That Night

The bathroom door slammed and he watched her push past him, grab something off the bed and then walk out, a blur of blonde hair and a frown.  The bedroom door slammed.

Then he heard in the distance the front door slam, and he jumped.

He knew it was his fault, but he didn’t know what else to do.  It was hard with both of them there.  It just was.  He didn’t expect anyone to understand it. He didn’t even understand it.

It started last night. That’s when the fighting began.  Before then he could make it up to her by kissing her on her neck or telling her he loved her, but last night they had all been drunk and someone had been talking about skinny dipping.  They were all out on the back porch, all stumbling and giggling, all of them, couples making out, Brandi and James in their own world, Trace and Nikki cracking each other up, Britney in his lap, sucking his neck.

And he couldn’t help but keep his eyes on Katie, just sitting there, a few feet away from everyone else, holding the beer bottle in her hand, him knowing how much she hated it and probably how it was warm now and how she would pour it out soon. He hated seeing her like that, looking at everyone, laughing, enjoying everyone’s company—but alone.

And so when they started talking about skinny dipping, he couldn’t help but think about her and think about her naked in that damned creek when he was such a fool and when she was sitting there on the back of the truck, so alone, so cold and wet.  He couldn’t stop thinking about how he had kissed her then.

She fucking kissed him back.

It was her damn fault.

And in that moment of them talking about it and him staring at her, he couldn’t help himself.

Trace said they should all do it in the ocean right then and Britney groaned and refused. "I'm not going in there."

"You sound like Kate..."  He winked at Katie.  She stared back at him, smiling and then laughing quietly. 

Trace chimed in with good memories and laughing about it, but Justin couldn’t stop staring at Katie, even though she was shying away from his look and blushing.

He didn’t even feel Britney get up, but when the screen door slammed and everyone looked, Justin knew he was in trouble.  He tried going after her, but she was already in bed, not willing to talk to him.  He laid beside her and just stared at the ceiling, forcing himself to think of how to make this right with her, and trying his best not to think about Katie’s breasts in the creek water or when she was in his bathtub last Thanksgiving at the lodge.

It was the next day.  Everyone else had gone out to some club that was supposed to be amazing.  Britney and Justin were fighting, they had been all day, so he told everyone else to go ahead.  He was determined to make it right with her.  He didn’t really get why she was upset, him and Katie weren’t really doing anything bad.  They were friends, very close friends.  It wasn’t like they were hooking up.

It was ok.

But Britney wouldn’t let it go, and soon he was sitting on the bed, listening to her rant and rave about every little thing he did to annoy her.  He couldn’t even say he was sorry before she was locked in the bathroom.  He didn’t try, he just sat there until she was finished yelling at him.  He sighed and finally got up and went to the door and said her name as softly and lovingly as he could.

“Britney…”

“Just admit to me that you fuck her!”

“Britney, I’m not fucking her.”

“But you have, haven’t you?”

He was silent for a moment and curled his fist against the door.  “No, I haven’t ever touched Katie in that way.  She’s like my sister, you should know that.”

He gulped, feeling sick. 

He felt horrible for lying.  And what made his stomach churn and his mind swim was that he felt bad about lying about Katie, not about lying to Britney.  And that wasn’t right.  Britney was his girl, she was his woman and he loved her.  He really did love her.

She was perfect for him and knew him better than anyone.  They had already been through so much and no one else, no one knew what it was like to be in the position he was in, touring and famous and all that bull shit.  But she did.

For some reason, though, he didn’t feel bad about lying to her, but he felt horrible about denying Katie.  And he felt sick.

It took her a minute, but finally she said softly through the bathroom door.  “She sure doesn’t act like your sister.”

“Don’t take this out on her.  She’s done nothing.”  It was then when she opened the bathroom door, slammed it and left him by himself in the bed room.

And now he was left in this bedroom alone.

Everyone else was gone out to the club, having a blast.

Everyone but Katie.

Katie said earlier that she was having stomach problems and decided to stay inside and rest, claiming it was the fish James had grilled the night before.  At first he assumed she was lying, and he pulled her aside and assured her she wouldn’t be the third wheel if she went out with them, afraid that that was why she declined.  But when she turned up her nose and said “no really, you don’t want me going out,” and then blushed and laughed and went to her bedroom, he figured she really must be sick.

