This has been the longest week of my life. I just miss Ayden so much. There is no possible way I can make it another week. This is complete bullshit. How can they take a little girl away? I just don’t get it. It makes no sense.

            After I made Justin his omelet I went back to the guesthouse to make some phone calls. I have a lot of questions and I need someone to answer them before I drive myself crazy. Justin needs to take care of himself for a few minutes while I figure this shit out. I hope his mother comes back soon.

            My cell phone was sitting on the coffee table and I grabbed it and fell onto my couch.  Before taking a deep breath I dialed the number to Child Services and waited for what seemed like hours pressing buttons to get to an actual person to speak to.

            “Department of Child Services,” I finally got a person.

            “Hi um… I have some questions. If there’s a custody case and neither parent is found fit, would the child be put up for adoption?”

            “Yes ma’am, either adoption or foster home depending on the parent. We, of course, want the child to go back to a parent if at all possible. Different classes or visits with social workers can help give custody back to the parent.”

            “And if the child were put up for adoption would it be to a stranger or could a family member or friend step up at take custody?”

            “That all depends on the case. Some cases that is preferred so the child can still have a relationship with a parent, while others it is forbidden. It all depends on the parent, some cases the child has been taken away for abuse or other reasons and the parent is not allowed to have any part of the child’s life. Is there a specific case I can help you with?”

            I took a deep breath, “Yes.”

            “Well, I can give you more information if you give me specifics.”

            I ignored her offer; I obviously can’t give her more information. “If she’s put into foster care before the parent gets his act together is it possible for family or friends to still visit her?”

            “Ma’am I’m sorry, it really depends on the situation. I’d be happy to transfer you to someone that is working directly on your case if you give me the information.”

            “No,” I heard the door open, “Thank you,” I slammed the phone down quickly just as Justin walked into the room.

            “I’m seriously fucking shaking,” he held his arm out, it is shaking like crazy, “What the fuck is that smell?”

            I looked around the room; I don’t smell anything, “What is wrong with you?”

            “I don’t know, your house fucking smells.”

            “It does not,” I stood up and went to the cupboard and handed him some crackers, “Eat something, you’re freaking me out.”

            “I just ate, it’s not that.”

            “What about coffee? Have you had a lot of coffee?”

            “I had a cup, what the fuck is that smell?” his face is like disgusted by this smell. There is no smell. My nose isn’t stuffed up, I’m not sick, if my house stunk I would know it.

            “Maybe you should go lay down,” I suggested.

            He shook his head, “I can’t, the lawyers are coming.”

            “Not until later, I’ll wake you up. Go,” he’s acting like he just stopped taking drugs. Shit. “Justin, when’s the last time you had a drink?”

            He turned at the doorway, “I told you, I just had a cup of coffee.”

            “Like alcohol?”

            “Last night, I’m done.”

            I took a deep breath as my head fell back. “Why do you have to be a fucking alcoholic?”

            “Fuck you, I’m not an alcoholic.”

            “You’re having withdrawals Justin, that’s why you’re shaking and everything smells, and you’re sweaty.”

            “What you’re a professional now?”

            “And why you’re so moody,” I continued, “I went to school for this Justin, you forget that. You have a meeting with your lawyers and a court case in a few days and you’re having fucking withdrawals,” as if this whole situation could get any worse.

            “Well what the fuck? You want me to keep drinking?”

            Yeah, that’s a great idea dumbass. I really need to get Ayden away from him. “No, just go sleep and don’t think about drinking. I’ll go call your doctor and he can come see you and give you some pills or something.” I took a deep breath and continued softly, “Sorry I freaked out, I’m stressed. It’s good you stopped drinking, I’m proud of you. Don’t give in, all right? Call me if you need me.”

            “Where are you going?”

            “I have some errands to run, you’ll be ok right?” Justin nodded his head and walked back to his room. He is trying, that’s a plus. I just wish he could have got his act together a while ago and this whole thing would have never happened.

            I grabbed my things and followed Justin into his house. I watched him go upstairs before I raided his liquor chest and hid everything just incase he has a moment of weakness. This is going to be a very long and annoying few days.

            As I drove out of the driveway I made an appointment for Justin’s doctor to come to the house later on. Hopefully, it won’t interfere with his lawyers because that could cause even more problems. Everything is so hectic. I probably shouldn’t have left Justin alone but his mother will be there soon. I need to try to get this whole thing figured out.

            I parked my car in the parking lot at Child Services and took a deep breath before I was able to get out of the car. The truth is, I don’t really know how much I’m going to get accomplished here on my own. All I really want is to be able to see Ayden, at least to know she’s all right. I mean I’ll even take a phone call. It’s not fair that they take her and we’re completely cut off for a whole week. And we’re not even done yet. It’s bullshit.

