Chapter 7

            I stood in the kitchen with my Mother, cooking dinner in absolute silence. Okay, I was exaggerating. I had the stereo playing in the kitchen and “It’s Been Awhile” by Staind played loudly. I could tell that my Mom was a bit annoyed that I had kept playing this song over and over. She didn’t realize that it was my therapy or my anti-therapy; I wasn’t too clear on that. All I knew was that listening to the song described my situation with Justin perfectly.

            Justin had taken the kids out for the afternoon and I was pretty nervous about that. I mean, he was still relatively dangerous, so I wasn’t sure if he could be trusted to keep them safe. I shuddered at the thought of my children getting caught in a crossfire.

            “Natalia, estas bien?” Isabel asked as she sliced through a green pepper. I tapped my fingers along the granite countertop and nodded my head silently. This didn’t convince my Mother. I was too quiet for her liking that day. “Are you upset that he’s back?”

            I nursed my bottom lip between my teeth. It didn’t take a rocket scientist to understand my pain. Justin had always been the source of my pain. I mean, before him the only pain I really had came from my estranged father.

            “What do you think?” I rolled my eyes and walked to the closet to get a small bottle of cumin. I was never really so snippy with her, but Justin made me on edge. I didn’t like being such a cold bitch, honestly. Rudeness was not in my nature. I mean, I may have been sarcastic but being downright mean to people was not something I was proud of doing. But with Justin around, a lot of things became like a defense mechanism for me. My cold demeanor was just one of those.

            “I understand that you’re upset, but I am your Mother and I deserve respect,” Isabel’s serious tone made me sigh. I’d usually laugh at her when she tried to speak English. Her accent was so deep and her words just came out all wrong. It was hard not to find my Mom adorable yet terrifying.

            “I’m sorry,” I said and placed the bottle of cumin on the table. “I don’t mean to be a bitch right now… I’m just concerned… as any mother would be…”

            “Oh it’s much more than that…” Ricky’s voice echoed through my kitchen. I flinched as my best friend came into the kitchen and placed a hand on my shoulder.

            This was not fair! Two against one was just cruel, especially when Justin was in the mix. It was no secret that both Ricky and my Mom were on Team Justin. It bothered me that they would rather me with a dangerous killer rather than a sweet and normal guy like Alex. Did they think that all I was worthy of was someone like Justin?

            No, that couldn’t be the case. I knew the answer anyway. They didn’t like the constant cheating and they certainly didn’t like that I approved of it. Sometimes I didn’t even like that I approved of it. I knew it was all disgusting and the first time Ricky found out about the agreement, I was embarrassed. There had been a story in the paper about Alex and a stripper. There were even pictures of them together. I’d never looked at the pictures, I just knew that they existed.

            Ricky was ready to beat the snot out of Alex when he found out. It left me no choice but to open up to him. That was certainly one conversation that I’d love to forget. The horrified look on my best friend’s face made me want to cry.

I snapped back to reality and laid my head on the countertop, ignoring Ricky’s laughter. That bastard. If it wasn’t fucked up, I’d kick him where the sun didn’t shine. Too bad Ricky informed me about how mean that was to do to a guy. Still, he was starting to kind of deserve that.

            “Do we really need to talk about this?”

            “Yes, but it can wait till later,” Ricky said cheekily. He walked up to the big pot that my Mom was cooking and stuck a fork in to taste the seasoned rice. She immediately smacked him over the head with a wooden spoon causing him to drop the fork into the pot. “Ouch! Sorry!”

            I giggled at Ricky and then rolled my eyes, “That’s what you get. Karma is a great thing.” My mom started to rush at me with the wooden spoon and I backed up wide eyed. “Be nice to your only daughter!”

            Isabel sent me an evil glare before turning back to her cooking. I stuck out my tongue at her when she wasn’t looking. Ricky giggled at my silliness. Sometimes silliness was essential in life. It was a distraction from everything. Most importantly, it helped me breath. Sometimes, I’d just get so overwhelmed that I needed that laughter to calm me.

            Maybe I was just starting to lose my mind… Not like that hasn’t happened before.

            “Are you okay?” Ricky asked me finally. My Mom was too busy cooking to listen. I was thankful for that. It was enough that I had one pro-Justin person interrogating me.

