Early August, 1998
He was leaving the next day. And she didn't know what to do about it or if there was anything to do. They had kissed, yes, but that was more than a month and a half ago and he had yet to mention it. She knew he was drunk and he probably didn’t remember. But she had caught him staring at her on several occasions since them, especially while they were all hanging out at his mother's new pool. He hadn't really hung out with her as much as she used to. He was always busy with Trace or Nick or other...girls. She would of course hang out with James and he would often be around. James and him had returned from their camping trip two weeks ago, just the two of them, gone for a weekend. Katherine had confronted James and asked him if Justin seemed quiet or off to him. James told her she was being too sensitive, that Justin seemed fine to him. James said that she was over-thinking things becuase they hadn't hung out at all that summer. And he was right. Since he had come home they hadn't been alone, never really truly alone, just Justin and Katie, best friends again, back like they use to be.
She wondered if they would ever get back to how it used to be or if he had changed too much. If maybe her feelings were getting in the way of that friendship. She wondered if she’d ever be able to look at him like she used to.
And because they hadn't hung out, just them, all summer, and he was leaving tomorrow, she had had a very, very hard time holding in her excitement when he called her up an hour earlier and asked her what she was up to that afternoon. He had called her on the phone because he was bored. She could tell by his sudden interest in her life, in what she was up to. He told her he wanted out of the house because his mom was starting to fuss over him going away again, and he asked if he could come over and hang out. She said sure, and it wasn’t until she had hung up the phone that she remembered her parents were gone. She was home....alone.
And he was coming over. Alone.
She sat on the couch nervously putting her hair up in a pony tail, then pulling it down and then putting it up again. She kept mumbling to herself about how stupid she was being. This was Justin, it didn’t matter what she looked like or how she acted. They were friends. That was it.
She sat there curled up in a pair of shorts and a tank top, TV on, barely being watched, and she was completely freaked out. She had no idea that the boy driving his car only few houses down the street to her driveway was as nervous as she was. But he was clueless. He chalked it up to the tour, to leaving tomorrow, to having had something weird for lunch. But deep down he knew it was because he was going to see her.
While Katie understood her nerves were wrapped up in a crush, in the remembrance of what happened the last moment they were alone, and while he drove to her house clueless but anxious—neither of them realized what this afternoon would mean for them, how it would completely halt their friendship and ignite something new. Something exciting. Something both of them had been craving.
Something so fucking flawed.
She bit and picked at her nails, chipping the clear polish off of them. Time seemed to slow down and she almost started to laugh. She was acting ridiculous. This was just Justin. Just him. If it were James she’d be yawning, completely into whatever was on the TV and when he’d show up she’d just wave at him and he’d sit on the floor or on a chair and they’d just sit there, silent for minute until he’d finally stand up off the couch and ask, “wanna soda?” It wouldn’t be awkward and she wouldn’t be debating in her mind what to say or how to act.
It’s just Justin, she kept thinking to herself.
Suddenly there was a knock on the front door that startled her. Normally he would just come through the garage, open the screen door and call into the house as he walked in, "It's Justin." But the garage door was down this afternoon, and she had forgotten. She sat on the couch and waited for him to turn the knob and come in. The door was unlocked.
But he didn't let himself in. She had to stand off the couch and pad over to the front door and pull the door open. It drained her of all her energy and she was breathing heavily by the time the door was opened.
He was standing there, bright smile, sunglasses over his eyes were moved to his head. It was weird, the various bright colored jerseys she had seen him in all summer were gone and he was there in just a pair of loose jeans and a white shirt.
"Hey," he said simply, and she said it back as he walked past her into the house, smelling like cologne. His face looked soft, and he was chewing gum. She shut the door and closed her eyes. He was in her house, alone.
The last time they were alone they had kissed, and it wasn’t just a kiss.
It was a kiss.......
And he had left her stranded and alone.
