JC watched as Rachel began pacing the front room like a caged tiger.  She opened her mouth three or four times, but nothing came out.  As the minutes continued to tick by he began to grow concerned.  What was it she had to tell him that was this difficult for her to vocalize?  It was a little disconcerting to him that even after all they had shared she still found it hard to be completely honest with him.  Finally he couldn't take it any longer and he stopped Rachel's movement by putting his hands on her arms.  "Rachel." He forced her to look at him.  "I'm not going anywhere.  Whatever you have to tell me isn't going to change the way I feel about you."

"You don't know that." She replied bitterly.

"Yes I do." He assured her.  "I promise.  Take a deep breath and start at the beginning."

~~~~~

Rachel stood looking at JC for another few seconds then, taking a deep breath as he suggested, she began her story.

"When I was seventeen, my mom got sick." She started.  "I told you that she died, but what I didn't tell you is that about six months later my dad remarried.  I was shocked.  I was hurt.  I didn't understand.  I didn't understand how he could be married to my mom for twenty years and then six months after she died marry someone so completely different.  Did he not love her?  Did the relationship they'd shared mean nothing to him?"  Rachel asked.  JC said nothing as he sat back down on the couch watching and listening to her.  "I don't think I would have had a problem with him remarrying if he'd waited a little longer, and if he hadn't married someone like Sherry."

"Why don't you like her?" He asked.

"Nothing's ever good enough for her.  I was constantly being compared to her own children, who apparently are perfect and can't do anything wrong.  I put up with her snide comments and putdowns for as long as I could." She told him.  "When I hurt my knee and had my surgery she kept telling me she couldn't believe how I'd made such a stupid mistake.  I blew my one chance, she told me, and it looked like I'd wasted my life because she didn't know what I was going to do now since I wasn't good at anything else."

"What?" JC asked in exasperation.  "That's absurd!  You are an amazing designer and it was an accident!"

She smiled at him.  "I know what she told me isn't true, but at the time it really hurt.  I was already insecure because everything I'd worked so hard for had suddenly been taken away from me.  I was confused and disappointed and she wouldn't let it go.  I uh...I moved out after that.  I got an apartment and became a hermit.  I didn't talk to anyone I didn't have to.  I didn't go anywhere I didn't absolutely have to go.  I didn't know who I was anymore.  The identity I'd always had as a dancer and the future I had planned on had been taken away.  My mother had died and my dad had remarried and was now obligated to a different family.  Megan had gotten a scholarship to Colorado State and had moved away to go to school.  I went to class and work and then went home everyday.  I was really struggling with who I was."  Rachel sat down on the couch and was surprised when she felt JC's fingers on her face.  He said nothing as he reached over and wiped away the tears she hadn't known had fallen.  She looked over at him as he sat there, quietly listening to her.  She saw the empathy in his eyes and knew he understood her feelings--he'd expressed similar ones to her a few weeks ago.  They both knew what it was like to struggle with their identities.

"Then I met Brian." She said, her heart really beginning to pound.  She looked down in her lap, nervously twisting her fingers.  JC reached over and took hold of one of her hands.  She looked over at him and he smiled at her reassuringly, patiently waiting until she was ready to continue.

"Brian was..." Rachel paused.  "Brian and I met at school.  He was in my math class and I latched on to him, probably quicker than I should have, but he was the only one in any of my classes that made any effort whatsoever to get to know me.  We originally started spending time together because he needed a tutor.  Then we started hanging out and eventually dating.  He was..." She stopped again and JC squeezed her hand in silent support.  "He was nice and I liked spending time with him.  He helped fix my car when it broke down a couple different times.  He was a friend when I really needed one, but he was also very...touchy.  We had been dating for about a month when he started pressuring me to sleep with him.  I kept telling him no, but he kept getting more and more insistent.  Somehow I managed to always change the subject and brush him off.  I liked him, but I wasn't sure I loved him and I definitely wasn't ready to sleep with him."  Rachel stopped her narrative as she tried to gain control of her breathing.  Beside Megan, and her therapist, she'd never told anyone what had happened next and she was scared.

"Megan moved back home that summer and we got an apartment together.  She didn't like Brian.  There was something about him that made her uneasy and I wish..." Rachel closed her eyes.  "I wish I would have listened to her when she told me he was bad news."

"What happened?" JC asked quietly.

"We...we went to a party one night at one of his friend's places.  Things got a little wild and I got pretty drunk.  He...he must have put something in my drink." Rachel stopped when she heard JC suck in a breath as he caught on to what she was telling him.  She wanted to look over at him but knew if she did she'd break down.  She'd done a pretty good job at holding back the majority of her tears, and she didn't need anything to set her off.  She knew, once she started the tears wouldn't stop for a while.  "I tried to get him to stop." She continued quietly.  "He kept telling me that I owed him after everything he'd done for me." She glanced over at JC and saw his blue eyes flashing with anger.  His entire body was tense, his chest rising and falling quickly as he sat, holding her hand.  "I couldn't move." She said.  "I couldn't move.  His hands were everywhere and then he...he..."  She paused and blinked back the tears, but it did no good-they fell anyway.  "I don't remember a whole lot about that night." She said.  "A lot of things are still fuzzy, but what I do remember is what he did to me.  It's haunted me for four years."

"Did you go to the police?" He asked.

"No." She shook her head.  "He left town.  I don't know where he is."

"They could have found him, Rachel." JC said.  "Why didn't you go to the police?"

"Because I was humiliated." She admitted quietly.  "I couldn't.  I told Megan what had happened later, because she's my best friend and she knew something had happened, but I didn't want anybody else to know."

