This is what is called awkward. Whoever came up with the word had this exact situation in mind. I’m sitting in a booth across from Justin looking at a menu as if it has the secret to life written on the pages. We’re at a Denny’s, yes a Denny’s, because it’s three o’clock in the morning and nothing else is even remotely close to being open. I doubt Justin has ever set foot in a Denny’s. I’m not saying he’s a snob, but he looks very uncomfortable sitting in this booth.
The waitress made her way over to us, chewing her gum and not looking up at us even once, “What can I getcha?”
“We’re just going to have coffee.” Justin spoke for me.
“I’ll have the All American Slam, with American cheese instead.”
He looked at me while handing the menus to the waitress, “Let me get some French toast then. Thank you.” He licked his lips and tapped his fingers against the table. Awkward. “I thought you weren’t hungry. “ That doesn’t deserve an answer so I’m just going to give him a dirty look. “I was kidding, I’m trying to find some humor in the situation.”
“Well good luck trying to find some fucking humor Justin.” I don’t know why I’m even here, oh yeah because he was making a scene at the club and it was the only way to get him to stop. “Who told you I was there?”
“Kelly.”
“Ugh, I’ll kill her.” I fucking knew something shady was going on. Why else would she just pop up at my place and tell me to go to the club when she usually hates that I go there. I don’t know why everyone feels the need to get so involved in what I do with my life.
“Why would you kill her? She’s a good friend, she’s just looking out for you.”
“Yeah, a good friend.” I answered sarcastically. A good friend wouldn’t trick me like that. “She’s your good friend now too, huh?”
He took a deep breath before answering, “Yeah, I guess she us. Because I had to call her a hundred times when you ran away to Vegas without telling anyone.”
“Just like I had to call Trace a hundred times when you ran away?”
That shut him up for a second, only a second though it could have been longer. “That’s different.”
“Yeah, you’re right it’s very different. I didn’t leave a five year old without any explanation.”
“Alright, let’s talk about it then.” Justin looked directly in my eye. He’s getting pissed now but I don’t even care, “I didn’t leave anyone without an explanation.”
“Oh, you didn’t? I must have missed that conversation you had with Brady. Obviously he did too since he’s been asking me where you are since you ran away.”
“I didn’t run away Chloe. I went home for a couple days, there’s a difference.”
“What’s the difference? You left.”
“And I came back, didn’t I? I’m here.” He’s raising his voice now; people are starting to look over.
“Yeah, you’re here because you don’t want me at the club.”
“That makes me a complete asshole. Huh? Because I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to be dancing and taking off your clothes for a couple dollars.”
“No, you’re an asshole because you want control over me but you don’t want to be with me. You want to tell me what I can and can’t do but you want nothing to do with me. You can’t have both.”
“You know damn well that you do not want to be there,” he leaned forward so I could hear him loud and clear without having to raise his voice. “You know damn well. I don’t know why you’re there, to piss me off maybe and it’s working. It’s fucking working. It’s one thing if it’s your fucking dream job, but it’s not. You’re better than that Chloe, and you fucking know it.”
“I don’t go there to piss you off.”
“Then why do you go there?”
“To make money Justin! How many times do I have to tell you the same shit? To make MONEY! I don’t make all my life decisions based on how you would react.”
“I’ll give you money. You know that, I’ll give you as much money as you need. I’ll buy you a fucking house on the hills.”
“Did it ever occur to you that maybe I wasn’t with you for your money? Did you ever think that maybe I don’t want you to pay for everything and I don’t want to live off you?” Great. Now my eyes are getting all watery.
“Come on, I never said that. I didn’t mean it like that.” He answered softly before placing his hand on mine.
I pulled my hand out from under his and wiped my eyes before the tears were too noticeable. “Look, I really don’t need to talk to you. I’m just here for Brady.”
The waitress threw the food in front of us and quickly walked away, leaving us alone once again. I kind of wish she could have stayed longer, in fact I’ll scoot over if she wants to sit down and join us. Maybe that will help the situation a little.
Justin poured some syrup over his French toast before speaking, “I didn’t know it would hurt him so much. You know I love the kid like he’s my own, I wouldn’t do anything to purposely hurt him. I’ll talk to him if you want, if that will make it easier. I’ll do anything to make it easier.”
