For the first time since Brady started school, he gave me a hard time about going. He’s always excited to go to school but today he pretended he was sick. He didn’t smile once, he didn’t laugh or giggle or have the look in his eyes that he always use to have. My heart is officially shattered. I brought him into school a little early so I could talk to his teacher about the whole not having a father thing. Although it was hard, I was able to keep my cool and explain my reasoning instead of breaking down and crying in her arms.

After I dropped him off I spent the day in bed. I haven’t really been in this depression mode since my mom died and I can’t really remember how I ever got out of it.  The whole situation would be so much easier if Brady wasn’t involved. All I can think about is how I knew from the beginning I shouldn’t let Justin get close to Brady but I still let it happen. To think Justin always thought I had walls up before, now I’m going to have to have a million more walls up. He told me that I could trust him because he’d never leave me but he did. I should have known not to trust him; he’s just like every other guy.

The day went by way too fast. It seemed like I just climbed into bed when Tiny knocked on my door to tell me it was time to pick up Brady. I am thankful he’s still around. At least I feel safe; it would be horrible if I had to deal with the fear of someone showing up at my door as well as everything else.  When I got to the school I noticed Brady sitting in the time out chair. I wasn’t really surprised; Brady tends to act up in school when he has a tough time dealing with whatever is going on at home. I wish I had some way to help him deal with the bad shit besides acting out.

When Brady saw me he crossed his arms over his chest and looked at the ground. Great. “Hi, Mrs. Little.” I said as I made my way over to her. “I see Brady had a tough day today?”

“He was just off all day. He had a tough day all around, not listening, had a hard time paying attention, he was fooling around.”

I looked over at Brady who still had his arms crossed and was looking away. “I’m sorry, we’ll work on that for Monday. Come on Brady, time to go.”

“Don’t forget your present,” Mrs. Little said before handing Brady what I assume to be the Father’s Day gift he made for Justin. He took it from her hand but threw it in the trashcan before running out of the room.

I felt a tear escape down my face and quickly wiped it away before grabbing the present out of the trash. “I’m sorry,” I said to his teacher, “We’re having… a bit of a hard time.” I rushed out of the room, past the other mothers who were standing there in shock. Sorry, I don’t have control over my son like you perfect Stepford wives. My son does not know how to behave because he does not have a father and the father figure he once had decided a few days ago that he couldn’t stick around because Mommy’s crazy.

Brady was sitting on the bench outside of the main office with his head buried in his legs. I sat down next to him and pulled him on my lap, hugging him tightly. He’s crying a little and I’m joining right in with him. I don’t care if we’re causing a scene; we both need to get it out.

“Aren’t you gonna yell at me for being bad?”

“No,” I answered simply as I leaned my head against his back.

“Well I didn’t want my present cause I’m not gonna see Justin anymore so I don’t need it.”

Chip, chip, my heart is being chipped away. “You worked hard on it though Monkey. We can send it to him.”

“I don’t wanna though.”

“OK, we don’t have to. I just don’t think we should throw it away.”

“Maybe I can give it to him. We could go swimming at his house or we could go fishing again. Justin said he’d take me fishing again Mommy.” He’s really pleading with me as if he tries hard enough I might actually let him. If only it were up to me, I’d let Brady go fishing or swimming with Justin whenever he wants.

“I don’t think that’s going to happen sweetie. But we have a pool at our place and I can take you fishing some time.”

“Justin’s pool is better and funner and you’re scared of the fishies.”

“I don’t have to be scared of them. I’ll be brave.” I promised as I stood up and grabbed onto his hand, “Let’s get going so we can stop at Blockbuster and get a movie. I think tonight we’re going to order pizza and eat some popcorn and I’ll even let you pick the movie. Sound good?”

Brady just shrugged as a response, there’s no way pizza and a movie are going to cheer him up. That used to solve all the problems in the world but I guess this is a bigger problem than we’ve ever had before. I’m not giving up that easy though; I’ll keep trying to find something to cheer him up until I do. There has to be something that’ll do the trick.

“Hey Brady, how was school?” Tiny asked as soon as we made it to the car. Brady didn’t answer him; instead he just sat with his arms crossed and his head down. “Not doing so well huh?” he asked me.

I shook my head, “He had a tough day. We’re going to stop and get a movie.”

