The days are starting to run together.  I take Brady to school and then come home and spend the day in bed. Then I wake up, pick him up, help him with his homework and play with him for a couple hours before dinner and putting him to bed. Then Kelly comes over the nights she can and I go to the club, get home around four, shower and clean up the house before waking up Brady and doing it all over again.

The mood around the house is quite drab. I’m trying really hard to smile and pretend I’m happy for Brady’s sake but it’s not really working. He’s been driving me absolutely crazy. In school he’s been in trouble every day, he hasn’t gotten a green smiley face all week. When he comes home he gives me more trouble than he ever has before. I really wish Justin would have at least said goodbye.

“Mommmmyyyyy!!!! The sink won’t stop dripping! It’s broken and it’s bothering me!”

I took a deep breath and walked away from the stove where I was cooking dinner and looked at the sink. I don’t know exactly what I’m going to do to it; I sure as hell don’t have any idea how to fix a dripping faucet. “It’s fine Brady.”

“No suh, it’s not fine! Cause it’s bothering me and I can’t concentrate!” I didn’t know he had to focus so hard and concentrate on television. I’m just going to ignore it because I definitely don’t have the strength to yell at him anymore.  “If Justin was here he’d be able to fix it. But noooooooo Justin’s not here no more.”

“Well, good thing I’m here, kiddo. I can fix it too.” Tiny said as he walked into the kitchen. He does tend to swoop in and save the day whenever he can. I’m thankful he’s still here but I’m worried Brady’s going to get too close to him and then he’s going to leave too. It’s only a matter of time until he moves on.

“No you can’t! Justin would do it better, he does everything better.”

“Alright, enough Brady. Enough. I can’t take it anymore. You need to stop.  Justin is not here anymore. I know it’s hard for you and you miss him, but we need to move on.  We need to do the right thing and we need to stop being bad in school because Justin doesn’t like it when you act like that. And if he found out how you’ve been acting recently how do you think he’d feel? He’d be very sad.”

“I don’t care if he’d be sad! I want him to be sad cause he makes me sad!” he screamed and ran into his room. 

I didn’t think Brady would be over everything by now, but I also didn’t think he’d be taking it this bad. He’s too young to have to be going though all this. I could kill myself for putting him through it. I took a deep breath and went back to the stove to stir the spaghetti sauce before wiping the few tears falling down my face. I never thought we would ever get this attached to someone that we’d be this messed up when he left. After my mom died I swore that I’d never get close to anyone again because it hurts too much when they’re not with you anymore. Why didn’t I stick to that?

“You’re doing good Chloe, it’ll get easier.”

“Thanks for all your help,” I answered softly. I’m not exactly sure what else I should say. We would definitely be even more fucked up than we are now if he wasn’t here. It’s scary to think that’s possible.

After I finished dinner I went to Brady’s room and knocked on the door gently. “Hey Monkey,” I said softly before climbing into bed with him and pulling him on my lap. “Do you think maybe we should talk about why you’re so sad?” He shook his head as a response. “Are you sad because you miss Justin?”

“I don’t even miss him no more. I’m mad at him.”

“I don’t think you should be mad at him.”

“Yeah huh, cause he just left. I didn’t even do nothing. I jumped on him and I woke him up but that don’t mean he gotta leave. He didn’t even say he was mad or I woulda said I was sorry.”

Why does he keep blaming himself? It’s not fair that he feels like this is all his fault. “Brady, it has nothing to do with you. It’s just between Justin and Mommy. Sometimes Mommy’s make friends and then stuff happens and they stop coming around so much. I’m very sorry but that’s what happened. It’s not your fault, it has nothing to do with you.”

“Well, I’m still mad at him. Cause he told me we’d go fishing again, and not even at that place we went last time. He said he’d take me to his Mama’s house and we could go fishing on a real boat. And he said there’s froggies and turtles and a swing that you can jump into the water.”

“We can find a lake with frogs and turtles too sweetie.”

“And a swing?”

“We’ll look. I’m sure there’s a swing somewhere we can find.”

“And we never got to find the dinosaurs either. He said he’s take us.”

“We can still go on dinosaur hunts. Just because we don’t have the Jurassic Park car doesn’t mean anything. I bet we’ll even find more dinosaurs because they won’t recognize the car like they would recognize Justin’s.”

