“Get up, get up, getup, getup, getup” the more he spoke the less it was understandable. I opened my eyes to see Brady smiling at me.  He already knows how to use his smile to get his way, or at least he thinks it’ll get him out of trouble. I don’t think he realizes that it gets real old real fast.

            “Monkey, I think today should be lazy Sunday and we should chill and stay in bed all day.”

            “No,” he giggled before climbing in bed with me.

            “No? Please?” he shook his head and laughed, “Then what do you want to do today?”

            “Um… oh I know we could… no no no, I know, what if we… oh no no no I got it!” I couldn’t help but laugh at my son but he gets mad, “Why you laughin mommy?”

            “I’m sorry Monkey, you’re just so silly. What is your perfect idea?”

            “Let’s go see Nana.”

            My heart melts a little every time he suggests we go see my mother.  She died six months ago and it still makes me sick to my stomach to think about her. I was told that it’d get easier and I’ll make it fine but so far it’s not any easier. I miss her too much.  She really is the most amazing woman that ever lived. Or was… I’m still not into using the past tense with her.

            Brady and I are both kind of stranded in this fake universe where we think she’s just gone on vacation and she’ll be back.  That’s normal for a four year old, not so much for his 23-year-old mother.

            “Do you want to bring her flowers?” I asked softly, forcing myself to stay strong for my son. Even though I want to cry just at the thought of her I know I can’t. I’ve become really good at holding back the tears.

            “Yeah,” he answered with a smile, “and chocolate cherries, they her favorite.”

            I smiled and stood up quickly turning away from him just in case a tear did slide down my face, “Let’s get ready then.”

            Brady got dressed quickly and we managed to be on our way.  We stopped at the bank to drop off the money and I swear the tellers are starting to look at me like I’m crazy. I might have to start going to different branches a couple times so it’s not so weird that every Sunday morning I’m depositing more than 2 grand cash.  But there’s only a handful of branches that are actually open on Sundays and I really don’t feel safe keeping all that money on me until Monday.

            We stopped at the grocery store to get flowers and chocolate covered cherries and a couple bagels for the ride.  I always get nervous as I’m driving to the cemetery. I’m just not good with these things, I never have been. I always think I need to get off an exit before where my mother’s house was but that’s unfortunately not the case.  We lived there with her, hell it’s the only house Brady has ever known.  Now we’re living in this tiny two-bedroom apartment in Chinatown.

            As I pulled into the cemetery I felt my heart beating in my throat. I don’t know why it makes me so nervous to be here. I walked around the car to help Brady out; he grabbed the chocolate covered cherries and ran to her grave. I really wish he wouldn’t run but I can’t form words to tell him to slow down.

            I stood by the grave and watched my son carefully.  He gave the grave a hug and then kissed it, “Hi Nana!” he’s not sad, he’s excited. I guess that’s a good thing but I don’t know how he does it. “We brought you flowers and chocolate cherries!” he smiled and sat down cross-legged in front of the grave, “Guess what Nana? I’ma be five” he held up four fingers and then counted them before adding the fifth with a giggle, “Five! I’ma big boy. Mommy says that I can go anywhere I want for my birthday. Huh Mommy?”

            He turned towards me and I quickly wiped my eyes before smiling and nodding my head.

            “I think I’ma go to McDonalds and get a McFlurry.”

            I couldn’t help but laugh at that, I said we could go wherever he wants and he’s really going to pick McDonalds? We go there like every other week.

            “I want a bike and a fishing pole and a skateboard,” he continued, “But you don’t gotta get me anything Nana. I know you not coming back.”

            I sat down on the ground and pulled Brady on my lap, trying to control the tears were flowing down my face like a waterfall.

            “Mommy, you talk now.”

            I tried to talk but I couldn’t. Instead I just held onto my son tightly and prayed for the strength to get through this.

            “I miss you Mommy,” I answered softly, “I’m so sorry.”

            I know she’s watching down on me, I know she’s ALWAYS looking down on me. That makes me sick to my stomach thinking about the way she sees me now. I know she’s ashamed and she is embarrassed of me. I know she is not proud and if she were here she would gave a long talk with me.

            Brady looked back at me and gave me a hug. I love him so much. If I didn’t have him I know I’d be so screwed up right now. He’s saved me.

            *~*~*~*~*~*~

            The weeks passed quickly.  Every Saturday I went to the club. I was told I had a private and walked in to see Justin sitting there in the room full of smoke sipping his Jack and coke with a smug smile on his face.  Every Saturday we started with a lap dance and then moved on to more, depending on his mood. Sometimes it’d just be me dancing or touching myself, other times I’d give him a hand job or a blowjob. He never did tell me to bring a friend again. I offered once and he told me he didn’t want to share, whatever that means.

 Every week I came home with over two grand and then I didn’t have to go back until the next Saturday. Even though Justin treats me like I’m a whore he pays me enough that I don’t need to do it to anyone but him. I hate it, but it makes me feel better knowing I don’t have to touch more than one man like that.