And now they were alone.   The house they were staying in was one story, but long and huge, and he walked out of his own room, through the living room and past the kitchen to her small room tucked out of the way on the far end of the house.  He didn’t even think about getting in a car and following Britney to wherever they were going.  It was stupid for her to go out by herself anyway, and he didn’t care. 

He just didn’t care in that moment.

He stopped at the door to Katie’s room and knocked softly before cracking the door open.  He could hear the TV, the lights were off in the room and she was laying there in some shorts and an over sized t-shirt, completely plopped on the top of the comforter, propped up on tons of pillows.

"How we feeling?" he asked, opening the door a little bit.

"Tummy hurts still," she replied with a pout.

He stepped further in the room and said in a goofy voice, "have you been poopin'?"

She couldn’t help but laugh at him and took a pillow behind her and threw it at him, “Justin!"

He laughed with her and grabbed the pillow before saying, “You got room for me, poop master?" He didn’t wait for a response and fell down beside her, stuffing the pillow under his head.  He was laying flat on the bed, and she was sitting up a little, slouched against the pillows behind her back.

 "Whatcha watchin’?"  He asked, even though it was clear by what was on the small television screen.

"Mork and Mindy...." He looked up at her, and she was smiling at him, "I mean you and me."

 "How long is it going to take for you to realize I am not Mork?"  He laughed, remembering how his grandmother used to call them Mork and Mindy because they would watch that show often at her house.  They were almost 9 at that time and they would spend so many hot summer days at his grandmother’s house, sitting on her rough shag carpet rug watching hours and hours of old, cheesy 70s TV shows.  She’d give them milk to drink and make tomato sandwiches slathered with mayonnaise and covered in pepper.  Even though Katie hated them, she never let his grandmother know, just passed the sandwich on to Justin when she was gone.  He would eat anything back then.

 "Would you rather be Mindy?"  She said bringing him out of the memory.

He smiled and in perfect imitation said “nanu nanu” making Katie laugh softly.  Her hand was over her stomach and he really hoped she wasn’t too sick. 

It was quiet.  Despite the huge fight he had just had, he was content and immediately got lazy lying on the small space beside her.  It was warm in her room and her bed was comfortable.  He could smell her and her lotion, sweet and light.

She was tanned and looked good.  Real good.

 "Is Britney still getting ready?"

The contentment left him for a moment and he moved his gaze from her legs to her face.  Still, he laughed.  "No, she left.  You didn’t hear her slamming doors?"

 "I did, but...”  She shrugged at him sympathetically, “I wasn’t going to bring it up."

"She left, we kind of...”  He paused.  “No, we didn’t kind of—we just got in this huge fight."

 "About what?"

The way she asked it was so mindlessly, as if that was the question she was supposed to ask.  When he looked up at her she was not paying him any attention, just staring at the TV.

He bit his lip and kept staring at her, debating whether to really tell her.  He had to, he couldn’t lie to Katie. 

"You."

Katie’s eyes slowly turned to his and she just stared back at him, then shook her head, “Me?  What did I do?"

He could see it in her face that she thought she had said or done something to offend Britney.  That wasn’t it.  Katie and Britney weren’t close, but whenever they were around each other they didn’t hate each other, they laughed and would carry on a conversation.  They appeared to genuinely like each other’s company.  Britney never seemed to question why Katie was around.  She knew that Katie was a great friend to James and Justin and didn’t care about anything else.

Until now.

He didn’t know how to explain this to her—that maybe they were too close, maybe they did flirt too much.  But he couldn’t help himself.  Even in his nice jeans and stuffy tight shirt and dress shoes, dressed to go out, he couldn’t help but feel comfortable next to her.  She was lazy and looked soft and he wanted to be wrapped up in her.

It wasn’t…sexual, really.  It was comfort.  It wasn’t cheating on Britney because he wasn’t in love with Katie and he had never kissed her or fucked her while Britney and him were together.  They had seriously broken up last Thanksgiving.  Sure, it was only for two weeks, but they weren’t together.  It was free territory.

Still, he didn’t tell Britney about it. That would just be too much drama that he wasn’t ready to deal with.