~~~~~~

JC let go of Rachel's hand and put his hands in his hair, his elbows resting on his knees as he processed what she'd just told him and tried to control the anger boiling inside him.  She'd been raped--by her boyfriend.  No wonder she had been so skittish when it came to deeper physical affection beyond just kissing.  He wanted to track this Brian guy down and beat the hell out of him for what he had done to her.  He also wanted to kick himself for some of the things he'd said and the times he'd tried to push her.  The things he'd said to her the night he'd been drunk came back to him and he cringed in self-recrimination.  He had been such a jerk to her.  If he'd known, maybe they could have avoided a lot of the crap they'd gone through.  He scrubbed his hands over his face. 

"Are you mad at me?" She asked quietly.

His head snapped up as he looked at her.  "Why in the world would I be mad at you?" He asked, dumbfounded at her question.  "Rachel, I'm sorry." He said as he looked at her, his heart swelling with love and pride.  "I am so sorry.  For everything."  She'd been through something nobody should have to go through, but she'd managed to overcome everything to be the incredibly amazing woman sitting next to him.  How had she done it?  How on earth had she overcome it all?  He reached over and gathered her in his arms.  She leaned into him and he kissed the top of her head as he closed his eyes and just held her--offering her his silent support and comfort. 

"You're not mad at me or...or disgusted at what I just told you?" She asked quietly.

"No." He assured her as he leaned back and looked at her.  "Do I hate this guy for what he did to you?  Hell yeah!  Do I want to hunt him down right now and kill him?  You better believe it.  Do I wish you would have told me sooner?  Yes.  We could have avoided some of the...problems we've had, but Rachel," He brought her face forward and leaned his forehead against hers.  "I'm not mad at you.  I love you." He said, watching as she closed her eyes as if trying to absorb his words.  "It wasn't your fault." He told her.  "None of it was your fault."

"The very first time we met you asked me about my tattoo." She said.  "Do you remember?"

He nodded against her.  "Yes.  Lucky."

"Yeah."  She nodded and finally opened her eyes, looking at him.  "You asked me if I was and I told you yes."

He smiled at her but she leaned back, away from him, and looked down at her hands in her lap.  "There's more?" He guessed and she nodded.  What else could she have possibly been through?  "What..." He paused as a possibility came to mind that made him sick--not because it would affect and forever change his life, but because of what she had possibly gone through.  "Did...did you get pregnant?" He asked.  Did she have a child somewhere?  If she did, he knew it didn't live with her.  Had she been forced to give it up?  He suddenly remembered her asking him once about being adopted and his heart broke even more for her.

"No." She shook her head.  "No, I didn't get pregnant." She assured him and he breathed a sigh of relief on her part.  Although he'd been old enough to remember his birth mother and the whole situation involving his adoption, he couldn't even imagine what his mother had gone through making that decision.  "That's one reason for my tattoo." She explained.  "I didn't get pregnant and I don't have any diseases." She added.

"What's the other reason?" He asked. 