            “Other than the fact that Justin walked in on me and Alex fucking and that Nikolas hates the idea of Justin as his biological Dad… sure.”

            “Not cool.”

            “You’re telling me,” I said and rubbed the bridge of my nose with my index finger and thumb. “I just don’t know how to feel about any of this. I feel like this was sprung on me so quickly that I didn’t get time to come to terms with it.”

            “But isn’t that true? You really didn’t get a chance to deal with anything…” Ricky replied. He walked over to me slowly and placed a hand on my shoulder. I jumped up at the sudden contact. “Jumpy much?”

            “You know that if you were in my shoes, you’d do a lot more than jump.”

            “This is true.”

            It became quiet for a moment. I sighed and walked to the island in my kitchen and plopped down on the bar stool. Ricky followed my movements and sat next to me. He neatly folded his hands together on the grey granite counter. He seemed ready to throw another question at me and honestly, I didn’t know how well I could hold up with the questioning. I just wanted to pretend that these things weren’t happening.

            I should have realized that I couldn’t run from my problems. They always had a way of sneaking up on me.

            “Nat… what’s really bothering you about his return?” Ricky’s words made me look up at him like he had ten heads. He shook his head before I could respond. “I mean, your way too paranoid about this… it’s like you’re worried about much more than the obvious.”

            “Since you have all the answers in the world, enlighten me with your insight,” I said sharply. “Explain how I’m worried more than just the safety of me and my children.”

            “Be fucking serious, Nat. You know that you’re worried about your ability to stay loyal to Alex.”  

            WHAT? This was the second time today that someone had mentioned the possibility of me cheating on Alex with Justin. Alex himself had mentioned it to me that morning and now Ricky had crossed that line? I was way passed horrified, especially because the thought was stuck in my mind as well. As hard as I tried to fight the images of Justin’s hands on my skin, they came back with a vengeance. Torturing me in every way possible.

            I would NOT go down that road again. I didn’t care if it was allowed by Alex. Justin was a danger to me and not only because he was in the mafia. I lost control of myself when he was in my life. I couldn’t afford to do that now. My career was at stake, our twins would suffer, and Alex was at stake. Regardless if it was allowed, I wouldn’t jeopardize my relationship with him for anything or anyone.

            “No I’m not…” I stuttered out. “Besides… that’s not an issue.”

            “Why is it not an issue?”

            “Because… Alex gave me permission,” I cringed as the words came out of my mouth. They sounded wrong and dirty. “But I would never do that to him. I love Alex way too much to put him through that.”

            And then, Ricky shocked me. The asshole burst out laughing. I was expecting him to be horrified by my comments. Why the fuck wasn’t he horrified when I was? I looked up at him as he shook back and forth, red faced. That asshole was not supposed to be laughing!

            “What is so fucking funny?!”

            ”I just know you so well, that’s all,” My gay best friend grinned widely at me. “You don’t trust yourself with Justin.”

            “I trust myself! I just don’t think I have to sleep with him. It’s not like I even want to anyway,” I lied and tried to sound as convincing as I could. Ricky just eyed me suspiciously. I shifted uncomfortably under his gaze. I wanted more than anything for this conversation to just end.

            I was a different person than I was years back. Justin didn’t control my life like he used to and my world most certainly didn’t revolve around him anymore. We were two extremely different people now and it was all for the best. We just didn’t belong together. It was always quite obvious that we were from different universes. In the past, none of that really mattered. Now, as I was older and more aware of danger, it truly became an issue. I had to be responsible, not only for myself, but for my family.

            I quickly stood up, trying to busy myself from the plaguing thoughts. Thoughts like these were supposed to have been in my mind three years ago, not when I was starting a new life with a wonderful man.

The table was set in a matter of minutes. Eight place settings filled my table up to capacity. I bit my lip knowingly. This was going to be a very awkward dinner. Ricky, Isabel, Justin and Andrew, who would be arriving soon, would all make sure of that. I fought the urge to tell Alex not to come home. If anything, I needed him here more than anything.

He just needed to keep reminding me about how wonderful our life would be. One great big fairytale. One that every girl dreamed of. One that I would have to become accustomed to.

