February 2008 

Emma picked up the remote control and turned the TV on as she sat down on the couch.  It had been a long day and even though it was Saturday she had gone into work to get some things done.

All she wanted to do now was watch a little TV and call Justin.  Emma flipped through the channels quickly and stopped when she saw his name on the bottom of the screen on an entertainment channel, and worse yet a video, apparently from the night before, of a girl kissing him and he wasn’t doing anything to stop it.

She turned the TV off as quickly as she could, and her heart broke.

Emma was fuming when she picked up her cell phone a minute later.  She wanted to know what happened.  But did she really?

“Justin,” Emma spoke sternly.  She couldn’t believe what she just saw on the TV.  She didn’t want to believe it.

“Emma?”  He asked.  Justin was confused by the tone of her voice.

“Why did I just see a video of you kissing some chick?”  Emma wanted to ask the question calmly, but couldn’t help but be harsh.

Justin didn’t know how to respond, because he knew exactly what she was talking about.  He had messed up and messed up badly.

“I’m sorry?”  It came out more like a question.

“Bye Justin.”  Emma said quietly.  She didn’t want to hear any explanation so she simply hung up, and when she did that, the tears started to fall.

Emma was hurt.  She loved him.

Her phone rang, but she ignored it knowing that it was Justin.  Emma curled up on the couch, not even bothering to wipe the tears from her face.  She knew Trevor was going to be home any minute, and as much as she wanted to be left alone about it, he would find out sooner rather than later.

Emma was alone with her thoughts and the phone ringing over and over again for 20 minutes before Trevor came into the house followed by Cody.  They two were laughing about something until they spotted her lying on the couch in tears and heard her cell phone ringing.

“What happened?”  Trevor walked over to her and she started to tear up again.  Trevor fumed when he saw Justin’s name on her cell phone.  Obviously he was who she was avoiding and the reason why she was crying. 

He picked up the phone and hit answer, “What did you do?”

It wasn’t a very happy question.  Trevor left the living room so he could yell at Justin without Emma having to hear it all.

“Justin?”  Cody asked quietly.  He sighed when Emma nodded and wiped her eyes.  Cody sat down on the other end of the couch and looked at one of his best friends.

“He’s stupid Emma.  He doesn’t even deserve the time of day from you.”  Emma didn’t say anything.  “Come here.”  Cody held his arms open so she would sit with him.

Emma sighed and then moved so she was leaning against him with her head on his shoulder.  Cody wrapped his arms around her the best he could.  They could hear Trevor’s voice carry from where he was in the den.

Trevor walked back into the living room doing his best to relax.  He sighed when he saw Emma curled up against Cody.  The two guys looked at each other, and Cody understood fully what had happened.

“Emmy-Leigh do you want some cocoa?”  Trevor asked quietly.  He knew that’s what she liked to drink when she was upset. 

Emma nodded her head “yes” in response.  He was the best little brother.

“Okay, I’ll go make you some,” he sighed and walked out of the living room.

“How could he do that to me?”  Emma asked Trevor sadly when he came back into the living room.  He handed her the mug and hot pad so she wouldn’t burn her hands.

“I don’t know Em, I don’t know,” Trevor sighed.  He sat down in the chair.

“I love him,” she teared up again.  Emma couldn’t even drink her hot chocolate.

Trevor really hated to say this because of how hurt his sister was, but he heard how sorry Justin was over the phone.  “I know … he loves you too Em.”

Emma sobbed.  Cody sighed and took the mug out of her hands so she wouldn’t spill it.  He wrapped his arms around her tighter, and she moved so she could curl up in his lap.

“Why’d you say that, dude?”  Cody sighed again.

“I don’t know … he just sounded really pathetic,” Trevor ran a hand through his hair.

Cody just shook his head and some of his hair fell into his eyes when he looked down at Emma.  She was wiping her nose with the back of her hand and sniffling.  Her phone rang again and Trevor looked at it.

“Do you want to talk to him?”  Trevor asked.  He couldn’t believe Justin was trying to call again.  Well maybe he could because Justin really did sound pitiful on the phone.

“No,” Emma said. 

Trevor hit the “busy” button on the phone and then just turned it off.

*  *  *

Emma didn’t even go to church or to her parents’ house on Sunday, which is what she always did.  She knew they were concerned but figured Trevor would explain it all to them.  It had been a crummy weekend, and when she walked into work Monday morning Bryan pointed it out.

