“Don’t be nervous,” Justin said softly as he placed a hand on my leg to stop it from tapping. Don’t be nervous? How am I supposed to be calm?
I smiled because I know if I open my mouth I will not like what comes out. I’ll probably yell at him and tell him to stop being so damn optimistic, it’s really getting old. Justin held onto my hand tightly as we walked into the police station. Brady was dropped off at school on they way and now there’s no excuse for me to wait any longer.
The fact is I’m not nervous; I’m scared to death. Now Gabe is even more pissed at me and if he gets off there is no doubt in my mind he’ll do something much worse than what he did the last time. When we walked in Justin talked to the officers. I probably should be listening but I can’t really focus so I just keep looking around, as if Gabe will pop out from under a desk.
“Come on Chlo, are you alright?” Justin offered a smile as we followed an officer into a room with a glass window. I hope Justin doesn’t want his hand back because I sure as hell am not going to be letting go of it anytime soon. He’s trying really hard to comfort me but it’s not really working. I just want to know what the next step is going to be.
The officer told us we could sit down as they went to get Gabe. I couldn’t sit or move in general so I just continued holding on to Justin tightly. The man was brought into the room, standing up straight against the wall with the height markers behind him. I felt like he was looking right back at me, even though I know he couldn’t see me.
“It’s not him,” I answered in a whisper as I felt tears fall down my face.
“What?” Justin asked, holding onto me tighter, “Are you sure? Look again, I mean he probably looks different, he’s been here over night.”
“It’s not him,” I can look at this guy as much as I want but it’s not going to change anything. I know what Gabe looks like, I have his face etched in my mind forever, believe me I’ve tried to get it out.
Justin threw his head back before running his hands through his hair, “Stay in here for a minute and let me talk to them.”
“No,” I answered quickly, “I’m not, I want to talk to them too.”
“Chloe please, just let me talk to them for a minute and then you can talk to them, just give me a minute, please.”
I sat down not only because it seems to be really important for him to talk to the cops alone, but also because I was getting weak in my knees. “Brady’s at school and I don’t…”
“We’ll send some officers over right away and make sure everything’s alright,” one of them spoke and I managed to nod instead of speak.
As they walked out of the room Justin sat down next to me, “I’ll be right back, don’t worry, they’re going to get them. You’re safe; Brady’s more than safe. That school’s got fences, no one’s getting anywhere near it. I’ll be right back,” he kissed my forehead before leaving me alone in the room.
I couldn’t look anywhere but straight ahead. I had a feeling in the pit of my stomach from the beginning and I knew that it’s wasn’t Gabe they got. I fucking knew it. That means he was in my apartment, I hope Justin’s telling them about that. I really want to go get Brady and take him back to Justin’s house. Why did I bring him to school today?
Justin is screaming. I looked over at the window and saw him pacing around the room and could hear him screaming and asking them how the fuck they could make a mistake like that. Finally he’s not being so damn optimistic. He took a few minutes to cool himself before coming back into the room, although he didn’t seem to realize the walls are big windows and I could see and hear him just fine.
“Come on,” Justin grabbed my hand and pulled me up, “We’re going to go get Brady and then go back to my house. And they’re going to fucking get him.”
“He lives in Riverside,” I spoke up, “I’m not sure if he’ll be there but that’s where he lives. He’s works at uh…” why can’t I remember? “Johnson & Johnson. He’s the VP of advertising. I’m sure he works, I mean he’s gotta work, right? He always came like after work or on the weekends. He’s probably there.”
“Thank you Chloe, we’ll get this all straightened out. We’ll call you as soon as we hear anything, until then you shouldn’t be alone.”
Obviously I’m not going to be home, “My apartment was…”
“Yes, Justin told us. We already sent someone to check it out. We’ll call you soon.”
That’s it? I’m supposed to just go to Justin’s house and wait for them to get Gabe. How the fuck am I supposed to just wait? How the fuck do they take some random guy and tell me they have Gabe? It doesn’t make sense. I feel like I’m the only one that thinks it’s a big deal.
“It’s fucking bullshit,” Justin said as we drove away, “They’re fucking idiots. They’re doing their own damn thing, they don’t even give a shit,” he looked at me for the first time and took in a deep breath, “Are you alright?”
“I just want to get Brady.”