He found himself staring at her legs again and this time he couldn’t stop.  They looked so tanned and smooth, and he couldn’t stop thinking about how she looked in her bikini on the beach, small and navy, with that damned print on it.  It was a simple bikini and he couldn’t stop thinking about it.  He wondered what else she would wear in the coming days on the beach…

…’cause her breasts looked amazing in her bikini top and her hips were curved but slender and… 

He forced himself to bite his tongue.  He couldn’t afford to think those things right then.  The other girls were attractive as well, but they all had their navels pierced and had on skimpy tops and manicured nails.  Katie looked natural, her hair perfect and brown, her body smooth and so soft, nothing extra, nothing over done.  He couldn’t help himself from staring at her at the beach.  It had been so long since he had seen her with almost nothing on.

There were no frills, no damned piercings or baby oil on her skin or leopard print like James’s girl—what was with James’s girl?  On the beach there was nothing extra to Katie.  It was just her. And he liked that.

Lying with her was so dangerous. He kept staring at her smooth legs, thinking about them hanging over him and brushing against him as they wrestled in the water earlier that day.  Their skin slid against each other in the water, and under the waves his fingers tempted to places they shouldn’t have, hands near her breasts, fingertips brushing her thighs.  But he knew this was a mistake.  He shouldn’t be thinking about her body.  He should be thinking about Britney and how to make her not mad at him.

But it was hard with Katie there all by herself, looking so good.  She was fit and curvy and her hair was longer now.  She just looked so damned good and she was laughing and telling so many funny stories all the damn time. She was his cute bubbly girl again, and they were close, best friends.  They talked on the phone at least once a week now.  It wasn’t awkward or weird like it was that first time.  That first time, it…well, it fucked with his mind.  It was too much and too intense and too soon, and he didn’t know what to do with it.  So he ran away from her, knowing he couldn’t get too attached, knowing eventually he’d break her heart.

Now it was different, they were on a level of understanding.  They didn’t talk about the ski trip, it was like an ice breaker, this thing that let them be reconnected and close again, like they were before all this bull shit started to happen, before he started running off and being in the group—before, when they were kids.

It worked.  He knew he’d never get to be with Katie like that again, and…and that was ok.

"Well,” he started and sighed.  “Maybe it’s more me.  I don’t know.”

He stared at the TV and heard her sigh, then laugh, “What are you talking about Justin?  You know I hate it when you get all cryptic on me.”

He turned to her and moved closer so that he was propping his head up on his hand, and laying on his side right beside her, eye level with her now.  "Ok, you know how we act, how close we are?”  He shrugged and stared right at her, “Well she sees that as, I guess, flirting." She was staring right back at him and he hated how big and brown her eyes were. "And maybe it is."

Suddenly Katie seemed to cower into herself and became very, very shy, "Well, I don’t see it as flirting.  It’s…it’s just us."

Justin nodded and stared down at her body, "Yeah..."

It was quiet, and after a few moments debating it in his head, he just went for it and decided to spit it out there because it was time they talked about it.   "But I think we're both trying to avoid the fact that we have had sex....”  He heard her suck in a breath and looked at her.  She stared back at him, nibbling on her lip.  “…and that does mean something."

She whispered quickly, "Does she know?"

It made him smile and reminded him of that first time, of so many times with her when they would be utterly alone and yet she would whisper, terrified of someone hearing her, of being too loud.  Katie, to begin with, was not a loud girl.  Sometimes her laughter got the best of her, but she didn’t have a loud speaking voice and often took a backseat to conversation, much more of a listener than a talker.  She was always such a great, intense and perfect listener.

Justin shook his head and wanted to touch her, even if it was just a touch of her arm, he wanted to.  But he didn’t, knowing that would be so, so dangerous. "No, but maybe we make it obvious without realizing it, and she’s starting to get suspicious."

“It was just twice."

He stopped looking down at her breasts that were slightly heaving under her tee shirt and stared at her right on.  He rolled his eyes and smirked at her, liking the way she was still biting her lip, looking at him with wide eyes and blushing…like that first time. "I'm assuming you’re lumping that whole ski weekend into one time..."  He kept staring at her and loved that she was starting to smile.   “Cause you kept wanting it and I wasn’t about to deny you.”

Her smile dropped though, and she turned up on her side, facing away from him.  His own smirk dropped and he touched her, tugging at her shoulder, trying to get her on her back so he could see her face and lean over her.   "Kate...”  She wouldn’t budge though.  “Why are you ashamed?"