When she turned he was on her couch, sprawled out, arms over the back of the couch, legs spread, sunglasses thrown onto the coffee table. "What's up, girl? Where's mom and pops?"
She bit her lip and cautiously walked towards him, perching herself on the arm of the sofa. She was so nervous and he seemed so calm, relaxed, just like always.
“Oh, they went into Little Rock for the day." When she looked at him, he was staring right at her, blue eyes piercing through her. She darted her gaze to the floor. "They won’t be back until nine or ten."
"Oh."
It was quiet, that was all he said.
The TV was on low, a commercial for a local used car dealership played and she looked at it until it went off. It was still quiet. They hadn't said anything. He had only moved his relaxed position to a more closed one, legs together, leaning over his thighs, elbows to his knees, hands rubbing together.
She turned to him sharply and he was still staring at her. "So do you want something to eat or drink?"
"Um, sure." He nodded at her and she noticed him stare at her for a moment and then look down her body and then scratch the back of his head. That was a nervous habit of his and she had to wonder what in the hell he was thinking.
She slid off the arm of the couch and moved towards the kitchen, calling out to him, "What do you want? We've got the usual, and I don’t think dad will notice his beers missing if you want one."
She smiled over her shoulder at him. She was starting to feel more relaxed now that he was here and everything was normal. And now that she knew he might possibly be a little nervous, too made her not feel so awkward. It didn’t make sense to her, but she tried not to question it. He was following her now and seemed more relaxed. He smiled a mischievous, lopsided grin at her.
"Are you gonna drink, too?"
She shrugged. "If you are."
They entered the kitchen and she walked to the fridge as he walked over to the trash can in the corner, pressed the toe of his sneakers into the foot lever and spat his gum out into it. The lid shut with a loud thud and he went to lean against the counter. "I am not going down alone here if we get caught drinking your dad's beer..."
"They won’t be back for like eight hours." She smiled at him and handed him a can. She was unsure why she even wanted to drink beer. That summer it seemed to be around her and her friends more than ever. She hated beer. The taste disgusted her. But drinking with Justin seemed exciting in her mind, even though he did it all the time now. She figured it was something they could share, a little Katie and Justin moment. Those had been lacking lately.
"Okay." He took the beer from her hand and popped the tab, sucking on the opening quickly. She followed his actions and stood there in silence for a while, drinking, wishing she had something not so stale tasting. But she did enjoy how he looked drinking it, his jaw defined while he gulped, his strong neck taking the fluid down. She bit her lip and looked away.
These thoughts just kept coming and they wouldn’t stop. She needed them to stop. She needed to stop picturing him naked.
She needed to stop remembering his words from that night.
“I kind of liked seeing you naked...”
She blinked and looked up at him
“...a lot.”
All of a sudden he nodded at her and silently waved his arm at her as he turned and walked back into the den.
She followed him and asked, "Are you excited about going on tour with the group again?" He plopped on the couch and patted the space right beside him and she mindlessly fell down on the cushions next to him, curling up her legs for a moment before reaching forward for the remote to channel surf.
He responded to her after a heavy sigh, "Yeah, you know touring is so...so, just something that I wish everyone could experience. It's like nothing you have ever done before."
She nibbled on her lip. She didn’t know how touring was. She wanted him to tell her. She wanted to be apart of that life with him or at least have him share it. But he assumed that he had spent as much time with her that summer as he had other friends….other girls. But she barely knew more than what she did two months ago before he came back.
She just knew what he looked like naked now.
And she knew how his mouth tasted.
He seemed so much older in that moment, drinking his beer, talking about touring and experiences. Suddenly she wished she could travel the world with him. Hell she didn’t care, she just wished she could be with him more often.
She licked her lips. She wanted to kiss him again. But she knew that was out of the question. “We're gonna miss you around here though, Rids."
