This is how it works. Right when I think things just might work out for me something happens to bring me back to the reality that my life is not supposed to make sense.  I’m sick of Justin treating me like I’m a child. He acts like he’s my father and I have no idea what I’m doing in my life. It’s like if he wasn’t here I’d be lost somewhere in the middle of nowhere.

Reality check Justin I’ve made it twenty-three years without his help I can certainly make it twenty-three more. Not even to mention that he goes behind my back to talk to my damn son. That’s not ok. Justin acts like he’s Brady’s father. Ugh, you’re not.  Hate to break it to you. From the second I found out I was pregnant with Brady I knew he would be just fine without a father. And guess what? He is. As soon as Justin saw Brady he immediately talked about how much Brady needs a father. He’s just so obsessed with the idea that he’s pushing himself into Brady’s life. It’s not going to happen.

I knew I shouldn’t have gotten involved with Justin in the first place. I should have just stuck with the club atmosphere and leave it at that. I’ve been fine on my own. After my mother’s death I realized that I’ll be ok, I don’t need help from anyone. If I made it through those first few months, which were the hardest of my life, then I can sure as hell make it through anything.

I reached under the bed and grabbed the shoebox with the little amount of money I have hidden before standing up and grabbing the framed picture of my mother and placing it in my suitcase. “Brady,” I called out as I made my way to his room where he was quietly coloring on his bed.

“Hi Mommy!” he smiled up at me. No matter what is going on he manages to bring everything into perspective. This whole situation may be horrible, but I have my son and that’s all I need. We’re going to make it.

“Hey Monkey,” I tried to say in a normal tone as I grabbed the suitcase from the closet that was already packed from the last time we almost left, “Get some things together, alright? We’re leaving.”

“Where are we going?”

“I’m not sure, we’re just going to go.”

“Oh.” He answered with a pout, he’s more confused than I am, “Is Justin coming?”

I pretended I didn’t hear his question as I continued, “Get some toys, as many as you can fit in that bag over there. Make sure you get your favorites alright sweetie?”

“OK. And my backpack cause I gotta go to school. You know what Mommy? Tomorrow is C day and I gotta bring something in that starts with a C.  I’m gonna bring in a sea with a boat and stuff.”

“That’s one of those tricky words that starts with a S so we’ll have to think of something else.”

“Oh man! How about a star?”

“That’s another one. Hurry up, ok? We’ll talk about it later.”

I left him in his room so I could finish getting things together. Brady can get his own things together; he’s very mature for his age.  I don’t know how I’m going to explain this to him when he asks. Why didn’t I think about this before? I knew I shouldn’t have let him get as close to Justin as he did.

Brady came out of his room a few minutes later with the Hungry Hungry Hippos box in his hands. “I’m all done Mommy! I brought Hungry Hungry Hippos cause Justin said we was gonna play but then he left. How come he left?” Brady continued without giving me a chance to answer even if I wanted to, “Well, that’s ok cause I’ll just bring it with us and we can play there.”

“Perfect, thank you darling,” I said as I grabbed the crackers from the cupboard and helped him put his backpack on. “Got everything? I’ll take your suitcase, can you grab Mommy’s purse?”

He nodded his head with a smile, excited about our new adventure. I’m sure he thinks we’re going swimming at Justin’s or Justin is taking us fishing. He has no idea where we’re really going, which is not a surprise since I don’t know either. We managed to take everything in just once trip since I’m not exactly taking everything we own. There’s no time to take everything, Justin could be back any second. I’m actually surprised he hasn’t sent Tiny here already to spy on us. It wouldn’t surprise me if he were in the bushes hiding.

“Alright,” I said softly as I backed out of the parking spot, “Let’s think of some words that start with C. That’s a tricky one because it can sound two ways. Sometimes it sounds like K or sometimes it sounds like a S.”

“Oooh, ok. So… KITE! I can bring in a kite!”

“That one starts with a K. Let’s see, there’s cat. Cat starts with C.”

“I don’t have a cat Mommy,” he explained as if I wasn’t aware of that myself.

“I know Silly. We’ll think of something.”

“Yeah. I bet Justin can think of something good. He’s good at that stuff. Remember when we had T? And I said I could take a toy and he said what kind of a toy and so I said my dinosaur toy duh and he said what kind of a dinosaur and I said a tyrannosauruses Rex and he said hmmmm like that,” Brady stopped to giggle, “Hmmm and I said hey! Tyrannosauruses Rex starts with a T too! Remember that Mommy?”

I nodded my head and turned the radio up since there is no other way for him to stop talking about Justin. There has to be some way to get his mind off Justin. I shouldn’t have let them get so close.  Why did I let them get so close? I knew this was going to happen. I knew from the beginning that they’d get too attached and if anything were to happen between Justin and I, Brady’s little heart would be broken. It kills me that I knew what would happen and I just ignored all the signs and let it happen.

