot of times she and Cody were both asleep by the time he got home. That fact often left him unsettled, which was odd to him.  He'd always preferred late hours while recording.  And as envigorated as he was to be back in the studio, he'd grown accustomed to being home with his family.  

Perhaps he'd taken too much time off.  He'd grown soft.  He'd turned into a family man and lost some of his work ethic, or feeling of it anyway.  But he was figuring it out.  This is what he'd wanted for longer than he could remember.  He just had to figure out how to balance it all.  He was doing his damdest to try.

Justin had always been a workaholic.  You don't get to the top of your game without putting in a lot of blood, sweat and tears.  Thankfully Cassidy seemed to understand.  She was extremely accomodating to his schedule.  That's the only reason why things were working out so well.  

As far as the mental battle going on inside his head, he kept that to himself.  Although, it did have a tendancy to come out in his writing.

When he finally met up with everyone at the airport--after a grueling escort by his security team--he was both exhausted and relieved.  He felt like collapsing into the chair next to Cassidy, but instead he sat calmly, leaning in to kiss her cheek.  Cody was asking questions about the airplanes viewable through the big glass windows overlooking the tarmac.  He could tell by the look on her face that she was just as exhausted as he was.  Her eyes screamed at him: Please save me...quick! 

And he found himself doing just that.  "Come here, Code..." he beckoned to his little boy, shortening his name to one syllable.  

"Yes Daddy?"  the cherub looking almost 5 year old looked up at him with crisp and curious blue eyes.

Justin summoned him with a tilt of his head and a lift of his eyes.  Cody practically pranced over to the bigger man.  Without a word, Justin reached down and scooped up all 42 pounds of him.  "Hop on," he said, and lifted him up to his shoulders.  Cody's hands clasped around Justin's neck.  "Let's get a closer look," he said, and moved towards the windows.

When they were close enough, Cody reached a hand out and touched the cool glass.  "Daddy?" 

"Yes, son?"

"I like airplanes."  Cody remarked cooly.

"Me too," Justin replied, both hands gently gripping the boy's little thighs.  Cody shifted and grabbed on to Justin's hat.  "Daddy has been on a LOT of airplanes," Justin continued.

"How many?" the boy immediatedly asked.

"Thousands..."

Cody gasped, in awe. "Thousands?" 

"Yep."

"Why?" he asked, his hand moving from Justin's hat and back to the side of his neck. His hand was just a tad sticky, like maybe he'd spilled some juice out of his cup and the residue was left on his fingers.  Not exactly uncommon for a little boy.  Oddly, Justin didn't mind the feeling in the slightest bit. 

The front of Cody's warm tummy pressed into the back of Justin's head. "Daddy has to go all different places for work," Justin explained.  "All over the world..." he elaborated further.

"All over the world?" Cody repeated questioningly.  "Mommy said that when I was a baby we flew all the way to Nebraska."

Justin immediately found himself thinking of why Cassidy was in Nebraska, of all places, when Cody was a baby.  

"And also to New O'leans and to At Lanta," the boy continued.

Atlanta brought on Justin's own memories of Cassidy--very hot, intimate memories.  He supressed those memories quickly as well as the smile that came with them.  He focused instead on Cody's pronunciation.  "Atlanta," Justin repeated the word correctly for him.

"Atlanta," Cody repeated with a much better attempt.

"That's a lot of places to visit when you're a baby," Justin said, noticing Cassidy's reflection in the glass window.  She was watching them, which made him all warm and fuzzy inside.

"uh huh" Cody agreed quickly. "Mommy said I was the best baby ever on the airplanes."

An unexpected ache shot through Justin's heart as it so often did when he let thoughts of the years he missed with Cody enter his mind. He didn't want to miss any other moments of his son growing up. He'd make sure that never happened one way or another.  He was determined.  And when Justin Timberlake was determined he did not back down for anything.

Cassidy found herself gazing blankly across the aisle as Cody slept with his head on a pillow next to Gwen. It felt wrong. He was just right across the row--an arms reach if not less--but still she realized that she hadn't gotten as used to him having a nanny as she'd thought. 

The plane had been in the air for nearly an hour. She couldn't imagine that she'd be sleeping anytime soon. It just felt too weird. 

It was at that moment she felt the warmth of Justin's hand, his fingers sliding in between hers. "Can we make a pact?" He was leaning into her ear and the warmth of his breath heated her from the inside out.  It was hard not to think of how it felt on other parts of her body...

But the nature of his question quickly shook her out of her own thoughts. "Like what?"

"To never be away from each other for more than a week or two. Please? It's important to me."

Her brow must've furrowed in confusion. Where did this come from?  

