Remember when we never needed each other?
Those days are gone, and I want you so much
The night is long, and I need your touch
Don’t know what to say “ never meant to feel this way
What can I do to make you mine?
Falling so hard, so fast this time
What did I say, what did you do?
How did I fall in love with you?
I don’t know how I ended up here. I don’t know what happened. I can’t think of the moment that Justin and I became so close that I couldn’t detach myself from him, but somewhere along the line, I began hating to love what I used to love hating. He saved me from something I didn’t even know I needed refuge of “ myself.
It’s been a few hours since Justin and I had sex. Afterwards, things between us weren’t as awkward as they should have been, but an insane amount of remorse swept over me, and it took all I had in me to not jump off of his balcony in shame. I mean, he cried. Justin Timberlake cried. I’ve never seen a man shed a tear over anything that I’ve done to, for, or with them, but he did. I told him that he amazed me, not even fully understanding the heights of just how incredible he really was.
We’re laid in his bed now, me under the pretense that I’ve been asleep for the past four hours. It’s dark in here, so I can’t see his resting form, but I can hear the rhythm of his breathing, accompanied by an ever-so-slight snore. His arm is draped protectively over my stomach area and I could feel the warmth of his fingers radiating through my t-shirt. Meanwhile, my heart is beating out of its chest and I’m wondering how he can sleep through that chaos. I certainly can’t. I’ve been wide awake since my body hit the mattress.
Eventually, it just got to be too much for me. I couldn’t lay there in complete misery, knowing that this secret I was harboring contained such a painful result for the beautiful man next to me. As quietly as I could, I slid out of Justin’s arms and from the huge bed in hopes of retrieving my clothes and essentially finding my way home before having to be at work in a few hours.
Justin, however, a much lighter sleeper than he let on, focused on me as soon as he felt the bed shift. “What are you doing?” he asked tranquilly.
“I have to get home,” I answered, searching the dark room for my pants.
He groaned in weariness, his eyes closed, and yawned. “What are you talking about?”
“I have to get home and get ready for work.”
“Don’t go in.”
“I have to “ I’m running low on sick days for the year.”
“It’s November. How many more could you need?”
“Justin.”
“You can use one of mine,” he whispered back, rolling over to his stomach. “Just come back to bed.”
“I really do have to go.”
There was shuffling behind me before Justin turned on the television to serve as light in the dark room. “Dawn, it’s a quarter to 5AM. You can’t go anywhere this early.”
“I have to.”
“No, you don’t. I can easily run over to Macy’s and get you some shit to wear to work.”
“They don’t open till 10:00.”
“We’ll break in,” he quipped. I could hear him smiling in his words. “Dawn, I don’t want you to leave.”
“I have to. I promised Sky’s mother that I would take him to school,” I lied.
“That kid from the Boys and Girls Club?” I didn’t answer, but continued to fumble through his bedroom, looking for shit that wasn’t there. “DJ, he’s not your responsibility, and I didn’t want to say it, but I think you invest too much of your time and money into him. I know you love him, but for God’s sake, he’s not your son.”
God, Justin, if you only knew. “He is,” I said lowly, halfway praying that he didn’t hear me.
There wasn’t even a hint of a pause between us before Justin said, “What?”
I sighed and bit at my bottom lip wondering if this was when and how I wanted to tell him. “He is my son.”
“I’m sorry, but it sounds like you’re saying he’s your son. Speak up.”
I grimaced internally at having to repeat myself over and over again. “Sky is my son, Justin.”
There was a slight hush between us before I heard a thud in the darkness. I turned my head just in time to see Justin redeeming his fall from his bed to the floor. I immediately rushed to his side in concern. “Are you all right?”
He kept his head lowered, most likely to avoid my gaze, and shrugged my touch away. “Yeah. Just back off, all right?”
“Well, let me at least help you from”“
“Just don’t touch me!”
God, not this again. Shocked and discouraged, I moved away from him and walked to the other side of the TV where my shoes sat. The eeriness of the silence between us was deafening. Instead of enduring it, my cowardice made me want to escape, so I headed for the spiral steps, driving myself crazy with wonderment of what he was thinking.
I’d gotten to the second step when his voice softly streamed through my line of hearing. “Why didn’t you tell me?” I looked back in his direction where I saw him perched at the edge of his bed, still peering at the floor. “Why’d you lie?”
