"Okay, seriously..." Megan stopped to take a bite of pizza Wednesday evening.  "Is Patrick Dempsey hot or what?" She sighed as she returned her attention to the movie the girls were watching.

"I'm going to have to go with hot." Rachel responded with a laugh, taking a sip of her strawberry soda.  Megan had shown up on her doorstep thirty minutes ago with a pizza in one hand and a copy of her favorite movie--Enchanted, a movie they'd both seen so many times they could quote the entire thing by heart--in the other.  Rachel had been surprised to see her, but after Megan had explained that Jackson usually went out with a couple guys he worked with on Wednesday night, she didn't feel so bad about spending the evening with her best friend.

Megan took another bite then stopped and suddenly put a hand to her stomach.

"What's the matter?" Rachel asked, concerned at the strange look on Megan's face.

"Give me your hand." Megan said, her eyes suddenly sparkling. 

"What?" Rachel asked with a chuckle.

"Your hand." Megan said, reaching for it.  "Give it to me."

Rachel held out her hand.  "What do you want my hand...for..." She stopped when Megan placed her hand against her belly and Rachel felt a series of quick little kicks coming from the baby. 

"He's saying hi." Megan's smile grew as Rachel kept her hand where Megan had placed it. 

"That's..."

"Pretty cool, huh?" Megan asked as she rubbed her own hand over her stomach. 

"There's really a baby in there." Rachel said in amazement.

"Of course there is." Megan replied.  "Did you think I was gaining all this weight just for the hell of it?" She chuckled.

"Smart ass." Rachel smirked.  "Have you guys thought of any names yet?" Rachel asked as the baby stilled and she removed her hand.

"A few." Megan said as she took another bite.

"Are you going to share?" Rachel asked.

"Nope.  It's going to be a surprise."

"Please?  You know I hate surprises."

Megan looked at her for a moment and Rachel stuck out her bottom lip in a pout.  "Okay, okay." Megan relented as she rolled here eyes. "But only because you're my best friend."  Rachel smiled.  "We want to use the name Scott, but we can't decide whether it should be the first or the middle name." Megan said, looking at her as if expecting Rachel to say something.

"Scott?" Rachel lifted a quizitive brow.  "You realize that's JC's middle name, right?"

"Yeah." Megan said.  "But it's also Jackson's father's name."

"I thought his dad's name was Terry." Rachel replied, confused.

"Terry's his step-dad.  His real dad died when he was ten, remember?  I told you this.  His dad was a firefighter and died on the job?"

"Oh right, right." Rachel said.  Then, "That's really sweet of you guys naming your baby after him but kind of weird too, I have to say."

"I know." Megan smiled.  "It was Jackson's idea.  As soon as we found out what we were having he asked me what I thought."

"What have you come up with to go along with it?" Rachel asked.

"Well, Jackson's middle name is Ryan, so we've thought of that one."

Rachel thought for a moment.  "Mmmm...maybe" She shrugged.

"I don't know." Megan confessed.  "We haven't been able to really decide on a middle name, so it just may be Scott Taylor.  What do you think?" Megan asked with a smile.

"It's simple, but I like it." Rachel answered as she drew her legs up beneath her and the girls went back to the movie.

"How're you doing?" Megan asked quietly a few minutes later.  Rachel shrugged, but kept her eyes glued to the screen in front of them. 

After JC had left yesterday and she'd finally stopped crying Rachel had called Megan on her lunch hour.  She was so confused.  Listening to him open up about things he was insecure and upset about had left her feeling conflicted.  She knew she should still be angry and upset at him, and she was.  But the more she thought about what he'd told her--the more she thought about the look in his eyes--the more she felt empathy for him.  She knew what it was like to have your dreams shattered.  She knew what it was like to have everyone around you get what you wanted and to feel like you were being left on the side of the road.  She knew what it was like to struggle with who you were.  But it wasn't enough just to feel sorry for him.  She needed him to prove himself.  

"He sent me flowers this morning."

"Really?" Megan asked, sounding surprised. 

"Yeah." Rachel replied. "They're over there on the table." She pointed towards the kitchen.

"Red and white tulips?" Megan asked.  One brow rose as she looked back at Rachel.

