"Yep." Rachel said as she scrolled back through the play list JC had uploaded on the Ipod he'd given her last night.  "I laughed when I heard the first few notes and recognized what song it was."

"Hmmm." Megan hummed.

"What?" Rachel questioned.

"Nothing.  I just think it's interesting that that was the first song, that's all."

"I know." Rachel said.  "I was wondering about it as well.  Did he put it on because he knows I'm such a big fan, or did he put it on because--"

"Because you're his girlfriend and that song solidifies it?" Megan interrupted her.  Rachel giggled.  "Okay, what was the next song?" Megan asked.

"I Want to Hold Your Hand."

Megan laughed.  "He's not very subtle is he?" 

"Nope." Rachel smiled.  "Um...the next one is I Can Wait Forever."

"Do I know that song?" Megan asked.

"I don't know." Rachel answered.  "Do you?"

"Brat." Megan chuckled.  "Who's it by?"

"Simple Plan." Rachel said.  "It's a good song.  Listen to it online."

"Okay.  What's the next song?"

"It Never Entered My Mind." Rachel said.

"Huh?"

"It's the Miles Davis song from Runaway Bride."

"Ah!  Because you guys talked about Miles Davis that one time." Megan said.  "Got it.  Next?"

"The next one is one I'd never heard before.  It's kind of weird...but it grows on you.  The first time I heard it I was like, what the hell?  But now I really like it."

"What is it?"

"The Way I Feel Inside by The Zombies."

"Hmmm..." Megan hummed.  "Never heard of it.  What are the other songs?"

"Crazy for This Girl," Rachel said and Megan chuckled.

"I'd say that was pretty obvious."

"What do you mean?" Rachel asked.

"If giving a girl an Ipod with a list of specific songs already loaded on it doesn't give away the fact that he's head over heels for you then nothing will."

"You really think he's crazy about me?" Rachel asked, grinning.

"Duh!" Megan replied.  "It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure that one out."  She chuckled.  "What other songs did he put on?"

"Hold Me Now by The Thompson Twins then Rock with You--"

"Is that the Michael Jackson song?" Megan asked. 

"Yeah." Rachel said, then chuckled as she came to the next song.  "Okay, this one kind of took me by surprise.  He put on Ticks by Brad Paisley.  Who knew he was a country fan?"

"And that's a scandalous country song as well." Megan interjected.  Rachel laughed. 

"Yeah well, he's pretty scandalous so it shouldn't come as a shock I guess."

"Is that the last one?" Megan asked.

"No." Rachel said, still laughing.  "No, the last song he put on was Ice, Ice Baby."

"What?!" Megan laughed out loud.  "Oh man!  I haven't heard that song in forever!  Does he..." she was still laughing, "Does he know about that song or was it just coincidence?"

"He knows." Rachel laughed.  "It was playing on the radio last weekend when we went to dinner and I started singing along.  Needless to say he was very impressed that I knew all the words and I told him how we'd learned it for that talent show."

Megan laughed.  "Okay, speaking of that talent show, you're going to die when you hear this!"

"Oh dear." Rachel sighed.

"No, no." Megan continued giggling.  "It's good.  I was going through some of my boxes trying to clear out the guest room for the baby and I found my yearbooks and there is a half page spread that year of us doing our routine!"

"I forgot there were pictures taken." Rachel laughed.  "Why did your boyfriend have to be on the yearbook committee that year?  Did we look as ridiculous as I remember?"

"Worse!" Megan erupted in a fit of giggles again. 

"Oh dear." Rachel giggled as well.

"I should send JC a copy.  If he as impressed with your singing, he'll definitely be impressed with your outfit."

"Don't you dare!" Rachel exclaimed.  "If I find out you've sent him a copy I'll--"

"Oh calm down." Megan laughed.  "I want those pictures burned as much as you do."

"Did you show Jackson?"

"No!  Are you crazy?" Megan asked.  "He came in wanting to know what I was laughing about but I wouldn't let him see it.  He doesn't need anymore proof as to how absolutely ridiculous I was."

