It was love at first sight
I know from the way she looked at me
Her eyes said it all
Long days and nights we spent
Until she dropped the bomb on me
When she said that she was unhappily married with children
Married. Can you fuckin' believe that shit? All that time, Dawn James was a motherfuckin' married woman. The one time that I allowed myself to open up and genuinely adore something other than the goddamn Red Sox, it ends up being out of my reach. And it's not like she just had a boyfriend. She's married. With a kid. That's just basically ripping my heart out and playing fuckin' kickball with it.
It hurt so bad, for sure
Because she wants to be with me
But she cannot be with me
She chose to stay at home
So they could be a family for the children
But what about me?
It's been about a month since DJ and I went our separate ways. I've thought about her every single day since then. I've worked overtime just so I can avoid seeing her during the day. Joey said she came up to the office one Friday while I was at the NYSE headquarters. I knew it wouldn't be easy to forget about it all, but it's hard to even stop remembering.
I wish I never met her at all
I get into these moods where my mind wanders and I overanalyze shit. I wonder what we could've been if she hadn't been married. I think about how fuckin' awesome we would've been together if I'd just told her to leave her husband. I envision life with her and her son, living with me and us being our own little familial unit. But then, my mind starts to drift into how difficult shit would be and I start to resent the entire notion. I convince myself that I'd rather live the simplicity of single life than to be tied down by a wife and kid that don't even belong to me. And then, that's when I think of my mother. It all goes downhill from there. My whole thought process goes from innocently content to some overzealous form of anger. I'd look at Dawn and only be reminded of the pain that me and my dad went through when my mother walked out on us. I can say that I understand DJ's position, and even empathize with it, but I just don't think I'm willing to be a part of it.
Even though, I love her so and she's got love for me
But she still belongs to someone else
It's a cold ass snowy December Saturday and I vowed that I'd make some sort of effort at Christmas shopping before Christmas Day actually got here, so today, I'm heading down to 34th Street to see what I can find. I pulled on my jacket, perched my baseball cap over my head and left my apartment to greet the fury of holiday crowds as optimistically as I could.
+++++
I had been in and out of damn near every store around, not knowing what the fuck I was looking for, but knowing that I had yet to find it. You'd think with all the people bustling back and forth down the streets, a little body heat would radiate through the city, but it was cold as fuck and nothing parading down the sidewalk along with me was helping that shit, either. Tired and frustrated, I snuck inside of Manhattan Mall for a little heat and hopefully some inspiration as to just what to buy my dad, and maybe even Dawn for Christmas. I was passing Brookstone when my cell phone vibrated vehemently against the side of my stomach from inside my jacket pocket.
"Hello?" I answered, having not recognized the number received.
"Justin?"
I stood still in the middle of the mall walkway trying to place the familiar voice but failing miserably. "Who is this?"
"It's your mother." I glanced at the screen for a second time to check the number, finding a 212 area code. I was sure that it couldn't be my mother, because that would me that… "I'm in New York," she added.
"And?"
Her voice was airy and seemed fragile - nothing like a Boston native. "And I wanted to see you, Justin."
"What for? We have nothing to say to each other."
"Well, I know you hate to recognize it, but you are my son and I do love-"
"How about you don't go there, all right? I'm busy, so maybe some other time."
"Justin. Please."
I sighed heavily and looked around the large, crowded mall. I gazed at the couples, so fucking happy-looking you could choke on the cheese; the families scurrying in and out of stores with their handfuls of bags and armfuls of kids; the big groups of friends - half of them have less than a dime in their pocket, but still look on top of the world. I didn't fit into any of those categories. I was alone.
"Justin, are you there?"
"Yeah."
"Can you meet me somewhere?"
"After six years, I guess we're due for another meeting." Tis' the fuckin' season, I guess. "Where do you wanna meet?"
+++++
An hour and a half later, I was sitting at Starbucks inside of Macy's across from my mother. I, Justin Timberlake, was sitting with Lynn Timberlake, or Harless - whatever - I was having coffee with my motherfuckin' mother. Apparently, miracles really do happen on 34th Street.
"So are you seeing anyone?" We'd basically been giving each other interviews, serving as an update on our lives. I guess I should've prepared for that one.
I looked down to the table and watched the steam rise from the tiny hole in the top of my cup. "No."
"No?"
I looked back at her, staring at the top of her straight blonde hair to avoid her eyes and repeated myself. "No, I'm not seeing anyone."
"Oh. I see."
"Is there a problem with that?"
"Not at all. I'm just surprised that someone as handsome as you doesn't have a girlfriend."