“I'm not.  I just...”  She shrugged and said weakly, mumbling, “I didn’t think it'd be something we'd ever talk about."

He stopped, took his hand off her shoulder and turned to lie on his back, staring at the ceiling.  Thinking that now, maybe it was a mistake. Maybe she hadn’t known what she was doing.  Maybe she wished it never had happened.

"I hope you don’t regret it," he said softly.

She turned.  She was smiling a very small smile and relaxed beside him, curled up into herself but facing him.   "I don’t."

He smiled back at her and they ignored each other for a while, staring at the TV while the episode of “Mork and Mindy” went off and an episode of “The Cosby Show” came on.  He laid there and relaxed for a bit, feeling his eyes droop.  They had had a couple of exhausting days, drinking a lot, surfing a lot, out in the sun a lot.  In fact his shoulders had been a little burned their first day there and he smiled, remembering how it was Katie who let him borrow some of her aloe lotion to put on his shoulders that evening.  It was Britney who had rubbed it in for him, but Katie…it was Katie who had taken care of him and suggested it.

He smiled when suddenly he felt her fingers in his hair, twirling and twirling one of his curls.  He could tell she was doing it absentmindedly and he loved it.  She’d let her finger curl and then it would stop and she would take another curl and do the same thing, tugging just slightly.  He was starting to get tired of his hair being as long as it was, but he was on vacation and didn’t care.  But if it let Katie sit here and play with it, then he would keep it. 

During the first commercial break she said. “Well…”  He turned to look up at her when she didn’t finish what she was saying.  She took her hand off his head and laid it on her stomach.  “You think we should try to stop?”

He knew she was talking about flirting with him so much and he shrugged and said, "I guess I didn’t realize I've been doing it."  He was lying.

“Me neither.”  And in her voice he could tell she was, too.

And since flirting was as easy and care free to them as breathing, even though they realized they were flirting, now, in retrospective, during the moment it was a subconscious thing.  How were they to prevent it?  “So are we not supposed to talk to each other?"

Katie didn’t answer and he cringed thinking maybe she agreed with his statement.  But then after a moment she said slowly, "I guess, maybe I do hog you a little and I shouldn’t ‘cause she's the woman you’re in love with."

"But you are one of my best friends and I know that you and I talk still, but it’s different than ya know…really talking.  I know we aren't as close as you and James, but you are still my friend."

He was hoping she would deny him and that part of her would say that that she wasn’t that close to James, that they were closer.  But he knew that wouldn’t happen.  While he had been gone the past few years, James had been there for her, especially her senior year.  And even though James had been on the road with him the past few months, Justin’s once a week call to Katie was a lot different from the two of them, who would call each other once a day.  James would sometimes laugh or say something stupid that Justin wouldn’t understand and then hang up.  Sometimes it would just be “how’d your test go, good…ok see ya, bye.”  And even those small things, Justin was jealous of.

He didn’t really know why.  It made no sense to him.  Justin and her were closer when they were kids. And Justin, now, he had all these other friends and a girlfriend.  Katie was just Katie.  It didn’t matter.

But it did.

He didn’t realize that while James called her everyday, it was always just short check ups.  Justin’s phone call once a week to Katie sometimes lasted for hours.

"You shouldn’t feel that way.  Sometimes I feel closer to you." He blinked and then looked at her, really looked at her.  She wasn’t just saying it to placate him.  She really meant it, blindly staring at the TV, saying it as a fact, not as something to make him feel better. 

And he understood why she said that.  James and her had never experienced what they had.  James had not seen her in those intimate wild ways of hers.  James didn’t know what they shared.

"Cause we had sex."

 "No.”  He blinked and stared at her and she shrugged and looked right at him, “Because you let me make mistakes. You're not always hovering over me, making sure I don’t do something wrong."

 "What do you mean by that?”  He said defensively.  “James lets you make mistakes, and…and I’m not always making you fuck up."

"He's very protective of me, Justin."

"Well, I am, too!" he said, burrowing his eyebrows. 

Katie giggled at him a little and somehow seemed closer, scooting nearer.

 "I love your brother to death, but he's always telling me not to do this or to be careful of this or that, and it’s just like—I’m aware of these things, but it’s my life."  She paused.  “And lately he’s been different, closed off.  I mean he’s never been an open book, but lately…it’s just…different.”