**

            “Well hello hello,” Andrew’s voice echoed through my front hall. I was in the middle of putting down a plate of sliced Italian bread when my brother came barging into the kitchen. I shook my head with laughter waiting to spill from my lips. “The minute I heard Mami was cooking, I came running over. My silly old lady never cooks anymore.” Andrew grinned and patted our Mom on the head. She quickly swatted away his hand, threateningly waving the wooden spoon at him. “So what’s the occasion?”

            “You don’t know?” I asked, the shock evident in my voice. “I thought big mouth would have told you.” I nodded in my Mom’s direction. She mumbled a curse under her breath and I stifled a giggle.

            “The gossip queen didn’t tell me anything. That’s surprising,” He threw a glance at my Mom and shook his head. Isabel was too busy ignoring us now to really care what we were saying. I think she might have even been insulted. Oh well. It happens. “Spill please. Are we meeting her new boyfriend or something?” Andrew shot a devious grin at my Mom.

            Ricky laughed loudly at this altercation from the other side of the room. I was usually all up for teasing my Mom but this was serious. Justin was walking into the picture again and I wasn’t quite sure how Andrew would react. I mean, damnit, those two tried to kill each other. I wasn’t sure if their last moments of peaceful behavior counted as a reconciliation.

            A roaring engine in my driveway caused me to chew on my bottom lip with anxiety. That didn’t sound like Alex’s car at all. That was probably Justin’s very loud and very flashy car. I took a deep breath in and looked over at my brother who was still teasing my Mother. She was doing her best to pretend like she hated it. I knew that she loved the attention. She just loved spending time with me and Andrew. It was like making up for lost time.

            “So is anyone going to tell me what the big secret is?”

            “You’re about to find out,” I said softly.

            I didn’t even have time to exhale. My front door flew open and the padding of four little feet and laughter, told me what I already knew. My children were home and Justin was with them. Now was the inevitable moment.

            “MOM!” The two little voices sang in union. I couldn’t help but smile, despite the anxiety of the situation. I dropped to my knees as my twins came barreling into the room. I embraced them tightly. Probably a little too tightly. I was a paranoid mother, that was mainly because I was too much like my own mother. Certain characteristics are just genetic.

            I kissed the tops of both of their heads, laughing silently as they slipped out of my grasp. I climbed back to my feet, grinning as my two polite children went over and said hello to everyone. As hyper as they could be, I was glad that they were well mannered at the end of the day.

            “Uncle Andy!” Samantha called out enthusiastically. She flung herself into his arms, smiling as brightly as ever.

            Sam and Andy had a special relationship. Andy was one of the few blood relatives that we had they had that didn’t treat them like a mistake. The rest of my family made no secret in the fact that they thought I’d be better off without children. Thinking about it, I didn’t think it was the children they hated, but what they represented. Obviously that was the “love” Justin and I once shared.

            I knew that I was blamed for Eduardo’s disappearance. No one in my family really wanted to believe that he was just an asshole out for money. He was always described as such a “good and decent man who was corrupted when he tried to save me”. That was all such bullshit. It was his fault I got kidnapped in the first place. How dare his family even try to justify his actions?

            I didn’t consider them my family. Not anymore. Not after the way my children were treated by them. I was nice because I had to be, for my Mother. If I could act without hurting my Mom, I’d probably tell them all off. But that was something I had to keep inside.

            “Hey peanut,” Andrew laughed, embracing his tiny niece. “I got you a present… I didn’t see you so I was going to go return it!” He grinned at Samantha who stared at him wideeyed. Nikolas ran over at the mention of present.

            “Do I get one too?” Nikolas asked hopefully.

            “Of course…”

            “Wait…” I interviened with my arms crossed over my chest. “I know that the both of your bedrooms aren’t clean. When they are clean, you can get whatever gift Uncle Andy has for you.” I ignored the cute sighs coming from my children and looked over at Andrew.

            “You seriously are a cruel mother.”

            I shook my head, laughing as the twins ran upstairs to clean their rooms. I hadn’t noticed Justin standing in the foyer, just watching us all interact. Our eyes locked and my heart began to pound in my chest. One glance from him and one slight smile was all it took to put me on edge.

            When I looked at him sometimes, I was only reminded of the good moments. As I stared at him presently, my mind tortured me with memories of our past. I could never say that Justin and I had a terrible marriage. We had a lot of beautiful memories together and a lot of happiness. We had two beautiful children to show for 3 years of marriage. I was grateful for that part. I’d never regret my twins. They were the most beautiful things I had ever done.

