"Can't." Rachel replied as she stood in front of her mirror and twisted her hair up-securing it with a few clips.  "I'm going out with Brian tonight." She grinned excitedly and Megan smiled. 

"Where're you guys going?" Megan asked, picking up a tube of lipstick sitting on Rachel's dresser and putting some on.  She puckered her lips as she looked at herself in the mirror.  "Ooh...I like this color." She commented, looking at the name on the bottom of the tube.

"We're going to some party at one of his friend's houses." Rachel said.  "Wanna come?"

"No thanks." Megan replied.

"You still don't like Brian do you?" Rachel asked, turning to look at her friend.  Megan shook her head.  "Why not?"

"I don't know." Megan shrugged.  "There's just...something about the guy I don't like.  I can't pinpoint what it is.  I'm sorry."

Rachel looked at Megan for a few seconds.  Was there something Megan knew about Brian that she didn't?  Megan had always been the more intuitive of the two of them.  But, Brian was a nice guy.  He made her laugh and was fun to hang out with and wasn't a half bad kisser.  So what if he tended to drink a little too much whenever they went out and that his friends were kind of rough around the edges.  "How do I look?" Rachel asked, turning in front of Megan.

"Hot." Megan responded with a smile.  Both girls turned when a knock came at the front door. 

"Don't wait up for me." Rachel smiled brightly as she grabbed her cell phone and walked out of her room.

She should have stayed home that night and gone to the movies with Megan. 

Rachel rolled over onto her side and curled up in the fetal position, hugging the covers close.  Why hadn't she just stayed home that night?  Why hadn't she listened to Megan when she had said Brian was bad news?  Why did she let herself get into these kinds of situations? 

Rachel looked at the alarm clock sitting on the bedside table.  Ten o'clock.  She knew she should get up, but had no desire to.  She'd been lying here awake since six o'clock, her mind replaying every interaction she'd had with JC.  Every smile, every conversation, every laugh: each one breaking off another piece of her heart until she found it difficult to breathe.  With her heart broken her guard was lowered so other memories started filtering in...memories she wanted to be free from but couldn't seem to escape. 

"You owe me."

Rachel heard Brian's voice in her head and shuddered.  Throwing off the covers she finally got out of bed.  Rubbing her hands up and down her arms she tried to get rid of the chill she felt.  If only my therapist could see me know.  She thought sarcastically as she shuffled out of her bedroom.   "Dad?" She called out, but was met by only silence.  She wandered down the hall, her stomach growling and her head pounding.  She'd spent the majority of the day yesterday in tears-not to mention all day Sunday-and had finally fallen into a fitful sleep around nine.  As she walked into the family room she caught her reflection in the mirror hung above the couch and grimaced.  "Good thing no one's home." She murmured.  She adjusted the extra large sweatshirt of her father's that she'd been wearing since Sunday evening and gathered her hair in her hands, securing it up and back in a messy bun.  Walking into the kitchen she saw a note stuck to the fridge.

Rach-I'm at the office.  Call me if you need anything.  I can be home in twenty minutes.  I love you, Dad

She smiled and blinked back the tears that had been her constant companion for the last several days.  It was times like this that made her feel guilty for giving him such a hard time for marrying Sherry.  "Even if she is a bitch." Rachel grumbled as she grabbed a bowl from the cupboard.  She didn't really feel like eating but knew she needed to. Opening the fridge and pouring some granola in her bowl Rachel added some milk then went back out to the family room and sunk down on the couch, turning on the television to kill the almost deafening silence of the house. 

Rachel took a few bites as she mindlessly watched one of the morning talk shows then, when she couldn't muster the motivation to eat anymore, placed the still mostly full bowl of cereal on the coffee table.  She drew her legs up beneath her and looked around the family room, trying to ignore the changes that had taken place over the years.  She closed her eyes and wished with all her might that she could somehow go back in time--back to when she had still been naïve to the realities of life; before she knew anything about heartache and pain.  Back to being seventeen and carefree.

