December 2001

Charlie had two more hours until he would be off.  He had been invited, but knew getting off work late and then driving outside of Memphis would put him in a piss poor mood.  It was a long shift that day.  Damn the holidays, damn couples wanting a romantic date out, damn waiting tables.

But she was patient with him and didn’t mind, though she wished he were there to hang out.  She wanted them to meet him.  Her cousin, being off with Justin, had yet to meet him and she knew Justin would like him.  And she knew Britney would gush to her how cute he was.  James and Charlie were already pretty well acquainted now that James came back from Florida for longer periods of time.  They seemed to get along just fine.

He was cute; he was very, very cute. He was tall, but not too tall and he had dark hair and dark eyes and a smile and laugh and dimples that could make the grumpiest old lady giggle like a little girl.  He was charming, he was fit, he was sweet, he was funny, and he was sexy as hell.

She tried not to think about him too much.  She knew it would make her giggle.  She concentrated on making fun of James and Trace who were battling over the stupid TV like loser nerds.  But she couldn’t help it, he was her man, he was her boyfriend.

And he had told her how much he loved her. 

It took them a while, almost sixth months to get to that point.  They both had issues, they both had unresolved feelings for other people, they both had broken hearts.  And together, they both moved on.

She was in love, she was fairly certain of it.  It looked like love, it felt like love.  She was happy with him, content, she thought of little else.

And she was over Justin Timberlake.

It was a hard end to her summer after she went to Hawaii.  The days before school started were long and tedious.  She was alone and bored and thought only of him and her together, they were always fucking together.  She didn’t blame him for turning the switch on her so fast: from being her friend and casually flirting with her, to fucking laying beside her in her bed, to then being obsessed and enrapt in his girlfriend. 

She could see it in his face, she could sense it in her heart—they were going down a dangerous path.  Friends they could be, more than that—no.  It was unfair to both of them, and the only way to stop it from emerging, the only way to quell the feelings that overflowed in Colorado and overflowed when she was 17, was to banish them.

He had to hurt her.  He had to push her away.  And she had to accept it. 

Oh, was it hard to accept it, but she did and she did so faithfully.  Only at night, when she was alone in her bed, in her one bedroom apartment, did she let out her frustration and anger and bitterness and sorrow.

Classes started, it was a welcome distraction.  She thrusted herself into her studies, made no friends, made perfect grades.  Her life was school, school, and more school.  She had no time to think of her best friend.  She talked with him occasionally, but kept it friendly.  James noticed a change in her, noticed her pull away, noticed all her little faults, noticed every little thing about her, things she herself didn’t notice.  A glassy look in her eyes, a tremble of her lips—he noticed these things especially when he mentioned his brother.

Brandi was gone, left the day they returned from Hawaii.  A new girl, a stewardess in fact, had fixed his eye on the flight home.  It was her first flight, her first time, her first trial, and he teased her and flirted with her and was thankful she was stationed out of Memphis.

It didn’t last long, it never did. 

Katie tried to mother him, to talk sense into his repetitive cycle, and he would laugh at her and tell her she worried too much.  Truth was, he worried about her.

He worried about her from that week in August until the last week of January. She had been in classes for a semester and for those five months she had been a scholastic zombie.

Partners were needed for a class assignment, a bull shit idea that Katie wanted no part of.  Group work was always a bad idea:  one person always did the work, the others never pulled their weight.  In fact, it was the day before partners had to be assigned and projects chosen that everything changed.  She had walked up to her professor after class and asked if there was any way she could work on the project alone, that she understood in a business class group work was necessary, but that…

Before she could finish her argument a fellow student had walked up to the desk of her professor and claimed the same problem, that he worked every night, that finding time to work with a partner would be hard.

She glanced at him, he glanced at her and gave a sympathetic look.  The professor was done.  He had shut his briefcase and said, “if you two are so adamant about getting out of group work, then I think there would be no better partner for either of you than each other.”

The professor left promptly and Katie could only say a, “but...” and the door was shut, and she and her classmate were left alone.

“Nice try.  And alas, now we are stuck, both unwanting of each other.”

She narrowed her eyes at him, “Are you always this dramatic? Cause I will drop the class to get out of doing a project with Mr. Dramatic.”

