I walked quickly into my apartment praying that Vanessa was already in bed. I can’t cry in front of her and I don’t think I can hold it in long enough to get past her. I went right into my room and fell onto the bed, “Whoa, what’s going on?” Kyle came into the room
“Nothing, just tired” I said as I pulled my dress off and put on a pair of pajama pants and a hoodie, “Was she ok?”
“Yeah, she was fine. What’s going on?”
“Nothing. Thanks for watching her”
“Oh my gosh Iz are you really going to make me ask you a third time?”
“Nothing I’m just tired. Please just leave it at that”
He nodded his head and pulled me into a tight hug. Kyle really is an amazing friend. I mean, I know he gets annoying and he is sometimes a little too divaish but he’ll do anything for us. “Do you want me to stay?”
“No, go home. I’ll call you tomorrow”
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah, I just need to be alone. Thanks though Kyle”
“Alright” he kissed my forehead, “I don’t have to beat him up do I?”
“No” I laughed slightly
“Good because I don’t know… I kinda think he could take me” he laughed, “I’ll call you in the morning”
“Alright, bye thanks” as Kyle left I fell back down on the bed. I really wish I knew what I was doing. Justin is really a good guy. It’s not really fair that I expect him to screw up; it’s just that I’ve been hurt a lot in the past and I feel like everyone is out to hurt me. I mean, if Vanessa’s father cheated on me while I was pregnant with his child then what’s stopping Justin? Justin is like a hundred times more gorgeous than Chris, plus he has the personality that Chris never had. And Chris did not have millions of girls dreaming about him every night. But Chris managed to cheat. It would be so easy for Justin to hook up with someone else and I would never even know.
But he did say he loves me. Most people don’t just throw those three words around. But then again Chris also told me he loved me, right after coming home from cheating on me or right before he went out. He really ruined me forever. I hate that. Why can’t life be easy? Why do I have so much damn baggage?
I heard a soft knock on my bedroom door and then heard it creek open. I looked up to see Justin standing there and I pulled the hood over my head, “I’m really tired’
“Yeah me too, tell me about it. I had nine hours straight of dancing” he said as he stretched his arms over his head, then go home and go to bed.
“Then go to bed” I said softly
“OK” he said as he sat down on the other side of the bed and took off his shoes
“Justin”
“I’m not leaving until we talk. It’s not good to go to bed mad at each other”
“I’m not mad at you”
“Well I’m mad at you” he said as he pulled the covers over him and wrapped his arms around me
“Why are you making this so hard?”
“Why are you acting like it’s not? You can’t just break up with me out of nowhere and expect me to just go home and never talk to you again”
I have so many problems. As soon as things start to look good for me I do something and screw them up. But I still don’t get why Justin is here. Most people would be scared of me and just back off because I have so many damn issues, “Can you at least look at me?” I turned around so I was now facing him but I didn’t look at him, “Baby, look at me” he said softly as he moved the hood from my face and there was no hiding my tear stained face, “Why are you crying?” he wiped my tears
“I’m sorry”
“Don’t be sorry, just tell me what’s going on. Let’s talk”
“I don’t know what to say. I’m just so screwed up”
“You are” Justin said with a cute smile on his face
“Thanks” I laughed slightly
“But it’s ok” he laughed, “We’re all screwed up a little bit”
“I’m screwed up a lot”
“Yeah” he smiled, “You want to talk?”
“No” I shook my head
“OK, we’ll just cuddle then” Justin said as he wrapped his arms around me. “Just cuddle” he said as he placed his head on my chest, “Cuddle”
“Stop” I whined, “Come on” I laughed
“We’re cuddling” Justin laughed as he moved his head away, “I want to talk you don’t want to talk, I want to cuddle you don’t want to cuddle” I pulled my hood back over my head, “Can we talk?”
“About what?”