Being seventeen had been great.  She spent her days with Megan, having fun in high school and dreaming about one day meeting the man of her dreams--JC Chasez, the boy who was beautiful and funny and perfect and could do no wrong--and her mother had still been alive.  Tears began to fill her eyes again as she thought about her mother, wishing--as she had a million times before--that she were still alive.  Rachel would give anything to have her here right now.  She needed her mom to wrap her arms around her and tell her everything was going to be okay.

"Momma?" Seventeen year old Rachel inquired softly as she entered the hospital room her mother had been in for the last two weeks.  She tried to ignore the sterile smell that invaded her senses, and the constant beeping and whooshing of the machines her mother was hooked to.  She stepped up to the bed and took hold of her mother's hand, watching as the brown eyes she'd inherited opened and looked up at her.

"Rachel." Christine Kline whispered hoarsely and Rachel lost the battle she'd been waging against her emotions when she saw her small smile.  She lifted her other hand to her face and wiped away the tears that fell.  "Come here." Christine said, weakly patting the side of the bed.  Rachel let go of her mother's hand and, kicking off her shoes, gingerly climbed up on the bed and cuddled up against her mother's side like she'd done her whole life whenever she was scared or upset.  "Don't cry, baby." Christine soothed as she brought her hand up and brushed the hair from Rachel's face.  "Don't cry."

"I don't want you to go, Momma." Rachel sobbed.  "I still need you."

"I know, baby." Christine replied.  "I don't want to leave you or your father, but we can't always choose what happens to us in life.  You're going to be just fine though, I know it."

"No, I'm not." Rachel replied, her tears still falling.

"Yes, you are." Her mother insisted, still running her hand over Rachel's hair.

"How do you know?" Rachel asked, quietly.

"Because I'm your mother." Christine answered with a quiet laugh.  "I know everything, remember?"  Rachel chuckled as another tear escaped.  "And I'll be watching to make sure.  You're going to have a long and healthy life full of love and laughter.  You're going to have lots of adventures with Megan and maybe even meet that singer you two are ‘so in love with'." Rachel laughed through her tears as her mother continued.  "And one day you're going to meet a man who's going to capture your heart, sweep you off your feet and give you beautiful babies."  Both women were quiet for a moment.

"Promise?" Rachel asked.

"I promise." Her mother said.  "I'll always be with you Rachel.  I'll be there at your graduations, I'll be there when you get married, and I'll be there when you're rocking your own babies to sleep at night while you tell them about their Grandma in heaven who loves them and is going to be their guardian angel.  And I'll be there for the sad times as well, baby.  When your heart gets broken and you feel like the world has ended, I want you to promise me one thing, Rachel." Christine said.

"What?"

"Promise me, that no matter what happens, you won't give up on love." Rachel was quiet as she furrowed her brows in confusion.  Out of all the things her mother could have made her promise she didn't want her to give up on love?  "Life can be rough sometimes." Christine continued.  "And bumps in the road may come.  Your heart may be bruised and broken a few times, but promise me you won't give up on love."

"I promise." Rachel pledged.

"I don't know if I can keep my promise, Momma." Rachel said quietly as she hugged her knees to her chest and put her head down, a sense of failure washing over her.  "It's not worth it.  It hurts too much."  Rachel lost track of the time as her tears continued falling--her mother's words echoing in her head.  "One day you'll meet a man who will capture your heart and sweep you off your feet..."  JC had indeed captured her heart and Rachel had been swept up in the fantasy of loving him.  But it had all been an illusion.  If he'd meant anything he'd told her he wouldn't have said the things he had said Saturday night.  It didn't matter that he'd been drunk.  Yes being drunk lowered a person's inhibitions, but the thoughts had to have been in his head for him to have voiced them.  She had been fooled into believing that he was everything she'd ever dreamed he'd be--charming and sweet, funny and romantic--but it had all been a lie.  He hadn't meant any of it.

He had called her--multiple times--since she'd left Saturday night.  He'd left several messages on her cell phone but Rachel had erased them all without listening to them.  She couldn't do it.  She didn't want to hear his pathetic excuses.  She didn't want to hear his voice.  She knew it would just make it harder.  He...