He lazily turned his head to her and he smiled, "You think I don't miss home when I am out there?" His smile faded a little and he awkwardly nudged her with his elbow. "I miss this place and you guys more than you know"
"Riddy Please..." She rolled her eyes. "You’re too busy off doing crazy things to even think about it." She giggled a little at the thought in her head and covered her mouth when she said it, "too busy off banging all those ‘Nsync groupies."
She couldn’t believe she was letting him, in a very subtle way, know that she had thought about him having sex before. She covered her mouth with her hand and kept laughing. She felt silly and weird, awkward and childish.
"I don't sleep with the girls..." He smiled, laughed and then cringed a little, still grinning at her. "I actually, and this is going to be a little embarrassing, but I haven't had sex since my last girlfriend, four months ago."
She couldn’t help her giggles and nervous laughter which seemed to erupt under her hand. So it was true. She figured he had, she figured him and Veronica had had sex, but to hear him really say it made him seem....she didn’t know, so...so different.
Then she thought to herself, maybe it wasn’t Veronica. Maybe it was Danielle. Maybe it was someone she didn’t even know about. Maybe it was a lot of girls.
"Yeah…so embarrassing." She laughed sarcastically. He sounded so much older, ‘oh it had been four months’. She hadn’t even done it yet and here he was embarrassed by it being a while. She was suddenly embarrassed of being a virgin and that was something she had never felt before.
She was proud of it with Ryan. Wanted to wait. Wanted to keep it when she was with him and nothing was going to change her mind. And now with Justin sitting right by her, she couldn’t stop thinking….things.
"For a guy it is..." he said defensively. She just sat there quietly. Her and Justin hadn’t talked about that part of their lives. This...this was a first even talking about sex with each other. They hadn’t really ever discussed girlfriends or boyfriends or sex or anything like that. And now, all of a sudden, alone, it was the only topic of conversation.
It was like it was destined to come up.
And then he asked, "What about you?"
She gulped and felt her face tingle. She knew what he was asking and she knew she couldn’t tell him. It would be too embarrassing and even though she still considered him her best friend, even though it hadn’t seemed that way all summer, it wasn’t something he had any business knowing.
"What about me what?" she said quickly.
"When was the last time?" He raised his eyebrows at her and sipped some more on his beer. She had abandoned her can to the coffee table, only a few sips had been drunk. She stared at him and couldn’t believe him. He was looking at her so genuinely.
He assumed she had had sex.
She didn’t want to tell him the truth. Something about it just seemed off, like he would think her naive or stupid, not one of the cool girls he had hung out with all summer, or one of the girls from Florida or on tour. They were different from her.
They always would be.
She cleared her throat, stood off the couch and moved to the cabinets by the TV. "Maybe we should watch a movie."
She didn’t have to see him to know he was giving a crazy look. She heard him drag out, “ooooookay."
She opened the cabinet and stared at all the movie boxes, trying to breathe deeply, "What do you want to watch?"
They picked out some action movie and she only half paid attention. She sat on the couch away from him and curled up into herself, trying to forget everything that had just happened. Trying to ignore the awkward silence between them now as the beginning credits rolled of Mission Impossible.
But Justin wasn’t able to ignore it. And he couldn’t forget it. He wanted to know why she was being distant, why she had been distant all summer.
He stared at her as she watched the movie and finally he just looked back at the TV screen and asked, “You never answered me...” She was quiet, and he looked over at her to see her face a little pink, her teeth nibbling on her bottom lip. “When was your last time?"
Immediately he knew he shouldn’t have asked. She was staring at him, narrowed eyes, angry. "God, why does it matter to you?"
He didn’t think it would be a bad thing to ask. They were friends, close, close friends and he hadn’t gotten to spend as much time with her that summer as he had hoped. He…things had prevented it.
Things had gotten awkward.
"I just want to know," he said quietly, just looking at her.
"What do you think Justin?" She asked in an angry tone and raised her hands to smack them back against her thighs, glaring at him. “Not everyone is all experienced as you."
"Wait..." He understood now. And he felt like the wind had been knocked out of him. But her and Ryan… "You mean, you've never?"