I sighed and took a seat on the top step. “I don’t know,” I lied again. God, stop lying you stupid bitch! “I didn’t want you to start asking questions.”
“What? Did you think I was too immature to handle you having a son? Or that I’d think less of you because you had a kid out of wedlock? It’s 2004. Give me a little credit here, Dawn.”
“That’s not why”“ I interrupted. “I just didn’t want”“
“You thought I was too shallow to wanna deal with you and a kid?”
“No, Justin! I just”“
“Well then what!”
“I’m married!”
The way he blinked at those staggering words, I knew that I’d just shattered his heart, his pride, and any other internal intricacies that are fragile and meant to be handled with care. I could see his eyes slicing through the dimness. What was once a warm, inviting sapphire color quickly turned to a distant, cloudy navy blue, much like the midnight sky on a cold winter night.
“Justin, I’m so sor”“
“Get out,” he said firmly.
“Please,” I began, rising from the steps, “just let me explain.”
“Get out,” he repeated. He didn’t move a muscle. He didn’t look in my direction anymore. He didn’t blink. If it hadn’t been so quiet, I wouldn’t have even thought he was breathing. It was like he’d been paralyzed and couldn’t bring himself to do anything but gaze at the images on the television screen dancing in front of him.
I stood there momentarily, hoping he’d say something else, thereby forcing me to stay and respond. But in the short time that I’ve known Justin, I’ve learned that when he says something, he means it. So as he sat there muted, I thought it best to get my shit and disappear into the obscurity of the early morning.
It wasn’t long after I made my way downstairs, looking for my jacket and keys, when I heard a slight whimper amid the hush of the apartment. It was directly followed by a sniffle. I then began to imagine the heartbreaking sound of his tears dropping to the floor, because, as unbelievable as it was, Justin Timberlake was crying. Again.
The unbearable sound sent me out of the apartment faster than I would have left had I not known that he was in such a shambles, but the last thing I was going to do was leave. I walked out of apartment 3C and settled into the lush carpet of the hallway outside Justin’s place. I wasn’t going to lift a limb from the floor until I could talk to him. Unfortunately, his door was in the middle of the hall, so my pitiful self is the first thing people will have to step over on their way to work, but I don’t care. I rested my head against the wall behind me, brought my knees to my chest, and I waited.
Just as I anticipated, the neighbors retreated from their respective apartments, glancing at me awkwardly, and trying to make casual conversation. That’s one thing I love about New York “ everything is so diverse. Some people can find anything to talk to you about. Other people will walk right into your ass like you’re half past invisible. This morning, I’ve experienced both.
Ironically enough, the one person that I do know in this building is the one whose reaction was the most aloof. Justin came out of his apartment “ like clockwork “ at 8AM, dressed in his gray suit and red tie. He took a short glance down at me, rolled his eyes, shook his head, and went on his damn way.
I don’t know why I expected this to be that simple. I hurt him, I know. Hell, I hurt me. But it’s not so cut and dry. There’s no Sky with a bruise for Mommy to make all better. This is Justin with a wound the size of Texas that Dawn just doesn’t know how to fix. Someone should really consider inventing Band-aids for broken hearts.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
It seemed like days were passing as I sat in that hallway. I ended up pulling out my cell phone every three minutes to check how slowly time had been crawling by. I don’t know how it is that I survived the day. By 2:00, I was wishing I’d taken some of those leftovers from dinner last night. But what I did know is that Justin was worth the wait, so I was relieved when 6PM was approaching, meaning he’d be getting home any minute.
Or not. It was close to 9:00 when Justin came sauntering down the hall with his usual cocky swagger. He didn’t look a bit of hurt when he approached his door, still finding some way to ignore my presence. I’ve been sitting here for fifteen goddamn hours! That deserves at least a second glance.
He walked in and didn’t resurface for another half hour. See, it’s shit like this that makes me wanna give up on the motherfucker. He opened the door with his basket full of laundry and stepped over me for the third time today. This time, though, I knew he was doing it because he wanted to and not because he had to. He knew that he’d open the door to see me still sitting there. So I decided that if he was going to ignore me, I could do the same to him. I got up and followed him onto the elevator and down to the basement where the laundry room was.