            “Hey…” I said awkwardly. Justin meekly smiled at me and took a few steps forward. I was afraid to look over and see Andrew’s reaction. I mean, the whole situation with those two was beyond fucked up.

            Andrew had tried to kill Justin and almost succeeded. That memory of finding Justin, lying bloody and half dead on the ground would haunt me forever. The worst part of it all was that it was my fault. I had caused the hatred for Justin. If only I would have tried to make things better, maybe my life would have been different… easier.

            “Whoa…what the hell is going on?” I took a deep breath in and looked over at my brother whose eyebrow was raised. “Is this the big secret?”

            “Yes,” I said quietly. Andrew looked up at me, almost fuming. Taking hold of my arm, he looked over at my Mom and completely avoided Justin’s gaze.

            “We’ll be back in a second.”

            Andrew dragged me into the formal living room and turned on the television loudly, I’m assuming, to block out our voices. My house was big and there were no dividing doors, just big archways. It was easy for noise to travel, so having the TV on during a private conversation was a necessity.

            I bit my freshly manicured nails, chipping the red nail polish off. My guard was up already and I wasn’t sure why. I didn’t need to be defensive because having Justin in my house was not my choice. This was all thrust upon me so abruptly. I didn’t even have a chance to react. I mean, fuck, it hadn’t even been a full 24 hours since he showed up in my living room! My mind was still trying to process everything.

            “Why the fuck is he in your house Natalia? Are you getting back together with him or something? Why is he out of jail?” Andrew eyed me with a look of betrayal. I closed my eyes and tried to run away from his saddened gaze. His voice was dripping with accusation. I just couldn’t hide from it. “What about Alex? What about everything that happened? He helped tear our family apart, Nat. You can’t do this.”

            “He has a right to see his children, Andrew,” I shot back as I stared at the wood floor. I couldn’t bear to look at Andrew. Not when he was so angry and so hurt with me. “We aren’t back together… you need to stop being ridiculous.”

            “I don’t trust him Nat… he’s a danger to all of us,” Andrew bit his lip. “Him around is only going to bring all that shit back. The drama we left behind.”

            “Do you think I really trust him either?” I laughed dryly. “I have no fucking choice in the matter. With or without Justin here, I’m in danger and so are the twins.” My mouth was suddenly dry as a desert. I felt like I had drunk a glass filled with sand. I was certain that my nerves were making me feel this way, though I wasn’t completely sure why I was nervous. “There was a car accident recently. I was hit by two cars at 2am and stranded on the side of the highway. Apparently it was a message from someone I made very angry. That person is back to seek vengeance on me and the twins, so Justin got out of jail to protect us.”

            My brother blinked a few times, staring at me blankly for the first couple of seconds. I was sure I sounded like a mad woman to him. Maybe that mad woman thing wasn’t too far from the truth.

            “Are you fucking with me right now?”

            I rolled my eyes at my brother, “No.”

            “Okay, I understand the protection part, but why the fuck does he have to be in the house? Can’t he hire guards to take care of you guys and then stay away?” My doctor brother shook his head wildly. He seemed almost infuriated by the truth. “I will not allow you or the twins to be in any danger.”

            “That is out of both of our hands,” I replied back quickly. Andrew and I stood silent, our arms crossed, mirroring each other’s stances. Completely awkward would sum up that situation nicely.

            “I don’t like this.”

            “And you think I do?”

            There was silence now. The only sound in the room was the VH1 playing “I Love Money”. I could have smirked at the sight of Mr. Boston in a Speedo, but I didn’t. This was no time for laughter. Not when I knew that my brother was right. Justin had no place in my home or in my life. He  was a constant danger to me and my family from the minute he kidnapped me. The worst part of all was that there was nothing I could do. Justin had to stay around because even without him around, I wasn’t safe.

            Fuck. This really was all his fault.

            “So he’s staying here? What’s the deal?”

            “He’s staying here until this is resolved.”

            Andrew scoffed, shaking his head from side to side, clearly not happy about any of this. Did he really believe that he was the only one not happy? I truly wanted to slap my brother silly. I just had no patience for people who were moronic.

            “And Alex is okay with this?”

            I glowered at Andrew, “Yes, because he trusts me to do what’s right for the children and myself. Justin needs to be around because of that. Think about the twins, Andy. Think about something happening to them. I really don’t think I’d want to live anymore if something happened to my babies.”

