I sat in front of a mirror finishing my makeup and felt a steady throbbing like the beating of a drum in my chest. I have never been so scared in my life, and I’ve been through a lot of shit.  After taking a deep breath I stood up and fixed my fishnet stockings before taking one last look in the mirror. I look like a slut. What am I doing?

            “Don’t be so nervous, you look great,” Brandy, a dancer that’s been my mentor while I’m here gave me a hug, “They’re going to love you.”

            Instead of responding verbally I just nodded my head before running my hand through my hair to mess it up a little and followed her to the stage.  The music was so loud and the lights were so bright that I couldn’t even see the men sitting by the stage. I looked over at Brandy who was already dancing and figured I should be doing the same.

            They all said I just have to move with the music.  The guys don’t care what I do as long as I move my ass and touch myself. That sounds easy enough; I did take ballet for 10 years of my life. My mother would be so proud if she knew all her hard earned money she spent getting me ballet lessons were put to use by becoming a stripper. The good news is she’s dead so I don’t have to worry about her finding out. I don’t know why I just said the fact that my mother is dead is good news. It’s obviously not, I’m just confused the fuck out.

            I am standing here working the pole in front of fifty nasty ass men. I’ve never even been to a fucking strip club until I got this job three days ago and now I’m here dancing in lingerie complete with stripper shoes.  I’m not proud of myself, in fact I feel like a trashy slut but sometimes you have to do things you don’t want to do to make ends meet.

            Once my eyes got used to the lights I could see into the crowd and noticed that the guys were not as nasty as I thought. I just assumed they would be nasty based on the fact that they are at a strip club. Don’t get me wrong, I sure as hell will not be finding the man of my dreams here, but it could be worse. Brandy said it’s important to make eye contact and make each guy think that you’re dancing only for them.  That’s the secret to making the big bucks, or at least that’s what she says.

            The fact that grown men are literally throwing money at me does make me feel that it might be worthwhile to keep this up at least for a little while. I kneeled on the edge of the stage so a few of them could put the money in my lingerie. Before I knew it the song was over and I was backstage again.  I pulled the money out of my lingerie and counted it holy shit. I just made 68 dollars during a two-minute song. 

            If I’m not on stage I’m supposed to be giving lap dances or just talking to guys. Apparently you get paid to just sit and keep these guys company. Obviously you get paid a lot more for a lap dance so that’s what I’m going for.

            Overall the night went pretty well. It’s really not that bad. I mean, so far the guys have been pretty respectful and no one’s tried anything. I probably just jinxed it.

            “You’re wanted for a private,” one of the bouncers pulled me aside to tell me.

            “A private?”

            “Yeah, you go in a room alone with the guy and give him a dance. 100 for a half hour.” I nodded my head and was led to a small room. As I opened the door a cloud of smoke came out.  The whole room was full of smoke and it was dark, there were only a few candles lit.

            “Come on into the light darling, let me see you.”

            I walked closer to the candle so he could see me, and more importantly so I could see him.  My heart started beating in my throat again when I looked to see Justin Timberlake smoking a blunt looking me over. As he pulled it away from his lips he smirked, “Yeah, dance for me girl.”

            I danced for him, “Come closer,” he ordered. I did. “Work it girl, work it.” I sat on his lap, ran my hands through his hair and then down his chest before standing up and giving him a lap dance. “Suck my dick.”

            “What?” I stood up, that caught me by surprise. I know it’s my first day but I also am positive that I’m not supposed to be doing that.

            “You heard me, suck my dick,” he put his hands on my hips and pulled me back down to his lap, “I’ll give you a thousand dollars to suck my dick.”

            “A thousand dollars?” I asked out of disbelief.

            “Yeah bitch, a thousand dollars.”

            I bit at my bottom lip seriously contemplating the offer. I’m in quite the moral dilemma here. I’m technically not allowed to do it but a thousand dollars? A thousand dollars. Could be even possibly have a thousand dollars in his pocket? I bet he’s full of shit. “Let me see it,” he started to unzip his pants, “The money!”

            “Don’t insult me.”

            “Let me see it or you’re not getting it,” I can be an asshole too.

