I sat in my car in front of the club for at least a half an hour before getting the courage to go inside. It’s been awhile since I’ve been here, and things have changed so drastically since the last time. I can’t help but think about how upset Justin is going to be when he finds out I’m here. Maybe he won’t find out. Wow, I’m sure doing great in this relationship, already getting ready to lie to him.
It’s not like I don’t know I fucked up. I know. I know I should have done something with the money right away. I know I should have been out looking for a real job as soon as I got paid the first time. But things just happened so fast and now I’m stuck with three dollars and ninety-six cents to my name.
How could I be so irresponsible? It’s not just me; I’m taking care of my son. My fucking son. I’m screwing up his life. This is the only way I can get enough money to put food on the table and pay my bills for the month. If Justin can’t deal with that then maybe he needs to move on with his life.
From the second I walked into the club I felt all my old fears coming back. There’s just something about being here that makes me feel like I don’t even belong here, I get this bad feeling from the beginning. I walked to the back and quickly got changed, thinking the faster I get out there to earlier I can leave. The truth is I need to stay all night so I can get as much money as possible. I have no money.
I walked to the stage and danced around, leaning and sticking my body in men’s faces so they could stick money wherever they please. I don’t mind this part; it’s the part I can handle. If they get too touchy feely or are too creepy I can just move away. I hate the privates the most because there you’re stranded for a half an hour. There’s no escaping.
After a few songs I walked around, talking and flirting to the guys. I’m not really good at this part because I’m not good at flirting and talking to them, especially the sleezeballs. We’re supposed to make it seem like we want them just as much as they want us, but I’m not an actress. Not even close to one actually. But I’m trying my best, I just keep thinking about the four dollars in my wallet.
“Room 4 Chloe.”
I nodded my head and walked slowly to room 4 for a private. That’s the room Justin’s always in, it’s going to be weird. I need to get over that and just go in there and give the guy a dance and be done with it. After closing the door behind me I looked to see him sitting in the chair. I couldn’t move, instead I hid in the shadows, hoping I could somehow escape.
“Come into the light darling, let me see you,” he said like he has so many Saturday nights in the past, but this time it was different.
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath before walking closer to him. He doesn’t look happy. He looks pissed. Real pissed. I sat on his lap; my legs wrapped around the back of the chair and ran my hands though his hair, “Hey.”
“What are you doing here Chloe?”
“What are you doing here Justin?”
“I came to see you,” he pulled my hands away from his chest, “Stop. I’m being serious.”
“How did you know I’d be here?”
“I went to your apartment to bring you some Pepto-Bismol for that stomachache and your friend answers the door.”
Well that’s wonderful, “She just told you where I was?”
“Oh, come on. Don’t get mad at her. I’m very persuasive,” he gave me that crooked smile. I rolled my eyes and looked away from him but felt his finger on my chin making me face him, “What are you doing here Chloe?” he asked again.
“I work here.”
“You work here huh?” he nodded his head, “Every Saturday night.”
“No.”
Justin took a deep breath and threw his head back before looking me in the eye, “I don’t want you to come here anymore.”
I tried to stand up but he wouldn’t let me, “You can’t tell me what to do.”
“I’m not telling you want to do. I’m asking you. Please Chloe, don’t come here anymore. You don’t need this shit, you’re better than this.”
I looked away from him again because I can’t look into his eyes. “I’m not better than this actually. This is who I am. And if you don’t like it then you can go fuck yourself and find someone who isn’t like this.”
“Chloe come on,” he pulled me back on his lap, “What’s going on?”
“Nothing.” I looked away from him again and I know it was driving him crazy. “Nothing, I’m just working.”
“Why can’t you look me in the eyes then?”
I took a deep breath and managed to stand up, “Look, I’m here to work not to talk. If you want me to dance, I’ll dance. Otherwise, I’m going back out there.”
“No, you’re not. I paid for the next hour, you’re not going anywhere.”
“I don’t have to stay anywhere I don’t want to stay. If I feel uncomfortable I can leave.”
“So now I make you uncomfortable?”
“When you’re asking me a million questions, yes.”
He took another deep breath, “How’s Brady?”
“I told you I don’t want to talk about him here.” I’m being a bitch, I don’t know exactly why, but I can’t stop. It wouldn’t surprise me if Justin just leaves and tells me to fuck off, never looking back. But what am I supposed to do?
“So you want me to leave then?” now he looks hurt, like I stabbed him in the back or something.
“I just… I mean, if you don’t want a dance I don’t know why you’re here.”