I had to pick a movie at the store since Brady was hardly in the mood to choose. He’s hardly in the mood to do anything. Tiny left us alone that night so we could have some Mommy Brady time.

“What do you want to do tomorrow?” I asked as I handed him a piece of pizza. He sat on the couch and placed the plate in his lap without answering. “Maybe we can go to the Bouncy Room.”

“I don’t wanna.”

“We could go to the zoo.”

“No, I don’t wanna.”

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I can’t take it anymore. I can’t just sit here and watch Brady be so depressed. It’s a Saturday, he’s supposed to be happy and have fun. All he wants to do is sit on the couch and look at the television. He doesn’t even know what’s going on. I’ve never had him watch Sponge Bob and not laugh, but I guess there is a first time for everything. It’s breaking my heart that I can’t figure out some way to cheer him up. I learned my lesson and will not let him get close to another man again, but I need to figure out a way to fix the mistakes I’ve already made.

I called Kelly and asked her to watch Brady for a couple hours today so I can go find Justin. I don’t know what I’m going to say when I see him but I don’t really have time to figure it out. All I know is that he shouldn’t have left the way he did and he needs to talk to Brady. It’s not fair that he left this whole thing on me.

“Kelly wants to take you swimming Monkey. She hasn’t seen you in awhile,” I said as I rubbed some sunscreen on Brady’s back.

“I don’t wanna go swimming Mommy.”

“You love swimming. Babe, I know it’s hard but we need to move on. Kelly misses you bunches.”

Brady took a deep breath and crossed his arms over his chest. “Fine but I’m not gonna have fun.”

“I really wish you would try to have a little fun. Just a little bitty tiny bit of fun. Can you try for me?”

“Fine,” he answered softly.

“Thank you,” I said as I messed up his hair and kissed his forehead.  If he would just focus on something other than being mad at the world I really think he could get over this.

“Where is this Brady kid?” I heard Kelly’s voice as we walked into the living room, “I’ve missed you so!” Brady waved at her but plopped on the couch instead of running into her arms like he would have normally done. “How are you doing Chloe?”

“Good,” I lied as I fell into her arms. Sometimes a hug really works wonders. “Thanks for this.”

“Of course, I’m ready for some Brady time. Are you ready buddy?”

He nodded his head and grabbed onto Kelly’s hand before saying goodbye to me and following her outside.

Tiny watched me carefully; I really don’t want to have to deal with him right now. “Can you please go with him?”

“Where will you be going?” he asked with his arms crossed over his chest. Sometimes I feel like he thinks he’s my mother. I am an adult; I sure as hell do not have to tell him what I’m doing with my time. I know he’s here to help and he’s just doing his job but it doesn’t seem fair that Justin can still have this control over me when he wants nothing to do with us.

“Nowhere. I just need some time alone. Please Tiny, it makes me nervous when Brady is out there all alone.”

He looked me over carefully, trying to figure out how honest I was being with him. “Alright, you better stay in this apartment Chloe, if I find out you left…”

“I know Dad, thank you.”

I waited a few minutes after he left before I snuck out. Tiny will be upset when he finds out I left but I need to talk to Justin and since he’s not answering his phone when I call this is the only solution I can think of. It’s not like I’m doing anything dangerous, no one is going to get hurt.

Luckily I still know the code so I could get in the gate at Justin’s house because he was not about to answer the door. I knocked for what seemed like hours without anyone coming to the door. “Justin!” I cried out, tears starting to fall down my face, “Justin! Talk to me! You can’t even talk to me?”

I continued banging and crying, feeling myself reach my all time low. I am not the kind of girl that bangs on a man’s door in hysterics. This is not me. When the door finally opened it took me a few seconds to wipe my cloudy eyes and see Trace standing in the doorway. “Chloe? What’s wrong sweetie? Are you alright?”

“No, I need Justin. I need to talk to him. Please just let me talk to him, just once and then I’ll leave. I promise.”

“He’s not here.”

“Don’t lie to me! He is here, his car’s here and he has to be here.”

“He’s not here Chloe, trust me I would tell you. He went home for a couple days to clear his mind.”