“I don’t like your car though. It makes noises and it’ll scare them away.”

I had to laugh at that, even if it was only for a second. “It’s not that loud Monkey. We’ll get it fixed. Are you ready for dinner?”

Brady nodded his head, “I’m hungry.”

“Good. I’m glad we had a nice talk. We need to talk about our feelings more, all right? I love you sweetie.”

“I love you too Mommy.”

Surprisingly Brady was in a good mood for the rest of the night. I don’t want to get my hopes up because I’m sure it’s only a temporary thing but I feel a huge sense of relief. I’m really worried about him. I know how important these young years are to his development and I’m really scared I’m going to screw him up to the point of no return.  After dinner we played a game of Mouse Trap, he’s still not ready to break out the Hungry Hungry Hippos. I’m sure he’s not going to be back to normal but I think we’re making some steps.

After I put him to bed I decided to take some time and try to relax. I grabbed myself a bowl of ice cream and plopped down in front of the television.  It was a few minutes later when there was a knock on the door. My heart stopped beating for a second since I’m not expecting anybody and Tiny had already left for the night. I checked the peephole before opening the door and let out a sigh of relief when I saw Kelly standing out there.

“Hey.” I gave her a confused look. I don’t think I asked her to come over tonight. I’ve been going to the club just about every night and I was thinking I’d take a night off. It’s not as bad as I thought it would be. I’m not doing anything I don’t want to do, that’s for damn sure. I’ve definitely learned my lesson with that. It’s much easier when you just think of it as a job that needs to get done and a way to make money. And I am making money, a lot of it in fact and if I keep it up I’ll be able to pay Justin back in no time.

“Hey,” Kelly smiled as a response and walked right past me before plopping on the couch.

“What’s up?”

“Am I early?” she asked before looking at her watch, “Aren’t you going?”

It’s weird for her to just show up without me having to ask her. She’s definitely not the person that thinks what I’m doing is a good idea; I never thought she’d willingly show up without me having to beg. “I didn’t know you were coming.”

“It’s Thursday, I just assumed. I thought Thursday was a busy night, college night right?”

“Yeah,” I nodded my head. She’s right; Thursday is usually a busy night. Plus with the college crowd it’s a lot easier, they don’t pay as much but there’s more guys so I don’t have to do as much and I still get the same amount, if not more. “Are you sure you don’t mind?”

“Of course not, I’m already here. Have fun, darling.”

“Thank you. Thanks for all your help, you’re a lifesaver.”

“Of course hunny, that’s what I’m here for. Saving lives one at a time.”

“Shut up,” I laughed and hugged her before grabbing my things, “Thanks Kel.”

That’s two times I’ve laughed today, the first time since at least last week. Maybe things will actually work out. I hate to jinx it, but I’m beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel. It’s obviously still hard, but we might be able to get through it in one piece. The court cause with Gabe is next week. Once we get through that we might be all right. 

It was crowded at the club, the usual for a Thursday night. I know a lot of the girls hate College Night but I think it’s much easier. The guys don’t have as much money but that means they can’t afford so much. There are hardly any privates, for the most part all I do is dance on the stage or go around and talk to the guys with a couple lap dances thrown in. The best is just talking to them, sometimes you get money just to sit and flirt. It’s much easier.

You could imagine my surprise when I was told I had a private. I’ve had my share of privates since Justin but I knew there was something different about this one. I could feel it in the pit of my stomach. When I walked in and saw Justin sitting in his chair I froze in my steps. He was sitting there like he always sat there but he had his arms crossed over his chest and he was glaring at me. Like he has any right to be mad at me.

“No,” I shook my head and immediately felt the tears. Why the fuck am I crying? I’m supposed to be strong, or at least act like I’m strong and I don’t need him.  “No, you don’t get to be here. What are you doing here?”

“What are you doing here is the question Chloe,” he stood up and walked closer to me but I moved away.

“No, that’s not the question. The question is what the fuck are you doing here Justin? Trying to find your new girlfriend?”

“Don’t fucking, give me that shit Chloe. What the fuck are you doing here?” he paced around the room, running his hands through his hair nervously.

“What do you think I’m doing here? I’m working. And I’m definitely not working for you so you need to leave.”

Justin took a deep breath before responding calmly, “Why are you here Chloe? I’ll give you money, I’ll give you anything you need, I’ve told you that.”