            He took a deep breath and pushed me off as he grabbed a wad of cash from his pocket, counting out ten hundred dollar bills and putting the rest back in his pocket, “Get on your knees,” he stood up, placing the money on the table and taking one last drag.

            I ran my hands down his chest and bent down as I unzipped his jeans letting them slide to the floor. I licked my lips and put my hands at the waist of his boxers before looking up at him, “Get on your fucking knees bitch and suck my dick!”

            If this were any other situation I would have been gone a long time ago, but for a thousand dollars he can call me whatever the fuck he wants to call me.

            I got on my knees and grabbed his dick in my hands rubbing it back and forth.

            “Show me your tits,” he reached to my back to unbutton my bra.

            “No,” I answered removing my hand from his cock and pushing it away from my back before standing up.

            “What do you mean no?”

            “I mean no.”

            “Five hundred more, let me see your tits.” I shook my head and he took a deep breath, biting at his bottom lip. I bit at my bottom lip and looked him directly in the eye making it impossible for him to walk away, “I’ll double it, show me your fucking tits.”

            Two thousand dollars to suck a dick and show him my tits. It’s not even like it’s a fucked up dick, it’s a nice one. Why is he even here? He does not need to pay for head.

            I grabbed his hand in mine and brought it back to my bra where he quickly unclasped it and got harder than he was before, if that was possible. “Yeah bitch.” I ran my left hand through my hair and grabbed on to my tit with the other.

            “Fuck girl,” he watched me carefully, “Get on your knees bitch, suck it.”

            I went back on my knees and took his dick in my mouth.  He moaned as I slid my tongue around him before I pulled my head away to play with the head of his dick. His fingers were running through my hair and he set the rhythm, controlling how fast I moved with his dick. “Yeah you fucking whore keep going.”

            I kept going, not so much because I wanted to but more because his hand was pushing my head back and forth, with his dick in and out of my mouth.  “You got it, fucking slut, you got it.”

            I felt a single tear fall down my cheek as he called me a slut and his dick was being forced in my mouth. I realized for the first time that he’s right. I am a slut. I am topless, on my knees sucking this guy’s dick while he calls me a bitch, slut and a whore.

            “I’m going to cum, swallow it skank.”

            His hand fell from my hair as he came in my mouth, I swallowed it and quickly pulled away from him, turning around so I could wipe my face and he wouldn’t see the tears.

            “What’s your name?” I grabbed my bra and pulled it on quickly, “Bitch, I’m talking to you.”

            “Chloe”

            “Chloe,” he repeated before throwing the money at me and leaving the room.

            I grabbed the money off the floor and went right to the back to change.  Most of the other girls were gone by the time I got back there so I quickly got changed into my sweats, grabbed my money and walked out front. 

            “All set?” one of the bouncers asked me with a smile. I nodded my head and he walked me to my car.  The good thing is that they don’t let the girls leave on their own. “How was your first night?”

            “Good,” I forced a smile.

            “Will you be back?”

            I nodded my head as I opened the door to my car, “I’ll see you later.”

            “Bye Chloe.”

            As soon as I got in my car I locked the doors and drove away quickly.  The second I left the parking lot I cried like I’ve never cried before. I thought the money would make me feel better but now I just feel like every single name that asshole called me is what I am. I can’t believe I did that.

            After I pulled into my parking lot I went to the apartment down the hall.  It was dark inside, the only light from the television. I grabbed my four-year-old son off the couch and kissed Kelly’s cheek that woke her up, “Thanks Kel,” I whispered.  She nodded her head before closing her eyes again, “Don’t you want to go in to bed?” She was already a sleep before she could answer.

            I walked down the hall to my apartment with Brady in my arms, holding on to him tightly. After managing to open the door I locked it quickly and put Brady right to bed. He is the reason why I’m doing what I’m doing. I kissed him on the forehead and went right to the bathroom to clean up and brush my teeth 8 times.

            I fell into bed and looked at the picture of my mother by the bedside. “Goodnight Mommy, I love you. I’m so sorry.” It took me a long time before I could all asleep. I spent a long time just looking at the picture of my mother and thinking about how she would feel if she knew what my life had come to. Then I cried myself to sleep. I can’t do this.