Rachel nodded.  "What?" She asked, confused at Megan's expression and the tone of her voice. 

"Okay, you're going to think I'm really weird and you're going to wonder how I know this but...I was surfing around the internet one day at work.  I came across this website that talked about the meaning behind certain kinds of flowers and how you could send a message to someone based on the specific ones you pick out."

"You think JC is trying to send me a message?" Rachel asked in disbelief, one eyebrow cocked.

Megan looked back over at the flowers then returned her gaze to Rachel.  "Maybe." She shrugged.  "It wouldn't be the first time, would it?"

"What do you mean?" Rachel asked.

"What do you think he was trying to tell you by giving you those songs on the Ipod for your birthday?"

Rachel sat looking at Megan as she thought about what she was saying.  "So, okay--what do you think he's trying to tell me?"

"Well...white tulips mean forgiveness--which makes sense.  He's trying to apologize and earn your forgiveness after being such a jerk last weekend."

"Okay, so what do the red ones mean?" Rachel asked.

"Love." Megan paused.  "Like roses."

Love? Rachel furrowed her brows.  Love?  "He..." she stopped as she looked at the flowers again, the beautiful blooms taking on a completely different meaning than before.  When they'd been delivered this morning she'd been surprised and touched at the gesture.  But now she was stunned.  Had he sent her these specific flowers on purpose, or was it just a coincidence?  Had they been the only ones the florist had had in stock, or had he specifically requested them? Was it possible...

"Was there a note?" Megan asked interrupting her thoughts.

"Yeah." Rachel replied, still distracted by her racing thoughts. 

"What did it say?"

"Here." Rachel said, reaching toward the end table nearest her.  "You can read it."  She handed Megan the note that had come with the flowers.

"Ahem." Megan cleared her throat then began reading the words JC had penned aloud.  "'I wish I could go back in time.'  That's it?" Megan asked.

"That's it." Rachel nodded.

"Hmmm." Megan hummed.  "What are you thinking?" She asked when Rachel remained quiet.

"I'm thinking..." Rachel sighed and covered her eyes with her hand.  "I'm thinking how the hell did I end up in this situation?"  She looked over at Megan.  "Seriously, Megan!  How did I--plain old Rachel Kline, a nobody from Phoenix, Arizona--manage to not only meet the man of my dreams, but be given the chance to work with him on an almost daily basis and then somehow find myself in a romantic relationship with him?  How did this happen to me?  And why did I let myself become so attached when deep down I knew it was too good to be true?"

"Rach--"

"Don't patronize me right now, Megan." Rachel cut her off.  "You and I both know that a relationship between myself and JC Chasez would never have worked out."

"How do you know that?" Megan questioned.

"Because it was a fairy tale!" Rachel exclaimed.  "And fairy tales don't work in the real world."

"Yes they do." Megan responded.  "But only if you're willing to fight for it.  Rachel," Megan shifted so she was facing Rachel on the couch.  "Do you want this?  Do you want him?  Because I'm willing to bet, if you can muster up the courage to be completely honest with him," she paused and looked at Rachel pointedly.  "Completely honest with him, that you two can make this work."  Rachel was quiet as Megan continued.  "I'm the one who gave JC your dad's address." She admitted.

"What?!" Rachel's head shot up in surprise as she looked at her friend.  "I thought he just found it on the inter...he called you?"

"He came by the house." Megan answered.  "Monday night."  Rachel looked at her in shock.  "I was so mad when I saw him.  I'd just gotten home from being with you and I wanted to hit him for what he'd done to you."

"You hit him?!" Rachel was shocked.  "I assumed it was Jackson that hit him."

"It was." Megan answered.

"Jackson..."

"Rachel, Jackson loves you.  You're like his baby sister.  He's got a soft spot for you and he feels very protective over you."

Rachel smiled.  She'd always wanted an older brother growing up--someone she could look up to and idolize.  Someone who would protect her from the bullies at school and make sure she had a date to the prom. 