Rachel sighed heavily.  "I thought I was struggling before I met Brian, but after he...after he raped me," he watched as she cringed when she said the words and just wanted to gather her in his arms again-to forever protect her from anything and anyone that could and would hurt her.  "After that I was a complete mess.  I didn't eat.  I didn't sleep.  I never left the apartment.  It was a very dark time." She looked over at him.  "A very dark time.  I uh...I finally reached a point where I couldn't handle things any longer.  I felt so dirty and worthless and humiliated.  I felt like I was suffocating in a pit of darkness and I couldn't breathe.  I didn't know how to get out of it so I just decided it was better to end it all.  I had it all planned.  Megan had left for the week for a family reunion so I was home alone.  I wrote a few letters, then started gathering up all the pills I could find in the house.  But Megan came home early." She told him and JC made a mental note to thank Megan the next time he saw her for everything she'd done. 

"I was surprised." She continued.  "I wasn't expecting her to walk through the door.  I asked her what she was doing, but all she said was to pack an overnight bag and then we drove to San Diego for the weekend.  That's when I finally told her everything that had happened with Brian and how I had been planning on killing myself before she came home.  We both cried and she convinced me to see a therapist when we got home, which I did.  That's also when I got the tattoo--to remind me how lucky I was to have someone who cared so much about me and to have another chance at life.  So there you go." She said, sighing in resignation.  "That's my crazy, messed up life in a nutshell.  That's the reason I freaked out that night after the club when things started heating up between us-I was scared.  That's why I ran a few weeks ago-the things you said brought back a lot of memories.  I never thought I would fall so completely in love with you, JC.  These last couple months with you, though they've been one hell of an emotional roller coaster, have been amazing."  She confessed. "But if you don't want to be with someone who has all this emotional baggage I'll understand."

"Who doesn't have emotional baggage?" He asked, looking at her as if she were crazy.  "I'm pretty sure I told you all about mine a few weeks ago." He said.  "Rachel, nobody's perfect.  We all have skeletons in our closet.  We all have things in our past that we don't want other people finding out about.  We're all insecure about things.  We're all the same when it comes to that."

"Yes, but...you're a celebrity.  You live a charmed life." Rachel replied, spreading her arms wide to indicate his huge house.  "It's kind of hard to say we're the same when you have access to everything money can buy and your skeletons are so tiny compared to mine."

"Underneath everything I'm just a guy." JC said softly. 

Rachel laughed humorlessly and felt the suspicious pricking of tears behind her eyes.  "You aren't ‘just a guy'." She sniffed as she stood up.  "You're JC Chasez: World Famous Pop Star, with your incredible voice and musical talent, and your amazing good looks." Rachel pointed at him.  "You've had, and still have, women around the world throwing themselves at you--more than willing to do whatever you want them to do.  While I..." her shoulders slumped slightly as she looked at him; her tears beginning to fall again.  "I'm just a silly girl from Arizona who got the chance to live out her teenage fantasies for a little while.  But it's time for her to grow up and accept the fact that her fantasies are just that: fantasies.  And they should be left in the past."

"Rachel, stop." JC stood and took a step towards her, but Rachel held out a hand, stopping him.

"Fairytales aren't real, JC."  She turned away from him.  "As much as we want them to be, they're just not.  I--"  Rachel was stopped by JC's hand on her arm as he turned her to face him.  She looked at him in surprise for a split second before his lips crushed her own.  She inhaled sharply as he held her face in a gentle manner completely opposite the almost violent way his mouth was attacking her own.

As her tears continued to fall Rachel allowed herself to kiss him back.  She wrapped her arms around his neck, her fingers tangling in his dark hair.  She could almost literally feel her pain leaving as JC readily accepted it and threw it away.  At last his fevered attack slowed and he brought his head up, his blue eyes connecting with her brown ones. 

"I love you, Rachel.  You aren't just ‘some girl' to me.  I thought we'd already established that fact.  You sassed your way into my life and nothing's been the same since."  He sighed as he brought one hand to her face as his fingers worked to wipe away her tears.  "You're smart, funny, and sophisticated.  You're sweet, beautiful and sexy.  You have a terrific smile, an addictive laugh, incredible eyes and great set of legs.  You make me laugh." He leaned his forehead against hers and Rachel closed her eyes.  "You make me think.  I love that you're not afraid to challenge me or my opinions.  You make me happy." He was quiet for a moment.  "And I haven't felt that way in a long time.  I need you." He said quietly.

"You don't need me, JC." Rachel shook her head.  "You did just fine before you met me.  You may think you need me, but--" She stopped when he let out an unexpected yet remarkably sexy growl of frustration.