"Was?" Rachel teased. 

"Anyway..." Megan drawled, making Rachel giggle as she changed the subject.  "So, he gave you the Ipod, then took you dancing...what else happened last night?"

"I danced with Justin Timberlake." Rachel replied.

"Ha!" Megan said.  "No really, what else happened last night."

"Really." Rachel insisted.  "I danced with Justin.  Why don't you believe me?" She laughed.

"Because I know you." Megan said.  "If you had really danced with Justin Timberlake you'd be freaking out."

"But I did dance with him, Megs." Rachel said. 

"Yeah, and I partied with Prince last night." Megan replied sarcastically.

"Really!" Rachel laughed.  "What would convince you?"

"Um...a picture?"

"Hmmm." Rachel sighed.  Why hadn't she brought her camera last night?  "Well, anyway.  We danced and just had fun.  Then he brought me home and..." Rachel stopped as the memory of last night came back to her.  She still felt horrible for pushing JC away without explaining what was going through her head. 

"And?" Megan asked.

"And...you were right." Rachel said.

"I was?" Megan replied in surprise.  "I mean, I usually am, but what was I right about this time?"

Rachel knew Megan was trying to make her laugh but she just couldn't do it.  "About JC not understanding." She finally said.

Megan was quiet for a moment.  "What happened?"

"We were making out and I freaked when he tried to take it a step further.  And just like you predicted he thought it was his fault."

"Did you guys talk?"

"No." Rachel answered.  "He...I...I couldn't." Rachel sighed.  "I wanted to.  The confusion in eyes...he left and I...I don't know what to do."  Rachel looked down at the Ipod in her hands.  He'd put a lot of time and thought into her gift-proving he liked her at least a little.  She smiled sadly. 

"Call him." Megan said.

"No." Rachel replied.

"Why not?"

"Because I don't know what to say." Rachel said, throwing her hands up in exasperation.  "How do I tell him?  What do I say?  Megan, you're the only one who really knows what happened that night.  How in the world am I supposed to tell JC Chasez what happened?"  Megan remained quiet.  "See." Rachel said.  "Even you don't have an answer for this one."

"So it's just going to be awkward between you two from now on?" Megan asked. 

"No!" Rachel answered in exasperation.  "Maybe." She mumbled under her breath.

"Rach..." Megan sighed.  "The longer you go without telling, or giving him some kind of explanation about last night, the more awkward it's going to get.  He's a guy."

"Duh." Rachel replied with a roll of his eyes.

"What I mean," Megan said with a chuckle, "Is that because he's a guy he's probably waiting for you to give some sign that everything's okay.  Like I told you-and like you said-he thinks what happened last night was his fault.  He thinks he's done something wrong and he's waiting for you to give him the green light again."  Both girls were quiet for a moment then Megan continued.  "Listen," she sighed.  "The fact that you two have known each other now for two months and this is the first time he's tried to do anything besides kiss you proves he cares about you."

"I know." Rachel answered quietly.  "But--"

"Are you..." Megan paused.

"What?" Rachel questioned. 

"You're not still holding it against him that he didn't tell you he remembered you, are you?" Megan asked.

Rachel was quiet as she thought about that.  Was she still holding that against him?  She hadn't thought so, but maybe subconsciously she was.  Maybe that was why she was having such a hard time with being able to trust him.  Whatever his reasoning, he had lied to her at the very beginning of their relationship and that knowledge still hurt.

"Rachel?" Megan questioned.

"I'm here." Rachel answered.  "I...I didn't think I was still holding it against him, but maybe I am." She finished quietly. 

Megan sighed.  "You need to get over it."

"He lied to me!  At the very beginning of our relationship!" Rachel exclaimed.

"That's life." Megan responded.  "Look, people are going to hurt you and say things that they shouldn't.  It doesn't matter if it's your best friend, or your mother or your boyfriend.  You have to forgive them and move on or end the relationship.  There is no in-between."