"Well I guess I'm just not the girlfriend type," I retorted. "How's Phil?"
"I'm sorry?"
"Your new husband."
"His name is Paul and he's been my husband for fourteen years, Justin."
No shit. "You don't have to throw it in my face, Lynn."
She turned away from me and took sips from her cup. "I'm sorry."
"For what?"
"For being inconsiderate. Why don't we talk about something else?"
"Why?"
"Because I didn't want this to be a confrontational meeting. I just wanted to see my son."
"Well you've seen me, so does that mean I can go now?" I rose from my chair and started to replace my jacket.
"Justin, please don't do this."
"Do what?"
"Leave."
"Oh, you mean like you did to me? Don't walk away like you did to dad?"
Her blue eyes met mine and cried out for forgiveness, and as much as I want to, I'm just not ready to have mercy. "Don't make me beg."
I sat back down heatedly and peered at her. "You should beg. You should know how it feels to not have control over someone's reaction to your own fucked up choices."
"I was wrong. But if you push me away, how does that make you any better than me?"
Now she wants to be a mother. "I - it doesn't."
"So can't we start over? Try again?"
"No!" I shouted. I knew people were beginning to stare at us, but at that point, I didn't care.
"I never meant to hurt you or your father," she whispered.
"Well you did. What gave you the right to find someone else?"
"There's no excuse for it. Your father was just always so busy working and I was alone and unhappy. I wanted something new - a friend, and I found it in Paul."
As I sat there listening to her try to justify her actions, déjà vu settled in and it was like listening to Dawn's speech all over again. I wondered how the same goddamn thing could happen to me twice in one lifetime. What they said made sense to me, but it didn't excuse it at all. How do you forgive the unforgivable?
"Your father has forgiven me and moved on with his life. Why can't you?"
"He was a man when you left him. It hurt him, but he could handle it. I was nine. How the fuck do you look a kid in the eyes and say that you're choosing a stranger over him and expect him to cope with that?"
"Justin, that's not what I did. You didn't want to be a part of my life."
"Stop making excuses! You fucked it all up! You're the one that left!"
"I know that, but I can't take it back. I would, honestly, if I could. But we can move on from that point, Justin. You just have to be willing to take that step with me. I know that your father taught you forgiveness."
I took a deep breath and shook the tears that were stinging the back of my head. She was right. My father did teach me forgiveness. He also taught me to forgive the right people, and I decided fourteen years ago that she wasn't one of them. "You're right," I finally replied. "He taught me that forgiveness was a gift to be bestowed upon only those that are deserving of it." I got up from my seat once again and looked down to her. "And as much as I want to, I can't find a reason good enough to give you that gift."
She used the nail of her index finger to stop her tears from showing and used a napkin to wipe at her nose. "I'm your mother, Justin. You should love me enough to--"
"No. I don't know you. I don't love people just because I'm supposed to. I love them because they elicit sentiment and reciprocate emotions. I've come to understand why you did what you did all those years ago, but I can't forgive those actions without a justifiable reason. So maybe you should just head on back to Boston."
"But-"
"And on your way back, if you happen to pass anyone resembling a mother, tell her that I could use one." Finally, with closure, I picked up my cup of hot chocolate, and headed towards the exit.
I was about five steps from escaping the confines of Hell that were contained in that particular Starbucks when the unmistakable sound of Dawn's laugh tickled my audible range. I turned in the direction of the sound to see her engaged in animated conversation with whom I assumed to be Sky. I smiled at the sight. That's how a mother and son should be - not the broken mess that my pitiful mother and me are ever-evolving into.
I backtracked to where DJ and Sky sat, willing and ready to say something. It was also then that any buoyancy that I had left in me was destroyed by the appearance of a tall, black man, resembling some form of LL Cool J. He sat down next to Sky and smiled with Dawn. I can only presume that that's her husband. I should walk around with my heart in my hand so that people can just take a stab at it when they want. Dejected and torn, I turned back towards the exit and headed into the men's section of the department store.
Run, running all the time
"Justin!" I was almost sure that it was DJ's voice calling me, but my luck would have it that it was only my mother being annoying and ignorant again. "Justin, I know you hear me, bitch!"
I smiled to myself, knowing only Dawn would shout that across a store. I stopped in my tracks and turned around to see her walking towards me, beaming. "Hey," I murmured.
"Hey! What was up with that in there?"
"What?"
"In Starbucks. You were like 2 seconds from the table and then disappeared."
"Well, I saw your husband and I thought I should back off."
She looked at me knowingly and rolled her eyes playfully. "Why have you been avoiding me at the office then?"