"Why? Would you expect me to have?!" she asked defensively and he felt horrible. He didn’t want her thinking he thought she was a whore or something.
He just thought her and Ryan were that serious.
She was biting her lips now and he couldn’t help but stare at them. Memories started to flood him. One memory in particular that he was trying his best to forget. He had been drunk and stupid.
But he had known exactly what he wanted.
He moved his gaze from her lips to her eyes and said, "I just thought - I mean, I don't know what I mean. I just thought you and Ryan..." He couldn’t finish, she was distracting him too much, and suddenly be became very aware of the fact that she was only wearing small shorts and a tank top and her hair was pulled back from her face, exposing her long, slender neck.
She had always been a very cute girl, almost annoyingly cute when she was little with a bright smile, dimples and huge dark eyes. Now…now she was…
Well, she wasn’t just a cute little girl anymore.
He sucked in a breath and didn’t realize that he was leaning closer to her, his one arm over the back of the couch, leaning closer to her. He blinked and focused in on her. She was staring at him, eyes watery and voice quiet, "Is that why you came over?"
It had never been like this with them. There had never been tension. It was his fault, his fucking fault for inviting her out that night to go swimming.
It was his fault for wanting to see her naked. It was his fault for looking.
And his fault for kissing her.
But God…she kissed him back.
"God no!" he said quickly and her eyes blinked, and she seemed hurt in an instance, as if he had just broken her heart or something. He didn’t understand. She crossed her arms over her chest and looked away from him. "Kate..."
She said harshly, "Maybe you should go home."
"Yea, maybe." He didn’t know why he said it, but he did and soon he was standing up, slowly walking back towards her front door, hanging his head and fishing for his keys in his pocket. Maybe she was jealous, or maybe she was angry. Maybe she thought that’s what he had done all summer, fucked around with all those girls. Maybe…maybe he had really hurt her that night swimming.
He hadn’t really thought about it that way. He tried not to let it get to him that she kissed him back and asked him not to go. He just, he didn’t want to take advantage of her.
But now, looking at her closed off and sad, he had to wonder if maybe she wanted that.
No, no he needed to calm down. This was Katie. She didn’t see him like that.
He couldn’t understand what had happened, what was happening, but things were different between them and he didn’t like it.
“No…” He stopped in front of the door and turned to see her standing up, coming towards him with a compassionate look on her face. “Don’t. I’m sorry.”
She was right beside him and he turned to her. She was staring up at his face and he couldn’t take his eyes off of her. Suddenly, he was smiling at her and he wanted to touch her. He tried to tell himself to stop, but his hand moved to her arm and held her there lightly. “Remember that night we all went swimming..."
She didn’t look away, but her face reddened and she whispered back to him, "Vaguely.”
He stepped closer and held her arm tighter, shaking his head and saying, "I didn’t sleep with those girls that night, Katie." He didn’t know why he was telling her this, it didn’t matter. She hadn’t even mentioned those other girls.
But he wanted her to know that, that that night…it was all about her, he was just too stupid to let her know that.
He sucked in a breath and let out quickly, "I made out with two of them, but...but after, after, after I saw you...” He chewed on his lip, having trouble saying this without stuttering. “After I saw you swimming and then when you let me kiss you I just...I couldn’t do anything more."
Her eyes rolled and she laughed bitterly, her arms coming across her chest again. "Didn’t know I was that big of a turn off."
He pulled his hand away and said, "You don’t get it do you?" It was getting too heavy in there for him and he felt hot and his face was burning. He rubbed it with both of his hands and sighed.
She was looking off to the side and it made it a little easier for him to admit this to her without those eyes looking at him, "I've been trying, trying so hard to get up the courage to kiss you again this summer."
Her mouth opened and shut and her eyes turned to stare right into his.
She couldn’t believe it. Staring at him, staring at her, she couldn’t believe it. She licked her lips and took a step back and sat down on the couch.
He…he wanted to kiss her?