“Oh I know!” Brady called out from the backseat, “Are we going back to that place with the fountains? Cause that was my favorite day ever! Huh Mommy? It was so much fun when the music was on and we was eating at the window and the water went up so high it reached the sky!”

“I remember,” I answered softly. We probably should go back to Vegas. I’m sure I could find a job there making as much as I did at the club here. If I actually plan better I’ll have plenty of money to take care of everything. I can get a normal job during the day and go to a club at night. I hear dealers and cocktail waitresses make a lot, and I bet some of the casinos even have some kind of daycare for Brady.

I don’t really want Brady to grow up in Vegas, but I could at least get enough money to get us back on our feet and then move somewhere a little nicer. I’m not exactly sure where but I’ll do more research when I actually have time to plan everything out.

All of a sudden, like a bolt of lightning it just hit me that I have no idea what I’m doing. I make up these excuses in my head but it’s all bullshit. I’m not going to last long in Vegas, or anywhere else for that matter. Who is going to watch Brady when I’m at the club? And why the hell is my plan to go back to a fucking club and strip again? That’s supposed to be the last option not the first choice. What have I become? I heard myself bawling and it wasn’t until I heard Brady’s voice that I even remembered he’s in the back seat.

“Mommy? Are you crying?”

“No,” I lied but was unable to stop.

“Mommy maybe we shouldn’t go anymore. Maybe we should stop and call Justin. How come he’s not here? I thought he was coming. I know we can stop right there and call Justin and tell him to come see us. He always comes and he makes you feel better.” Now I need my five-year-old son to be the reasonable one and try to calm me down.

There was a time that I never showed Brady my fears. I used to be strong, or at least I was able to hide my tears until he was asleep. I don’t do that anymore. Over the past few months I think I’ve gotten weaker because I’ve relied on Justin too much. I need to go back to the way things were. I need to be strong again.

“I’m fine hunny, don’t worry. We’ll stop and get some McDonalds after a few more exits all right? Let’s listen to some music.”

My cell phone rang a few times before we made it to McDonalds but I managed to press the ignore button before Brady could hear it. It wasn’t until we were sitting at the table eating our dinner that it rang again and I quickly turned it off. “Mommy, how come you’re not answering it?”

“Because I’m with you and we’re eating our dinner. It’s rude to talk on the phone when we’re eating.”

“Yeah but sometimes it’s ok. Cause sometimes Justin has to talk on the phone cause his work is calling and it’s real important, remember?”

Every single thing Brady manages to turn around so he can talk about Justin. I guess that’s just proof at how much Brady loves him. It’s definitely proof that I fucked that whole thing up and next time I’ll know not to get involved with anyone. There’s not even going to be a next time. All I need is my son.

“Why don’t you go play for a little while?”

It didn’t take him long to run out there and jump in the balls. I’m surprised he didn’t first tell me a story about that time we went to the play place with Justin and he ran around with him for what seemed like hours. Against my better judgment I decided to listen to the messages that were left for me.

“Chloe, it’s me,” I heard Justin’s message, “Where are you guys? I just got back and you’re not here. You shouldn’t go out without Tiny or me. Something could happen. Call me back when you get this so I know you’re alright.” Justin was calm in that one but as the messages progressed his anger was shining through more.

“It’s getting dark out, and I have no idea where you guys are. I know you were mad and I shouldn’t have asked Brady but you can’t go run away. It’s dangerous out there Chloe, how do you not understand that? I mean, you know that Gabe is fucking around somewhere right? You’re the one that explained it to me and then you go and do this stupid shit!” he shouted but then caught himself, “I’m sorry. Look I just need to know you guys are ok. Just call me back. Please just call me back.”

“You really need to call me back Chloe. I just went by Gabe’s and he’s there so I don’t know if that means anything. Tiny’s at your place and I’m just driving around looking for you guys. I don’t know where you’d be. I checked the cemetery, that’s the only place I could think of. You have to let me know you’re ok baby, I’ll give you time to cool off. I’ll leave you alone but please just let me know you guys are all right. I’m sorry Chloe. You can’t just run away though it’s dangerous. Call me and tell me where you are and I’ll come to you and we can talk this out. Or I’ll just keep calling back every five minutes. Come on baby, call me back.”

I turned the phone off and wiped my eyes before calling Brady over, “Ready Freddy?”

“Yeah, that was fun! Memba that time we went to that cool play place with Justin and we played all day?”

Of course that was coming, Brady sure didn’t let me down. “Yeah, that was a lot of fun,” I answered quietly as I grabbed his hand and led him back to the car, “Try and rest while we’re driving alright? We still have a while longer.”