"But--"

"No buts." Megan insisted.  "You have do decide if you can forgive him and then you need to tell him what's going on before he starts jumping to the wrong conclusions and you lose him. He's going to think you're not in to him anymore."

Rachel sighed.  Either way it seemed she was stuck-continue to hold a grudge against him and risk ruining the relationship, or tell him what had happened in her past and risk losing him because he couldn't stand being with her anymore.

"Stop it." Megan said quietly, bringing Rachel out of her thoughts.

"Stop what?" Rachel questioned, irritated that Megan knew her so well.

"I know what you're thinking and you're wrong.  He's crazy about you.  He's not going to run away when you tell him.  Take a chance." Megan said.  "I think it's time for you to open your heart up again."

~~~~~~

Rachel sat at her desk Monday morning looking over the file she'd just been given.  Mark apparently thought that with Lucy's wedding finished and JC's house under control and moving along smoothly she needed another project to work on.  She looked at the information in front of her.  It looked like a pretty standard redecorating job and she was actually kind of excited to start another project.  She began jotting down ideas as she looked at the pictures the homeowners had sent over. 

Rachel was so focused on what she was doing that the vibrating of her cell phone next to her made her jump and gasp in surprise.  Putting a hand over her racing heart she picked up the phone, her heart beginning to race in quite a different way as she read the name of the person calling.  Swallowing she flipped the phone open and brought up to her ear.

"Hey." She said, hoping her voice sounded steadier than it felt.

"Happy birthday." He said, his smooth familiar voice coming over the line and making her stomach flip.  It was interesting how quickly his voice had become so familiar to her.

"Thanks." Rachel replied with a smile.

"How are you?" He asked, sounding a bit hesitant.

Rachel leaned back in her chair, her gaze automatically going to his picture she still had tacked above her computer.  "I'm fine." She said, hating this awkwardness between them.  She pulled her bottom lip between her teeth as she sat, listening to his quiet breathing on the other end of the line.  She didn't know what to do, or what to say to help bridge the gap that was between them now and it was apparent by his silence that he didn't have the answer either.

"I listened to the songs you put on my Ipod." She said, a smile coming to her lips as she thought again about the thought and effort he'd put in to her gift.

"Yeah?" He asked.  She could hear his smile and wished she could see it.

"Yeah." She answered.  "I hadn't ever heard some of them, but I liked them all.  I think I listened to that Miles Davis song twenty times."

He chuckled.  "I told you he was good.  What other ones did you like?"

She smiled.  "I really liked the song by The Zombies.  It was...different, but I really like it." She paused.  "I really liked the first song, too." She said and he laughed.

"I thought you might.  I put that one on on purpose."

"Oh, so there was no reason for any of the other songs?" Rachel teased.

"No." He laughed again.  "Are you kidding me?  I spent a lot of time trying to decide what songs to put on that damn thing.  It was a lot harder than I thought it would be making a play list for you."

Rachel smiled, her heart flipping at his confession as to how much time he'd spent thinking about her in relation to her present.

"What else did you get for your birthday?" He asked.

"Well, Megan and I went and got pedicures when she was in town a few weeks ago to celebrate and my dad sent me flowers this morning." She smiled as she looked over at the beautiful bouquet of pink and white orchids her father had sent.  "But other than that, yours is the only gift I got." 

"Then I'm glad I got it for you." They were both quiet for a moment.  "I'm going to Orlando this weekend." He said.

"Really?" Rachel replied, a bit curious as to why he was calling to tell her that.

"Do you..." He paused.  "Do you want to come with me?"

"To Orlando?" Rachel asked, a bit taken back.

"Yeah."

"Um...I don't know.  I...why are you going?"

"Chris always does this big Halloween party and the rest of the guys are all going to be there.  It'll be fun."

Rachel's jaw dropped.  Not only did JC want her to go to Orlando with him, but he was inviting her to a party where she'd be meeting the rest of the guys of N SYNC?  She didn't know what to do, or what to say.  She knew what she should say, but the words just wouldn't come.  Who else was going to be there?  This wasn't just some random Halloween party.  This was a party at Chris Kirkpatrick's house!  Her mind also flashed back eighteen months to when Jackson had asked Megan to go somewhere with him for the weekend and Megan had gone with him.  They'd ended up sleeping together after that trip and Rachel had a feeling that if she went with JC to Orlando the same thing would happen with them.  She could say she wanted a hotel room but she knew he would insist that she stay at his house...with him.  Memories of what had happened Friday night once more played in her head.  They needed to sit down and have a serious discussion before anything like that could happen again.

"I...I don't know, JC.  I don't have a costume to wear and I..." She looked around her desk.

"Please?" He asked.  "I want you to come.  You met Justin on Friday, but I...I want you to meet the other guys."

Why are you making this even more difficult? She wanted to scream.  This wasn't fair.  It was like dangling a piece of cheesecake in front of her and telling her she couldn't eat it.  She wanted it, but was she ready for it?  "I just got a new client and I really don't think I can afford to take off this weekend." Rachel heard herself telling him.  "I took off last weekend and I really can't afford to take anymore time off right now." She laid her head down on her desk and closed her eyes. 

"Oh." He said the disappointment in his voice obvious and Rachel winced.  "Okay.  Are you sure?"

"Yeah." Rachel said. 

"Rachel," he sighed.  "I..."

"JC." She stopped him. 

"Yeah?" He asked.  She could hear a hint of hope in his voice.  

"Have fun." She smiled, hoping to convince him of her certainty.  "I want to hear all about it. When do you get back?"  He was quiet and Rachel began to wonder if she'd lost him.  "Jace?" She asked.  "You still there?"

"Yeah." He said, sounding distant.  Rachel furrowed her brow and drew her bottom lip between her teeth.  "I don't know when I'll be back.  I haven't decided yet.  Maybe Monday?"

"Oh," Rachel replied.  "Okay.  Have fun." She offered again.

"Thanks.  I'll give you call when I get back into town." He said.

"Okay."

