Katie didn’t expect to wake up with Justin the next morning.  She knew he probably left soon after she dozed off behind him, or either got up that morning.  He was a light sleeper, while she slept heavy.  She was cold when she woke up in her room, the TV was off, the lights, too, and she was lying on top of her bed covers in her shorts and shirt from the night before.  Her legs were covered in chill bumps and she immediately pulled herself under the comforter and sheets and prayed for more sleep, sleep that never came.

Minutes later, with a sigh and a slouch, she rolled out of bed and shuffled out towards the kitchen.

She wasn’t sure what happened the night before.  Part of her was angry with herself for not letting him closer, the other part of her was triumphant.  It was dangerous, it wasn’t right, especially with Britney there.  It was so wrong, so very wrong.  They weren’t together; she accepted that.  She was ok with being just his friend.

She knew she couldn’t have more.  She didn’t want more.  At least, she didn’t think she did.

When she shuffled into the kitchen, Trace was sitting at the table slurping on a bowl of cereal.  He lifted his hand to smack hers and after she did he said, “James and Brandi and Nikki are down at the beach.  I was hung over so I figured I’d wait for you.”

“What time is it?”

“Almost 11.”

“Really?” She glanced around for a clock, finding truth in his statement blinking on the microwave. 

“Yeah.”  He yawned and dropped his spoon into his empty bowl.  “Justin and Britney already left.”

“Left?”

“Yeah, they went hiking.  I think they got in a fight last night.”  He pulled the bowl up to his lips and sucked down the rest of the sugar infused milk.

“Oh.”  She just shook her head and walked over to the fridge to pull out something to drink.  She was confused.  She thought they were fighting, but apparently they weren’t anymore.  It shouldn’t have mattered anyway, and she tricked herself into believing that it didn’t for the rest of the day.   

She had found out later, pretty much by silently listening to the others’ conversations that last night, when they got back from the club, Britney and Justin were outside on the porch talking.  He must have gotten up soon after she had fallen asleep. Britney never made it to the club with everyone, and apparently she had come back to the house, talked to him, and they had made up enough for Justin to convince her to go on that romantic hike.

She almost cursed herself for telling him to do that.  But they were friends; jealousy wasn’t an option.  She was happy if they were happy.

And they were happy.

They were fucking blissful.

They came back late from their hike, barely saying a “hey, oh my god, its so cool up there” before giggling into the shower.  An hour later they were out, saying goodbye to everyone, dressed up for a nice date while everyone else ate pizza. 

Third wheel she was that night.  Brandi and James were making out while they watched a movie and Nikki fell asleep with her head in Trace’s lap.  After a while, Katie just stood up and walked outside in the dark and padded straight over to the beach and sat there staring out at the ocean, wondering why all of a sudden she wasn’t having fun with her friends any more.

She felt weird and stupid and wondered why she had even agreed to come out here in the first place.  This was a couples’ thing, this was for all of them to hook up and drink and have fun with their significant other.  She really didn’t know why the hell she was there.

She slept uneasily that night, and when she woke up that morning and shuffled into the kitchen, just like the morning before, she was unprepared for what awaited her.

It had been fine when they were gone.  When they were gone being romantic together that was one thing.  It was another thing when it was smack dab in front of her.

Instead of Trace sitting at the table slurping cereal, they were there: his arms around her, kissing her neck gently, his front to her back.  His eyes were closed as if he was so content with being with her and only her.  No one else was on his mind. Britney was smiling and laughing softly as he whispered something in her ear.  Katie was frozen.

They started kissing, he moaned against her mouth and Katie gulped, remembering that sound. She could see how deep they were kissing, how smooth, how it fit for them.

They didn’t see her.

They didn’t even notice her.

Katie had to get out of there.  She quietly tried to walk past them without noticing but before she could take a step she was re-frozen, still staring, and unable to breathe or move. 

Britney spoke.

“Stop...”

But it wasn’t directed towards Katie. 

Justin was flirting back with her, “You like it…”

Britney turned her head away and opened her eyes.  Now, Katie was caught, staring right back at them.

She forced a tight, “Morning.”

“Morning.”  Britney smiled at her easily, happily.  She seemed to have no idea that anything had gone on between Katie and Justin.  Katie crumbled in Britney’s smile, even though it was not triumphant or mean to any extent.  Britney had no clue about her and Justin.

Her and Justin?  There was no her and Justin.