“I don’t know… the weather…” he answered sarcastically, “About why you’re planning on breaking up with me” I hid in my hood once again and he pulled it down, “Tell me why you’re so scared” he whispered
“Justin I have issues”
“I know you do but you need to tell me what they are so I can help you get over them”
“I don’t want to bore you”
“I want to be bored” he said seriously as he grabbed my hands in his, “Is it about Vanessa’s father?” I licked my lips and nodded my head, “Tell me”
“I haven’t told you anything about him” he shook his head, “I don’t tell anyone about him because I don’t want to remember him, but I do. I always will and it kills me. He’s ruined me forever. I can’t trust anymore, I can’t let people into my life” I felt the tears coming down my face again. I’ve never cried in front of anyone before, except Michelle Kimmel in third grade when she broke my Barbie. She made fun of me for so long and ever since then I would never cry in front of anyone, not my best friends or even my parents. But for some reason I wasn’t embarrassed crying in front of Justin. I knew he wouldn’t make fun of me and I knew that he just wanted to help. “Chris and I dated in high school. We like… fell in love or whatever, I thought it was love. Looking back it was not love. It wasn’t lust. It was nothing even remotely close to love. It was just attention. OK, I have to tell you about my parents, see I have so many problems I don’t even know where to start”
“Start wherever you want. You can go back and forth, I’ll keep up”
“Ok, my parents… I’m from a really small town where everyone knows everyone and everyone is in everybody else’s business. And it’s really important for my family that everyone thinks that we’re a perfect little family. They’re not perfect, they have so many problems”
“Every family has problems”
“Yeah but… my dad really drinks a lot and he’d hit my mother and…” I paused because just talking about that makes me break down. It shouldn’t still get to me the way it does, I haven’t even seen him in four years but it’s still on my brain.
“Did he hit you?” I nodded my head, “Oh God baby, I’m so sorry”
“No, it’s not even that big of a deal”
“Are you kidding? That’s a big deal”
“Well my mother had problems too and she just wanted everyone to think we were a perfect family but I mean obviously we weren’t. And it killed me that she just sat there and let him hit her and let him hit me and she never did anything. I’m the only kid and I was a mistake, I mean they told me that pretty much every day of my life”
“They told you that?”
“Yeah. All the time” I said softly, “So I met Chris in high school and I thought it was love because he paid attention to me and he made me feel special. And at first it was really special I mean, he was nice to me. When you’re so used to everyone treating you like shit it only takes the slightest thing to make you feel special. So we dated in high school and he helped me escape from my parents all the time. He understood me, or at least I thought he did. I was eighteen when I got pregnant with Vanessa. He wanted me to get an abortion but I would never ever be able to live with myself if I did that. And I think I knew that if I had child I would have at least one person in this world that I knew would love me” I can’t believe I’m telling him all this. He held tightly onto my hands making me feel like it was ok to continue, “Chris and I were already having problems by that time. He started treating me like everyone else had always treated me. But instead of realizing that I shouldn’t be treated like that I just went with it because that’s all I ever knew. When I told my parents I was pregnant they ordered me to get an abortion. They said if I didn’t they wouldn’t help me out at all and they don’t want to see me or my baby ever again”
“Have they seen her?”
“A few times” I shook my head “I moved in with Chris and he was with other girls. He’d work late or not even come home and I was so sure that he was cheating on me but I didn’t think there was anything I could do. He was all I had, and even though I knew he was horrible he was someone. I just ignored it and hoped that it would go away. So then I had Vanessa and at first he was amazing. Like he stopped going out and really focused on being a father. When he tried he was really a good father. Like he’s a good person deep down but he just gets caught up in the bad things in life”
“Did he ever hit you?” Justin asked, the look on his face told me he was really interested and he felt like he could protect me.
“Yeah” I whispered, nodding my head, “I was fine with it, I mean I didn’t care that he hit me”
“Why do you say that? He should not have hit you. No one should ever hit you. Izzy, don’t ever let anyone hit you”
“I know. I mean I don’t care if he hit me but I just woke up one day and realized that I was turning out to be just like my mother. He never hit Vanessa but I was so scared that he was going to start and then I wouldn’t know what to do. I had our bags packed for months waiting for the perfect time to run away but I was so scared he would come find us. So finally, one night I just woke up and saw what was really happening for once and realized that I had to go. I grabbed our bags and Vanessa and just drove. I had nowhere to go and no one to see but I just had to get out of there and away from him”
“And you came here”
“Yeah” I nodded my head, “We made it here and I found Kyle and he gave me a job and understood that I needed to be home a lot with Vanessa and he saved our lives. And that’s why I’m so fucked up”
“Can I ask you something?” I nodded my head, “What’s going on with the guy now? Chris?”