“You look like crap,” Bryan said noticing how tired she looked.

“Thanks,” Emma sighed and dropped her bag on the floor under her desk.  Then she dropped herself into her desk chair causing it to roll backward a bit.

“What’s wrong?”  He asked rolling back from his computer a little so he could get a good look at her.

“Justin,” Emma teared up a little at the mention of his name.  She was tired of talking and thinking about him.

“What’d he do?”  Bryan narrowed his eyes.

“Kissed someone else,” she sighed and took her eyes off of him.  Emma angrily jabbed at the power button on her computer.

“What a jerk.”  Bryan stated and turned back to his computer screen.  He figured she was tired of the whole thing, so he left it alone.  It was quiet for a few moments. 

“I want to drop his project.”

“What?” Bryan was shocked.  At some point in January, Justin had asked them to redo and maintain the WilliamRast Web site.  That meant big bucks and major name recognition for 479design.  And that was what they wanted for their company; to take it to the top.

“I can’t do it Bryan,” Emma sighed and leaned back in her chair.  “I know it screws up our plans to hire a few more people and to grow … but I just don’t want to deal with him right now.”

“What if I just do it?”  Bryan suggested.  “You wouldn’t have to deal with it.  I won’t even talk on the phone with them if you’re here.”  He really didn’t want to drop the project.  It was worth too much for the company.

“Ugh … I don’t know.”  She knew how much it meant to him to take 479 to the next level.  Emma wanted that too.  “You promise?”   

“Of course.  Give me all you have on it now and you don’t ever have to look at it again.”  

“Everything’s in the shared folder,” Emma said.

“Perfect,” Bryan smiled and turned back to his computer screen.  “I’ll just take it out of there and keep it on my computer.”  He found the folder on the shared drive and moved it to his computer desktop.

“K,” Emma sighed and opened the file folder on her desk for the newsletter she was working on for a local company.

“Why don’t you go see Fefe,” Bryan suggested.

“You know she hates that,” Emma looked around her computer screen at him.

“I know.  That’s why I call her that.”  He grinned back.  Emma just shook her head.  “Seriously though, you should go to New York and just chill out.  Maybe do some painting.”

Fefe, as Bryan so affectionately called her, was Felicia Faye Jones, a friend of theirs from college.  They had all gotten their Bachelor of Fine Arts degrees together and had been friends from the moment they met in drawing one, so many years ago. 

After they had graduated from Arkansas, Fee had moved on to NYC to get her MFA at the Pratt Institute.  Now she was a painter, barely making it, but she loved it.  Bryan and Emma hadn’t seen her since she left in 2004, right before they opened 479design.

“Do it,” Bryan encouraged.  He knew she was debating.

“Are you sure?”  Emma asked.  “I feel like every time I turn around I’m going somewhere and leaving you here to fend for yourself.”

“It’s not a problem,” he shrugged.  Bryan understood, and he knew that Fee would come up with something crazy for Emma that would take her mind off of and forget about Justin with.

“It could be fun,” Emma perked up.  She knew it would.

“Call her,” Bryan pointed to the phone that was at the edge of her desk.

Emma reached for the black phone and dialing ‘nine’ to get out she punched in Fee’s cell phone number.  Emma put it on speaker knowing that Bryan would want to get in on the conversation.

“Hello?”  They heard Fee’s voice over the line.

“Fee!” 

“Fefe!”

“Emmy! Bryan …” The first greeting was very cheerful while the latter was scolding.  “Beat him up for me Emma.”  Felicia grinned over the phone.

Emma laughed and Bryan scowled. 

“What do you think about having a visitor?”  Emma asked resting her arms on top of the desk.

“Really?  That would be sweet!” Fee sounded excited.  “When?”

“Soon, I guess.”  Emma shrugged, but she was excited too.  “Bryan’s trying to get rid of me.”  Fee laughed.

“Whatever,” Bryan scoffed and turned back to his computer screen.

“Well, yeah, just let me know … we’ll have some fun,” Fee said.  “It’s been for-ev-er.”

“Tell me about it,” Emma sighed.  “I’ll look for flights later and let you know.”

“Cooolll,” she drawled out.  “So how’s Mr. JT?”

“Ugh …” Emma groaned and dropped her head onto the desk.

“Uh-oh,” Felicia said when she heard that over the line.

