I’m sitting in my room alone. I guess you never realize how lonely you are until you’re alone. I just keep waiting for Justin to walk in the door or call and say lets do something. Even Elisha to say lets go shopping or just to sit and talk to Trace. Unfortunately none of those things are going on around me. Actually Justin and his whole crew left for Europe a week ago. Granted the touring over there doesn’t start for another week management thought it would be a good idea to let him get use to the time change before he started shows.

He called me the night before they left and asked was I going to make it going with them tomorrow but I still wasn’t ready to face him. He understood and told me to come when I was ready. I talked to Toni once since I’ve been home. I suppose I’m just shutting myself out from the outside world. While sitting here deep in thought my doorbell rings.

“Who is it?” I answer

“It’s Derek and Mia.” I hear Mia say I quickly buzz them in and go back to sitting in my favorite chair. After a few minutes my front door opens and I hear them both sigh.

“Ok listen girl you really need to get out of this funk. This is helping no one. All you gotta do is actually face your problems.” Derek says taking a seat across from me.

“Yea Angi. You’re suppose to be in Europe right now sending us postcards and telling us how much fun you’re having. Instead you’re sitting here dwelling on something you can’t change.”

I sigh. “I still don’t know what I’m doing. I feel like I’ve gotten myself caught up in this situation that I can’t control. I know you guys despise Toni, but you have to give her credit for the fact that she didn’t cheat on me. She walked away before that happened. Granted yes it hurt the hell out of me but that doesn’t mean I part of me doesn’t love her anymore. As for Justin I have this intense chemistry with him that I can’t explain and he makes me feel so good and happy. Regardless of if you guys want to hear it or not they both make me happy in their own way.”

“Ok hun that maybe true, but you’re not going to figure out the answers by just sitting here and crying and mopping over it.” Derek tells me and I know he is right.

“So what do you guys recommend I do?” I ask slightly sarcastic.

“Well for starters since you’re taking break form work and getting paid for it cuz of whatever Justin said why don’t you take this time to reevaluate what you and Toni have. You’ve spent all this time with Justin and to be honest I think you know exactly how you feel about him. It’s your feelings for Toni that you’re not sure about. You know how you use to feel but you’re not sure if you’re still holding on to old feelings.” Mia reasons

I actually can’t believe she recommended that. Her and Derek are like the presidents of the we despise Toni club. So for her to say something like just lets me know that she is a really good friend. I smile and her and go over to hug her.

“Ok now that we’ve gotten that out the way what do you say we go out and have a little fun.” Derek says.

I figured today would be as good as any to go ahead and start to see Toni again so I made my way to her office. I think her secretary might have been surprised to see me. Not sure if it’s because no one woman has ever come more than once or what it was. Once she made sure it was ok for me to go in her office I made my way down to the office.

When I walked in she was on the phone with a client. The first thing that I thought was damn she looks sexy when she is doing business. When she sees me she smiles at me and then holds her finger up to let me know she won’t be much longer. I take a seat and look around her office. I notice she has a picture of us on her desk and I reach over to grab it.

When she gets of the phone she sits in her chair across from me and smiles. “I can’t believe you still have this picture.” I reply.

“Why is it so hard to believe? It’s one of my favorite pictures of us. So what brings you down here?” She asks.

I put the picture back and take a breath. “I was just thinking I needed to come and see you. I know that the last time we talked it was rather weird and well you have been good giving me my space.”

She smiled. “So what does that mean exactly? You came to officially tell me you don’t want to see me anymore?” She stated as a joke.

I smiled. “No I thought maybe you would like to come over for dinner tonight.”

Toni’s eyebrow rose. “Seriously you want me to come to dinner at your house?”

I laughed at here expression. “Yes I want you to come over for dinner tonight. I’ll make your favorite.” I answered.

“Ok what time do you want me over there?” She asks and I can hear all the cockiness dripping from her voice.

I laughed again. “How about you get there at 7.”

“Ok, do you need me to bring anything?” She asks

“Nope just you is fine.” I say as I get up. “Well I must leave you now so I can go to the store and take care of some other things. I’ll see you at 7.”

I’m not sure where it came from but it did feel right at that moment. Toni walked me to the door and I kissed her on the lips and she very much returned the kiss. It wasn’t one of those really passionate ones or full of lust but rather simple and sweet. Something that made me smile and then I walked out.

On my way home from the store I decided to call and see how everything was going with the tour. Still not being able to talk to Justin I called Elisha. Who was very excited to hear from me.

“Are you actually done with this tour?” She asked sounding a little disappointed.

I sighed. Elisha and I have formed a very tight bond and I hate to think I was disappointing her. “No. Give me just a little more time. I should be back out there by the second or third week.”

“Ok. That’s good to know.” I could hear the smile she had on her face through the phone. “So are things getting better for you then?” She asked.

“Yea they are. I went out with 2 of my peeps last night and we talked and they got me to thinking about what I need to do. I’ll be all good soon. So how are things going out there?” I ask

“Well, Justin is doing well for the most part but Trace and I can tell he misses you like crazy. You should call him.” She suggests.

“I can’t. Not yet. I’m afraid that if I hear his voice I might break down.” I reply

“Aww Angi. I wish I could help you out on this. I really miss you being here and so does everybody else and I wish that things were working out better.” Elisha tells me.