“I’m Charlie,” he had laughed.  “Mr. Charlie Dramatic.”

His smile made her smile.  After the next class period, after their project was chosen, they made arrangements to meet at the library.  He kissed her the second time they met at the library, tucked in a corner, away from view.  They had laughed, someone had shushed them, and Katie left, holding his hand and smiling.

He was always, always making her smile.

It had almost been a year now, a perfect, carefree, enjoyable year with Charlie.  He had yet to make her cry.

“Cry about it why don’t you!” 

She breathed deep and focused in on the two guys that were sprawled out on the floor in front of her.  One of them, who was laying on his stomach, was kicking his socked feet up in the air in a happy manner; the other, sitting Indian style, was beating his controller into his head, making the wire flap in the air that was connected to the X-Box.

“You’re a sore loser, buzz.”  Katie laughed.

“Fucking cheat,” Trace grumbled and dropped his controller.  “The game cheats!”

“You used to say that about Katie,” she smiled when James looked over his shoulder at her and winked.  “Remember when you used to kick everyone’s ass at Dr. Mario?”

“Aww, I loved that game.”  Katie turned and smiled at the blonde beside her. She was flipping through a People magazine sitting with her legs crossed, her foot bobbing, almost as if she were waiting for an appointment, except her shoes were off and her hair was a mess on top of her head and her glasses were on.  Katie liked this side of Britney Spears.  She was normal, she was cute, she wasn’t frilly or fussy, just a fun girl who Katie never felt she had to act differently around.

Sure, at first it was weird—she was with her Justin, her Justin, but now, she didn’t really see him like that.  He wasn’t hers to keep and hold and protect.  They were friends, that was all.  Britney embraced that, and in a way Katie felt she owed it to be nice to Britney.  She had never done anything to hurt her, had been more than nice to her and now, now that Charlie was around, it was nice to have a girl to dish with.

Her and Britney weren’t great friends, they didn’t talk on the phone or hang out alone, but whenever Justin was around, Britney was around, and for Katie, it was really nice to not be the only girl in a group of rowdy boys.

“Do you guys still have that old Nintendo?” Katie asked and James shrugged.

“It’s in the attic.”  He took a breath and started to say in a loud voice, “Mo-“

“Stop!”  Katie yelled and leaned forward to smack his foot.  “You are not going to make your poor mother go up in the attic to find a damned Nintendo.”

“Boys are silly,” Britney said, and Katie nodded and leaned back against where she was sitting Indian style on the couch.

“Forreals.”  The boys started playing their game and Britney leaned closer to her and pointed to a picture of a shirtless Paul Walker all perfect and glossy in the magazine.

“Except that one,” she laughed.

“No, that one is not silly. Not at all,” Katie replied in a slow tone to prove her point, and both of them fell into giggles, staring at the cut body on the page before them.

“I met him at the Billboard awards and, oh my god girl, I thought I was going hump him or something.”

Katie leaned her head back against the couch and laughed heartily. “That would have been awkward….”  She stopped laughing suddenly and said seriously, “but worth it.”

They both laughed even more until Britney gasped and said, “Don’t tell Justin…”

“Don’t tell me what?”

“Nothing!”  Both girls separated, the magazine was thrown to the floor and they both bit nervously at their lips, trying not to laugh at the guy that was standing behind the couch, staring at both of them with his arms over his chest.

“Y’all are dangerous,” he said before bending his frame in half down over the back of couch and grinning at his girlfriend. “Wanna go walk?”

“It’s cold.” Katie watched as Britney turned up her nose.

“So?  Come on, me and you…”

She shrugged. “I don’t really want to.  I’ll have to find my shoes and get a coat.”

“You suck.”  Justin sighed, turned his head to the TV screen and watched the game for a few seconds, still leaning over the couch before saying,  “Anyone else wanna go outside?”

He was met with only the sounds of gunshots coming from the TV.

“I’ll go,” Katie said with a yawn before pulling her legs out in front of her and pointing her socked toes.  “My legs are cramping anyway.”  She smiled, stood up, stretched and then looked at Britney and laughed. “Let me know if Trace cries.”

“Shut it buzz,” Trace monotoned, not taking his eyes off the screen in front of them.  Something about that damn Halo game had had these boys obsessed for a month now, Charlie played it with his roommate all the time.  She didn’t see the appeal.