“Yeah, we’re going,” he sped up giving me flashbacks to that night with the big cheeseburgers and the paparazzi following us around. That wasn’t fun and it made me very nervous but today I want him to go faster. “He’s fine, they don’t let anyone near that school.”
I would much rather go there and see he’s fine for myself. It’s hard to take Justin’s promises seriously after he told me not to worry because they have Gabe, and it would be perfectly fine to walk into my apartment with the unlocked door. Now I’m unable to take the things he says as fact and will believe it when I see my little boy.
As soon as he pulled into the parking lot of the school I literally ran inside. I waited patiently as I filled out the dismissal form and the secretary went to go get Brady. I feel a lot better knowing that they even check my ID and I can’t even see him before everything checks through. At least I can calm down a little now that I know there’s no way Gabe could have gotten to Brady.
“Mommy!” Brady shouted as he ran for me as if he hasn’t seen me in months and honestly that’s what it felt like to me too.
“Hey Monkey, are you alright?”
“Yeah, hi! Oh! Hi Justin too! Guess what? When Mrs. Williams came in and said I was leaving I was sad cause I was having fun. But now I see my Mommy and Justin and I’m not sad anymore!”
“I’m so glad,” I hugged onto him tightly and would be perfectly ok with never letting go of him. Justin placed his hand on my back to comfort me just as I felt a tear fall down my face.
“Mommy! You’re holding me too tight, I can’t breathe!”
He can always make me laugh, it happens every time I need it, “I’m sorry sweetie, are you all ready?” I wiped my eyes quickly so he couldn’t see the tears before thanking the secretary and following Justin back outside.
“How come you picked me up early?”
“I need some help man,” Justin spoke up since I’m unable to come up with something, “I got that new tractor lawnmower and I need to cut the grass, I thought you could help me with it.”
“Oh yeah! I’m real good at that, huh Mommy?” I nodded my head even though Brady has never seen a lawnmower in his life, in fact I’m not even sure if he knows what a lawnmower is. “Are we going to go see Nana first?” Brady continued, “I thought we was gonna go see Nana.”
“No, maybe tomorrow,” I answered quickly. I highly doubt Justin would like to go to a cemetery and watch us talk to a gravestone and obviously he’s not letting us out of his sight.
“But you said we’d go Mommy! We didn’t get to see her and I wanna tell her about the fountains.”
“I don’t mind stopping there. I’ll wait in the car if you want.”
“See Mommy, we can go. We’ll be real quick, I made Nana a picture today and I wanna give it to her.” I really am worried that he makes it sound like he’s going to actually see her. That’s just another issue to add to his future therapy sessions.
“OK, thanks Justin. She’s at St. Anne’s.”
Brady was excited and kept talking to Justin about anything and everything. Luckily Justin was there to listen to him because my head is just all over the place. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life hiding from Gabe but right now all I want to do is go back to Justin’s house and hide. Maybe going to see my mother will make me feel better, she always had a way of calming me down. Even though that was when she was alive, I still feel some kind of a presence when I’m at her grave. Deep down I know that’s ridiculous but it works and I’ll take whatever I can get.
I guided Justin through the cemetery and as soon as he pulled over Brady ran out to the grave. “Do you want me to wait here?”
“Yeah, I mean it’s up to you. You can come, if you won’t get freaked out by us talking to a piece of rock. But you don’t have to, either way.”
He nodded his head, “I’ll come but just tell me if you want me to leave.”
Brady was hugging the gravestone as we walked up, “K, come on Justin,” he grabbed onto his hand and pulled him closer, “You sit here, Mommy sits over there and I sit here. And I talk first and then Mommy talks and then you can talk.” I sat down in my usual spot and saw Justin sit down out of the corner of my eye. We probably shouldn’t have come; if this doesn’t scare him away I don’t know what will.
“Hi Nana, it’s me, Brady!” he continued as he stood up in front of the stone, “Look I’m almost bigger than your thing! I made you a picture at school. Did you know I was in school? I go to a cool school and I got lots of friends and Mrs. Williams said I’m a good kid. And I only need one more smiley face so I can get to pick from the treasure box. This time I’m gonna get some slime. I got to leave early today cause I gotta go and help Justin cut the grass. He need me to help him cause I’m good at that. Oh! We went to that place with the shiny lights and there was a cool fountain. And the water came up and the music was loud and silly and I got to watch it all the time. Oh yeah and we got to go to the pool and it was so awesome Nana cause the water came down on my head. And there was even a waterslide,” he giggled and looked back at me. I wiped my eyes quickly; I don’t think he noticed, I really hope he didn’t. This is getting harder and harder, I can’t take it. “Then we went to see The Beatles, the real ones! And we sang and danced and Justin said I’m a real good singer. OH!!! And I got to see The Jonas Brothers. All of um, there’s Nick and Kevin and… the other one. They on Hannah Montana sometimes.”