            Andrew let the information sink in before he started to relax. He let out a sigh as his arms dropped to his sides.  I mirrored his movements, relaxing when he did. Things still didn’t really feel right, but at least my words were getting through to Andy.

            “So you just have to wait until it all blows over?”

            “Basically,” I responded somberly. “This isn’t my choice Andy, so you need to learn to not take all this crap out on me.”

            “I didn’t mean to… I just looked at him and my brain took a walk down memory lane. It wasn’t pretty,” He joked, a slight smile forming on his lips. “I just need you to promise me something.”

            “Okay…”

            “I know you and Justin have some weird history… and I know there were deep intense feelings… the thing that worries me is that you’re going to become blind to all his faults again. I don’t want to see you hurt again, Nat. You don’t realize it but you went through a lot when he went to prison. A year went by where I didn’t even recognize you. I don’t want to see you like that again… it was scary,” Andrew replied honestly.

            It was true; I became quite a mess when Justin went to prison. For a long time, I felt like my life was meaningless. I cried for months on end until I couldn’t cry anymore. I became numb inside. My marriage was over, the man I thought I could always count on had disappeared and I was dealing (rather not dealing) with my rape. I was a complete and utter mess for a while. I scared everyone around me.

            I was like a real life monster, only writing to my novel so I wouldn’t forget a single detail of what I had been through.

            When Alex walked into my life, I started to get better. I started to feel again, to become human. Alex was a savior to me in a lot of ways. He brought me back to life. Before he came around I was a pile of broken pieces. He was the glue that put me back together. I was never healed; I’d always be filled with scars courtesy of Justin but I was me again. Or someone that resembled me. I wasn’t sure if I could ever be the woman I used to be.

            “I don’t want to be like that again either…”

            I didn’t want to be that girl again; that person who was so completely dead inside and dead to the world. Now that I had finally gotten my life together, I didn’t want to step back in that state for a moment of trusting Justin. As much as I missed him, and I won’t lie and say I didn’t, I knew that he was no good for me. I had to do everything in my power to stay away from him.

            “I will never go back to Justin. Trust me on that,” I said and took my brother’s hands in mine. I looked up at his face that mirrored my father’s. Everything down to the complexion of his skin was identical to my Dad. It was almost frightening to see that. My own son was a clone image of his father; I now knew what it must have felt like for my Mother to see that every day. “This time around, I won’t be stupid. I’ll look out for all of our well beings. I swear. You just need to believe in me and in my judgments.”          

            “I’ll try…” Andrew sighed. “It’s just hard considering everything we’ve both been through…”

            “I can say the same thing. I mean, you lied to me for months and I found that you were just as dangerous as him. So let’s not pull out the danger card or bring up the past. We both made stupid mistakes that I thought we atoned for.” I probably should have stopped my statement there but my anger fueled me to continue. “I do find it funny though, how Justin was a great guy when he got you out of prison but now that he’s back and trying to protect his children and his ex-wife, you think of him as a monster again. How fucking convenient.”

            Andrew flared his nostrils at me and I fought the urge to laugh in his face. If he was trying to scare me then he wasn’t doing a good job. If anything he just looked silly; like some sort of cartoon character.

            “That isn’t true… Justin told me he wanted to do what was best for you. We tried to keep the peace because we just wanted that for you and the twins. It seems like he went back on his word.”

            “Yes, and didn’t you think you were doing what was best for me when you worked with the Lopez family? The same people who… who raped me,” I never pulled out the rape card. In fact, I never mentioned my rape. I usually went about like it had never happened.

            My brother winced at my words but I didn’t flinch. I was pretty proud of myself for not falling to pieces like I usually would. My strength was something I was holding on to as tightly as I could.

            “I never meant for that to happen…”

            “Shut up, Andrew, shut the fuck up and listen. Let Justin do what he has to do. Let him clean up this mess and just be civil. None of this will last very long anyway. So stay out of his way so he can leave sooner,” My hands were on my lips and I stared up at my 6 foot tall brother. Mentioning my rape to him had made him step back and feel terrible.

            He should feel terrible.

            “I’ll try,” He said quietly. His shoulders slumped down and he was defeated.

            This was one war I knew I could win. I wasn’t sure about the rest to come…