“Cut the fucking bullshit Chloe!” he screamed, louder than I’d ever heard him before, “You hate it here. What’s the problem? If you don’t tell me what the fucking problem is I can’t help you.”
“Who says I want your help?”
“Right. We’re playing it like that. You don’t want my help. You’d rather come to a fucking strip club and dance in your panties than take my help. What about Brady, huh? What’s he going to think when he finds out his mother’s a fucking stripper?”
I grabbed the neck of his shirt in my hands and pulled it tightly like I was going to strangle him. How dare he say that. I put my face right in his, shooting daggers with my eyes, “Don’t you EVER fucking say that again. That’s low, and you know it.”
“Why are you here?” he shot daggers right back at me, he’s not backing down, not even a little.
I looked away from him and bit my lips. He’s not going to let me go before I tell him. I hate to do it though. “I’m here because I’m a fucking failure. OK? Is that what you want to hear? I said it out loud, now it’s real. I’m a failure. I’m a horrible mother; I’m a horrible person. I have no clue what I’m doing in my life, I’m irresponsible, and I fucked up. Multiple times I fucked up, but now I really fucked up.”
“Stop. Tell me how you fucked up.”
“I have four dollars,” I answered softly, “Not even four dollars. Three dollars and ninety-six cents. I have no food in the refrigerator, nothing. Brady’s growing out of his pants and he starts kindergarten in a week at a school straight out of Dangerous Minds. There are metal bars on the windows and drug dealers hanging out in the playground. The fifth graders look like they’re eighteen and there was one other mother in his class that cared enough to go to Meet Your Teacher Day when they’re kid’s in kindergarten.”
“Calm down,” he wrapped his arms around me and pulled me into a hug, calming me down almost completely, “What happened to all the money from before?”
“I’m in huge debt. My mother didn’t have insurance and I’m trying to pay off her funeral and her doctor’s bills and her house.”
“I’ll give you the money.”
I shook my head; “I can’t take money from you.”
“Why not? I’ll loan it to you. I’ll even give you a high interest rate if it’ll make you feel better.”
I laughed quickly and wiped my eyes, “I can’t do that though. What if something happens and we hate each other?”
He shrugged, “Then I’ll send you a bill every month. Look Chloe, I can’t just sit back and watch you come here every night. I can’t just ignore the fact that you’re struggling. You’ve been through a lot of shit. You just need a little help to get you back on your feet and I want to help you. Let me help you.”
“And what, I’m supposed to just sit back and let you pay for everything?”
“No, you can find a job, a real job. Brady’s going to be in school all day, you can work somewhere that you’re home when he’s home. I can get you a job.”
“You can’t do everything. You already do too much.”
“Chloe maybe we found each other for a reason. Maybe it’s all in the plan. I will do whatever it takes to make you happy. I’ll do whatever I can to give Brady what he needs. You have to let me help though. You can’t feel like you owe me anything. Just seeing you guys happy is all I need.”
“Why are you so perfect?”
Justin laughed, “No one’s perfect Chloe. I just got it lying around; it’s not doing me any good. I’ve been looking for something to invest in and with the high interest rate I’m giving you, I think this will work out wonderfully for me.”
I laughed and kissed him gently, “Thank you. And I know you’re talking shit, but I really am going to pay you back.”
He nodded his head, “We’ll deal with that when the time comes. Now, go get changed. We have some grocery shopping to do.”
I practically ran backstage and couldn’t have changed into my sweats any faster. The thought of never having to come back here is just overwhelming. It makes me a little nervous to be taking money from Justin, ok I’m not going to lie it makes me very nervous. But I will pay him back. And I learned my lesson this time; I’m going to get a real job.
I met Justin out front. He grabbed my hand and led me to a black BMW. “No Jurassic Park car?”
“Nah, it’s taking the night off,” he laughed, “It’s one of those cars you can’t really drive every day.”
“Why not?”
“It’s a little obnoxious, don’t you think? It’s so big and it’s the car you drive if you want people to look at you.”
“Then why did you buy it?”
“I was young and wanted the attention. Plus it reminded me of Jurassic Park and I’ve always had a thing…”
“Shut up,” I laughed as we walked into the store. “Why do you drive it then?”
“Brady gets a kick out of it.”
I smiled as he grabbed a cart. Justin really cares about Brady. I never really expected Brady would have someone like him. I just always thought it would be the Brady and I and that’s it.
Things change.
I did ask my mom for some help. I asked her to send me an angel, and she did.
Thanks Mom.