"I don't want to miss anything," he finally revealed in a whisper. Cassidy understood how much this meant. There was almost a pleading in his tone and his blue eyes were dark and serious. 

But she also knew that agreeing to such a pact opened up room for heartache and disappointment, on both ends. 

Tenderly she pressed her mouth to his neatly groomed stubble before speaking.  "Justin, I don't want to spend a day away from you, much less a week, or even worse, two, but I also don't want to commit to a pact that will most likely be broken at some point.  I don't see how we can avoid it with your work schedule."

His chin fell and she knew that her words were not what he wanted to hear.

"It's ok..." she immediately felt the need to explain herself.  "I understand that your career may take you away from us and trust me when I say that Cody and I will be waiting for you when you get back... no matter what."  She felt in her heart that she could say that in all honesty.  God forbid, even if something happened between the two of them, she would always make sure Cody maintained a strong relationship with his father. She'd never make that mistake again.

His expression sobered even more as his dark hooded eyes bore into hers with an all-knowing seriousness.  "My heart aches everytime I think about what I've already missed.  I can't stand thinking about missing anything else."

It was as if a knife had been plunged deep into her chest.  His hurt pained her more than anyone else's pain ever had.  It was a deep, sweltering feeling. The guilt that accompanied those feelings would never subside.  She was sure of it.  

Instantly she collapsed into his side, trying to hold him as best she could with the barrier of the arm rest of their first class seats between them.  "Justin. I promise, with everything, that I will not let you miss anything else.  That I promise you.  No matter what happens between us.  I promise."

"Cass," he whispered, "people in my business miss things all the time... ALL the time."

"I know, sweetheart.  But you will not miss anymore of Cody's life.  I will make sure of it."

"It's not just that..." his voice was so quiet she could barely hear him.  She wondered if it was because they were on a public airplane or because the words were hard to get out.  "I hate that I missed being there for you..."

"That's not your fault. That's my fault."

His expression was sobering as his eyes met hers again. "I'm not saying it's your fault or my fault. All I'm saying is that I hate that I missed sharing that with you."

It was hard not to let her mind wander about the what might have been's if he had been a part of her life during her pregnancy. Visions of him rubbing her round belly and feeding her Ben and Jerry's Cherry Garcia ice cream (her biggest craving) while cuddling on the sofa together sped through her mind. But she shook it quickly. The what might have been's were probably far off from the what would have been's.  And before she could stop herself, her mouth opened and the words "we could always try for a repeat" came out. 

A repeat?

She watched with fascination as his serious expression turned to sexy playfulness, his neatly groomed brow rising with intrigue, his forehead creasing in response. "I would like that," he smoothed his warm palm over the top of her hand and then up her forearm. "But you know my feelings on us already."

She did. He'd made it very clear that he wanted to be with her and that he wanted it to be in a formal and official capacity. 

"We probably shouldn't wait too long to give Cody a brother or sister. He's almost 5 already."

"Can you imagine me going on tour with you 7 or 8 months pregnant?" She whispered the question, hardly believing she was voicing the thought out loud. 

"Yes," came his immediate and confident response. "We'd have every luxury at our disposal and I'd bring a whole medical team with us if necessary."  Cassidy was grinning at the thought. But Justin didn't see it. He'd leaned in to press his lips against her head. "I love you," he told her softly.  "Let's try and get some rest."

They did. And she tried. Finally managing to fall asleep some 45 minutes later, visions of her pregnant on a tour bus floating through her head. 

Cassidy woke up when the cabin lights came on. The plan was prepping for landing. She felt Justin stretching in his seat beside her as she glanced Cody's direction. He was awake, gripping his blue and green dinosaur blanket, sitting sleepily but upright in his seat. "You ok, buddy?" She called over to him quietly. 

He answered with a groggy "yes."  

We'll be in our hotel soon and you can go back to sleep."

"Ok mommy"

"He did well," Gwen was remarking quietly. Cassidy nodded--sort of a thank you--then straightened herself. 

"Were you able to get some sleep?" Justin asked. 

"A little. Off and on."

"Me too. We'll be the first to get off so be ready."

She nodded in compliance. 

Twenty minutes later they were off the plane and rushed quickly through the airport. A limo was waiting for them outside as security retrieved their luggage. Cody cuddled sideways on Cassidy's lap while they waited, the little boys legs were stretched across Justin's lap and he and Cassidy sat thigh to thigh. He was almost back to sleep.

"Just a few more minutes" Justin was saying. Cassidy tenderly stroked her fingers through Cody's curls as Justin leaned in to kiss the boys temple. 

Thoughts of pregnancy danced through her mind again. She wanted to give Justin another baby. She wanted to have the full experience with him. 

Her decision was made. She was stopping her birth control immediately.