Rachel lifted her head when the doorbell rang.  She didn't want to answer it.  She looked and felt like crap and, assuming it was the UPS guy she put her head back down.   When it rang again and whoever it was knocked several times she sniffed and, using the sleeve of the sweatshirt, wiped the tears from her face as she walked towards the front door.  "Just leave the damn package!" She exclaimed as she unlocked the door and pulled it open. 

Her jaw dropped and her heart stopped when she saw who was on the other side of the door.  She forgot how to breathe as her eyes connected with his, her heart aching as she took in his haggard appearance.  He looked as bad as she felt--like he hadn't slept in days.  He opened his mouth to speak, but before he could say a word Rachel slammed the door in his face.  Leaning back against it she placed a hand to her chest, her breath came in shallow gasps as the pain in her heart intensified.  How did he find me?  She thought.  How the hell did he know I'd be here?  The door vibrated against her as he knocked again. 

"Rachel?" She heard him call through the door and she closed her eyes as the familiarity of his voice caused her almost physical pain.  "Rachel, please..." He plead.  She could hear the desperation in his voice and it made the pain she was feeling worse.  She straightened as he knocked a few more times and she finally yanked open the door, prepared to tell him exactly where to go, but she was startled when he pushed the door open and quickly stepped inside before she could shut him out again.

As one arm wrapped around her waist his other hand moved to the back of her head as he lowered his head and captured her mouth with his in a heated and driven kiss.  Rachel tried not to respond to him, but her wounded heart cried out for the comfort only he was able to give her.  She felt herself giving in and her anger returned.  No!  She thought.  No, I hate you!  Finally he pulled back, releasing her mouth as he struggled for breath and she slapped him--the sharp crack of her hand against his face was both a satisfying and sickening sound. 

~~~~~ 

"Feel better?" JC asked, his chest heaving as he stood with his arms still around her.

"No." Rachel responded vehemently.  "But let me try again.  Maybe then I will.  What are you doing here?" She asked, her eyes blazing.  "How did you find me?  Let me go!" She struggled against him but he wouldn't let her go.

"You know, if you're going to be my girlfriend, we're going to have to work on getting your information unlisted.  I don't like knowing that just anybody can find you."

"Girlfriend?" Rachel scoffed as she continued struggling to get out of his grasp.  "That's funny.  I thought I was just your drunken booty call."

"Would you stop it!" He insisted, tightening his arms around her in an attempt to get her to calm down.  "Calm down."

"Calm down?" Rachel asked.  "Calm down?!  You have some nerve." She said looking at him. "Showing your face here.  I'm so angry I could..."

"What?" He asked when she hesitated.  "You're so angry you could what?"

"Let me go!" She began struggling again.  "I'm going to call the cops." She threatened. 

"And how exactly are you going to do that?" He asked.

Rachel managed to get one of her arms free but JC knew exactly what she was going to do.  Before she could slap him again he reached out and grabbed her wrist while he pushed her back against the wall, pinning her there with his body.

"Hitting me again isn't going to solve anything." He told her. 

"Sure it will." Rachel glared at him.  "It'll make me feel a hell of a lot better." She began squirming and he pressed even more of his weight against her.

"Damn it, Rachel!  Stop!" He yelled and she stilled.  "Just...stop." He said his face inches from her own.  "Stop." He repeated quietly, looking into her eyes.

"Why should I?" She asked the pain in her voice bringing him close to tears himself.  He hadn't slept for more than thirty hours.   He was exhausted--mentally, emotionally and physically--and the sight of her so broken made him want to throw up.  He'd left L.A. yesterday afternoon with nothing-his only thought being that he had to find her and now that he had he was faced with the daunting task of getting her to listen to him. 

"You didn't." She said quietly and his heart stopped, fear coursing through him.

"I didn't what?" He asked, his eyes widening slightly.  He'd never been this scared before in his life.  If she said what he thought she was going to say he wasn't sure his apology--no matter how sincere and heartfelt it was--would be enough.

"Stop." She said, refusing to look at him.  "You didn't stop."

"Rachel..." He swallowed the lump suddenly in his throat.  "Rachel did I...did we..."  Damn it!  Why couldn't he remember if he'd stopped when she'd told him to?

"What?" She asked, finally looking up at him, her beautiful eyes full of such hatred and contempt that he wanted to crawl into a hole and die. 

"Did we sleep together?" He asked.  She continued looking at him as her eyes filled with tears--the hatred giving way to pain. 

"You don't remember?" She asked, her bottom lip trembling.  He felt about two inches tall at the moment.   "If we had slept together and you hadn't remembered it would have killed me." Her admission of last month came back to him and he kicked himself.  He'd never prayed harder in his life for a black hole to suddenly appear and swallow him up.  He shook his head, unable to say the words.

"No." She finally said. 

"Are you sure?" He asked.

"Yes, I'm sure!"  She spat angrily.  "I left when you offered to pay me.  I may be a fan, as you were so quick to point out, but I am not a whore.  I'm not someone you can use at your whim, JC.  No matter who you are or what you think you can get away with in life I deserve better than that so forgive me for not being very happy to see you right now."

"We need to talk." He said, slowly releasing her arm and stepping away from her.  Rachel rubbed the wrist he'd been holding on to so tightly and stood looking at him. 

"What do we need to talk about?" She asked.  "I think you've made your feelings perfectly clear."

"It's time to clear up some things--get some things out in the open.  No more hiding.  No more secrets.  Just you, me and the truth."

"I'm not sure you can handle the truth." Rachel responded, folding her arms across her chest stubbornly.

"Try me." He repeated, equally as stubborn.  Damn it, he loved her!  His heart ached for her after what Megan had told him.  He needed her and he was going to fight his hardest to make sure she stayed in his life and if that meant getting down and dirty and baring his soul to her then so be it!