“I think he’s in time for a come back,” Britney said, picking her magazine back up.

“Thank you!  At least someone has some faith in me!” 

Katie laughed at her cousin and walked to the front door with Justin.  She didn’t have a coat with her, just put on her tennis shoes and smiled at Justin as he put on a large coat that made him look like the Michilin tire man.  She called him out on this and he swatted at her.  But once they got outside she was no longer laughing.  Her long sleeve t-shirt, sweater and jeans didn’t do enough for her hands or neck out in the cold.  Justin even had a damned hat on. 

She shivered as they walked down the front porch steps to the long drive way.  She didn’t know where they were walking and just walked with him in silence, continually chattering her teeth.

It wasn’t supposed to be this cold.  It was winter, but it had been fairly mild until the day before when the temperatures had dropped to around the freezing mark.  Katie didn’t expect any outdoor activity that night at the Timberlake’s.  She just thought they’d be inside hanging out, and they had been.  They had all had supper and hung out and now it was late.  It was dark outside and only the outside lights from their house and the porch lights form his grandparents’ illuminated their walk down the driveway.

Being alone with Justin was slightly awkward, being with him in a group of people wasn’t.  It was natural and friendly, but alone there was an unspoken tension, a silenced spark that was barely glowing in the distance.  Even though she was with someone else and even though their love life had been over for a year and a half, if there ever was “love” involved, it was weird between them sometimes.

Still, she walked with him quietly and enjoyed being alone with him, despite the awkwardness.

When she had been “involved” with Justin it was different than when she slept with Charlie.  Even when they were just hanging out, watching a movie and goofing off it was different than when she was doing those things with Justin.   There were similarities of course, but the difference was there.  Charlie was new; everything about him was different from what she knew.  He was exciting and she had fun finding out everything about him.  She already had memorized everything about Justin.

Justin was comfort; that was all it was, she told herself.  She was lonely and going through a weird period and she found comfort in him and his body, and she was ok with that.

The one thing that always, always seemed to stand out in her mind was how everything with Justin seemed serious, even when they were joking, even when they were laughing: it meant something.  Every look and touch had definition in it.  Charlie and her could laugh and not think about it, they could having sex and laugh and laugh afterward and he would poke her under the covers and quote random silly things to her so she would smack him with the pillow.  She had never laughed so much as she did when she was with Charlie McNeil.  She liked that.

She felt so carefree.

She liked not having to worry about everything.  She liked knowing that not every little thing had some deeper meaning.  It let her really fall for him and it let her live her life and not be shackled to feelings she didn’t understand.

But walking with Justin in sobering silence couldn’t help but be awkward because of the seriousness.  The fact that they were walking alone, not touching, feet apart, curled into themselves with cold, it still meant something.  It was a moment, a Katie and Justin moment that no one else was apart of.

It had been a long, long time since they had been alone like this.  The clear, bitter, winter silence seemed to punctuate this.

For a moment she wished Charlie were there instead of Justin.  Charlie would hold her hand, run around with her, tackle her on the hard ground and say something weird and dorky and make her laugh.  He’d keep her mind off the cold.  He’d probably run her around so much and chase her and make her laugh so hard that she’d forget it was cold and maybe even start to sweat.

He would kiss her, using his lips in that particularly soft way, and grab her hip with his large hands.  He’d let her know without saying a word, with only a small, short kiss that he wanted her so bad.

She bit her lips thinking about his kisses.

But then she felt bad when she heard Justin’s distinct way of clearing his throat.  She should’ve been thankful to be alone with Justin.  Being with him wasn’t something that she got very often anymore.  Nsync was touring, always fucking touring and when they weren’t, he was with Britney going on vacations or at his Florida home always partying and hanging out.  She got pulled along and invited occasionally, but with school it was hard to get away all the time, and being with a group and having Justin there was a completely different thing than having him all to herself.

She looked over at him; his hands were shoved down into his jeans and his shoulders were hunched up, making his head look turtle-ish, pulled down into his body.  The hat that covered his curls and made a perfect, smooth round shape didn’t help this image.  Katie smiled at him but held in her laughter and refrained from making a Teenager Mutant Ninja Turtle joke.  He used to love them as a kid.  They’d sometime play “turtles” in her parents’ back yard.  He was always Leonardo and she was always Donatello, because he had a purple mask. 