"He and JC talked out on the porch for a few minutes while I was inside fuming." Megan continued her story.  "When they both came into the house I cornered JC and started yelling at him.  Telling him exactly what I thought of him.  I wanted him to get defensive--to rattle off some lame ass excuse for what he'd done, but he didn't.  Instead he looked at me with those sad but still gorgeous blue eyes of his as he sat on my couch and told me how sorry he was for what he'd done and I...honey, I believed him.  I've never seen a man so broken up over his actions as JC was Monday night."  Megan shook her head in amazement.  "The pain in his eyes was almost tangible.  He looked terrible--and I've seen him in some terrible outfits over the years." Rachel chuckled even as she tried to blink back the tears that had come at Megan's observance of JC.  "I think..." Megan paused.   "I think those flowers he sent you say it all.  He loves you and he's sorry for what he's done."

"But he's said that before." Rachel answered.

"He's told you he loves you?!" Megan responded in surprise.

"No!" Rachel shook her head.  "No."

"Okay, good." Megan placed a hand to her chest and breathed in relief.  "I was going to have to hit you for keeping that information to yourself."

"Don't worry." Rachel assured her.  "I would have told you if that had happened."

"So, then I'm confused.  What has he told you before?"

"That he's sorry." Rachel answered.  "He's told me that before and I...I don't know if I can believe him again.  What if..." she paused, "I believed him before and look what happened."

"Do you love him?" Megan asked.

"I've loved him for years." Rachel answered.