"Look, Dawn, I'm just really not in the mood for us to move on and pretend this shit never happened."
"That's cool."
"So maybe I'll see you around."
"No," she answered, pulling me through the store with her. "I wanted to talk to you - see how you were doing."
"I'm okay."
"So guess what?" she smiled, punching me in the arm.
"What?"
"I got into law school, motherfucker!"
"For real?"
"Yup! Thanks to you!" She enclosed her arm over my neck and put me into a headlock, kissing my forehead in the process. "And Michael is helping me pay for what the scholarship stuff doesn't cover."
"Michael… Jackson?"
"No," she cackled. "Sorry, my um-"
"Oh."
"Yeah," she sighed. "So, I wanted to thank you and shit."
"Oh," I smiled meekly, wondering why we were walking in circles and not saying a goddamn thing.
"Okay, this is weird and I don't like holding my tongue, so I'm just gonna say it and hope your reaction is a good one."
"What's up?"
She bit her lip and smiled at the ceiling. "We're getting a divorce."
"Why?"
"It has nothing to do with you. Like I told you before, we just weren't happy. And we decided that it's unfair to raise Sky in an unhappy home."
I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to jump for fucking joy, but it seems wrong to be elated about something so negative. "That's true."
"Some people are just meant to be friends, I guess. Me and Michael have gotten along so much better since we've been separated."
"As in 'officially separated'?"
"Yeah. Me and Sky moved into a place in Park Slope near his school and he's with his daddy on the weekends."
"Wow."
"See that's what happens when you ignore me for a month. All kinds of changes going on."
"I wasn't ignoring you," I laughed. Not maliciously.
"Save it. I don't even care about the past. I'm just hoping you don't either."
"What are you trying to say here, Dawn?"
"Look, man, we're good together. You know that, I know that. Hell, Mike knows that. I just need to know that you can forgive me."
I flinched at that word. Forgive. It's just not something that I've mastered yet. I didn't answer her but continued to walk past the same racks of suits that we'd been by at least four times by now.
"If you don't, then I can leave you alone and we can stop making ourselves dizzy here," she joked.
I chuckled lightly and stopped in front of the Lacoste shirts' section. "I don't know what to say."
"You can say, 'Yes, Dawn, I'm willing to move on because I forgive you and I love you as much as you love me.'" She waited for me to respond but my head was saying too many things at once. "Any time now, Justin."
"I do love you. And I do want to move on. But-"
"But you can't forgive me."
Running to the future with you right by my side
Me, I'm the one you chose
Out of all the people, you wanted me the most
It's amazing to me how hard is it to not hold a grudge; not contain that shred of resentment that could eventually tear us apart. There's also that overwhelming amount of happiness that I have when she's around. I love her and I can admit that. Maybe this is what my dad was talking about when he said that I had to learn to forgive the right people.
And I'm so sorry that I've fallen
Help me up, let's keep on running
"No."
Her facial expression dropped and she blinked slowly in disappointment. "I see."
"No, I can forgive you. I'm just not sure that you've given me a reason to," I smiled.
Her eyes grew wide and her smile stretched from ear to ear. "If I fuck you up, will that be a reason?"
"No, that'll be a reason for me to kick your ass."
Don't let me fall out of love
She took hold of my hand and entwined her fingers with mine before quickly kissing the tops of my knuckles. "Thank you."
"No, thank you," I grinned. "Thank you for giving me a reason to try."
Be the one I need
Be the one I trust most
Don't stop inspiring me
"You're sure you want this?" she asked. "You're not gonna wake up in two months and hate me all of a sudden, are you?"
"Well, I just might. But if I know you, you'll find some way to make me love you again."
Sometimes it's hard to keep on running
Work so much to keep it going
Don't make me want to give up
"Wow, flattery. I really did change your ass, huh?"
We completed the circling of the men's department one last time before heading back towards the entrance to Starbucks. "That wasn't a compliment. That was just an example of just how anal you can be."
"You think that'll work for or against us?"
Running, as fast as we can
Do you think we'll make it?
Running, keep holding my hand
So we don't get separated
"Could go either way. But I swear to God if you lie to me ever again, Dawn."
"I sweah to Gahd, I'll never lie to you again," she giggled. "Unless I tell you I like the Sox to get out of an argument. Nice hat, by the way."
I tapped the tip of my Yankees cap and smiled for the millionth-fucking-time since I met her. And I'm so-fucking-glad I did.
The End
Lyrics: "I Wish" - Carl Thomas (Emotional)
"Running" - No Doubt (Rock Steady)
Completed
Ashley is the author of 8 other stories.
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