"You're not listening to me.  I.  Need.  You."  He stepped away from her. "I need you, Rachel Kline-you're spunk and attitude; your fire and determination; your friendship and passion.  You've become the sanity in my crazy life.  You're the one I think about, the one I dream about, and now you're the one I sing about." Rachel smiled through the tears that had once again begun falling.  "I love you." He said placing his fingers beneath her chin, forcing her to look at him.  "Every irritating, opinionated, mischievous, messed up, sassy, fun-loving, incredible, sexy bit of you."  Rachel threw her arms around his neck and pressed her lips against his as she kissed him again and again. 

"You know," She said, licking her lips as she finally leaned back and looked at him.  "If someone would have told me ten years ago, when I was at your concert, that one day I'd be standing in your living room while you professed your undying love to me, I would have told them they were completely crazy."

JC laughed as he tightened his arms around her and placed a soft kiss to her lips.  "I would have laughed and then probably had them committed to the nearest psychiatric hospital." He confessed.  "Crazy how life turns out, huh?"  Rachel nodded as she smiled at him.  "What concert did you go to?" He asked in curiosity.

"Megan and I went to two." She told him.  "We saw you guys in Vegas for No Strings Attached and then we were at the PopOdyssy Madison Square Garden concert." JC narrowed his eyes and he became suddenly serious as he studied her for a moment.  "What?" She asked at the weird look her was giving her.

"What were wearing in New York?" He asked.  Her heart leapt for a moment-had he seen her?!-until she saw the teasing sparkle in his eyes.

"Oh, you're such a punk!" She replied, playfully hitting his chest as he began laughing.  She tried to wiggle out of his arms but he wouldn't let her go. 

"You didn't go to any concerts in Phoenix?" He asked.

"No." Rachel shook her head.  "Almost."

"Almost?"  He looked at her in curiosity. 

"We had tickets.  I even had backstage passes to meet you guys."

"What happened?" He asked. 

"Food poisoning." Rachel replied.  "I've never been so sick."

"Oh man." JC chuckled.  "That sucks."

"Yeah, it did." She said.  Rachel sighed.  "I was so in love with you back then." She admitted, reaching up and running her hand through his hair.  "When I won the backstage passes on the radio I almost died."  JC laughed. 

"What were you going to do if you'd been able to come?" He asked.

"I wanted to give you a hug and I was going to try and slip you my number." She grinned at him.

Again he laughed.  "Do you know how many girls slipped their numbers to us over the years?  I'm glad we didn't meet that way." He said.

"Why?"

"Because I would have been in ‘celebrity mode'." He smiled sheepishly.  "I probably wouldn't have remembered you."

"You didn't remember me after Megan's wedding, so how would that have been any different?" She replied without thinking then bit her lip when the words she'd spoken registered in her brain.  He said nothing just nodded in acceptance as he looked at her-his blue eyes hurt and remorseful and she felt horrible for what she'd just said.

"I'm sorry." She told him, wrapping her arms tightly around his neck.  "I didn't mean it to be hurtful." She said then pressed her lips against his.  Rachel smiled as she leaned back and looked at him.  "It doesn't matter that you wouldn't have remembered me or that you didn't remember me.  I got more than I ever imagined I'd get by going to that stupid meet and greet."  He smiled and she relaxed against him, laying her head against his chest.  "I love you." She said as she tightened her arms around his waist and lifted her head to kiss his jaw.

"Enough to do something for me?" He asked looking down at her.

She pulled back and looked at him suspiciously.  "Well, that depends."  She said.  He said nothing for a moment, just looked at her.  "What do you want me to do?" She asked.