"No." Megan shook her head.  "I know that you're in love with him, but do you love him?"  Rachel was silent as she pondered the question.  "Something to think about, huh?" Megan asked.  "I know it's scary, but if you decide you do love him I think you'll find that if you can take that leap of faith he'll be there to catch you."  

~~~~~~

"Rachel if you're there, please pick up."  There was silence for a moment until JC's voice again filled Rachel's apartment Saturday evening.  "Rachel?"  Again he paused.  "I'm sorry.  I'm so sorr--" for some reason he was cut off then, "Damn it!"

Rachel sat at the counter, staring at her answering machine.  Hesitantly she reached out and pushed the repeat button--again.  She'd gotten home about an hour ago and had automatically pushed the button on her machine.  She hadn't expected there to be any messages so to say she had been surprised to hear JC's voice was an understatement-though she shouldn't have been.  If he'd been able to find Megan and Jackson in Phoenix, then it shouldn't have come as a shock that he'd been able to find her home number.  He'd left about ten messages--all in the space of a few hours and each one similar to the one before: "Rachel, its JC.  Call me.  Please."  The desperation in his voice getting stronger with each one.  But this last one was different.  She could almost picture him sitting against the wall like he had been when she'd shown up at his house last Saturday. 

He'd done well in honoring her request for some time apart.  Besides the flowers he'd sent the next day, he hadn't tried to contact her since leaving her in Phoenix Tuesday morning.  She had half expected him to call her after he left, but her phone had remained silent and she was surprisingly disappointed.  Are you really sorry, JC?  She thought as she once again listened to his messages.  If Megan is right...prove it to me.  Prove to me that you love me.

She startled a bit when her cell phone vibrated on the counter top next to her.  She shut off the answering machine and picked up her cell phone, her heart racing when she saw his name flash on the screen.  She hesitated a second more before flipping the phone open and pressing it against her ear.

"Hello?" She asked, pretending she didn't know who was calling.

"Rachel?" He questioned.

She closed her eyes as his familiar voice sent a tingle down her spine.  "Yeah." She said quietly.

"Hi." He said.  She could hear his own hesitancy and began chewing on her thumbnail as she waited for him to continue.  "I uh...I was just calling to see when you were going to be back in town."

"I'm back." She said evenly, trying to ignore what hearing his voice was doing to her.  Her heart was racing as were her thoughts.  She was supposed to be mad at him yet all she wanted was for him to wrap his arms around her and hold her.  She didn't want to deal with all these conflicting emotions. 

"Really?" He asked.  "Okay, um...I had a couple questions...about the house.  Do you think we could get together and talk about some things?"

"I don't know." She responded.  While part of her wanted to see him--to look into his eyes and see if what Megan believed was true--a bigger part of her needed him to show her he had meant what he said.  Words weren't enough anymore.  He'd told her he was sorry.  Now he needed to show her.   "I just got home and I--"

"It doesn't have to be right now." He was quick to add.  "Monday is fine."  She was quiet for a moment.  "Rachel?" He asked, sounding a little worried. 

"What time on Monday?" She asked.

"Uh...ten?" He questioned.

"I'll have to see." She answered.  "I don't know what my schedule looks like yet."

"Okay." He said.  Again there was silence between them.  "I'm glad your back." He said sincerely and Rachel's heart skipped a beat.  "Well, I...better go." He said when she said nothing.  "I'll talk to you later?" He asked. 

"Yeah." She answered quietly.

"Alright.  Bye." He said.

"Bye." Rachel hung up the phone and sat, looking at it until her home phone rang, causing her to jump.  "What the hell?  Hello?" She answered.

"Rach?  It's Dad." She smiled when she heard her father's voice.  "I was just calling to make sure you got home alright."

"Yeah, thanks.  I just walked in."

"Did everything go okay?" He asked.  "How's your car?"

"It's fine." Rachel chuckled.  "Thanks for letting me stay so long, Dad." She said.

"You're welcome anytime, Rachel.  I mean that." He responded. 

"Thanks."

"Are we going to see you for Thanksgiving this year?" Paul asked.

"I don't know, Dad." Rachel sighed.  The thought of spending Thanksgiving with not only her stepmother, Sherry, but her step-siblings and their children left a bitter taste in her mouth.  When her father had remarried, Rachel had expressed her frustration and the betrayal she felt but as he'd told her, they were both adults and didn't need her approval.  What had really hurt--and what was still a major source of pain to her--was the fact that she was no longer the only child in her father's life.  For almost eighteen years she'd never had to share her father with any one then all that changed.  He now had three other children that Sherry had brought into the marriage.  So not only was his time taken away from her because of a new wife, but he spent a lot of time and money on her children and grandchildren--taking time away from Rachel.

"It's just going to be Sherry and me." He offered.  "The other kids are all at in-laws this year."

"No offense," Rachel replied, "But that doesn't make me want to come any more than before."

Paul sighed.  "Honey, I wish you'd give Sherry a chance."

And I wish you wouldn't have married Sherry in the first place. Rachel thought, but she couldn't say it out loud.  She'd already made her feelings known on numerous occasions.  Bringing it up again wouldn't do anything except pick at an old scab that was trying to heal.

"She asked me last week if you were going to come for Thanksgiving or Christmas this year." He said.

Rachel sighed again as she rested her elbow on the counter and placed her chin in her hand.  "I don't know, Dad." She repeated.  "I'm going to have to see if I can even take the time off.  This week was kind of spur of the moment plus I've got a new house I just started...I've got to talk to Matt on Monday and see.  I'll call you and let you know."

"Please do." Her father said.  "We'd love to have you."

"I'll let you know." Rachel said again. 

"Okay."

"Listen, I gotta go.  I haven't brought in anything from the car and I probably have to go grocery shopping."

"Alright.  I love you, Rachel."

"I love you too, Dad.  I'll talk to you later."

Hanging up she looked at her answering machine-the light still blinking, alerting her to the messages she'd received.  With a sigh she reached over and hit the erase button then walked out of the apartment and down to her car. 

~~~~~~

JC tried to walk at a normal pace to the front door Monday morning when he heard the bell ring.  His heart was racing, hoping it was Rachel.  She hadn't called to tell him they still had an appointment, but she also hadn't called to tell him they didn't.  He was anxious about seeing her again--not really sure how he should act, or what he was supposed to do.  He hadn't seen her in almost a week and he was going crazy.  He needed to see her; needed to look in her eyes and see if there was any hope of her one day forgiving him.  He took a deep breath and blew it out before reaching for the doorknob.

"Who are you?" He asked the brunette standing on his front steps.

"Hi." She smiled, holding out her hand, her brown eyes sparkling.  "I'm Erin Fisher.  You must be JC, right?"  He didn't answer and didn't take her hand, his mind in turmoil.  What was this chick doing here?  Where was Rachel?  Erin's smile faltered a bit and she lowered her hand as she cleared her throat.  "I'm from Adams & Richards." She offered.  "Rachel sent me."