“You can’t give me money. I’m not your charity case. You want nothing to do with us so you have nothing to do with us. Leave. We’re not your problem anymore.”

“When did I ever say I wanted nothing to do with you guys? I said I still wanted to take care of you guys I want to help you any way that I can.”

“Well that’s bullshit and you can’t have both. You made your choice so leave us alone, ok? Just leave me alone.”

Justin looked to the ground so he wouldn’t have to look at me crying. I don’t know why he’s here. He can’t control what I do and not want to be with me. It doesn’t work like that.  “How’s Brady?”

“No, you don’t ever get to ask me about him again. You know we don’t talk about him here.”

“Then let’s go. Let me take you home and we’ll talk about it.”

“No, fuck you. We don’t get to just leave because you don’t want me here. I’m here; you need to get over it. I’m making money, I’m doing my job and you can’t just swoop in and take me away like Prince Charming. You’re not Prince Charming.”

“Chloe come on, I want to talk to you.”

“Why? Because I’m here? Because Trace called you and told you what a fucking mess I am? Well I’m not anymore. I’m ok, we’re doing better and I don’t want you to come in and fuck it up again. “

“That’s not fair.”

“It’s not fair? Don’t talk to me about what’s fair. It’s not fair that you just decided out of nowhere while Brady was at school that you wanted nothing to do with us. It’s not fair that you went home to your mother and left me alone to try and deal with my heart being broken and trying to explain to a five year old why the man he’s looked up to for the past year has just disappeared. I have to try and deal with my own heart being broken while you’re home getting babied by your mother and I’m trying so hard to hold it together enough for my son so he doesn’t see his Mommy cry. While you’re hiding on the other side of the country with your mother. It’s not fair that I can’t do that. It’s not fair that I’m stuck to deal with this all and I don’t have anyone that I can run away to make me feel better. You were the one that I could run to and you’re the one that’s fucking running away from me. It’s not fair that I told you from the beginning that I didn’t want you to get close to Brady because I knew; I fucking knew that this would happen. I knew he would get attached to you and I knew you’d leave. And you promised me that you wouldn’t do that, you wouldn’t hurt us. But you did, you fucking put yourself into our lives after I told you not to. You wedged yourself in Justin; you just pushed and pushed until we let you. You were mad that I had so many walls up but you know why. And guess what? Now there’s like a million more fucking walls up and it’s your fault. That’s what’s not fair. Don’t give me any bullshit about what’s not fair for you. It’s not fair that I have to wake up every day and watch my son be completely miserable because the one man he ever loved in his life has left him without even saying goodbye. It’s not fair that I have to go into school every afternoon and try to explain to the teacher that Brady will stop acting up even though I know he won’t because I know I have no control over what he does. You don’t see his face; you didn’t see his face when I had to tell him you weren’t coming back. You didn’t see his face when his teacher made him take the Father’s Day present he made you and he threw it in the trash.  All because you took the coward way out and just fucking left.  It’s one thing to leave me, and that’s fine Justin, it’s fine. But you shouldn’t have just left him without an explanation. He thinks you left because he jumped on you that morning and woke you up. That’s what he thinks. Is that fair Justin? Is it fucking fair?”

He didn’t answer me right away and I didn’t give him much time to, I ran out of the room.  I’m now bawling crying in my fucking lingerie looking like a complete wreck. People are watching me; I could feel so many eyes on me. I felt Justin’s hand grab my arm and pulled away, “Don’t touch me. You don’t get to ever touch me again.”

“I’m sorry.” He spoke softly but I pulled away from him and headed to the back, “Would you listen to me? I’m sorry!” he called back causing me to stop. Now I know everybody is watching us. People are whispering I’m sure because the recognize Justin but I’m not about to stand here and put on a show for everyone, “Let me take you home.”

“I don’t want to go home.”

         “Well let me take you somewhere. Let’s get something to eat.”

“I’m not hungry.”

 “Come on Chloe, I’m fucking trying here. I’m sorry. I screwed up, I did it wrong. I want to talk to you about Brady and about everything and we can’t do it here. Please, just let me buy you coffee.”

         I looked around to see all the eyes and would give anything to get away from the audience. “I’m not letting you back in.”

         “I’m not asking you to. Just coffee. Please.”

         “Just coffee.”