            I came home early Sunday morning only to wake up three or four hours later to keep Brady occupied for the day. The week flew by. Brady went to preschool every morning from eight to eleven, which was my time to catch up on my sleep; although I usually spent it cleaning or grocery shopping or running other errands. Then three days a week I went to teach ballet to eight year olds. It’s a little ironic that I’m teaching eight year olds how to dance. If their parents knew what I did on Saturday night I think they’d have me in jail.

            The days always flew by and soon enough is was Brady’s birthday. “Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday dear Brady, Happy birthday to you!” I sat down on his bed as he sat up and blew out the candles on the cake I held in front of him. “Good morning birthday boy!”

            “Morning Mommy.”

            “Happy birthday! I can’t believe you’re not four anymore, you’re a big boy now.”

            Brady nodded his head and smile, “I’m five,” he held out five fingers.

I told Brady he could pick any restaurant he wanted for his birthday dinner, just the two of us.  Although I was convinced we’d be stuck at McDonalds, for some strange reason, he picked Koi. I tried telling him that he probably wouldn’t like the food but he likes the big Buddha in the front and has been asking me to go there since the first time we drove past it. I did say we could go wherever he wants to go. 

So now here we are, sitting at a small table trying to decipher the menu and find something he would eat. Brady looked around the restaurant in amazement, “It’s pretty cool huh?”

            “Mommy why is there a tree growing inside?”

            “It’s just a decoration.”

            “I gotta go pee.”

            “Um, ok yeah, let’s go,” I stood up and grabbed onto his hand, “Don’t let go ok? There’s a lot of people, I don’t want you getting lost.”

            We walked through the crowded restaurant towards the bathroom. As we passed through the bar area we squeezed past a group of guys. I looked up to see Justin and stopped in my tracks. He stopped what he was doing, his face mere inches from mine and we both did nothing but watch each other for a second.  I’ve never seen him out of the club and it’s weird to see him in another place. I can’t even imagine how weird it is for him to see me with my clothes on. He looked down at Brady, or how weird it is for him to see me with my son. He looked back and me and I kept moving quickly.

            “OK Brady, go ahead.” I stood outside of the stall as he went in and did his business. I can’t believe Justin is here, that just ruins the whole night.

            I could feel Justin’s eyes on us as we walked back to our table.  I wish he would stop watching me as I eat. Brady had fun, even though I felt extremely awkward. The waiters all came out and sang to him and he thought he was the coolest person in the room.

            After dinner we went home and I put Brady to sleep before Kelly came in the room to watch him while I went to work.

            ~*~*~*~*

            “So what are you a babysitter on the side?” Justin asked as I gave him a lap dance.

            “No.”

            “Is he your son?”

            “I’m not talking about that while I’m giving you a lap dance.”

            “Then stop,” he pulled me on his lap and put his arm around my waist, “He’s your son?” I nodded my head, “Where’s his father?”

            “Hopefully dead or in jail,” I answered honestly. I don’t know why he’s asking me this, and I sure as hell don’t know why I’m telling him.

            Justin laughed, “My dad left when I was two.”

            I nodded my head; this is definitely getting too personal.

            “The kid needs a father.”

            What the hell is that supposed to mean? Who the fuck is he to tell me my son needs a father, “I didn’t have a father and I turned out OK.”

            He smirked before speaking, “you’re a stripper.”

            Although he is quite the asshole, it is true. I laughed, “You just said you didn’t have a father, you turned out ok.”

            “I pay a stripper thousands of dollars a week to suck my dick. There are obviously some issues steaming from something.”

            “Obviously,” I repeated, feeling very weird just sitting on his lap like this.

            “Yeah,” he moved his hand off my waist and I stood up so I could continue with the lap dance.  Justin watched me carefully and slowly unzipped his pants, pulling his dick out and grabbing it in his palm, stroking it as I danced.  “Let me fuck you.”

            “I’m not a prostitute.”

            “I never said you were. Let me cum in your pussy.”

            “No.”

            “How much will it cost to let me fuck the shit out of you?”

            “100 grand,” I answered so he’d get over it. It’s not going to happen.

            He swallowed hard as he continued stroking his dick, “What about 30?”

            “Grand?” I stopped dancing and he nodded his head, “Are you serious?”

            “I’ve never been more fucking serious in my life.” I don’t make 30 grand in a year. Most people make that much in a year, if that.

            “You’re full of shit, you don’t have 30 grand.”

            “I don’t on me, I’m good for it, you know I’m good for it.”

            “We’re not fucking.”

            He took a deep breath and threw his head back, “Come on Chloe, what do I gotta do?”

            “Nothing, it’s not going to happen.”

            “Please?”

            I giggled at how weird he’s acting; he’s like begging me. I’ve never seen him like this; I don’t know what’s going on. “No.”

            He took a long swig of his drink before lighting a blunt and putting it to his lips. I grabbed it from his hand and took a long drag myself, before placing it back between his fingers. Justin gave me a half smile and I looked up at him, then down at his hard dick and grabbed it in my hands. “Oh, your cock so big,” I said in my sexy voice. I learned quickly the more I talk the more money I get.

            “Fuck Chloe, let me fuck you.”

            It feels really good to have this control over him. I grabbed the blunt from his hand again and took another drag, “This is as good as you’re getting Justin,” I got down on my knees and bit my bottom lip while looking up at him, “So shut the fuck up and enjoy it.”