"Rachel sent you?" He asked.  "Why?"

"Poor thing." Erin shook her head.  "She's still broken up about her grandmother's passing last weekend.  She called me this morning and asked if I could fill in for her today."

JC watched as Erin looked down at the papers in her hands.  What the hell? He thought.  If she couldn't make the appointment why didn't she just call and tell me?  He was confused.  He was upset.  He was disappointed.

"She told me you guys still needed to pick out some paint colors, right?" Erin smiled at him and he grudgingly stepped back, allowing the girl to walk into his home. 

"Yeah." He said, shutting the door.

"Let's go take a look." She replied. 

~~~~~~

Rachel sat at her computer, her eyes glued to the clock at the bottom right corner of the screen.  Ten-thirty.  She thought.  Erin should be there right now.  She felt guilty for springing Erin on JC, but she'd gotten in this morning and panicked when she thought about seeing him again.  She just wanted to avoid him.  If she could avoid him, she could avoid her feelings for him.  Realistically she knew she couldn't avoid him forever--Matt would never allow her to hand off a project this big when it was so close to being finished--but she could avoid him for a little while; just until she'd had a few more days to process everything.

She hadn't been able to get Megan's question from Wednesday night out of her head.  "Do you love him?"  Did she?  She didn't know.  All she knew was she hadn't been able to get a good night's sleep in over a week-his image never leaving her mind.  His explanation constantly echoed in her head and her heart broke a little more every time she thought about the pain and sadness that had been in his blue eyes.  She had finally seen the real JC Chasez.  Not the image that had been projected in the media for the last twelve plus years--but the man; the man who was just as scared and insecure about life as she was.  The man who had experienced betrayal and heartbreak but had been forced to keep it hidden because of the public life he led.  What must that be like?  She wondered.  To constantly put on a happy face and hide what was really going on?  Rachel had seen almost every interview JC had ever done--both during the group's heyday and after they'd broken up--but never once would she have guessed he was hiding what he'd revealed to her. 

Life in the spotlight had made him a master in the art of cover--up and she was beginning to realize they had more in common than she thought.  She too had become a pro at covering up her feelings, but she was getting tired of it.  She lived her life feeling like she was putting on a show for everyone around her--pretending everything was okay--when in reality she was crumbling inside and starving for love and acceptance.  JC seemed to be offering her what she both wanted and needed, but she was like a mouse who had narrowly missed being caught in the trap.  She wanted the cheese that was being offered her, but did she dare reach out and take it? 

An hour and a half later, Rachel was still sitting at her desk staring at nothing.  She hadn't returned any of the calls that had come in over the week she'd been gone; she hadn't looked at a single email or called to schedule another appointment with her other clients.  If it weren't for the fact that she'd just disappeared for five days she would have just taken a sick day and left early.

"Cream."

Rachel was brought back to reality as Erin stepped into her cubicle.  "What?" She asked as the girl sat down next to her desk.

"That's the color he picked out." She said, showing Rachel the color sample JC had chosen for the great room.

"The walls are already beige." Rachel said, furrowing her brows.  "Why would he pick a similar color?"

"I don't know." Erin shrugged.  "But I gave him the book and that's what he picked out."

"Did you suggest anything else to him?" Rachel asked.

"No.  He's the homeowner and apparently that's what he wants."

"Okay, um...here's a tip." Rachel said, trying not to get irritated at the girl.  "The homeowner doesn't always know what he or she wants." Especially this homeowner. She thought. 

"Do you want me to call him and set up another appointment?" Erin asked, her eyes sparkling with excitement.

"No." Rachel answered quickly and a bit abruptly.  Erin looked at her in surprise.  "No." She repeated softer.  "I'll call him." She reached out for the folder she'd given Erin this morning.  Erin sighed in disappointment as she handed it over to Rachel.  "Thanks for going this morning." Rachel offered as the girl stood.  "I really appreciate it."

"You're welcome." Erin smiled, then left.

Cream?  She thought.  Seriously, JC?  Have I taught you nothing?  She shook her head.  Obviously she couldn't avoid him as long as she wanted to.