Justin looked good, tired, but good.  His face was pink in the cold and his breath was foggy in front of him.  She didn’t know why he wanted to take a walk, but she knew he needed to get out of the house and for some reason, he didn’t want to be alone. 

She could read him, and she knew that something was on his mind.  Even though he might not say a damn word to her about whatever it was, she knew that being with him, walking out into the cold darkness with him and not asking questions, helped. 

She knew that sometimes just being with him in the silence helped whatever was plaguing his mind.

“Kate, let’s hold hands."

She stopped walking and he stopped a few feet in front of her when he finally noticed.  She breathed out a puff of air.  "Are you serious?"

He held out his bare hand and laughed a little, "come on.”  She didn’t question it, but it was awkward standing there before it happened, staring at his hand.   But once her fingers were laced with his it wasn’t awkward anymore.  It was natural, and both their chilly fingers seemed to warm slowly intertwined like that.

They walked in silence.  It was dark now, the moon and stars were not out, the lights from the house were off in the distance.  Now she couldn’t even see the fog of her breath in front of her.

“How’s Charlie?”

“He’s great,” she replied, trying to debate in her mind if it was weird that he was asking about her boyfriend when they were holding hands.

He squeezed her hand softly and laughed slightly, “I’m still mad you won’t ever let me meet him.”

“Dork, I’m not keeping him from you,” she swung their arms together.  They were closer now, side by side, walking together.  “You just don’t have schedules that mesh.  If he didn’t have to work so late tonight, you’d meet him.”  They turned off the driveway to the street and Justin tugged her along the front edge of his Grandparents’ yard.  “You’d get along real well.”

“I’ll have to meet him sometime soon.”

“James approves,” Katie said, shivering her shoulders.  Her hand was warm now, very warm, but the rest of her was starting to really feel frozen. 

“Good.”  Justin stopped and turned in front of her.  She could see his smile in the dark.  “I like knowing you’re taken care of.  I don’t like thinking of you being lonely.”

“Are you ok?” Katie asked, staring at him hard, noticing now in the dark light that his eyes looked tired and that his smile, though bright, seemed slightly sad.

“Yeah, I just got a lot on my mind.”  She shrugged and pulled her hand away, so she could stick them under her arms to warm them.  He shoved his into the pockets on his coat and rocked back on his heels when she said, “Talk about it.”

“Does she seem weird to you?”

“Britney?” Katie asked and shook her head. “No, not at all.”  He was quiet and an uneasy feeling started to bubble up in her stomach.  “What’s happened?”

“I don’t know.”  He sighed.  “I feel closer to her than anyone, but I can feel her pulling away.  And I’m latching on to her, and it’s annoying her. I can tell.”

“I thought you two were attached at the hip.”

“Me too. I mean, Kate…” He sighed and her heart started to ache.  Whatever was going on, whatever he was upset or unsure about was weighing heavily on him, very, very heavily.  “Why are you with me right now?”

“Huh?”  She was confused; did he want her to leave?

“And not her?” he asked, his voice almost breaking.  She could tell that he was breaking.  He was truly upset about this.  “This is supposed to be a romantic walk with her and I’m with my best friend.”

“Maybe she just doesn’t want to get frostbite,” she said, trying to keep the mood light.

“I’d keep her warm.” He sounded so pitiful and downtrodden, and she stared at him and shook as a breeze came through and chilled her to the bone.  The wind wasn’t as cool as his words were.  Justin had always worn his heart on his sleeve and Katie always felt it deeply when he was emotional about something.  His eyes lifted and stared into hers.  Suddenly, the heartache was gone and a sly, half smile was on his lip.  “Are you cold?”

“Oh no,” she laughed and shivered again.  “Just can’t feel my fingers or feet or ears or nose.”

He laughed and unzipped his jacket and said, “Come here.”

She stared at him only for a moment before stepping towards him, and before she knew it, her front was pressed to his, her arms were around his middle and his arms puffy with the fabric of the jacket were around her.  Immediately she was warmed, and she closed her eyes in the embrace and breathed in the smell of laundry detergent and his cologne through his shirt. 