~~~~~~

Rachel sat on the couch, her knees drawn up to her chest as she watched JC pace around the family room.  She pulled her bottom lip between her teeth as her eyes followed his restless movements.  It was strange.  She still felt an almost overwhelming sense of anger towards him yet underneath it all she wanted nothing more than to wrap her arms around him and beg him to kiss her like he had in the entryway.  Her stomach flipped and her lips tingled as she recalled the desperate and passionate way he'd kissed her moments ago.  And when he'd pressed her up against the wall...she closed her eyes and sighed.  Stop it! She scolded herself.  This is why you keep getting in these situations.  You let your heart take over your common sense.  When are you going to wise up and realize that your heart has no idea what it's doing?

"I, uh..." JC began then cleared his throat.  Rachel lowered her eyes.  She couldn't stand looking at his tortured expression anymore.  "I've come to a few realizations over the last couple days." He said.

"Such as?" She questioned when he remained quiet.

"Such as...you should never anger an already upset, pregnant best friend or her husband."  Rachel watched as he unconsciously touched his bottom lip, bringing her attention to the fact that his lip was split.  Had Jackson hit him?  For a brief moment she wanted to tear into Jackson for hurting JC, but then remembered the fact that she was supposed to be mad at JC, not Jackson, right now.

"I've also realized," He continued, "That I shouldn't drink when I'm upset because I say and do things--stupid things--that I would never dream of saying or doing otherwise."

He came and sat down on the coffee table in front of her as he looked at her.  "I am so sorry, Rachel." He said as he leaned towards her.  "Please, believe me.  I have been sick over what I said to you.   Please--"

"You promised." Rachel finally spoke, cutting him off.  "You promised you wouldn't push me.  You made me believe you really cared about me and then--"

"I do care about you." JC interrupted her as he leaned towards her.  Rachel shied away from him.  "And I meant what I told you before."   

"I don't know what to believe anymore." She told him honestly.  JC nodded as he hung his head.  "You were everything I dreamed you were." She told him.  He lifted his head slowly, his eyes connecting with hers.  "You were smart and funny.  You were easy to talk to and get along with.  You were becoming more than just the pop star I've idolized for so many years.  You were caring and compassionate.  You were sweet and charming and when you kissed me..." Rachel swallowed her emotion back and blinked several times.  Damn it!  She thought.  Why can't I stop crying?  "But then you wouldn't listen to me.  You wouldn't stop.  You just kept pushing and pushing.  Why?" She asked looking at him as her tears fell.  "Why?"