            They recognized me as soon as I walked in and brought be to a conference room in the back. The two women closed the door behind me and sat down at the table. Nobody said anything, so I figured I’d be the one to speak first. “Um. Nobody knows that I’m here and I really hope it doesn’t hurt the case. I promise I’m not here to change your mind about anything; I just want to see Ayden. I don’t know what it is that you want me to do, but I’ll do anything. I just want to see her; I just want to hold her. Even if it’s only for a few minutes, I just want to tell her that I love her and I’m doing my best to get her back.” I wiped my eyes because I was crying once again.  “I’m sorry I’m crying, I’ve been crying nonstop for the past week. Please, let me see her? I won’t tell Justin or his mother, or anybody that I got to see her. Not even his lawyers. I’m not related, so it won’t be breaking any custody battle. I’ve just spent the past two years with her and I’ve never been away from her for even a day until you guys took her away. She’s like a daughter to me and my… my best friend and I really… please... please let me see her.”

            I had to stop because I was crying so bad it was hard for me to speak. “I know I’m not her mother, and it’s not that I’m trying to be. OK, so maybe I am a little but it’s just because she’s such an amazing little girl. And nobody appreciates it and like, she needs a mom. I know I’m young and I’ve never even like had a dog but with Ayden it’s just like easy. It’s like she’s my little soul mate and I need to see her. Please? I got a new book for her about bugs. She loves bugs and books and I bet they don’t have any for her where she is. And she forgot her teddy bear and she can’t sleep without him and I have it. And I need to give it to her. Please.”

            They looked at each other instead of answering me. I wiped my eyes on my sleeve and tried to pull myself together. I hope they don’t think I’m some crazy girl.

            “I’m going to need you to sign some paperwork first and then I’ll take you over. But I need to stay with you the whole time, you won’t have any alone time.”

            “Oh my god, thank you. Thank you so much,” my head fell into my hands and the tears kept flowing, “Thank you, really. You have no idea how much this means to me.”

            I’m probably not supposed to hug her but I did anyway. I want to buy her a house or something; I can’t believe I’m going to be able to see Ayden again. I signed all the paperwork quickly and followed the lady to her car.

            “I’m sorry, what was your name?” I asked as I tried to straighten myself out. I can’t stop crying.

            “Lauren Walters.”

            “Thank you so much Lauren, really this is like, unbelievable.”

            She smiled and drove through a neighborhood. A few minutes later she stopped in front of a large house. I don’t think it’s a house like people live here, there’s a parking lot instead of a driveway. People work here, she’s not with an actual family she’s like in an orphanage.

            “Don’t get her too excited,” Lauren spoke, “Make sure she knows she’s not coming home with you. You’ll see her soon, but don’t make promises you can’t keep.”

            I nodded my head but continued walking quickly into the house. There was a desk at the front and Lauren had me sign in before she led me to Ayden’s room.  I stopped at the door and watched Ayden sitting in the corner of a bed coloring. She doesn’t look as sad as I thought she’d look. Don’t get me wrong, she doesn’t look happy, but I had nightmares that she was crying all day and night. I’m glad she’s not as miserable as I imagined.

            Lauren lightly tapped on the doorframe, “Ayden?”

            She looked up and a huge smile came over her face when she saw me. I know I had an even bigger smile on mine as I waved at her. She jumped up and ran to me, “SARI!!!!! It’s Sari! It’s Sari! She’s my favorite Lauren! Sari!”

            I picked her up in my arms and couldn’t let go. I can’t let go ever again. She’s really here, in my arms. I can’t believe it.  The tears kept coming, but it was a different kind of tears now, I don’t think I’ve ever felt this good before in my life.

            “How come you crying? No crying. Come on, I wanna show you my bed.” I couldn’t put her down so I sat down on the bed.

            “How are you doing Ayden?” I asked softly as Ayden wiped the tears from my eyes, “Are you ok?”

            “I miss you Sari. I miss you a lot. How come I can’t come home?”

            “We’re working on it baby, we’re trying really hard.  Are you doing all right here though? Is everybody nice? Are you eating all your food? Can you sleep alright?”

            “Yeah, but I can’t go swimming. Cause they don’t have a pool. How come they don’t have a pool?”

            I laughed, “Not everybody has a pool sweetie.”

            “Oh. I like pools. And they don’t have a tramp-a-ween either. That’s silly,” she giggled, “but they got a playground. It’s not as cool as mine but it’s ok. I got gummy bears yesterday, like when we went to the zoo, memba?”

            I nodded my head and pulled her back on my lap, “How cool. Have you been brushing your teeth good?”

            “Uh huh, real good. Up and down, up and down, just like you say.”

            “Good, I’m so glad. I knew you would remember to brush your teeth the right way!” I kissed her cheek, “Oh, look! I got you a new bug book, want me to read it to you?”

            “Yeah, cause I don’t got none here,” she threw her hands up, “Hey Lauren, did you know a cock-a-roach can live for nine whole days without his head?”

            “Really?” Lauren asked with a smile, “That’s so weird.”

            “I know” she giggled, “Sari told me. She has this book, huh, that has all this cool stuff. I like bugs. They’re my favorite.”

            “They are your favorite, that’s for sure,” I laughed as I grabbed the new book from my bag, “Look at this book, it’s so big. And look at the cool pictures.”

            “Oooh! Look at the pictures! Can you read it Sari? What do those words say?”