And Justin didn’t look at Katie, he didn’t move, he just continued to kiss Britney’s neck.

“Ok, you two are freaks.”  Katie jumped at the sound behind her and breathed out slowly when she realized it was only her cousin walking into the kitchen.  He gave them a weird glance as he brushed past them to get to the fridge.

“What?”  Justin raised his eyes.  In that moment Katie darted hers away because Justin was no longer paying attention to Britney. And neither was he looking at Trace.

“We heard you guys all fucking night…”  Trace exclaimed, grabbing a cup from the cabinet to pour himself some juice. “…fucking.”

“Trace, shut up,” Justin said in a stern voice.

“He’s just jealous.” This time fright didn’t enter her when someone spoke behind her.  Instead, Katie sighed when she heard James’ deep, barely awake voice.  He as well walked into the kitchen.  Katie was standing there on the corner of it, away from everyone else, frozen on the outskirts of their little bubble, unable to do anything.

Trace ignored James and rolled his eyes.  “Katie’s just lucky her room is on the other side of the house.  James,” he said, hitting James’ shoulder lightly with the back of his hand.  “Did you hear them?”

Katie just watched as color flooded Britney’s face and she tucked into Justin who was now staring at the ceiling and biting his bottom lip.

“You spend too much time worrying about other people’s sex lives,” James said, and Katie almost laughed at how mature James was trying to sound.  But she couldn’t concentrate on that.  She was moving her eyes from Justin’s frustrated face down and down, now staring at Justin’s thumb moving slowly over the bare part of Britney’s hip that was showing above her rolled down boxers.

His thumb had done the same to her before.

She shook her head.  It didn’t matter.  It shouldn’t matter.

“Maybe it’s because he doesn’t know how to fuck his woman right!  Sucks for Nikki,” Justin’s tone was bitter.

Now it was Trace’s turn to be defensive, “Oh shut up.”

And she couldn’t take it anymore.  To go outside, to get to the sliding door that led to the back porch, she would have to pass them all, but closest to the door were Justin and Britney.  There was no escape, she had to go past them.

She made her move and padded silently forward, not looking at anything but the floor below her.  “Excuse me,” she whispered to no one in particular.

She could hear the silence around her and hoped no one was staring at her.  She struggled to get the door open.  It was locked and when she got it unlocked and opened, the screen door was there, and it too wouldn’t budge.  She felt like a fool as she pushed at the door and nothing happened.  Finally she realized the tiny notch lock on that door was clicked over and she burst through the door and let it snap shut behind her, saying a silent prayer.  She blinked so the tears wouldn’t prick her eyelids.  She wouldn’t be that ridiculous.  The ocean breeze felt good against her face, smacked reality and life back in her, but still, it made her eyes water.

It was just the salt, she thought.  Just…just the salt air. 

The waves crashing were just enough to drown out any other noise, but not enough to drown out her own thoughts.  She didn’t want anyone looking through the glass at her, so she stepped down the porch steps and sat on the last rung, dipping her bare feet into the soft, cool sand at the bottom.  Maybe if everyone else went to the beach that day, she would hang out at the house.  There was a pool on the other side of the porch.  Or maybe she’d take the rental car and go into town and find a bookstore and buy more books.

She had finished her last one the day before.  A murder mystery, that’s what she needed, not a sappy romance novel like she had been reading.

She wouldn’t be the third wheel any longer.  She would simply be on her own, merely sharing a house with them all.  She could handle it.  She was strong.

“Katie?”

She literally jumped and turned when she heard the soft, small voice, and she shielded her eyes to see the blonde girl at the top of the porch steps, staring down at her.  The comfort she had once felt in being alone, the relaxation the cool sand and breeze afforded her now picked at her skin and she felt tingly and jittery all over, out of control and panicky.

“Oh hey…”

“You alright?”

The sun behind Britney made her look like only a darkened, shadowy mass, like some demonic force as from a painting, coming to judge Katie.  She knew it.  Justin and her had talked.  It was likely, with as close as they seemed now, that Justin had told her all about them.  He had told her they had slept together.  Then he had told her it would never happen again because he didn’t love Katie, because he loved her.

Katie knew it.

Britney smiled and sat down on the step behind her. 

Katie struggled to find her voice.  Britney had asked her a question. Katie had to answer it.  She had to pretend to be normal. “Just tired, I’m going to go on a walk I think in a bit and clear my head and try to wake up.”

“We should hang out today.” 