JC sat looking at her silently for a minute then took a deep breath.  "Do you know what its like," he asked. "To have something you've worked for your entire life just end?  Do you know what's it like to have your dreams constantly pushed aside, looked over and forgotten about?  Do you know what's like to watch while someone else--someone you've watched grow up and who's become one of your best friends--get the spotlight every time and be handed the life you've always wanted on a silver platter leaving you to wonder why you aren't good enough?  Do you know what it's like to constantly have to live in someone else's shadow?" He sighed and hung his head.  "I'm not trying to justify my actions Saturday night, because they can't be justified.  But there are some things I need to tell you.  Some things I need to explain."

~~~~~

"They want me to do a solo album."

JC's head shot up as Justin's news sank in.  "A...a solo album?" JC asked. 

"Yeah!" Justin grinned excitedly. "Isn't that great?"

"Wow.  Yeah, that-that's great." JC responded, trying to hide the disappointment flooding him, but really it wasn't that much of a shock.  Justin had been the poster boy for N SYNC almost since the beginning-more often than not the featured soloist and the one everyone wanted to talk to-though he couldn't figure out exactly why.  What was it about Justin that made him so special?  "What about..." JC paused.  "I thought we had talked about going to go back into the studio after this tour." He said hoping to come across as nonchalant though he was anything but.

"We will." Justin said.  "I just...I really want to give this a try C.  This is what I've been dreaming of."

Me too. JC thought.  Me too.

"We never went back into the studio." JC said.  "But you know that." 

"Yeah, but you released your own album." Rachel said.  He lifted a brow as he looked at her.

"We kept up the appearance of still being together but in actuality, when Justin left that was it.  We avoided the topic when it came up in interviews and gave vague answers when we couldn't avoid it.  We did the charity ball game for a couple more years and released a greatest hits album as a cop out when everyone kept asking for another CD.  Everyone kept saying I should do my own album, so I did.  I think it would have done okay if..."

"If?" Rachel asked watching the emotions playing in his eyes. 

"You remember Justin and Janet's ‘wardrobe malfunction' right?" He asked sounding bitter.  Rachel nodded.

"Your show the next week got cancelled because of it." She replied.

"Yeah." He sighed as he rolled his eyes.  "Story of my life." He said.  "Don't get me wrong." He looked at her again.  "Justin is one of my closest friends but..." He paused.

"But?" Rachel prompted him. 

JC shook his head.  "I don't know.  It was like...when I went to Orlando for Chris' Halloween party and we were all together again...it was fun, but it was the first time that it really hit me that it was...over.  I was talking to you that night and you asked me why I still had my house there and it really made me think.  Why did I still have a house there?"

"Nostalgia." Rachel said reminding him of the answer he'd given her.

"No." He shook his head and she narrowed her eyes.  "I mean yes, that's what I told you but that's not the real reason."

"What's the real reason?" Rachel questioned.

"I was scared."

"Of your house?"

"Of selling my house."  He finally admitted. 

"Why?" She asked.

"Because...because selling the house felt like I was selling out on my dreams.  It was the last piece I was holding onto because I didn't want to admit to myself that everything was over."

Rachel sat watching JC, her anger cooling some.  She was a little taken back at what she was hearing.  She felt sorry for him--he'd been carrying around this pain for a long time, trying to put on a positive front for everyone while inside he was falling apart.  As he'd said, there was no justification for what he'd said to her but that didn't stop her from wanting to just wrap her arms around him.  He looked so lost sitting there and something in her knew that although it was going to take a while--forever maybe--before she could trust him again, he was still someone she cared deeply about and it made her sad to see him so unhappy. 

"I started drinking when I got home Saturday evening and I got angry as I thought about how my life had turned out.  Here I am, surrounded by all the awards and accomplishments I've gotten over the years but it suddenly wasn't enough.  None of that was for me.  I've lived the past ten years in Justin's shadow.  I can't go anywhere without the conversation eventually turning to him.  I can't do anything without being compared to him." He put his hand to his chest.  "I just want something that's mine--something I can really be proud of.  But what do I have?  I'm thirty-two years old.  I live by myself.  My last long term relationship was a joke because I was the rebound guy after she got divorced.  Sure I have an album out there, but it was pretty much forgotten about as soon as it came out.  I have another album that's been sitting on the shelf now for almost three years because no one wants to put up the money to release it.  With Justin's album still high on the charts, who would buy mine?"

