I let all thoughts of what happened earlier leave my mind and I focus on having a great time with my family and friends. I loved how well my mom and sister got along with Justin, Trace and Elisha. It made me feel like I can meld my two families together. It starts to get late and we all have to get up for something or another. Before Justin leaves he asks can we talk alone. I don’t really want to talk with him because I feel he is going to ask me about what was going on earlier when he got here and why I was so distant. I take him up to my room and close the door. When I face him he is smiling.

“What are you smiling about?” I ask completely confused.

“Your room is exactly how I imagined it.” He says taking a seat at my desk

I walk over to my bed and sit down. “I hope that’s not bad.”

“No it’s just classic I guess you could say.”

“So what did you want to talk about?” I ask having a pretty good idea where this conversation is going.

“Well I’ve been thinking a lot and I know you could tell something was on my mind when we got to the hotel this afternoon. I just…. Tink I really care about you and I didn’t think that I was going to feel this deeply for you.,,,,,”

He gets quite and I wonder what he’s think because this conversation doesn’t seem to be going in the direction I thought it was. Suddenly he blurts it out.

“I love you Tink.” He says.

I am thrown way into left field with that one. Did he just say that he loved me? Suddenly my chest starts to tighten and I feel like I can’t breathe.

“Tink?”

I hear him talking but I can’t say anything. Every time I go to say something I start gasping for air. Am I seriously hyperventilating?

I hear Justin yell for somebody to come help him. “Come on Tink I need you to take slow deep breaths.” When I look up I see the worry in his eyes and then I see my mom come in. Panic written all over her face.

“Angelina, honey you need to calm down and breathe. Think about the pond your dad and I use to take you to to feed the ducks.” She says.

I can feel my self-relaxing some. Slowly my breathing returns to normal. “I’m fine. I’m sorry I scared everybody.” I reply sheepishly.

My mothers eyes Justin for a moment. I can tell what she’s thinking and I don’t want her to think that my attack was his fault. “Mom he didn’t do anything. I was stressing before

he came in and just let something’s get to me. He was trying to help mom.” I stress all this because I don’t want the impression she has gotten of him to diminish.

“Ok honey I believe you, but maybe you should say goodnight to your company and get some rest.” She suggests.

“I will mom I just want to finish talking to Justin please.” She smiles at me and everybody starts to leave the room. “Hey J we’ll be in the car when you’re ready.” Trace says as he closes the door.

“Well that wasn’t the effect my words were suppose to have on you.” Justin tries to laugh the uneasiness away.

“I’m sorry.” I say softly.

“Don’t apologize. I’m just glad that you’re ok. Does that happen often?” He asks a little hesitantly.

“What the panic attack I just had? I use to have them a lot after my dad died. I would wake up in the middle of the night and start hyperventilating. The doctor said once I came to terms with his death I would be fine and he was right. I haven’t had one in years.”

“So did me saying that trigger that?”

“Justin I just… I wasn’t expecting that.” I’m quite for a moment. “I think I’m going to stay here tonight.” I say trying to change the subject.

Justin just stands there and nods his head. I know that wasn’t the reaction he was expecting or hoping for. He comes toward me and kisses my forehead before he says his goodbye and heads to the car.

What kind of mess have I created for myself?

Justin continued to stare at the ceiling. He knew he should be sleep but tonight it was defiantly evading him. He wasn’t sure what he expected Angelina to say after he confessed his feelings but he wasn’t expecting her to completely dismiss him. Was he coming on to strong? Was she trying to find a way to let him down easy? What was she really thinking? He sat up and turned on the TV trying to get his mind off all the thoughts swimming around in his head.

After watching an episode of I Love Lucy he tired again to go to sleep. Unfortunately for him all he could think about was what Angelina was doing, if she was ok. Angelina was just on his mind. As usual he called the one person he could talk to no matter what.

“Justin is everything ok?” His mother answered in a panicked tone.

“Everything’s fine mom. I’m just having an emotional moment. I’m sorry if I scared you.”

She takes a deep breath before she says anything else. “Ok hun what’s on your mind?”

“I guess I’m just frustrated about something’s right now. I went to meet Angelina’s family tonight.”

“Oh I remember you telling me something about that. How did it go?” Lynn asked.

“It went good. I think her mother really likes me and her sister is a sweet heart. I guess I was just concerned because Angelina was very distant with me all night and then she had a panic attack.”

“A panic attack? What happened?” Lynn asked in surprise.