Katie almost said, “what?” but didn’t.  Britney was still smiling.  It was weird.  It was genuine!  It wasn’t said in any sort of “suck it, bitch” way, or any type of conniving, secretive way.  Britney seemed to mean what she said with no other motive. 

She shrugged and reached down to hug her knees a little bit.  “I kind of want to go shopping and I know Justin just wants play in the ocean,” she laughed and rolled her eyes.  “And I’m kind of getting tired of laying out every day.”

“Oh, well…” Katie eyed her.  “Maybe.”

“I just,” Britney sighed.  “I guess I wanted to say thanks.”

“For what?” Katie replied, thinking to herself, ‘For fucking your boyfriend when you guys took a break?  For almost making out with him the other night?  For wanting him so bad it hurts?  For pretty much hating you for existing?  For pretty much hating myself for being so ridiculous?’

“Come on girl,” Britney nudged Katie’s shoulder with her elbow.  “I know you suggested him those trails yesterday.  I really liked it.  It was so fucking romantic and stuff.  You should be a travel agent!”

“Ha, yeah maybe.”  This was getting awkward, but as awkward as it was for Katie, she could tell there was no awkwardness in Britney’s eyes.

She really had no idea.

It was clear now.  Katie had been wrong, Britney was in the dark.

Justin had kept them a pretty little secret tied tight behind his teeth.

A dark urge to spit it all right in front of her face erupted inside of her, but she held it down tight.  It wasn’t her place and it wasn’t something Katie could do.  Keeping secrets was one of her better traits, but it was to a point where she sacrificed herself to keep these secrets, no matter how much they hurt.

She couldn’t just sit there and tell Britney that her and Justin had once been as intimate as two people could.  She couldn’t sit there and tell Britney that she probably knew more about him than his own girlfriend did.  She couldn’t do it and she couldn’t hurt someone else, no matter how badly she felt pain inside of her.

Why did it hurt?  It wasn’t supposed to hurt.

But it also wasn’t supposed to happen.

“Like, sorry to gush,” Katie sighed, bracing herself for it.  “But there were all these waterfalls and we could swim in them and no one else was around. It was so freakin’ awesome!”

Yes, Britney didn’t know.

“That sounds great.” 

But she was digging a dagger deeper and deeper into Katie’s chest, whether she knew it or not.

“I just, I feel bad I guess.”

“Why?” Katie asked weakly, silently praying Britney would leave her alone.

“I don’t know.  I mean, I know you’re really good friends with all the guys, but I know it must suck being the only girl here that’s single, especially when there aren’t any single guys here either!  I mean, hell if I had known I would have gotten one of my dancers to come with us so you could have a buddy.”

It was sweet, but Katie sunk down into herself, feeling lower and more pathetic with every syllable Britney spoke. 

“Thanks.”

“I got some hot ones!”  Her gesture was heart felt but it was the worst thing she had ever said to Katie.  Tears had to be silently eradicated against her forearm as she pretended to wipe her hair out of her eyes.  She felt miserable, alone, and worthless. 

It wasn’t supposed to be this way.  It never was.  It was a mistake, but he was her best friend and she couldn’t help herself.

It was just supposed to be one time, and then it was more.  It wasn’t supposed to hurt.

And it was not supposed to feel that good…

…that—that right.

“Straight ones, too.”  Britney giggled.

It wasn’t just the fact that his girlfriend was sitting here talking to her, but that she was pitying her, that she was stuck here, that she really was alone and that other people noticed it now.  It was wrong, but it had been fine when Justin was hanging out with her on the beach, when they were goofing off and maybe even flirting.  It was wrong, because Britney was being ignored and she had all the attention.

The roles had changed now; they were in their proper place.  And whereas Britney was sitting here pitying and trying to be a friend to the lonely girl on the porch steps, Katie had done no such thing several days before when Britney had been the one alone.

It was all just getting worse.

But she had to suck it up.  She was strong and she wasn’t going to just sit here and mope like some pathetic little girl begging for the attention of some boy.

The dagger Britney had force into her had to be dealt with.  Katie had to take that dagger, grasp the handle tight and slide it out of her chest.  She had to hand it back to Britney and hold her hand close to her heart, pushing back the blood and the gore, forcing her heart to continue beating.  She had to act like it was a mere scratch.  She had to smile.  She had to fake it.  She had to pretend that the world was fine. 