“This is what you get for not bringing a jacket.”  He chuckled and she just smiled against him.  Comfort, pure and simple, filled her body up, and she forgot about everything and everyone else and enjoyed being so close to him, so warm with him.

“I didn’t think I’d be taking a walk,” she mumbled against him.

“I didn’t think--”  He stopped his speech and sighed.

“Hmm?”  She squeezed him.

“Kate,” His voice was cracking, and she held him tighter and didn’t open her eyes.  He needed comfort right then and she wished she could make it better for him.

“Hmm?”

“Look…” It was just a whisper.

She opened her eyes and looked up to see his face turned up towards the sky, smiling, amazed.

It was snowing.

It never snowed.

“Are you serious?”  Katie gasped, not pulling away from him, just staring up at the sky and laughing when a snowflake hit her face and tickled her skin.  “It won’t stick, it’s just a tease,” she said, trying to calm them both down.  Both their hearts were beating with excitement in their chests.  It snowed in this part of Tennessee, but it rarely made a mark, a few times a year there would be flurries or even a snow shower, if it stuck it was usually a dusting and usually gone the next day. Every few years they’d get a sizable storm, but it was still rare enough to invigorate childish excitement in everyone.

Still, something about snow made her heart swell and made her feel like she was a kid again.  It was something that would always happen for her, always, even when she was old.  Snow took her back.

“Remember that time when we got out of 5th grade for four fucking days?”

“Mom let me stay over at yall’s place.”  Her arms were still around him and he looked down at her for a moment and smiled.  “I thought it was so cool I got to have a sleep over with boys.”

“Your cousin and me and James don’t really count though, huh?”  He smirked.

She rolled her eyes.  “Especially when you guys kept annoying me all night and I had to go sleep with your mom.”

“I wish we were kids again, Kate,” he said pulling her back closer.  She put her head against his chest and just watched the snow flutter around them.

“What?”

He looked down straight into her eyes. “Being an adult sucks sometimes.”

“Back then we couldn’t wait to be 18.”  She smiled.

He looked away from her for a moment and then his eyes pierced back into hers as he said, “18 is when the drama starts.”

They stared at each other for a long, long time before Katie laughed, shivered and said,  “Let’s head back.  You’re warm, but the fire was warmer.”  She slid her arms around from him.

“That kind of hurts.”  He pouted and she just laughed at him and nudged his shoulder, trying not to let the vast bitter cold take over her now that she was separated from him.

“Plus,” she said biting her lip.  Something felt weird, different and her voice wavered when she said her boyfriend’s name, “I promised Charlie I’d call him.”

“I’m so going to get on the phone and annoy you and scare him.”  He laughed and started to jog past her.

“Justin…”  She whined.

“Race ya back!” he yelled.  It was unfair, he was at least 20 feet ahead of her.   But then he slipped on something and had to stop himself by running forward and halting so he would fall down.  She laughed and ran past him and as they got to the house, the rest of the crew was fumbling out of the front door wrapped up and yelling about the snow.

It was a fun rest of the night.  Charlie got off early and she invited him over.  The snow actually stuck and fell long and heavy enough that it blanketed outside and they spent hours that night playing in it.  At some point Justin and Britney disappeared.  Katie noticed but tried to not let it bother her.  She tried not to let the fact that Justin hadn’t really spoken to Charlie get under her skin, but it did.  Justin was friendly to him, nice, cordial, but he wrapped himself back up in Britney, threw snow at her and hugged her and kissed her, and then left with her somewhere in the house.  She was glad Charlie didn’t seem weird around Justin either.  Charlie knew everything, and one of the reasons she had made a point not to let him around Justin until now was because she was afraid of what would happen, what Charlie would say, or notice…

Katie forced herself not to worry about it, but she did worry.  Something about holding him felt so right, and something in his eyes looked so hurt and distraught, and even though she was over him and even though she was with Charlie, something was pulling all her thoughts towards Justin.  She couldn’t afford for this to start up again.  She was over it, it had been a year since these feelings were wrapped up inside of her and she was determined to keep them away.  Her boyfriend had made them go away.

She had Charlie and he was everything she could ever dream of in a man.  He was perfect and he was enough. 

He wasn’t Justin, but he was enough.