Love at first sight. Does it exist? I doubt it. I don’t think it’s possible for any two people to fall in love just by looking at each other. OK, there can be attraction, but it’s not love. People can try and pretend that they fell in love at first sight all they want but I know the truth. I know there is no such thing. If you really fell in love with someone at first sight then you’re relationship is not as deep as you think it is. You don’t even know what love is.
I don’t even believe in love, forget about love at first sight. What is love? No one even knows. Love is this feeling that is in the pit of your stomach, like butterflies or something. I have that feeling when I’m sick and ready to vomit. Is that what love feels like? Then count me out. They say you can’t explain love, but you know when you’re in love. They also say that about migraines.
Everyone feels like they’re in love at some point but then it gets ruined. So is that what love is? Something that lasts only a couple months and then is replaced with the truth. Love is not perfect, love is tough. But how do you know if it’s worth the fight?
I don’t think many people actually do know what love is. I know I don’t. I know what love isn’t. Love isn’t being lied to. Love isn’t sleeping with other girls when your girlfriend is at home taking care of your three month old daughter. Love isn’t crying yourself to sleep and praying that maybe the more you ignore it the more it doesn’t exist. Love isn’t in the form of black and blues. Don’t ever be fooled that they are. People do NOT change. They can not change. If he hits you once he will hit you again, no matter how much he says he’s sorry- he’s not.
It was a cold February night when I finally realized all those things love is not. I was sitting in front of a black television with my three year old daughter, Vanessa in my arms. I watched the blank television for hours, trying to figure out how I was going to escape. Part of me thought Chris will never even notice if we were gone. I looked over at the clock to notice it was already 8:30. He gets out of work at 5 so he could be home any minute… although the fact remains that he is not coming home any minute, he probably will not even be home tonight.
I don’t know who she is. Part of me wants to know who she is but really I hope he falls in love with her so he can leave and never look back. It doesn’t bother me that he hits me, well it bothers me but I can handle it. I’m just scared he’s going to start hitting Vanessa. It will happen anytime now and I can’t deal with the constant fear that he’s going to hurt her. I carefully placed Vanessa on the couch and started putting some things together. It has to be tonight or I’ll put it off forever.
“Mommy” I heard my daughter’s quiet voice
“Hey baby girl, what’s the mater?” I stuck my head back into the living room so she could see me
“Where we going?” she offered excitedly
“We’re going to go on a little trip” I forced a smile and I saw her face light up
“Disney World?”
“No sweetie” I smiled, “Go back and rest, let mommy get packed”
“No! I help”
“OK” I nodded my head, “Get your things together”
“I help, cause I’m a biiggg girl”
“You are a big girl baby, thank you” I watched Vanessa run into her room and throw all her things into her Dora the Explorer backpack. I grabbed my suitcases that were already packed from the closet and took the envelope of cash I had ready before walking into Vanessa’s room to help her, “How are you doing sweetie?”
“Good. Mommy I think we should go visit Mickey. And Minnie too. And Tigger… but not Donald k?”
“Ok sweetie” I felt a tear fall down my face, “Do you think you have everything?” I squatted down so I was at her level
“Everything” she nodded her head and came to give me a hug, “Mommy, is you cryin?” she asked before wiping the tear from my face
“No silly, are you ready?”
We drove for hours that night. I didn’t know where we were going or what we were going to do when we got there. For some reason, I was afraid that Chris would come looking for us but I think deep down I knew he would be happy we left. It would be weight off his shoulder if nothing else. He wouldn’t care if he never saw his daughter again; it would just be less child support he would have to pay.
“Come on, baby, I’m sorry” I said as I lifted Vanessa from her car seat and dragged her into the gas station rest room with me, “Come on baby, you have to stand up”
“Mommy, I’m tired” she whined
“I know you are sweetie, I know. Come on, do you have to go potty?” she shook her head, “Can you try baby, please? Mommy doesn’t want to have to stop again until breakfast” she just looked at me trying desperately to keep her eyes open, “Just really fast alright babe?”
I yawned and grabbed a coffee on my way out, hoping I would be able to carry my daughter along with a big cup of coffee. I placed the coffee on the roof of the car as I gently placed her into her car seat and kissed her forehead, “Are we almost there Mommy?”
“Just go back to sleep booboo”
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