“I don’t know” I shrugged, “I honestly haven’t heard from him since the day we left. I was afraid that he would come after us but I should have known he wouldn’t. He doesn’t care, he’s happy we left and he doesn’t have the responsibility and he can just sleep with whoever he wants without it sitting on his conscience”
“And your parents never met Vanessa?”
“No” I shook my head, “Well they met her once. I thought I’d be the bigger person and bring her over there. But they didn’t even want to see her. I thought once they saw her and got to know her they’d get over their stupid reputation. But they didn’t. They just looked at her and slammed the door in our faces. And she was so good” I stopped as I cried, the tears were not flowing steadily down my face without any sign of slowing down, “She was two years old and so cute and so well behaved. She just stayed in my arms smiling and giggling and they slammed the door in our face. I don’t care that they don’t care about me but it hurts that they don’t want to get to know my daughter. I mean, she didn’t do anything to them, she deserves to know her grandparents”
“She doesn’t need grandparents like that”
“I know” I said as I sat up cross-legged, “I know that. Like deep down I know that but I still wish she had some family besides me”
“I think it’s kind of cool, just the two of you. You can take on the world together” he smiled as he sat up, causing me to smile, “That’s what we were like for a while, my mother and I,” He grabbed onto my hands, “Listen, baby I know you’ve been through some shitty times. I’m so sorry that you had to go through all that but I will never do anything to hurt you. I will never cheat on you; I will never ever hit you. Things are going great between us; you can’t end it because you’re afraid something is going to happen. I would never let any of that shit happen to you. I won’t let anything happen to you or Vanessa. I’m not saying I’m this god or something but if I were with you when all that shit happened it never would have happened. If I ever saw that Chris kid I would personally kick the shit out of him for even laying a hand on you. If I saw your father I probably would too, even though I know he’s family and it’s kind of wrong to beat up your girlfriend’s father” I smiled slightly and he laughed, “If I saw your mother I would not hit her because I would never hit a woman but I would sit her down and have a serious chat with her” he pulled me into a hug, “Baby, I want to take care of you, I won’t let anything happen to either of you. You deserve to be happy. You can’t run away and hide from this because you’re afraid of being happy”
“Mommy, I can’t sleep” I heard Vanessa and looked up to see her standing at the door with her teddy bear in her arms, “Justin’s here!” she screamed as she dropped the teddy on the ground and jumped on the bed making her way between Justin and myself. I quickly wiped my eyes and hoped she wouldn’t notice that I’d been crying
“Hey gorgeous, how are you doing?” Justin asked with a chuckle
“Gooood. Wanna go play Barbie’s?”
“Booboo, come on, it’s bed time” I said as I gave her a hug and held on a little too long, “Why can’t you sleep?”
“I don’t know. I’m just not tired. I think maybe because I want to play Barbie’s”
“Oh you think that’s it huh?” I asked with a chuckle, “I think you need to sleep and we’ll play Barbie’s tomorrow”
“With Justin too?” Vanessa looked up at me and I noticed Justin looking at me for my answer as well
“Well, Justin wants us to come over tomorrow and go swimming. What do you think?”
“Yeah!” she jumped on the bed. I looked over at Justin and saw him smiling
“You definitely need to go to sleep though or you won’t be able to come. You’ll be too tired” Justin said with a smile
“Ok, I will” she fell on the bed and curled up with me, “Goodnight Mommy, I love you”
“Goodnight Booboo, I love you too,” I said with a chuckle
“Goodnight Justin, I love you”
“Night Gorgeous, I love you too”
“Goodnight Justin” I said softly looking in his eyes, “I love you”
“I love you too,” he said softly before kissing me gently on the forehead.
I closed my eyes as I laid there in Justin’s arms with Vanessa in mine, and thanked god for bringing Justin into my life. I never felt this way before.
Now I believe in love, maybe even love at first sight. I know that it’s not easy and it’s something you need to work for. I’m aware that my journey with Justin is not going to be an easy one. But as I lay here I made a silent promise to myself that I will not give up. I’m not used to someone caring for Vanessa and I the way Justin does. I will not think that the world is out to get me. Everyone goes through hard times and I know I sure have. But everyone gets a happy ending. I think I always knew I’d get mine; it just came faster than I expected.
Author's Chapter Notes:
Thank you all so much for reading and leaving such great reviews. I really liked writing this one and your feedback made everything come so easily! Thanks again!
Chapter End Notes:
The end!
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Please let me know how you liked it :)
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