Today marks the halfway point. It was a week ago today that they came to take Ayden away and the sun has not come out since.  My heart has not worked properly since that day. Besides that, not much has changed, although I have made it back to my bed to sleep… or at least to lay down and look at the ceiling, I haven’t been able to sleep. My eyes may close, and I may loose consciousness for an hour or so, but even in my sleep I think of Ayden. Even when I’m sleeping, she permeates my dreams and I can still see her sad face screaming as she was being taken away. I wake up from each of these short spurts of unconsciousness in a cold sweat, with my stomach in knots. I pray it was just a nightmare, even though I know it’s not. At the beginning I thought it was, but now I’m sure it’s real, and my heart will forever be broken.  

            It sounds crazy, but sometimes at night when I can sleep, I feel like I can hear her crying. I can hear her screaming out for me because she can’t sleep either. Wherever is he, she can’t sleep either.

I fell like I could have done more. I could have somehow convinced them to leave her. Somehow they would have been able to understand that she’s too little to be put through situations like this. It’s not fair for her to be punished. She didn’t do anything wrong, it’s not fair that her parents are such screw-ups; it’s not her fault. I could have moved out for the two weeks with her. Forget about Justin, I would have made sure he didn’t see her if that’s what the court wanted. I would have kept her safe and away from her fears. But I didn’t. I know there had to be a way I could have but I didn’t. 

Now I need to spend every minute of my life figuring out how I can get her back. This time I will not just do what they say. I’m going to find a way. Somehow, I’m going to think of something no one else has thought of and get her back. I know that there has to be something I can do, I feel so helpless.

            I pulled a sweatshirt over my head, leaving the hood up, and ran to Justin’s house across the yard. It was dark inside, as if it were night, and strangely quiet. I turned the light on and saw a note on the refrigerator.

I went to breakfast with Johnny to discuss some things. Then I’ll go to the grocery store to get some food for the house.

Justin- Cut the grass! It’s up to my ankles and you don’t have to wait for the yard workers to get here.

Sari- sweetie, do something for you. There’s nothing more we can do but wait.

            How can I do something for myself? The only thing myself wants is to have Ayden back. I went upstairs to check on Justin because it was already eleven o’clock. I don’t know how I slept that late, although the fact that the sun hasn’t come out in a week might have something to do with it.

            Justin was still sleeping, on his back this time, with his arm over his head. That probably means he wasn’t too drunk when he went to sleep, that’s a good sign. He did seem to be in a good mood last night. He’s not worried anymore, he’s confident that he’s going to get her back. Personally, I think he might be a little overconfident.  I just hope he doesn’t stop trying so hard because he thinks it’s going to be easy.

            Maybe he didn’t even drink last night. That’s probably a stupid thought.

            “Justin,” I whispered. There is a good chance he’s already awake but he’s just pretending he’s not. I sat down on the bed next to him, “Justin, it’s like eleven o’clock, you wanted me to wake you up early. And your mother wants you to cut the grass before she gets back. If you don’t even start by the time she gets back she’s going to be upset.”

            I felt Justin’s arm around my waist and before I could do anything I was being pulled down on the bed, with Justin’s arm around me in a spooning position. I felt his warm breath by my ear “Calm down, you’re so stressed.”

            “What are you doing?” I tried to push him away but he’s much stronger than I am so I didn’t get very far.

            “I’m tired.”

            “That’s great, I’m not. Let go of me!”

            He chuckled in my ear, “You’re so stressed.”

            “Yeah I’m stressed, and you’re not helping.”

            Justin laughed again before whispering in my ear, “I can help.”

            “By letting me go? That would be a big help.”

            “Nah,” he answered softly and with one swoop I was on my back with Justin lying on top of me. He held himself with one hand and the other was at the waist of my sweatpants. He had that cocky smile on his face as he spoke, “Sex happens to be the number one stress reliever.”

            I rolled my eyes and slapped his hand away from my pants, “No, yoga happens to be the number one stress reliever.”

“OK,” he nodded his head, “Imagine what a good relief it would be if we put the two together.”

“No thanks, sex with you would give me more stress.”

            “I doubt it.  After sex with me you won’t even be able to think straight. Stress will be the last thing on your mind.”

            “Please,” I laughed, “I highly doubt that.”

            “It’s true. Let me prove it to you,” he smiled a crooked smile and slid his hand down my waist, starting to pull my sweatpants down.

            “No, you’re a creep, get off of me,” I slapped his hand away, “Seriously Justin, don’t make me kick you in the balls.”

            He didn’t move, so I kneed him in the balls. I warned him, it’s not like I was unfair and it was a surprise.  Justin laughed, but I did get him off me, “damn girl.”

            “Yeah, damn,” I stood up and walked to the door, “Mow the lawn Justin, ok? The lawn. And straighten your shit out.”

            How can he possibly be thinking about sex right now? Every time I think Justin is changing and he’s actually got his head in the right place he goes and does something stupid like that. I went downstairs and poured myself a cup off coffee and grabbed onto Justin’s laptop. There has to be something more I can do, there has to be a way that we can be sure to get her back.

            I heard Justin stomping down the stairs and took a deep breath; I almost wish he’d stay in his room forever. He laughed as he walked into the kitchen, going right to the refrigerator and grabbing a beer.