She was fine.  It was just sex.  It was nothing.  They weren’t even in love or anything…

It was just sex…

That was all it ever could be.

She was a grown woman.  She shouldn’t be pining away for him like he was her super star.  He was just her Justin, she wasn’t a fan and she didn’t have a crush.  She was just confused and lonely.  A lot of girls her age were.  She would be fine.

In two weeks she’d be back on campus, there would be hot guys in her classes.  She was attractive, she knew this.  She was a good girl, funny at times. She would have dates.  She would have a boyfriend.

It would be fine. 

Her arm, though, was getting tired and she felt weak and dizzy from pressing her hand to her wound.

“Yeah, it’s cool,” she lied.  “I don’t mind being the inevitable third wheel.  I deal with it if it means I get to spend time with Justin…” She paused and remember to add, “And Trace too, ya know?  With them living in Orlando now, I don’t see them much.  And James, well, he’s in this party mode and always with his brother, so I guess its good to see him, too.”

“He’s sweet.  I think you should get rid of that girl he’s dating now and date him.  Y’all’d be sweet together.”

Katie really did laugh at this.  “James and I are too much alike.”

“And therefore you’d be perfect.”  Britney smiled and Katie turned to actually face Britney and say to her face how much she loved James but how it would never, ever work out.  She didn’t want Britney to sit there and be another person that was all gung ho about her and James getting married and having babies.

She was starting to hear it more from people in town, even her own mother had mentioned it.  ‘Well why don’t you date James?’ she had said one night when Katie was visiting and complaining about the guys at her school.

It wasn’t going to happen.  It never could happen and she needed Britney to know that.  She needed someone to know that.

But when she turned, Justin was standing at the top of the steps, looking down at them. He blocked the sun as well, but this time the figure with curly hair and long limbs reminded her of one of those angelic paintings not of a demon. 

And she couldn’t stop gazing up at him.

“What are you guys talking about?”  He was staring right back at her and his look was that of apology and fear.

“Girl stuff,” Britney giggled.

“Should I leave?”  Katie half smiled at him, she could tell he wanted to leave.

But part of him wanted to stay, she could sense it.  He wanted to regulate the conversation.

“No you can sit here,” Britney said, patting the step beside her.  He didn’t sit there; he sat at the top of the porch.   “I’m trying to convince Katie to go shopping with me today.”

“Really?”  Justin asked with a heavy exhale.  It came out more shocked than he intended, and he glanced at Katie and then at Britney.

“Yeah, maybe I’ll get you a present.”  Britney leaned in and her hand touched his bare knee and rubbed him there.  Katie watched as her hand went slightly higher, teasing him.

“What will you get me?” And she witnessed as Justin couldn’t resist flirting back.

“I don’t know….”

She couldn’t take it.  She stood up and said quickly, “I’m going to go on my walk.”

“Do you want company?”  Britney asked.

“No,” she said forcefully. Katie turned and Justin’s hand was rubbing on Britney’s neck.  But his eyes were on her: they went from confusion to fear to worry in a matter of seconds, and she just forced a smile and shrugged, saying much calmer, “no, no thanks.”

She started walking, forgetting her sunglasses, forgetting a hair tie.  It didn’t matter, the sun was blinding and she liked it, her hair whipped her face and she relished in it.  Torture, physical pain, she needed it to take her mind off the two of them flirting right beside her.

She needed to take her mind off of him.  She’d do it.  It would work.

She’d make it work.  She’d find someone or something to take her mind off of him. 

She’d do it.  And she’d like it.  She had to. 

There was no other choice.  The fantasy of her and him possibly being perfect for each other, was over.  He had Britney, they were in love, they probably always would be. 

She’d probably be a fucking bridesmaid by next year.

And she wouldn’t complain.  She’d hold her bouquet tightly, hoping there were roses, hoping the roses had thorns, hoping to pierce her own skin, to keep her mouth shut, to concentrate on something else. 

There were roses and there were thorns for a long, long time.  And they helped her keep her mind occupied with other men and other things.   And they kept her mouth shut.

Soon she forgot how to open it, she forgot how to speak and they became no longer possible lovers, or even past lovers.  They were a fleeting memory and friendship, pure, mild friendship washed over them for two lonely years.

Her wounds scabbed over, she healed, but one little thorn imbedded itself into her palm and no matter how much she tried, it would not wedge itself out.  And once, every now and then, he’d call, or she’d see him and that pain, throbbing from the center of her hand would rush back.

It always came back.