“Justin cheated on Emma,” Bryan spoke up.

“What a jerk!”

“That’s what I said.”  Bryan reached over his desk and Emma’s to pat the top of her head.  She was still laying there with her head on her desk.

“Well …” Felicia started, “when you get out here we’ll bash boys and do some painting.”

Emma giggled as she picked her head up off of her desk.  Bryan was smirking.  They knew exactly what she was suggesting.  Whenever Fee broke up with someone when they were in college, she and Emma would make a big canvas, spend a week painting a portrait of the guy, and then “destroy” it with more paint in about five hours.

It was a creative way of venting and releasing the frustration.

“I’ll get started on it today,” she was itching at the bit to do just that.  To Fee, “angry” painting always turned out the best.

*  *  *

“Home sweet home,” Fee said as she opened the door to her loft.  The space was flooded with light and was completely open with 15-foot ceilings.

“Nice,” Emma grinned as the smell of paint drifted to her nose.  To the left there was the kitchen, and just off of that was the door to the bathroom and a bed stuffed into the corner.  There was also a couch, which was splattered with paint, in the middle of the room surrounded by Fee’s painting supplies and hundreds of stacked canvases.

“Isn’t it great?” Felicia sighed and looped her arm through Emma’s.  “I am so excited that you are here.”  The door closed loudly behind them.

“Definitely,” Emma said and dropped her bag on the floor.  She would get it later.

“So where is it?”  Emma asked.  Fee had talked the entire time they were in the cab from the airport about the portrait, which she worked on non-stop for the past couple of days and had completed, and Emma wanted to see it.

“It’s right here.”  She walked over to the couch and Emma followed, their arms still linked.  They turned to face the wall with the door they had just walked through, and there it was a 6’ by 8’ canvas painted with a very life-like Justin staring right back at them.

“You’ve gotten much better at portraits,” Emma smirked.  That hadn’t been Fee’s forte during school. 

“Thanks,” Fee rolled her eyes. 

Emma and Fee stood there, watching him watch them back.  Emma sighed loudly and plopped down onto the couch.

“How about, a drink?”  Fee asked looking at Emma and then walking over to the fridge.  She pulled out two bottles of beer and handed one to Emma when she sat on the couch next to her.

“Fee …” Emma looked at the beer bottle, pathetically.  She really was not a drinker.

“I know,” Fee said.  “Just to relax a little.  Okay?”  

Emma nodded and popped the top off.  She turned the metal cap in her fingers and brought the bottle up to her lips.  Justin was still watching her.

“I don’t think I can do this,” Emma stated after she had finished her drink.  They hadn’t said anything in 30 minutes.  They just sat and stared at the portrait Fee had painted.

“He’s just … he’s too beautiful.”  She wasn’t just talking about the portrait in front of them, leaning against the wall, waiting to be vented over.  “I want to forgive him.”  Emma pulled her eyes away from the ones in the painting and turned to look at Fee.

“Why?”

“Because … I have too,” Emma wiped at her eyes.  “Because I love him.”

“You did fall hard,” Felicia could see how much she did love him; does love him.  She reached over and grabbed a tissue out of the box that was sitting on the floor and handed it to Emma.

“I did.”  Emma wiped her eyes and blew her nose.

“You know, maybe it’s kind of what you needed.  ‘Cause you thought it was going kind of fast.  You guys have only seen each other, what four or five times?  And you’re already saying you love each other.”

“I guess,” she shrugged.  Emma’s eyes met Justin’s painted ones.  “He’s different though.”

“He kissed someone else.”  Fee reminded her.

“Ugh …” Emma slouched back into the couch and closed her eyes at the reminder.  She wanted to call Justin and let him know that she forgave him.  “I want to call him.”  It looked and sounded like she was asking for permission.

“I’m not gonna stop you, Em.”  Fee was watching her.  “I can tell that you’re miserable.”

“Thanks.”  Emma let out a little laugh.  She scooted off of the couch and walked over to her bag so she could dig her phone out.  Emma wasn’t sure what she would say to him if he picked up the phone.  She was pretty sure he would answer because he had called her at least once a day since she saw the video.

Her friend gave her a supportive smile as she sat back down on the couch.

Emma scrolled through the contact list until his name came up.  She stared and after a minute, finally hit “call”.

“Hey,” Justin’s voice sounded so hopeful over the phone.  She was finally gonna talk to him.