“Well we were talking. Actually that was why I was calling you. I told Angelina that I love her and she had a panic attack. I’m not sure if it was my fault or not. I mean she says it wasn’t but I don’t know what to think with her behavior this evening.” Justin sighs.

“Well honey you all are just coming off of a strange time and you come out and tell her that you love her. She probably feels over whelmed. I know I would.”

Justin sighs and thinks about that for a moment. He had to admit all of these feelings and confessions came on pretty strong and quick. If truth be told he knew he would feel the same way. But it’s hard to think like that when you’re the one that’s pouring out your heart.

“I guess you’re right mom. This did come way out of left field. I just wanted to hear that she feels the same way.” Justin said a little disappointed.

“I understand honey but you don’t know that she doesn’t feel that way. Once again she just needs time to process her feelings. Give her what she needs Justin.”

After a few more words he and his mother were off the phone and once again Justin was staring at the ceiling. His heart felt a bit lighter enough for him to fall asleep but not enough to get Angelina out of his mind.

Next day…… 

I’m late. I finally got to sleep about 4:30 this morning only to have to get up at 7 and meet everybody at the radio station unfortunately I didn’t make it at all. It’s now 11:50 and I am just now pulling up to the arena with my hair in a ponytail sunglasses on and a deep need for some caffeine. As I’m walking up to the gate I see a familiar person standing up against the wall.

“I don’t have time for this Toni!” I say irritated.

She starts to run after me. “I know. You’re late and I know that that might be partly my fault. So I brought a peace offering.” She hands me a mocha frappachino with a shot of espresso in it. Sometimes I hate that she knows me so well. “I figured you might need that.” She says.

I stare at her for a moment. “Thanks.” I reply and continue walking.

“Angi can we at least talk for a minute?”

I turn around and face her. “You said it your self I’m late. Speaking of which how did you know I was late?” I asked as realization dawns on me.

“Well I heard that Justin was suppose to be doing a radio interview this morning so I figured where ever he was you would be too. So I waited for you but that blond girl that’s always with you guys said you didn’t show up and she wasn’t sure what was going on. I wasn’t about to go to your mom’s house so I figured I would wait for you here. That’s actually the 3rd frap I bought for you. The other 2 melted.”

“What if you had missed me while at Starbucks?” I ask trying to make a joke.

“It was a chance I was willing to take.” She answers.

I sigh. She went trough all that just to talk to me. I’m not sure if I should still be mad and just let her suffer or what. My sensitive heart caves and I let her come in the building with me.

“Listen I need to let them know I’m here so just sit back here and wait for me I’ll be back in a few.” I say heading to the stage where Elisha and Trace are goofing around. When Elisha notices me she jumps off the stage and jogs towards me.

“Hey you ok? You didn’t call and let anybody know what was going on. We were starting to get worried.”

“I’m cool. Just had a bad night couldn’t get to sleep and then I over slept. I didn’t mean to make you guys worry. Listen I just wanted you to know I’m here I’m going to go into one of the dressing rooms and talk to Toni if you guys need me chirp me.” I say grabbing one of the walkie-talkies.

I motion for Toni to follow me and once we get into a quite room we sit and stare at each other for a long moment. Then she finally breaks the silence.

“I’m sorry for the things I said last night. It was way out of line and I do want you to know how sorry I am. I was angry at what you said to me but still that was no excuse.”

This whole thing is driving me crazy. I want to be angry and upset. I know that I still feel guilty but I don’t exactly know how I feel about Toni at this very moment.

“I was irritated last night when I called. I wanted you to leave me alone. I needed to think. I didn’t plan to go to your office and have sex with you. I’m adult enough to say that I made a mistake. Toni we’re barely becoming friends again. I care about you I do but that was a line we shouldn’t have crossed and not only that truth be told I feel like I betrayed Justin.”

“Would you have crossed that line with Justin if it came down to it?” She asks me.

I sigh. “You can’t compare Justin and I to you and I. We have a history together. Justin and I don’t. So for me to feel like what happened between us was a mistake is completely justified.”

“You may feel like it was a mistake but I don’t. I missed you and I still love you Angi. I was stupid for letting you go. I want to be with you. I want to do what I should have done before.”

That’s the second time in 24 hours that phrase has been thrown at me. That’s not to say I don’t believe that it’s true it just a girl can only take so much. I’m actually speechless at the moment when I hear Trace’s voice come over the walkie-talkie.

“Yo Angi, J is looking for you.” Trace says

I sigh. “Ok tell him I’ll be there in a minute.”