“To clear his mind? What about me? Don’t I get a chance to clear my mind? I don’t know what to do Trace, I don’t know what to do. He just left and didn’t even tell Brady. And Brady is absolutely miserable and he’s not himself. All he does is talk about how much he misses Justin and he doesn’t understand why he left. He thinks it’s because he jumped on him and woke him up the day he left. It’s not fair; I can’t just sit back and watch my son go through this! I don’t know what to do! He’s so depressed. Justin, I told him from the beginning that I didn’t want him to get close to Brady for this exact reason, but he did anyway. He didn’t listen to me because he said he wouldn’t do anything to hurt me or to hurt Brady and I need to trust him. Do you know how hard it is for me to trust people Trace? Almost impossible but I found it somewhere inside me to trust him even though I shouldn’t have because look where it got me. I don’t know what to do Trace. I need someone to tell me what to do.”

“I’m sorry Chloe,” Trace said before pulling me into a tight hug. I’m crying in his arms like a complete loser but I can’t help it. I used to be strong but the fact that I’m here crying in Justin’s best friend’s arms make me realize that I’m clearly not anymore. “I don’t know what to say. I’ll call Justin; I’ll let him know you stopped by. I know he’s having a hard time dealing with everything as well.”

“Then what is he doing? What’s the point?”

“I don’t know.” Trace answered honestly. When even your best friend has no idea what’s going through your head that has to be a sign. Where did he get the idea from? It makes absolutely no sense to anybody.

“Brady’s like a different kid. You know what he’s like. He’s not smiling or laughing anymore. He’s acting up in school and he’s in his own world just sitting around doing nothing.  It’s killing me Trace, I don’t know what to do.”

“Justin doesn’t want to hurt you guys, that’s the last thing he wants to do. I guarantee you that he doesn’t know how much he is. I’m going to talk to him and we’ll get everything straightened out.”

“I just want him to talk to Brady. It’s not fair that he just snuck out while he was at school. He should have talked to him first. It’s not fair that he left it all on me.”

“I know, I’ll talk to him.”

“Thank you,” I pulled away from him and wiped my eyes. “I’m sorry I’m taking it out on you.”

“It’s cool, I get it. I’ll talk to Justin. Stay strong sweetie, you’ve been through a lot, just keep your head up. It’ll get easier.”

I’m so sick of everybody always telling me things will get easier. When my mom died that’s what everyone said to me, it’ll get easier. It doesn’t get easier. It’s always there, there’s just more shit piled on top of it to make it feel like it’s not as important.

I took the long way home so I could make sure I got myself straightened out before I saw everyone. It’s one thing to show my weakness to Trace, someone I don’t know that well, but I absolutely cannot be weak like that in front of Brady. He needs to think that I’m strong; he needs to see that we can get through this. I made it back to the apartment with twenty minutes to spare before they came home.

“Did you have fun?” I asked Brady who ignored me completely and went right into his room. “How was he?”

“He wouldn’t go swimming. He didn’t even want any ice cream.”

“Thanks for trying.”

Kelly nodded her head, “I’ll do whatever I can. Call me if you need me.”

Tiny left for the night and I got Brady ready for bed. He didn’t want to stay up and watch a movie or play a game before bed. I even tried to offer him ice cream again but it wasn’t going to happen.  He’s never been one to turn down ice cream. Even when my mother died ice cream was able to cheer him up.

It was almost midnight when I called Kelly to come back over. I need to keep myself busy.  The thought of Justin sending us money when he doesn’t want to be part of our lives makes me sick. I need to make my own money. If he doesn’t want to be in my life then he won’t be. I’m not going to be his charity case.

I know this isn’t the smartest move for me, but it’s the only way I know how to make money. I’ll do it the right way this time. I’ll save up money and then we can move. It doesn’t have to be somewhere far away, but it’ll be a nicer apartment in a nicer area. That way when Brady gets kicked out of his school, which I’m sure is going to happen any day now, I won’t have to send him to the horrible neighborhood school around here.

“I don’t know about this,” Kelly said when she came in.

“No judgments Kel. I need to make some money.”

“How are you going to explain this to Brady when he gets older?”

“I think he’d rather have food on the table than worry about how it got there. Please Kel, these past few days have been hard enough I really don’t need a lecture.”

“I know, that’s why I’m here. Anything I can do to help. Just be careful, all right? Come right home.”

“I will,” I hugged her and kissed her cheek, “Thanks Kel.”