I can’t tell you how long it was before I heard a knock on the door, it could have been five minutes or it could have been give hours. Although I was still on the floor crying I jumped up quickly. There was not a single doubt in my mind that when I opened that door Justin would be standing on the other side. He’d tell me he made a mistake and he realizes how much we need him. Or he’ll tell me it was all a test, another one of his mind games to see how serious I am about this relationship. If this whole thing is about kids, I’ll have his kid. I’ll have a whole football team worth of them. I don’t need to wait; I’ll have them now. There’s no need to get married first or even at all. Let’s do it.

When I opened the door I felt my heart break all over again. It was not Justin standing in front of me but Tiny with a look of sympathy covering his face. “God sweetie, are you alright?”

“No,” I answered simply unable to move from the doorway or stop crying.

“I’m sorry Chloe, I don’t know what he’s thinking. It’ll work out though, everything will work out.”

I walked back inside, I don’t want him to stand here and pretend everything is going to be fine. It’s not. I can’t even think of how the hell I’m supposed to get through a day without Justin, forget about my whole fucking life. Why did he come all the way out to Vegas and find us when he was just going to leave me a day later? Why did he bother making such a big deal about not being able to give Brady the right kind of goodbye and then sneak away when he’s at school? Why does he bother sending Tiny here and pretend he cares about us when he can’t possibly? If he cared about us he wouldn’t just leave like that. He should have just let us go when we were in Vegas. I was just starting to be ok with the fact that I’d never see him again and then he had to go and come and get us and make me fall in love with him all over again.

“Do you want me to stay outside?”

I took a deep breath and shook my head. I need to get my shit together. “No, of course not. You really don’t need to stay here, I’m not going anywhere.”

“I know sweetie but Justin…”

I nodded my head so he’d stop. Hopefully he’ll never mention Justin’s name again. “I’m just going to go to bed. You can do whatever you want.” I left him alone in the living room before he could answer and fell onto my bed, pulling the covers over my head.  The remainder of the day I spent crying and over thinking everything. It’s kind of dumb for Justin to just leave like that. He should have talked to Brady first. He just snuck out and left me to do the dirty work. It’s not fair, he should man up and tell Brady what the hell is going on through his head since I have no fucking clue how to explain it to him.

Obviously I should not have let Justin and Brady get as close as they did. But how am I supposed to do that? Am I supposed to just spend my whole life alone and not even give a guy that seems like a good guy a chance? Justin is a good guy, it’s not that. I don’t think it’d be possible for me to find someone better than him. I’ll never be able to find someone that gets along with Brady as well as he does. He helps me out when I need it and it’s like he knows when I do. He did know. I need to use past tense. He’s gone. It’s over.

“Chloe,” I heard a soft knock on my bedroom door, “Do you want me to go pick up Brady? You can stay in bed.”

I looked over to the clock, thank god Tiny is here or we would have a serious problem. I need to get myself together; Brady does not need to see me like this. “Just um, give me five minutes?” I got changed and tried to pull myself together.  There’s no way I’m going to be able to hold myself together, no possible way. I can only take so much and I feel like I’m getting really close to my breaking point.

Tiny drove me to Brady’s school in silence. “I’m sorry you’re put in this position, but thank you.”

“You’re fine sweetie, take your time.”

I took a deep breath before I walked slowly to the school. The other mothers are all dressed up and wearing heels and here I am in a pair of jeans and flip-flops. If I was imagining the dirty looks I got before now I know it’s not just my imagination. They already look at us like we’re scum because Brady doesn’t have a father and it’s only a matter of time before someone does something to expose us as to using Justin’s address and he gets kicked out. I should start looking for another school.

When Brady saw me he smiled brightly, that’s the only thing in the world that could make me smile right now.  I waved back at him before motioning for him to pay attention to his teacher. He brought his hand to his mouth before turning his gaze back to Mrs. Little. I think we’ll be all right. He’s all I need. Justin’s right, we did fine without him before. We don’t need him now, just like we never did.

Finally the class was dismissed and Brady ran out and jumped in my arms. I don’t know what I’m going to do when he gets old enough that he doesn’t care when I pick him up for school. “Did you have a good day?”

“Yeah Mommy, I had an awesome day. You know why? Cause I was so good I got extra play time AND I got a green smiley face! And all my friends said they missed me cause I wasn’t here yesterday.”

“I bet they missed you, everyone misses you when you’re not with them. You’re doing so great in school Brady, I’m very proud of you.”

He giggled before grabbing onto my hand so we could walk to the car, “That’s ok Mommy, cause I’m not gonna be bad anymore. Memba that time I was bad? That was cause I was mad, but I’m not mad anymore. I’m a good boy.”

“You are a very good boy, quite possibly the coolest boy in the whole wide world.”

Brady giggled again and swung his hand in mine, “I am! Cause you know why? It’s cool to be good. It’s not cool to be bad. That’s what Justin said. And I wanna be just like Justin so I gotta be good so I can be cool like him.”

I wish I had a way to respond to that. I don’t know if I want Brady to be like Justin. I would hope he wouldn’t be with somebody and become pretty close to a father figure to a fatherless five-year old and then decide he doesn’t want to live that life anymore and just sneak away while the five year old is in school. Hopefully Brady would have the decency to think it through and not just surprise the kid’s mother and disappear out of the blue.

“Oh look! Tiny’s here! How come?” luckily Brady continued before I had to respond, “Hi Tiny! Remember me?” I’m so lucky Brady is outgoing. If he were shy he wouldn’t do well with Tiny being here and then he’d ask the Justin questions that I know are coming. I’d like to put those off as long as possible.