“Ok”

Toni is just staring at me. “Where does this leave us Angie?” Toni asks

“I don’t know.” I reply honestly.

“Do you regret it?” She asks.

I think on that for a moment. While I will admit that I feel it was a mistake I don’t think I would honestly take it back.

“No I don’t.” I answer. “Look Toni I need to get to work. I’ve already slacked off work enough today. Thank you for my drink. I’ll see you when I get to New York. Maybe by then I will have come to some type of conclusion about things.”

We hug and I show her out and then make my way over to Justin’s dressing room. I knock on the door and wait for him to say come in. But instead he opens the door for me. I can tell as soon as he looks at me that he got about as much sleep as I did last night. Only difference is that he had people on his ass so he had to get up. He steps aside so I can come in.

“Want a sip?” I joke.

“Nah I don’t think it would do much. Besides I’m more of a Vanilla Bean man.” He laughs some.

I take a seat and he comes and sits next to me. “Tink are we ok? I mean did I completely ruin our friendship by telling you that last night?” He asks panicky.

I look down at my shoes. I open my mouth to say something but nothing comes out. I try again and I’m still stuck. There are so many thoughts swimming around my brain and even more than that I still don’t really know how I feel. I’m conflicted about it.  Finally I find some words to at least somewhat express how I feel.

“Justin, I….” He somewhat cuts me off.

“This can’t be good if you’re calling me by my name.” He says grimly

I sigh. “Justin I have something I need to tell you.”

He sits there waiting intently on what I have to say.

“I had sex with Toni yesterday. I didn’t plan on it or anything it just happened and I know that sounds so cliché but it’s the truth. I was so distant with you last night because I felt guilty about what I did. Hell I still do. But I wasn’t trying to leave you with the impression that I don’t care or that I don’t have any feelings for you. I just feel so stuck right now.”

Justin is just staring at me and I can’t read his expression. He probably hates me and it would be all my own fault. He takes a deep breath before he says anything.

“Why did you tell me that? I mean the part about you and Toni? I really could have done with out that information.” He says. I can’t make out his tone though. He doesn’t sound hurt or mad or disgusted just calm and that is slightly scary.

“I just felt like you should know. It’s been eating away at me since last night.” I reply honestly.

Justin takes my hand. “Tink you don’t owe me any explanation as to what you do or don’t do with Toni. Honestly I wouldn’t want to know anything and would think she wouldn’t want to know what you and I do. We’re not together even though I wish we were. You shouldn’t feel bad about this but it does show what kind of character you have.” He smiles.

I just look at him. “Look Tink maybe I shouldn’t have said anything. Maybe we need to take a big step back and I need to give you the chance to think and figure out what you want.” He says sincerely.

Once again I am thrown into left field. It makes me feel even worse and my chest gets tight again. Have I just ruined a great thing? How can I possibly feel this way and still a part of me wants to be with Toni? This whole damn thing is making me insane. I think I just want to get away from everything for a little while.

“Maybe your right. I don’t want you to think I’m trying to abandon you but I think I need to leave.” I say.

Justin nods his head. “If you feel like you can’t finish out this leg of the tour then that’s fine. I’m sure Trace could take over for you. Give you sometime to get your head together before we start the European leg of the tour. If you feel like we need to just be friends then I will respect that. If you want to continue what we’ve got going then that’s great. I just want you to know and be sure what you want.” He says.

I felt the tears whaling up in my eyes. I couldn’t believe this was happening. I felt like I was in some alternate universe. It was harder to breath, to think, to feel happy. I just felt pain. Like I had fucked up what could be the best thing in my life.

“This seems so unprofessional.” I reply.

Justin looks up at me. “You don’t have to worry about your job Tink. I would never put you or anything you care about in jeopardy.” He says.

I force a smile and get up to head over to him. I’m not sure that it would be right to hug him, but I can’t just leave and not have some type of personal goodbye.

“Justin.” I say, “I am so sorry for all this mess. I never meant to hurt you or leave you like this and I feel horrible about….” He quickly sush’s me by putting his finger over my lips.

“Tink stop apologizing to me. I know you didn’t mean for this to happen and I would rather you walk away now and figure things out than to make a big mistake and hurt someone in the end. I’m not hurt by what you did, but I am sad you need to leave.”

I give Justin a tight hug and head out the dressing room trying to catch my breath so that I don’t break down in tears. I guess this would be my test to see whom I really wanted to be with.