I watched from the entrance as he piled his collection of red, white and gray shit into the washing machines, insert his quarters, and pour the washing powder over his clothes. Being the confrontational dick that he sometimes is, he turned and pushed past me to leave the laundry room and, instead of utilizing the elevators, braved the six-flight walk to the third floor. Yes, right on the back of his heels, I followed.
We got to his door, and just as I expected, he slammed the door in my face. But I took a shot in the dark having not heard the lock of the door turn, and I walked my ass in there like I owned the joint.
“How come you didn’t lock it?” I asked, following him on his path to the living room.
He didn’t answer, but turned on his stereo to blast some Jay-Z. As luck would have it, he chose “99 Problems.” Bastard.
“Justin, please talk to me,” I beseeched.
“You have nothing to say to me,” he replied, staring blankly at the balcony.
Well… he’s right. I have nothing but a lame-ass apology. I closed my eyes, waiting for something more plausible to find my brain. This is Justin. ‘I’m sorry’ just isn’t gonna cut it here. Still, my inexplicable sorrow could only muster up those two words. “I’m sorry.”
“Sorry for what?”
“I’m sorry for lying to you about Sky. I’m sorry for not telling you about “ about him.” I couldn’t bring my lips to release Michael’s name in front of Justin. “I’m sorry for being married and falling in love with you.”
“Why?” he asked, finally turning off the stereo.
I’m not a perfect person
There’s many things I wish I didn’t do
“Because I wasn’t trying to hurt you here.” I didn’t mean to fall.
“So what were you trying to do? Just get some dick on the side?”
“No! I was just “ I… don’t know. I wasn’t trying to do anything. I”“
“Let me guess. You just wanted a friend, right? Why’d it have to be me?”
Those notorious motherfuckers that we call tears were welling up in my eyes and I knew I was on the verge of breaking. My bottom lip quivered at the plethora of thoughts running in and out of my mind. “I wanted to know you. I didn’t wake up one day and say, ‘Hey, I’m gonna go make a friend while my husband is gone for the nineteenth time this year.’ It was you.”
“But why!”
“I don’t know!” I yelled as a tear rushed down my cheek. “You threw me for a loop with your Boston fan bullshit and your chauvinism. I saw something there that made me want to know more.”
But I continue learning
He nodded calmly and frowned at the floor. “I hate you for this.”
“I know. And I’m so sorry.”
I never meant to do those things to you
“Do me a favor and stop with the apologizing. That shit doesn’t fix a goddamn thing.”
“I know,” I repeated softly.
“Goddamn it, Dawn! How fucking dare you! How dare you do this to me! What gave you the right to break into my life and make me love you! You’re married, Dawn.”
I’m sorry that I hurt you
“Please just know that everything I’ve ever felt for you is genuine.”
“No! fuck that. You can’t feel anything for me. You’re married with a kid and that’s it. It stops there.”
It’s something I must live with everyday
“I can’t just cut off my emotions.”
“You have to. I’m not dealing with this.”
“Justin.”
“God, Dawn, I hate you! We had sex for Christ’s sake!”
I closed my eyes and let last night replay in my heart. “I just wanted some happiness, Justin. And you gave me that “ something that I haven’t had in years.”
“You don’t get it, do you? I may be a lot of shit, but I’m not a goddamn liar and I’m not some kind of fucked up homewrecker. That’s what you’ve turned me into.”
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
“No, Justin. My home was already fucked up. If anything, you reinvented me. You gave me feeling and provoked laughter again. You reintroduced me to affection.”
“No! Stop!”
“Yes!”
“No!” he reiterated. I watched as tears, identical to mine, began to find his delicate face, accompanied by a disheartening shade of poignant pink. “Dawn, you turned me into what I hate. I’m Paul now. I’m the same guy that stole my mother from me.” He unexpectedly buried his face into the brown leather of his sofa. “I hate you,” he added hoarsely.
And be the one that catches all your tears
I stood in my position across from him, swiping desperately at the endless fall of tears from my eyes. Every tear ostensibly gave me another reason to fight for him. But knowing Justin, every second that passed was giving him another reason to give up.
“Just get out,” he finally whispered.
“I can’t. I can’t leave you like this.”
“Get the fuck out, Dawn.”