I almost want to cry but I won’t allow my self to get all emotional again. I finish up my conversation with her as I am pulling into the parking lot of my apartment. When I get in my spot I sit and wonder. Will I actually be able to go back and look at Justin again?

Justin sat in his dressing room thinking about Angelina. He missed her so much, but he didn’t think now would be the best time to call her. The last time they talked was the day of his show in New Jersey. He made sure that even though she wasn’t there that her sister and her sister’s friend were taken care of.

He had to admit to himself he was a tad bit hurt by the fact that she did sleep with Toni, but it wasn’t bothering him so much. What was tugging at his heart was the fact that he was truly in love with Angelina and there was a chance that they would only end up as friends and that the feelings would never be returned.

There was a knock at the door and then Trace came in. “Hey man they’re ready for sound check. Do you need a few more minutes?” He asks.

“Nah man. I’m cool.” Justin smiles.

“Have you even tried to call her at all?” Trace asked as they stepped out of Justin’s dressing room.

“Nope. I told her when she was ready to come to come. I’m not going to pressure her or anything. Just let her take her time and figure things out. Cuz truth be told man I don’t know if I can handle being around her when I know in my heart how I feel.” Justin admitted.

Trace just sighed. He hated seeing his friend in such a position. Even he had to admit that Angelina brought out a great Justin. Justin always seemed so much calmer and at peace. Like Elisha was to him Angelina brought Justin a sense of wholeness.

“I guess I can understand that. Do you think she’s going to come out here? I mean I know she is professional enough to come finish her job, but would you want her too if she did decide to go back to Toni?”

Justin laughed for a minute. “When she first told me about Toni and we actually talked about it all I asked for was a fair chance. I can’t even act like I haven’t had more of an opportunity to win Angelina over. We’ve basically been living together since we talked about it. So if her heart does lead her back to her ex then that’s were she was meant to be and as sappy as this shit is gonna sound all I want is for her to be happy.” Justin said just before they reached the stage.

Trace watched Justin take the mike from the sound guy and jog up on the stage. He had to admire the guy for that. Even when his heart could possibly get ripped out he was thinking about someone else’s happiness.

It was nice having dinner with Toni. Granted she’s still here we had a nice time. No bad memories about the past. Although I guess I have to admit our only tense moment happened when talking about what happened in her office that day.  Which surprisingly enough she waited till now to bring up.

“So was it as good as you remember it?” Toni asked half cocky half truly wondering.

I laughed. “Why do people ask that stupid ass question? Was it good? Was I better than so and so?” I say

“Well I didn’t ask you was I better than anyone. I just want to know if I still got my skills.” Toni said.

I looked at her for a moment. “First off you make it sound like you haven’t had sex in a while and second if you have to ask me then there is a problem.”

“Well I thought you enjoyed it but apparently I was wrong seeing as how you thought it was a mistake.”

I sighed. I knew eventually she would bring that up. “That’s not fair Toni. I never said that I didn’t enjoy it nor did I say that I regretted it. I just felt like it was a mistake because I might have hurt Justin.” I say

“What about me? You don’t think it hurt me knowing that you were kissing him and sleeping in the same bed as him?”

“Toni that is not fair. You had a chance with me and for you to try and guilt me cuz I wanted to explore how I felt about some one else is so wrong.” I say

“So let me ask you this. Did you feel it was a mistake every time you kissed Justin?” Toni challenged.

”T don’t start.” I say warningly.

“Did he kiss you really good?” Toni keeps going.

“Stop it.” I say. I know she’s trying to provoke me.

“Just how close did you actually come to fucking him?”

“Toni I mean it, you don’t want to do this.”

“Were you mere seconds away? Was he getting there and then you realized he wouldn’t be better than me? Come on admit it Angi you didn’t fuck him cuz of me.”

She had sent me to my point and I believe she knew it.

“HE WAS ACTUALLY INSIDE ME. HE WAS SO DEEP INSIDE ME I COULD BARELY BREATHE. I WANTED HIM SO BAD. I WANTED HIM TO FUCK ME SENSELESS UNTIL I COULDN’T EVEN TALK STRAIGHT. YOU WEREN’T THE REASON I DIDN’T GO THROUGH WITH IT. IF HIS FRIEND HADN’T COME TO THE DOOR IT WOULD HAVE HAPPENED AND I WOULDN’T HAVE THOUGHT TWICE ABOUT IT. IS THAT WHAT YOU WANTED TO KNOW?” I scream

She sits there quite for a moment. More than likely a little stunned that I said that. I think even I was a little stunned by it. She opened her mouth a few times to try and say something but nothing came out. Finally she finds her voice.

“Do you love him?” She asks

I sigh once again. “I don’t know.” I reply honestly.

“I really don’t know what I feel.” I say

Toni takes a deep breath and looks over at me. “Maybe you should just find out exactly what you feel for him. Go back to him if you need to, but I don’t want you here with me like this.” She says and I can feel the tears slowly slide down my face.

“I never meant to make you feel like this Toni. I don’t want you to think this is some kind of pay back or something….

Toni holds up her hand at me. “Stop Angi, I think I should go.”  She says

She doesn’t sound angry or hurt it’s just simple like she doesn’t want me to explain just that it would be easier to leave now. She grabbed her stuff and as she walked out the door I whispered I’m sorry again,