I would. Rachel wanted to say, but knew he didn't want to hear it.  She could tell he just needed someone to listen to him while he got everything off his chest.

"I called you that night because I knew you'd come over.  I wanted you to come over.  The alcohol in my system and the anger and disappointment I was feeling wasn't a good combination.  I knew what I was doing was wrong, but I didn't stop and I'm sorry.  Rachel, it wasn't about sex that night--whatever you may think and whatever I may have said.  I was feeling insecure about a lot of things but then I realized there was one person who seemed to like me regardless of how pathetic my life had turned out.  There was one person who made me feel like I was on top of the world whenever we were together; one person who wasn't constantly comparing me to someone else and could turn my day around with just a smile."  His eyes connected with hers and he leaned towards her more.  Rachel's heart flipped in her chest.  "You."  He said.  "I needed you.  I needed to see your smile.  I needed to hear your voice and know that there was someone out there who liked me."  He put a hand to his chest.  "Just me.  But then, I used the things you told me to my advantage." He looked at her in amazement.  "I don't know how you did it, but you walked away from me...again."

"I almost didn't." She told him quietly. He said nothing, just looked at her in surprise.  "I was this close," she held up her thumb and forefinger, "from giving in to you.  I don't think you understand just how...seductive you can be." She cocked her head to the side.  "Or maybe you do." She added thoughtfully.  "You do write songs about it after all." She said, her eyes watching his as they filled with regret.  "I almost stayed but I knew, no matter how much I wanted it, I'd regret it in the morning and apparently," she thought back to what he'd said in the entryway earlier, "You wouldn't have remembered it at all."

He winced and closed his eyes.  "I'm sorry I hurt you." He said looking back at her. "I know you've been hurt in the past and what I did is maybe unforgivable but I want you to know how truly sorry I am that I treated you the way I did.  I didn't mean it and if it takes me the rest of my life to prove it to you then I will...if you'll let me."

Rachel sat looking into his eyes, tempted to believe the sincerity she saw there.  But she'd believed what he'd had told her and seen in his eyes before and look where it had gotten her.  "JC, I..." Rachel sighed.  "I...I'm going to need some time."  She looked down and began picking at the material of her sweatpants. 

"O-okay." He said then slowly stood.  Rachel put her legs down and watched as he walked past the couch dejectedly and back towards the front door.  He stopped and looked back at her.  "Before I go I need to make something clear.  It's been bothering me ever since you asked me." He said then was quiet.  Rachel began to wonder if he had changed his mind about whatever it was he wanted to tell her and then he said, "You are not just a fan to me."

Rachel suddenly had to blink back her tears and bit down on her bottom lip in an attempt to hide its trembling.  He stood there for another second just looking at her then left.  Rachel closed her eyes as she heard him open and close the front door.  Falling over she curled up on her side on the couch and cried.  Megan's words of advice from a few weeks ago filtered through her head.   "People are going to hurt you and say things that they shouldn't.  It doesn't matter if it's your best friend, or your mother or your boyfriend.  You have to forgive them and move on or end the relationship.  There is no in-between."    

Could she forgive him?  Could she trust him again?  She wanted to, but she'd been hurt too many times in the past.  She didn't know if she had it in her to trust again.  She'd given her heart away so many times to then have it given back to her with pieces missing.  Even if she did forgive him and could trust him again, would he want her?  Would he want someone whose heart had been pieced back together so many times the pieces didn't quiet fit together anymore?  JC needed someone who could love him completely; someone who could give him her whole heart.  Rachel wasn't sure she could do that.  Even when things had been good between them she hadn't given him her whole heart--hadn't trusted him completely.  She'd kept a part back from him in fear that he'd do exactly what he'd done.  She didn't know if she'd ever be able to love someone the way she wanted to be loved--wholeheartedly.  How could you expect to receive what you weren't willing to give?