That’s why I need you to hear
I found a reason for me to change who I used to be
“No! I didn’t try to hurt you, so stop with this asshole bullshit. Justin, I know that I fucked up here, but you don’t know what my life was like. It’s been six years that I’ve been living in the prison of a loveless marriage. Before I met you, I never even thought of trying to escape. But damn it, we did meet. Why? I don’t know, but something pulled you and I together in that fuckin’ coffee shop. Something gravitated my heart towards yours. I don’t know, but I didn’t plan on it. You think I wanted to fall for you behind my husband’s back? No! I’ve always done the right thing in life. I always played by the rules. Dawn gets pregnant, so Dawn gets married. Does Dawn love him? No, but it’s only right. So Dawn gives up law school and the Park Avenue apartment. Dawn gives up on happiness. She settles for the goddamn secretary position in the law office. She settles on the brownstone in Brooklyn. What is marriage without love? It’s fucking torture! Oh, and a bunch of legal mumbo-jumbo when you look at it on paper. So as sorry as I am that I’m hurting you, I don’t regret a second that we’ve spent together. Because in spite of you driving me mad with your attitude, you’ve made me feel again, Justin. I was needed. I was loved. I was happy. And you can hate me for that, but I won’t allow you or anyone else make me feel bad for getting the piece of that pie that I missed out on so long ago.”
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you
He gazed at me as if he were looking through me to figure out what I was really saying. His furrowed eyebrows scared me because they loomed over a set of extremely empty eyes. It seemed that he wanted to understand, but he couldn’t. He wanted to forgive me, but he wouldn’t. “This is why I don’t let people in,” he announced. “This is why I don’t care. I can’t.”
“Don’t say that, Justin.”
“Why not? It’s true. You’ve wondered all this time why I’m so cold. Here it is, staring us in the fucking face, Dawn. This started off with me unwilling to love. Turns out, I’ve become the goddamn poster boy for the unrequited love story.”
“Just stop,” I pleaded. “I know this was a shock to you, but there’s a simple solution to this all. I’ll just--”
“No!” he interjected. “Don’t even say it.” He finally took a long gulp and sniffled again before rising from the couch. He walked to me and wrapped his massive, strong arms around my shoulders. He rested his cheek over my head and I could feel his hot tears seeping through my hair, down to my scalp. “I want you to know that I understand,” he said in a hushed tone. “But we can’t do this.”
Those five words made me flinch underneath his embrace, although they didn’t surprise me. I just nodded slightly and cried some more. The pain of it all wouldn’t let me do anything else.
“I wouldn’t let you go if I didn’t have to.”
“But?” I sniffled.
“But I just can’t be that guy.”
“You’re not that guy, Justin.”
“I will be if I stay in this situation. I’ll be a hypocrite. I’ll be the epitome of what I’ve condemned my mother for all these years.”
“Or you could use this to try and understand her position and the huge dilemma”“
“That she put herself in,” he finished, pulling away from me. “There’s no excuse.”
“I know there’s no excuse. But there is a reason.”
I’ve found a reason to show
A side of me you didn’t know
“Yeah, and it’s the same reason that you have to stay with your family. I refuse to be the reason that you abandon them, Dawn.”
“But you”“
“So you have to go.”
Did you hear that? Yes, that was the inimitable sound of Justin walking back and forth across my heart “ yes, the same one that was ripped out and thrown on the floor when he told me to get out this morning. I pulled myself out of his hold and looked around his apartment, allowing my memory to be flooded with the many moments we shared in our short time together. In the realm of love and loss, an approximate two months seems like such a short time to have so much emotion attached to our situation, but as they say, in a New York minute, everything can change.
“I guess this is as good as it gets,” I commented regretfully.
“I meant it when I said it.”
“Said what?”
There was a hint of a slight grin when he replied, “You make me wanna be a better man.”
Ladies and gentlemen, that is as good as it gets. I smiled back at him, and shrugged my coat back over my arms. I went to the door, unsure of what to say in the middle of such a heartrending ordeal. The drama of the situation was over, as was the romance. No more apologies. No more abstract wishes.
I never believed in the whole concept of ‘goodbye.’ You only say that to those that you’ll never see again. I turned from the open door, back to where Justin’s soft and curious face stared back at me. Oddly enough, it turns out that he makes me want to be a better woman. And for that, I can’t say ‘goodbye.’ “I’ll see you around, Justin.”
A reason for all that I do
And the reason is you
Lyrics: “How Did I Fall In Love With You?” “ Backstreet Boys (Black & Blue)
“The Reason” “ Hoobastank (The Reason)
Story Tags: Be the first to add a tag to this story