Justin relaxed and said, "Maybe you should talk to him about that.  Although, knowing James, that's not gonna stop him from being all protective.  And I know what you mean about him being different.  I’m happy he went on tour with us, but he’s changed a little bit, or least tried to change.  He tries to act like nothing matters or bothers him, but that’s so not him ya know?" He smiled at her and she nodded in response.  He was glad that the conversation was now about his brother and off of him and all the negative fucked up things had done to Katie. 

It wasn’t bad though, right?  She liked getting in a little trouble with him.  It was fun.

It was never anything bad.  Was sleeping with him bad?  Yes, it wasn’t something he was supposed to do with Katie or even should have done, but it happened and it was fucking….indescribable.

And he wasn’t going to regret it or take that back or deny it.

 "I don’t mind it.” She smiled, rolled her eyes and pushed at his chest a little bit, “I'm just glad that when I'm with you you’re not always acting like my dad or something."  He grabbed at her hands, unable to stop himself in that one moment.  She smiled at him, pushing at his hands. “That’s the thing between us—James really does act like my brother.  You don’t."

He held her hands gently and looked down at them before looking up at her with a very, very lustful look.  He knew she noticed it and he knew she liked it by the look she was returning him. "I like knowing that you feel you can have fun with me and that I don’t treat you that way.  But is it wrong for me to say that I like knowing you are safe when I’m not around, that James is there and I know he won't let anything happen to you?"

She nodded and he realized that they were sharing a pillow, only a few inches from each other’s faces.  It was close, dangerously close.  He felt her hand again, playing with his hair.   "I just wish I had a twin that could be on the road with you, protecting you..."

He didn’t know what to say to that.  Honestly, he didn’t think Katie thought that much about him while he was gone.  They were friends, sure, and they had shared something incredible.  But whenever he started thinking of her late at night, or after she had called him, he would think about how much fun she was having, and how he wasn’t apart of her mind all the time.  She had school.  She had friends.  To her, he was just Justin.  He could back off of her, save his own sanity, not hurt her in the process and therefore wouldn’t worry about it so much.

But maybe he was wrong.

Suddenly, she said, "Maybe you should take her out tomorrow."

"Just her and I?"  He looked up at her

She pulled her arms into her chest and crossed them, making a point not to look at him, breaking their physical and visual contact.  She stared blankly at the TV.  "Yeah, there's some great like hiking stuff around here, I think. Ya know, waterfalls and volcanoes, tropical stuff, all romantic."

"You think she will like that?"

"I don’t know.”  She smiled slightly and shrugged and looked right at him, “I know that I would if I was dating someone.  I think right now she probably just wants to be alone with you, be reassured that you’re still, I don’t know, in love or whatever."

"I do love her,” he said, looking away from Katie.  “And I think that is why I am so mad right now.  She should know that she is the one I love.  That no one else is even in the picture." 

He needed in that moment to reassure himself that he was with Britney and did love her.  Of course he did.  They had shared a lot together and she knew things about him no one else did, and probably never would.  They were much more intimate now.  She had let him have sex with her.  It was intense.

It was what he thought being in love should be, and she fit him and fit him well.

"Maybe I should back off then," Katie said softly.

But that was the problem.  He wanted Katie, too.  Maybe not to be in love with her or to date her; that would hurt her too much, and it would hurt him as well, the distance, the lifestyle.  She was his Katie, his friend, it would be too much.  But he couldn’t just walk around and act like she was is sister.  He just couldn’t deny the fact that they had had sex, they had fucked, and they had done it hard and passionately, something he didn’t really know sex could be like, until her.  Until her it was just to get off, it felt incredible but with her it was this almost a spiritual feeling that he couldn’t even explain or describe.

"But I don't want that either, Kate.  I love you in my life and I don't know what I would do if I didn't know you were there for me to talk to."

"Maybe we should just try to stop the flirting or whatever."  She smiled briefly and then it fell and the more he looked at her the more he realized that somewhere in her she had doubts and maybe regrets.  She looked sullen in that moment, staring down at her stomach, tugging on the bottom of her shirt with her fingers, the shirt almost covering all of her shorts.  She kept glancing up at the TV, purposefully ignoring him.

He couldn’t help himself.  He pushed himself right up beside her, flush against her and whispered close to her face, "You’re not a back up for me.  I’ve never considered you that."