~~~~~  

JC ended the call and sat looking at his phone.  What the hell? He thought.  He growled as he tossed his phone to the other end of the couch and jammed his hands into his hair.  He was too old for these kinds of games.  He was completely confused and didn't know what to do.  Rachel was driving him crazy.  One minute she was the adoring fan, then she was the devoted girlfriend and now she was so cold and distant towards him he didn't know what to do.  He hadn't expected her to turn down his offer to go to Orlando and her refusal irked him. Why had she turned him down?  He'd thought she would jump at the chance to go with him.  Asking a girl to go away somewhere for the weekend was a big step to take in a relationship.  After Friday night, and talking with Justin on Saturday, JC had decided to go ahead and ask Rachel to go with him this weekend-to prove that...he stopped.  He didn't know what he wanted to prove, but obviously whatever it was didn't matter.

"She doesn't want to go!" He growled out loud.  He stood up and began pacing.  Fine.  He thought.  Whatever.  She doesn't want to go to Orlando?  That's fine.  Maybe this is good.  He sighed.  Maybe it would be good to have a couple days apart.  What was that saying?  Absence made the heart grow fonder?  Maybe it's time to test that theory. He thought, grabbing his phone and stalking towards the garage.  I need to get out of here. He thought, grabbing the keys to his car.  Putting the top down on the Mercedes as he backed out of the garage, JC flipped the radio on and drove aimlessly through town. 

An hour later he pulled off to the side of the road and got out.  Slowly he made his way down the beach towards the water.  Gazing out at the ocean he found himself praying for the answers he was obviously missing.  Something was going on in Rachel's life that she didn't feel comfortable sharing with him-and that was what had him so frustrated.  Why didn't she trust him?  What had he done to earn her suspicion?

Have you earned her trust? His conscious asked.  That thought caught him off guard.  He'd done everything he could think of to prove his intentions were genuine.  Who had been the one to show up when she was sick last week and take care of her?  When she'd freaked out last weekend about going to The Ivy who'd been the one to take her somewhere different?  And hadn't he just invited her to come with him and meet the four guys who were more like his brothers than his best friends?