“Just listen, okay?”  Emma asked.  His silence meant that he was going to do just that, so she spoke.  “I forgive you.”

“You do?”  He sounded relieved.  “Does that mean …” Justin trailed off.

“No.  I just,” Emma rubbed one of her eyes with the palm of her free hand.  “I have to forgive you for myself.  But I still … I still want some time.”

“However long, I don’t care Em …” Justin sighed.

“We just … we need some space.  I think we both fell really fast, for not seeing each other all the time, and I just, I don’t want to be hurt again.”

“I promise.  I know how shitty it is, and I am so mad at myself for it.”  He continued, “I won’t even look at another woman if I can just be with you.”

Emma sighed at how pitiful he sounded.

“I won’t Emma … I won’t.”  Justin repeated when she didn’t comment.  He just wanted to hold her.

“I’m going to go,” Emma said.  She knew if she stayed on the line any longer she would give in and go to wherever he was.  They really did need time though.

“Oh-k,” he said sadly.  “I love you Emmy.”

“I know Justin.”  She ended the call.

“So …” Fee asked after a couple minutes of silence.

“He’s going to give me some time.”  Emma shrugged.  “He sounded really sad.”

“He should be.” She said.  They were quiet again.  Fee noticed Emma was staring at the painting again.  “Shall we?”  Fee nodded toward the painting and stood up.

“I don’t know …” Emma sighed.  She really wasn’t mad at him.  She was just hurt and wasn’t sure how that could be expressed in destroying the portrait.  It had been too long since she painted.

“Come on.”  Fee grabbed her hands and pulled her off the couch.  “At least it’s better than moping.” 

“All right.”  Emma kind of grinned.  She couldn’t believe she was about to trash the beautiful painting of the man she loved.

“Sweet!”  Fee walked over to a couple of cans of paint.  Emma moved to where she was and helped her get their supplies ready.

“Hold on a second!”  Emma said as Fee stood on a stool, holding a can of paint up at the top left corner of the canvas.  She was about to pour some of it out so it would run down that side of the canvas.  “Bryan wanted a ‘before’ and ‘after’ picture.”

“Okay,” Fee said.  She flipped the camera phone off while Emma took the picture.  “Tell Bryan that’s for the ‘Fefe’.”  

Emma laughed and tossed her phone back onto the couch.  She walked over to the canvas as Fee poured out about a quart of red paint and let it run down the canvas.  Emma caught the dripping paint with the six-inch brush in her hands and dragged it right across Justin’s forehead.

“Feel good?” Fee asked.  She knew how much of a stress reliever painting was for herself and for Emma.  Emma nodded as Fee leaned over so she could tilt the can over the center of the painting and let the paint roll down it there.

“It needs some black,” Emma said as she spread the paint across the canvas, slowly covering half of the portrait of Justin.

“Ooo … for sure,” Fee hopped down from stool and set the paint can that was in her hands down.   She grabbed the can opener and popped the top off of the black paint.  Fee picked up a brush and stood next to her. 

Emma rubbed the rest of the red paint that was on her brush on the drop cloth that was under their feet and dipped it into the black can.  She and Fee started to cover the bottom half of the canvas with the black paint and let it meld into the red. 

They always knew what the other one was going for when they painted.  Emma had missed this; painting and hanging out with her best girl friend.  It was very different from creating things with Bryan because they worked solely on the computer, and it was different from hanging out with her brother and Justin, and the other musicians she was almost always around.

They worked side by side, for a few hours, barely talking unless one of them had a suggestion.  And when they were done, they stepped back and looked at it.

Emma had almost forgotten that there had been a gorgeous portrait of Justin underneath the abstract black and red paint that now covered the canvas.  The top of the canvas had harsh, straight black lines running through the red paint in all directions, while the bottom had soft, curvilinear red lines swirling through the black paint, and in the middle these lines met, mixing and entwining with each other just as the red and black basecoats melded together.

Emma could see exactly how she was feeling in the painting that sat before them now.   She couldn’t tell you how or why the painting did express those feelings; it just did.

Even though she had already talked to him and forgiven him, Emma still kind of wanted to be mad at him, but she could not.  It was impossible. 

She knew that she could be with Justin and be happy.  She wanted him to know that she was serious though, and he couldn’t get away with what he had done, regardless of who he was.  It didn’t matter.  She would make him wait and think about it.  He would just have to.  And so would she.