He watched as Katie not only brushed it all off, but ignored the fact they were physically so close.   He couldn’t really blame her.  It was dangerous.  She giggled and looked at him briefly, "If I feel the need to flirt I'll just do it with James ‘cause it'll freak him out and maybe scare off that tramp he's dating."

He allowed for the change in subject and laughed, "Yeah, what's with that girl?”  He shook his head.  He had hung out with her a few times over the past couple weeks and asked James what her deal was.  James would always just smile arrogantly and say, “She’s hot.”  Justin thought differently.

“She's sketchy. Where did he find that one? And why the hell is he always going for girls like that?  Like ever since he’s come on tour with me he’s hooking up with these girls that are just, well, nothing but boobs.”

Katie giggled, but Justin felt serious for some reason, “Seriously Katie, like I’ve known Brandi for a couple weeks now and I don’t get it.  She’s totally not the type I thought James would be with.  None of the girls he’s dated for the past few months have been his type.  It’s weird.”

Katie’s voice dropped and she turned and stared right at him, eyes sparkling with secrets.  "She got drunk one night and her and James called me up.  James just rambled and got all serious like he does, but she asked me if I wanted to do a three way with her and James.  I hadn’t met her at the time!"

 "What!"  Justin couldn’t stop himself.  That was a bold thing, a bold thing for Brandi to ask, and even a bolder thing for Katie to repeat.

It was a fantasy, of course.  Something he was unsure would ever happen to him and he was unsure if he ever wanted it to happen, but thinking about Katie’s soft skin against another girl’s soft skin…

He shifted and bit his lip looking at her. 

Thinking, now, about her soft skin against his body, no one else’s.  No fucking other person male or female.  Just them.

"Mmhmm,” She purred and curled up into him, flirting.  “It was so hot, too when we did it."

He laughed, controlling himself and her joking before she took it too far.  "I didn't know you went that way."

"I like skanks," she said and smiled at him.  "They’re up for anything."

“Well...”  He couldn’t help himself and brought it up again.  “If I remember correctly, you always seemed up for anything...”  He looked down at her as she was almost lying underneath where he was propped up.  He took his hand and touched the nape of her neck with his finger.  “But you’re not a skank."

"Justin," she whispered his name and it sounded like when he slept with her that first time, and it sounded like her voice those mornings in Colorado, when they’d wake up tired, sore, and happy. 

He smoothed his hand over her neck and around it and dipped down a little, relaxing on his shoulder, inches from her face, holding her neck so she couldn’t turn away.  "Well you aren’t a skank." He couldn’t stop.  His fingers moved up to her cheek and even though he knew she was trying to stop it, she molded her face into his palm.

"There’s a fine line between sexy and skanky,” he said, now rubbing his thumb over her bottom lip.  She just stared at him.  “And you balance it perfectly."

She gulped but didn’t push him away.  "You should stop."

"Why?”  There was no way he could stop now and no reason for it.  There was no reason for him to stop, in his mind, in the entire world.  He smiled at her.  She made him happy.  God, she made him happy. He moved his hand down, down to her shoulder and smoothed down under her arm and through her side and waist, gripping her there in the dip of her figure.  “I am just telling you what I see."

Her eyes blinked and she narrowed them a little.  "Don’t you think it’s bad to call me sexy when you have a girlfriend?"

"No.”  He pulled back a little, feeling deflated.  “I can appreciate a sexy woman and still be faithful to her." 

"So look but not touch, huh?"  She pulled away and exhaled heavily, resting on her back and not her side, staring at the ceiling.

It had gotten heavy.  He could feel himself half hard and he tried not to notice that her nipples were hard underneath her shirt.  It wasn’t cold.  God, if anything it was too hot.

He smirked at her, looking over her body and really appreciating how good she looked, how fine she had turned out, how much the cute little dimpled girl with brown curls and freckles had turned into a sexy young woman, small, but with long and lean legs, and a soft body.  And a smile, a fucking smile that took his breath away.

"Yeah,” he swallowed.  “I can window shop.

She rolled her eyes and her arms were back crossed over her chest.  "Didn’t know I was merchandize."

"Girl, you know you are sexy.  I am not the only one who looks at you.  You know that.”