JC bent and picked up a couple of broken shell pieces.  Straightening he began to toss them out into the water.  It irritated him that he obviously didn't know Rachel as well as he thought he did.  Sure she was smart and beautiful and made his mouth water and his knees a little weak when he thought of her kisses.  She was talented and artistic and smelled better than he'd ever known a girl to smell before.  But what made her tick?  What made her who she was?  He didn't know anything about her family or childhood, beyond the fact that she was an only child and had been friends with Megan her whole life. What was she afraid of?  What were her dreams, her goals and aspirations in life? 

He bent once more to pick up a few more shells as he walked along the waterline. As he did so, his eye caught something and he reached over, withdrawing a small sand dollar that had been bleached by the sun.  He rubbed his thumb across the top, loosening the sand that clung to the shell and revealing the universal design that all sand dollars had.  Tucking the shell gently in the pocket of his shorts JC stood and once more gazed out at the water, making a decision.  No more playing around.  It was time to get serious about a few things.  When he got back from Orlando he was going to set Rachel down and they were going to have a long talk. It was time to do what he'd told her he wanted to do a couple weeks ago-to see if what they had was real.

~~~~~~

"Knock, knock."

Rachel looked up from her computer as Aubrey stepped into her cubicle Tuesday morning holding a small box with a pink envelope attached.  "What's this?" She asked, taking the box from her.

Aubrey shrugged.  "It was just delivered for you.  Maybe it's a late birthday present?"

"Thanks." Rachel smiled.

"Sure thing." Aubrey turned to leave and Rachel looked down at the gift in her hands.  Her name was scrawled across the front of the envelope and, placing the box on her desk, she placed her finger beneath the flap of the envelope-breaking the seal and withdrawing the card inside.  The front of the card was a beautiful painting of the ocean at sunset-the water taking on the fiery reds and oranges of the sky.  Rachel opened the card and read the handwritten note inside, her heart melting.

I found this yesterday and wanted you to have it, so you'll know I'm thinking about you while I'm gone. 

JC

Rachel ran her finger over his signature before putting the card down and opening the box he'd sent.  She gasped when she saw the small, perfectly shaped sand dollar.  She picked it up and ran her thumb over the top of it.  How did he know?  She'd always loved sand dollars-she thought they were beautiful and unique and looked for them whenever she went to the beach. 

When she'd been struggling with her depression after her ordeal with Brian, Megan and kidnapped her for the weekend and taken her to San Diego for a few days.  Megan had thought she was just getting Rachel out of town for a change of pace for a few days-what she didn't know at the time, though Rachel had told her later, was that Megan had literally saved her life that weekend.   If Megan hadn't of shown up when she did Rachel wouldn't be alive today.  She'd hit absolute rock bottom and felt like she was in a suffocating hole of darkness with no way out but to end her life.  As the girls had been walking along the beach one evening, Rachel had found a small perfectly round sand dollar-much like the one JC had just given her-and had broken down and told Megan everything that had happened.

It was such a simple thing, but a sand dollar reminded her that God was looking out for her.  The fact that He'd sent Megan just in time was evidence of that.  Rachel had been so absorbed in the darkness surrounding her that she'd forgotten about the good things that she did have in life.  She'd felt more lost, scared and alone then she ever had in her life that suicide seemed the only answer to gain any sort of control.  Since that day, however, she'd thought of sand dollars as her "wink from God"-Heaven's way of telling her things were going to be okay.  It may not be easy and the road may be rough for a while, but in the end everything was going to be okay.  When she and Megan had gotten home Rachel had started going to counseling and had gotten the tattoo on her shoulder as a constant reminder to her that she was lucky-in so many ways.

As she sat looking at the shell in her hands, Rachel picked up and reread his card a few more times, then made a decision.  JC Chasez was the most incredible man she'd ever known and come next week when he was back in town she was going to tell him everything.