I closed my eyes and tried to take a deep breath so I could calm myself down. I felt Justin’s hand on the small of my back and when I opened my eyes to look at him he looks like this is getting to him almost as much as it’s getting to me.
“Then we went home,” Brady continued, “On the plane, it was so cool and I got gummy bears. And then there was that guy,” oh shit, I knew he’d remember Gabe. Now I’m scared about exactly what he remembers or what he knows in general. I put him to bed, but who knows if he actually fell asleep. “And Mommy talked to him and I went to bed. Oh and guess what? When I woke up Justin was there and so was Tiny! It was so cool, we made them pancakes. His name is tiny but he’s not Tiny. He’s really big, really really big. It’s silly. Then we went back to that place and that’s when I got to see The Jonas Brothers. And now we come back and we stay at Justin’s in the cool bed and I go to school and they come pick me up and now we’re here! OK now it’s Mommy’s turn. Oh no, no. How about Justin you go first.”
“Brady hunny, he doesn’t…”
“I um…” Justin broke in and spoke quietly, “I really wish I could have met you and um I know you must have been an amazing woman to raise Chloe and Brady and uh… I just really would have liked to get to know you.”
Now I’m bawling, the tears are falling like a waterfall and I just want to crawl into a ball and let it all out. “I’m sorry,” Justin whispered, “Come on Brady, let’s give your Mom some time alone, alright? We’ll be at the car, take your time.”
I closed my eyes again and worked on some deep breathing exercises I leaned a long time ago. They didn’t work back then and they sure as hell don’t work now. OK, I need to get my shit together. “Hi Mom, I’m sorry that… everything is happening. And you helped me so much with Brady and now it’s like I’m on my own and Gabe is back and I don’t know how I let all that happen. I’m trying really hard but I don’t know what else to do. Justin’s good and he’s helping, or trying really hard but I’m still afraid he’s going to find out something and leave. I can’t do it all on my own, I just can’t. You’d like him; he’s nothing like anybody I’ve ever known. You’d love him. Brady loves him, and he’s so good with him. But I’m so scared he’s going to get scared away. Gabe is like… showing up randomly and he somehow got into my apartment. The cops are supposed to get him but I don’t know how much I trust them. But I trust Justin, and we’re staying with him until everything is figured out,” I stopped for a few seconds to try to stop myself from crying but it’s just not working. I usually can stop it; I’m never this bad. “I know that you’d hate me crying like this. You always taught me to be strong. I’m trying, I’m sorry. I know you’d want me to just move on and be happy and make myself happy. You always told me that I needed to go out and meet new people and live my life with other people besides you and Brady. I’m trying really hard Mom, but I just miss you so much. But that’s just me being selfish because I know you’re in a better place and you’re happy. I’m sorry you had to take care of me so much. I’m sorry… for everything and I really wish I could tell you that to your face. I wish I could see you just one more time.” I wiped my eyes and took another deep breath, “OK. I’m sorry we haven’t been here in awhile, it’s just so hard… but that’s not an excuse. You deserve more. I love you Mommy, I miss you so much,” I stood up and kissed her grave stone before walking back to the car slowly, trying to get some control over myself. I need to be strong for Brady but I haven’t really been doing that these past few days.
Brady was talking and giggling as I got into the car. I couldn’t get myself to look back at him because I know I look like a hot mess. “Are you ready?” Justin asked softly, placing a hand on my lap. I couldn’t answer so instead I just nodded my head.
“Ohh! This is our favorite song Justin! Turn it up! Turn it up!” Brady shouted as I closed my eyes and felt more tears fall down my face.
When I find myself in times of trouble, mother Mary comes to me,
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
And in my hour of darkness she is standing right in front of me,
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be.
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be.
And when the broken hearted people living in the world agree,
There will be an answer, let it be.
For though they may be parted there is still a chance that they will see,
There will be an answer. let it be.