She bit her lip and her arms loosened their tight hold on her chest.  She glanced at him.   "I did notice you staring at me at the beach yesterday.  I thought my bathing suit was just ugly or something."

"That bathing suit was far from ugly,”  He shook his head and got closer still.  “But I wasn't really looking at that."

She was staring at him now.  She bit her lip and as he looked at her he could tell she was debating, battling herself in her mind about what to do and say. Finally, her voice was small when she asked, "What were you looking at?"

Her body pressed deep into the mattress below her. 

He leaned in and smoothed his hand over her stomach, saying without a smile or smirk, just staring at her.  "I was remembering what was under that suit."

She gasped, whispered and barely said his name as her eyes fluttered lower.

"Kate...." He copied her tone and leaned in, closing his eyes and gulping at the thought of doing this with her, of kissing her again, of taking it further again.  Or maybe he’d just be content with laying here and kissing, tasting her over and over until they fell asleep.  Or maybe with his hands on her skin, just smoothing over it softly.  Or maybe, just maybe he could plunge deep inside of her and just lay there, lay there and feel himself inside of her body, her inside his mind, eating it up entirely.

He couldn’t stop himself and leaned in completely.

She turned her head.  His nose bumped into her cheek.  His lips brushed air.

"Don’t Justin."

He pulled back from her, putting a foot of space between them.  He stared at her, confused and in shock.

"Don’t start,” she said not looking at him.  “Cause you know we won’t be able to stop.”  Her voice faltered and she stuttered, her hands picking at her shirt, her pushing herself up on the pillows, sitting up, away from him.  “When, when you guys were taking a break it was one thing, but this is different, much different."

He lay on his back and covered his face with his hands and sighed deeply.  This was unfair, completely unfair, and it was his fault. 

He moaned out a little and couldn’t control himself or hold his tongue in check when he admitted to her, “God you just, you don’t understand Katie.  Sometimes I’m fine when I see you.  But then, sometimes I just can’t help myself.  It’s like if I don’t have—“ He stopped mid sentence.  “I don’t know, it’s just like a drug or something."

It was quiet for a moment before she whispered, “I'm sorry."

He moved his hands from his face and plopped them down by his sides.   "Don’t.  Don’t ever be sorry for what we've done together.  Don’t.  Please."

She nodded and then said, "I'm kind of tired."

"Me too." 

It was over. 

They both didn’t want to deal with it anymore.  It was too much, and he just hoped he hadn’t ruined the close friendship they had grown to cherish over the past few months in the past few minutes. Yes, it was hard to be the way he wanted to with Katie when he was in love with someone else, but it wasn’t like he could date Katie.  It wasn’t the same.  Katie didn’t understand his world like Britney did.  Katie wouldn’t be able to handle it.

At least, that’s what he kept trying to tell himself: it wouldn’t work.  But really, he just knew somehow he’d hurt her and hurting Katie wasn’t an option.  He hated to think that maybe his career and lifestyle was just an excuse for him not to get in over his head.  Katie was dangerous.  Katie could warp his mind and heart and soul and leave him weak and stranded.  What if she found someone better?

He had a feeling even if he was a nobody from Tennessee and worked at a grocery store or if he was just a janitor or something, he’d still make an excuse for her.  She was too much.  She was too dangerous.

He couldn’t handle her.

And it was dangerous to keep talking about them together, naked and fucking.  It was too much to discuss their feelings and what they did together.  It brought up emotions and memories that neither of them could deal with.  Friendship and ten months since they had last slept together had done nothing to make them forget or make them get over the fact that they had spent that weekend in Colorado in each others arms, panting and groaning and getting each other off. 

And nothing could change the fact that he had taken her virginity or that she had stolen his sanity.

He remained quiet and finally closed his eyes and turned on his side, flopping into the pillow and breathing heavily.  He focused on sleep and dozed for a moment, in and out of reality, in and out of her, thinking about everything and nothing all at once.

Reality smacked back into him several minutes later.  It could have been an hour even, he didn’t know.  He felt the bed move and he felt a presence close to his back, curled up to every inch of him, but not touching him.

And then he felt it more than he heard it, whispered right on the back of his bare neck, "You’re sexy, too.”

He didn’t move.  He didn’t change his breathing.  He couldn’t do anything or he’d get them in trouble.

He just laid there.

And he smiled.