“He doesn’t want to talk to you. I’m not letting you back in our lives that easily.”
“I know. I don’t want you to. I’m just saying if you need me to talk to him I will. I know I messed it up and I should have talked to him before I left. But if you need me to try and talk to him I will.”
“I don’t know what you’re saying.” I answered honestly. I get that he’s saying he’ll talk to Brady but it’s a little too late for that. But he’s not really saying he’s coming back, is he? It’s not that I’d necessarily let him back but he doesn’t even want to come back. I think he’s saying even if I let him back he wouldn’t want to come back.
“I’m saying there’s no need for us to just be done completely. I mean if you need me I’m still here, I’ve told you that. I want to help you guys, just because we’re not together anymore doesn’t mean I don’t want anything to do with you.”
Now I’m crying and there’s not really any stopping it. What he’s saying is that he came here and chased me down to tell me he doesn’t want me stripping and to tell me that he’s here if I need him. He doesn’t want me back; he certainly isn’t saying he made a mistake in leaving. He’s saying he’s still here, if I need someone to watch Brady or if I need some help paying rent he’s here.
I’m definitely not hungry now.
“That’s really good to know.” I answered softly before standing up and making my way outside. I knew I should have taken my own fucking car. Why didn’t he let me just meet him here? Sure, I probably would have gone home instead but still. Now I’m stuck here trying to even remember how to get back to the club.
“Where are you going?” I felt Justin’s arm on my wrist.
“Home. I’m trying to go to my car. Can you just point me in the right direction?”
“Come on, get in the car.”
I didn’t really have much of a choice. If I were to walk back to the club it would take me weeks, especially since I have no idea where we are. I followed him to his car without saying anything and we drove back to the club in silence.
He parked next to my car but grabbed onto my hand before I could get out. “I still think some of your shit is coming back and you need to get it straightened out. I still think I’m messing you up more than I’m helping you. I’m so sorry I went about it the way that I did. I didn’t think Brady was that attached, I’m sorry he’s having a hard time. But I’m sticking to what I said before. I don’t know what to do, but I’m still around. I’ll talk to him if you think that will help. I’ll take him fishing or whatever, I can watch him if you want. I don’t want to make things harder for you guys, that’s the last thing I want to do. I’m sorry you don’t have your mom anymore. I know how hard that is for you but you’re strong Chloe and you need to realize how strong you are. There’s other people in your life that are there for you to lean on, you need to use them. Nobody’s expecting you to do everything yourself. Kelly’s there, she’ll do anything for you guys. You don’t need to try and do everything yourself. I want to help you as much as I can but I can’t be your crutch. I’m telling you this because I care about you and I care about Brady, probably more than I should. I’m really sorry if he’s giving you a hard time. He’s a good kid, he’s strong, and he’s got his head on straight. He’s going to be ok. You raised him better than you think you did. But like I said, I’m here if you want me to talk to him. I’m not trying to say I that I don’t want anything to do with you guys because I couldn’t do that if I tried. I just want you to get your life figured out, and working at this damn strip club isn’t it.”
I left as soon as he let go of my hand. He doesn’t make any sense. I don’t even get what he’s talking about when he says he’s messing me up more than he’s helping me. It doesn’t make sense. I feel like this weird sense of hope. Like he just shows up here and takes me away and then tells me he doesn’t want to come back. He’s not taking back any of the shit he said, in fact he’s feeling it even more. I need to get myself figured out is what he’s saying. He won’t tell me how, or even point me in the right direction. I don’t fucking understand what he’s saying.
I don’t know.
I don’t fucking have any idea what the hell is going on in my life. I don’t get it. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with Brady and I want someone to give me some answers. That’s the most important thing. He’s my damn son and I don’t know what I’m doing. I should know by now, he’s five years old. What kind of a mother am I that doesn’t know how to handle her own son? What kind of a mother am I that makes my son go through all the shit I’ve made him go through. And Justin doesn’t get it. He doesn’t understand what he did. He doesn’t get how much he hurt Brady. He thinks taking him fishing will solve everything. Why would I let him take Brady fishing? So he can get Brady all excited that he’s back and then try to tell him the shit he’s trying to tell me? I can’t deal with the false sense of hope, and there’s one damn thing I know for sure. Neither can Brady.