"I need you to help me finish our song."   

~~~~~~

"Okay." Rachel sighed against him the next evening.  "What do you think?" She held the piece of paper she'd been scribbling on for the last hour up above her head.  "I've been thinking about it all day."

JC took it from her and began reading what she'd written as he put his arm around the front of her shoulders.  She'd come over after work and they'd ordered some Chinese.  They'd been sitting downstairs on the couch together--Rachel writing as he idly surfed through the channels on the TV.  Rachel had her legs stretched out across the cushions and JC had one leg up on the couch--his leg bent between her and the back cushions--while his other foot was down on the floor and his back rested against the arm of the couch.  Rachel put her hand on his bent knee as she leaned back against his chest-her head nestled between his neck and shoulder as she waited for his thoughts.

"I like it." He said after a few minutes of silence.

"Yeah?" She questioned.  He could hear the hesitancy in her voice and tightened his arm around her. 

"Yeah." He replied, kissing the side of her face.  "Come on." He said, releasing her and moving to stand up.  He took her hand as they walked upstairs and towards the front room.  Turning on the light, he propped the piece of paper she'd given him on the music stand and sat down on the bench.  "Sit down." He said, scooting over and patting the bench beside him.  Rachel did so and he began playing the song she'd heard the day before.  He sang the first couple stanzas he'd written and the chorus then turned to her.  "Now it's your turn." He said, his fingers continuing to play.  She missed her cue, so he started over-smiling at her encouragingly.  Finally she began singing timidly as he helped her out with the melody.    

Sometimes sorry doesn't mean as much
But I'm going crazy without your touch
Wish I could rewind the clock
Slow down time or make it stop.

When I walked away
I didn't know what to say
Holding in and holding back
Sometimes feeling trapped

I need to tell you how I feel
Without you my life isn't real
At first you were a dream fulfilled
But now you're the only thing that's real

"Join me on the chorus, this time." He said as he easily picked out a harmony-their voices blending together and giving Rachel goose bumps. 

Give me a chance
I'll make it right
Please don't give up
We can still win this fight

JC continued playing, but Rachel didn't know anymore of the words, so she just sat and watched him-completely mesmerized.

Now here we are together
A fairy tale come true
Who would have known I'd mean this much to you

After everything that we've been through
It's nice to be close to you
Through all the bad and all the good
We've finally understood

Finally together singing our song
Who'd have predicted a be this strong
We've both made mistakes,
But we're both been changed
Forever begins today

He stopped playing, the last chord fading out as he turned and looked at her, his eyes holding hers steadily. 

"That was..." Rachel trailed off, completely at a loss for words.  Instead she just leaned forward and kissed him.  He lifted one hand, his fingers tangling in her hair as he kissed her back-the emotion and passion he'd generated with his music building between them as he tilted his head and deepened the kiss.  When at last he pulled back Rachel licked her lips, loving how his taste lingered there, and tried to remember how to breathe.  "Wow." She smiled at him.

He kissed her softly once more then turned back to the keys in front of him.  "I'll work on my part and get yours written out then we can go down to the studio this weekend and lay it down."

"Excuse me?" Rachel replied, completely taken back.  "Lay what down?" She asked.

"The track." He looked at her.  "We can go down and work on recording the song."

"We?" She asked feeling panicked.  "Jace, I can't..." She shook her head as her heart began pounding.

"What do you mean you can't?" He asked.  "This is our song.  No one else can sing it with me."

"Sure they can." She countered.  "There are hundreds--thousands--of women who could sing this song with you."

"Technically, yes." He answered.  "But none of them can put the emotion and passion behind it like you and I can together.  Please?" He asked turning and taking her hands in his.  "I've heard you sing on a couple different occasions.  You have a great voice and you just heard for yourself that we're pretty good together." He smiled.  "You can do this."

"I don't know..." She hesitated.  Sure she'd been told she had a good singing voice before, but she usually only sang in her car or when nobody was really around.  She'd never taken voice lessons.  She hadn't been in choir in high school.  There was no way she could go and record a song with him!

"What do you want?" He asked.

"What?" She asked, with a chuckle.

"To sing with me." He clarified.  "What do you want?  I'm not above bribery to get what I want from you.  I can get you anything you want." He promised.

"Anything?" She asked, cocking a brow.

"Well, you've already got me." He replied with a cocky smile.  "What else do you want?"

"Hmmm...your firstborn?" Rachel replied with a straight face, desperately trying to hold in her laughter when he swallowed and got a panicked look on his face. His blue eyes widened as he searched hers frantically.  He opened his mouth wordlessly a few times.   

"I-I-I don't know if I'm ready for that." He finally stuttered and she started laughing.

"Neither am I." She confessed, still laughing as she put her head on his shoulder.  "I was just kidding." She told him and he sighed dramatically in relief.  "But you did say I could have whatever I wanted."

"My bad." He replied with a chuckle.  "I'll try to be a little more careful with my promises in the future."  He was quiet for a moment then, "Please?" He asked again.  "I wrote this for you-it was your voice I kept hearing in my head as I worked on it.  I want to record it with you."

How could she resist that?  "Okay." She relented as she raised her head and kissed his cheek.  "But just remember, Christmas is coming up." She smiled at him as he chuckled. 

"Oh, don't you worry." He replied, smiling devilishly.  "I've got Christmas covered."