            I looked up at him and rolled my eyes before turning my attention back to the computer, “It’s eleven o’clock in the morning.”

            “It’s five o’clock somewhere,” he answered with a smile, “Why are you always looking up shit on the computer. Is that going to solve all our problems?” he sat down across the table from me and smirked.

            “I’m trying to get your daughter back. Unlike you, I haven’t slept since she’s been gone and I want her home.”

            “Fuck you,” he answered quickly, gazing at me, “why the fuck do you think I’ve been drinking? I can’t fucking sleep without it.”

            He silenced me with that comment, although that clearly isn’t the way to solve his problem. It’s a way to get more problems, that’s for sure.  But someone as dumb and uneducated as himself may get confuse.

            “Besides,” he continued, “There’s nothing else to do but wait. I got it under control.”

            “How do you have it under control?”

            He smirked again, waiting a few seconds to answer, “Drug test, easy as that, she’s obviously on shit.”

            I took a deep breath and continued searching. He’s no better himself, “And you think they won’t make you take one too?”

            Justin took another sip of beer before answering, “I’m clean.”

            My eyes automatically rolled and I didn’t even bother looking up from the screen this time. “J, I highly doubt all you’ve been doing is drinking up there.  Don’t tell me you haven’t been smoking up there too, I was just in your room.”

            He took a deep breath, “that’s fucking bullshit. She’s on hard shit.”

            “I doubt they care.”

            Justin stood up but this time he grabbed a cup of coffee instead of another beer.  Maybe he finally realized he’s not helping anything with the drinking. “That’s retarded, I never smoke in front of her.”

            “And I’m sure that will go over well with the judge,” I answered sarcastically, “then you’ll both lose custody.” They both lose custody. Could they both lose custody? I didn’t even think of that, I just though he would lose it and the crazy whore would get Ayden. There is no possible way anyone in their right mind would give that lady custody. But what if they don’t give it to Justin either?

            Could they do that? Then what would happen to her? She’d probably be in foster homes, passed around like a hot potato. Or she could be adopted… she could be adopted.

            I feel like everything is finally clicking in my head.

            “Hello? Are you in there Sari?” Justin asked with a chuckle.

            “Oh, sorry,” I didn’t know he was still talking, “What?”

            “You phased out there, I thought I lost ya for a second. How long does weed stay in your system?”

            “I don’t know, like 90 days?”

            Justin laughed and poured himself more coffee. I must say I’m impressed that he’s drinking coffee. “You don’t know, cause you’ve never smoked right?”

            “Right.”

            He laughed again, “Never in your life?” I shook my head, “Because you’re perfect.”

            “I guess so,” I answered with an eye roll.

            “Bullshit, I’m calling you out. Admit that you’ve smoked before.”

            “I haven’t.”

            “Sari…”

            “Justin,” I looked him in the eye, “I never have, I don’t like the smell.”

            “So you’ve smelt it?”

            “Yes,” I took a deep breath, “I’ve been around people who smoke, hell I’ve been working with you for how many years?”

            “Cute,” Justin laughed, “I still don’t believe you though, you must have at least tried it.”

            “No, I haven’t and I don’t care if you believe me or not. Can we focus on what’s important please?”    

            “Yeah, let’s focus on what’s important. Like what you’re making me for breakfast,” he smirked and threw a crumbled napkin at me.

 I’m too busy thinking to get mad, “What do you want?”

“How about an omelet. You do make the best omelets.”

“Yeah, thanks,” I answered softly as I grabbed some eggs, “Can you stop talking though? I’m trying to think.”

Justin chuckled and nodded his head, “Think away.”

He’s so annoying.  I’m confused about this whole situation. I need to find some answers. If Ayden gets taken away from Justin and the crazy girl whose name I forget doesn’t get her either, what happens to her? Could they possibly give her to someone else?  Like possibly someone that’s already in her life? Someone she already knows and is comfortable with? Or would they give her to a complete stranger? And if they did, would we be able to visit her or would we have to act like she never existed? I can’t deal with all this; it’s far too stressful.

“Quick question,” Justin broke my thoughts.

I took a deep breath, “What Justin?”

“Am I supposed to be shaking like this?” he held out his hand and it was trembling, like there’s something seriously wrong with him.

“Why are you shaking?”

“If I knew why I was shaking I wouldn’t be asking you genius.”

“Well… stop then.” He laughed at my solution; I guess he has reason too. It's obvious he can’t stop. I grabbed onto his arm and held it, trying to stop it.  It would not stop; in fact he made me shake. “Maybe you’re hungry, have you eaten or do you just drink?”

Justin rolled his eyes, clearly not enjoying how I mention his drinking. “Have you given me food?”

“Am I your cook?”

“That is part of the job description, yes.”

I shook my head and took the omelet out of the pan, “It’s probably just because you’re hungry, and in the last ten minutes you just had three cups of coffee. Chill with it.  You overdo everything.”

“Then the shaking will stop?” he asked seriously. It’s quite possibly he thinks I know everything, I don’t. I have no idea why he’s shaking and I sure as hell don’t know if eating will make it stop. I nodded my head, it better work. I can’t deal with anymore stressful situations. I’m one away from having a serious nervous breakdown myself.