            “It says the largest butterfly called Queen Alexandra’s Birdwing has an eleven inch long wingspan. That’s like, this big,” I put my hands about eleven inches apart.

            “Whoa! That’s big,” she made a face and giggled, “What about the smallest one?”

            “Let’s see, it says the smallest one has a wingspan of only a half an inch. That’s tiny, like this.”

            Ayden’s mouth dropped open, “That’s small, it’s teeny tiny,” she giggled, “Look at the picture, that one’s like a monster butterfly and that one’s like a baby!”

            “Yeah, you’re right, it is like a baby.”

            She giggled and played with my hair, “I miss you Sari.”

            “I miss you too,” I wrapped my arms around her, “I miss you so much I can’t sleep at night and I’m always thinking about you,” I tried to make it more like a joke so she wouldn’t see what a wreck I really am, “Daddy misses you too,” I whispered since I don’t think I’m supposed to mention him while I’m here. But she needs to know her father cares.

            “I miss YOU” she tapped my nose, “my favorite, favorite, favorite.             Can you stay tonight? Lauren, can Sari sleep over?”

            “No sweetie, I’m afraid not,” Lauren answered.

            “Oh, I know, I could go home then.”

            I smiled and held onto her tightly, I really don’t want to let her go. Ever.

            “You’ll see Sari again soon Ayden, it’s time for her to go now.”

            “I’m going to put your name in this book, so make sure you don’t let anyone take it, alright?” I asked as I wrote her name inside with a crayon, “And, I remembered to bring you Teddy. So now you can sleep extra good.”

            I need to stay strong and not cry in front of her. She needs to think everything is ok. I can’t scare her.

            “Yay! Teddy! Lauren, can Sari stay a little longer? She’s my favorite you know, my FAVORITE.”

            “I know she is Ayden, but she has to go. Say goodbye, you’ll see her soon.”

            “I will see you very soon Ayden. I want you to be so good, and keep up the good work brushing those beautiful teeth. I’m going to miss you again, but I’m going to see you soon. If you miss me, I want you to look out that window, and look at the moon and the stars and I’ll be home looking at those same stars and that same moon thinking of you. I love you Ayden.”

            “I love you too! You’re my favorite! Bye bye. Later,” she gave me a big hug and kissed my cheek before I stood up.

            “Bye hunny, I’ll see you soon.”

            “K. Bye. I miss you already!”

            I waved to her before following Lauren out of the building. I didn’t cry until I was in the car and we were driving away. “Thank you, so much, for letting me see her. And for taking care of her. I know you go to see her a lot, so thank you.”

            Lauren nodded her head, “She’s a good kid.”

            “I know,” I agreed, “she doesn’t deserve this.”

            “You can’t tell her father or his lawyers you got to see her. He cannot see her. It’s the court, it’s not us, but it’s not possible for him to see her until the court date. Just like it’s not possible for the mother to see her.”

            “Thank god,” I answered softly, “I really will do anything to make sure she doesn’t see Ayden. She’s not good, she doesn’t want Ayden, she wants Justin.”

            Lauren nodded her head, “I don’t know exactly what’s going on and I can’t really talk about it. But I will assure that she’s not seeing Ayden unless the court orders it and I don’t see that happening anytime in the near future.”

            “Thanks again Lauren, I really wish there was some way I could repay you,” I said when we got back to the office parking lot, “Thank you.”

            “Alright, take care. I’ll see you at court.”

            “OK, thanks again, bye Lauren,” I gave her a quick hug before getting in my car.

            On the way back home I stopped at a vitamin store and picked up some that were supposed to help with alcohol cravings. I was afraid of what I’d see when I got home. The house was dark and empty, I’m surprised Justin’s mother isn’t here yet. I went upstairs, hoping Justin was asleep or at least he wasn’t drinking.

            I stopped at the doorway when I saw Justin lying on his bed wearing only a pair of boxers. He was on his stomach, spread across the bed, with his head buried in a pillow. “Are you alright?” I asked softly when I noticed he was sweating.

            “Oh god, you’re here. I’m so fucked Sari, I need a fucking drink. Where did you put all the drinks?”

            “No, no you don’t. You don’t need a drink Justin, you’re doing great. The doctor will be here soon and he’s going to give you some pills to help you,” I sat down on the ground next to the bed, “I got you some vitamins and some water. Are you all right? You’re going to be ok. I know it’s hard, but you’re doing great. Here have some water,” I handed him the glass and the vitamins and went into his bathroom to wet a towel. “Are you hot?” I wiped the sweat from his body, “I read that bean sprouts help the craving. Try some.”

            Justin gave me a look but grabbed the bag, “Where were you?”

            “The doctors and shopping, trying to get those things. Didn’t your mother come home?”

            He shook his head and fell back on the bed, “This is fucking hell. I’m shaking and sweating and fucking seeing shit. I just need a beer, just get me a beer.”

            “I’m not going to get you a beer, we don’t have any. You’re doing good Justin, keep it up. It’s only going to suck like this for a little while longer. It’s not going to last forever. Stay strong, I’m here. I’m not going anywhere,” I said as I sat back down on the ground and wiped the sweat off him, “You’re doing great. Don’t give up.”