“Do I remember you? What was your name again? Grady? Trady? Cornelius?”

“No!” Brady shouted with more giggles, “No, my name is Brady silly. Mommy he forgot my name!”

“Of course I didn’t forget your name, I’m just kidding. How are you doing?”

“Me? I’m doing good cause I was good in school today. Hey Mommy, where’s Justin?”

And there it is. I don’t know why I thought I’d be able to put it off. Brady’s whole life revolves around Justin. I felt the sweat build up on my forehead. Why couldn’t I have come up with some kind of an answer?  “You got me kid, isn’t that good enough?” Tiny answered, buying me some time to come up with something.

I’m not going to try and feed Brady any lies. He should know the truth, or at least some extent of the truth. He obviously doesn’t need to know all the details. But he definitely shouldn’t think Justin just went on vacation or anything. There’s a slight chance he won’t be that upset. Maybe he’ll treat it like he did my mother’s death, he’s used to the people he loves leaving him.

Good god, what am I saying? He’s used to every single person that he loves leaving him. The only people he gets close to leave. What the fuck is wrong with me? How did I let this happen? I am not going to do it again. I will never trust any man enough to let them into Brady’s life. Never. It’s not worth it.

When we got back to my apartment I made Brady do his homework right away because I know he’s not going to do it after I tell him. He didn’t ask any more questions about where Justin was so it worked out. It wasn’t until after I fed him and got him ready for bed that he asked, “Hey Mommy, is Justin gonna be here tomorrow because I made him a present. At school Mrs. Little said we was gonna make a Father’s Day present, but I said I don’t got a father. And she said of course, everyone’s got a father. But I don’t, right?”

I nodded my head; I must remember to have a talk with this Mrs. Little. Why the fuck would she tell him everyone has a father? I swear some people are so fucking stupid. I’m ready to go show up at her doorstep now. This is not the right time to fuck with me.

“So then I said, well I know! I can make one for Justin! Cause Mrs. Little said that a father is someone that you love and someone that does fun stuff with you. And Michael said that his father takes him fishing, and Justin takes me fishing. Then Rachael said that her father takes her on vacation and Justin does that too! So Mrs. Little said I could make it for Justin. It’s not done yet though cause it had to dry so I’ma bring it home tomorrow.”

I nodded my head again because I couldn’t form words. Why did he have to tell me all that right before I was about to tell him Justin’s not coming back? “How about a quick game of Hungry Hungry Hippos before bed?”

“Yeah!” he ran to grab the game. I always know those Hippos will save the day. “Mommy’s pink and I’m blue.”

“I thought you’re blue and green.”

“Yeah but that’s cheating. Justin said that’s cheating so I’m only gonna be one from now on. I like blue better than green too.”

Oh gosh, he’s killing me here. Why does Brady have to decide today that he should only play with one hippo after the months Justin has been telling him it’s cheating? I let Brady play more games than I usually would because I was putting off what I needed to tell him.  My heart is racing and I’m getting sweaty and I don’t know how I’m going to do this.

“OK sweetheart, I think it’s time for bed.” I said as I tucked him in and sat down next to him.

“OK, cause I’m tired too. I can’t wait until tomorrow cause I can give Justin his present. Do you think maybe we can go swimming at his house after school tomorrow?”

“Hunny, we need to talk about Justin. I um… I don’t think he’s going to be coming around anymore.” Brady’s just looking at me like he doesn’t understand what I’m saying.

“Like that time he had to work and wasn’t here?”

“Kind of but… he won’t be coming back.”

“How come?” he whined, I could see the tears starting to fill his eyes, “Cause I jumped on him and woked him up? I didn’t mean to scare him Mommy, I didn’t. I was just having fun. I won’t do it anymore, I promise.”

“No, no you need to listen to me Brady. This has nothing to do with you, absolutely nothing. Justin loves you very much. Sometimes it just doesn’t work out and it’s hard but we have to be ok with it. I’m sorry hunny, but we’ll be ok.” I didn’t think my heart could break anymore but that look on my son’s face is just shattering the pieces. If I don’t get out of here quickly I’m going to break down again and I really can’t do that in front of him. “Why don’t you try and get some sleep, alright babe? We’ll talk about it later. I love you so much Brady, you need to remember that ok? We have each other, that’s all we need.” I kissed his forehead and gave him a long hug. He’s not crying, he just kind of looks lost. “Are you going to be alright Monkey?”

Brady nodded his head and kissed my cheek, “Night Mommy, I love you too.”

I left Brady’s room ready to go right to bed myself. All of this is very draining. Tiny explained that he was going home for the night but someone would be keeping an eye on us so we shouldn’t be worried. I still think this is all a little excessive but I’m not about to complain now. Instead I went right to bed and tried to sort all my thoughts out.

Of course I couldn’t actually sleep and instead spent most of the night doing what I seem to do best, crying. That look on Brady’s face is going to haunt me. He looked so lost, like he has no idea how he’s going to go about his life without Justin. Why did I let this happen? It was almost midnight when I heard Brady’s soft voice, “Mommy, I can’t sleep.”

“You can’t? Come on up here and sleep with me tonight,” I said as I pulled the covers down for him to climb under. “What’s wrong sweetie?”

“I miss Justin.” Of course.

I wrapped my arms around him, “I know you do hunny. Sometimes Mommies make friends but then something happens and then they’re not friends anymore. I’m sorry you got so attached to him; I know how much you liked spending time with him. But we need some Brady Mommy time, and we’re going to focus on us for a little while ok?”

“And then Justin will come back?”

“No sweetie, let’s try and sleep alright? I love you.”