She crossed her arms over her stomach and tried not to stare at him as he walked around the coffee table and came in between it and the couch and sat down right beside her.
He sat up on the edge of it and turned back to look at her leaning back against the couch, completely shocked.
She wanted to hear it. She’d been wanting to hear it. And now, knowing that he was leaving the next day and that all summer while she had been thinking about kissing him and wanting to kiss him, he had been thinking the same things about her, the whole summer suddenly seemed to be very, very wasteful.
"You probably don’t see me in that way, do you?"
She stared at him and said in a very quiet voice, "I never said that."
And just like that they both started to realize and they both knew that the attraction they had felt for each other that summer was mutual. No longer were they awkward, no longer was there tension.
They were just Justin and Katie again, quiet, relaxed, but never the same.
She was smiling to herself but wouldn’t look at him, and the more he looked at her the more he started to smile and he licked his lips and said, “So if I kissed you, you wouldn’t push me away?"
Her eyes darted to his and she gulped and shook her head, whispering, “No.”
With that said between them he sat back against the couch, right beside her. Their shoulders were touching and he stared in front of him, feeling awkward, not really about being with her, but awkward about trying to decide how to start this. He was determined to kiss her now.
He just had to figure out how.
He rolled his head over towards her and she was still staring right in front of her, both hands flattened, palms touching and tucked in between her thighs. She wouldn’t stop licking her lips, and he could tell by the look in her face that she was nervous or scared or both.
“Kate…”
She wouldn’t look at him, only said, "Yes?"
He started to smile to himself because he knew her so well. He could read her mind and he was right in his assumptions. She wanted this but she didn’t want to start it, she was waiting on him. He was going to have to do that.
And he wanted to. And he did start it. He was always starting it.
He leaned in a little and touched her cheek, turning her head towards his. She was now just staring at him and he moved his head up close to hers and stared at her only for a moment before pressing his lips against hers in a very tense, tight kiss.
He stroked her cheek with his fingers, pulled back and rubbed his nose against hers, feeling her sigh against his lips. “Relax…” he whispered. “It’s just me."
She whispered close to him and he could feel her breath against his lips and it made him want her, "But...but you’re so experienced and I’ve...” She swallowed hard. “I mean I’ve just made out with Ryan."
He licked his lips and smiled at her, "Katie we're just kissing..."
He pulled back for a second and looked at her fully, trying to read whatever she was trying to tell him with her eyes. His hand dropped from her face and he opened his mouth to ask her if she was ok, but he didn’t have the chance. She leaned into him and pressed her lips back against his, her hands on his shoulders.
She opened her mouth against his and he moaned.
It was just like that night at the creek but better, so much better. He kissed her deeply and she kissed him back, over and over.
And before they both realized it she had lost all her insecurities, the tight, small kisses they had started with were gone and both mouths were open, tongues wild and breathing hard. Her hands grabbed his shirt and she moved to sink down on the couch and to pull him on top of her.
He couldn’t believe that Katie was this good at it, that she knew what to do even though she claimed inexperience. Her mouth and body claimed otherwise. He laid on top of her on the couch, and her legs spread for him and he settled his weight against her, liking the soft groan she made when their hips connected. She felt good and warm and smooth underneath him and he smiled at himself, kissing her, amazed that finally, fucking finally he was able to make out with his Katie.
He had been wanting to all summer. He couldn’t get it out of his mind, every time he’d see her he’d get curious but end up ignoring her, trying to hide his feelings, trying to block the images in his mind of her naked and wet, swimming in the creek.
He didn’t get to see much of her, but enough, just enough.
Just enough to spend the summer jacking off to visions of her at night. Just enough to need to kiss her now, to touch the outside of her thigh, to feel her lips against his neck and to push his crotch into hers. She was breathing heavy underneath him and it turned him on and easily made him hard. Her arms were around his middle holding his back, fingers pressing harder every time he’d press against her hips. He didn’t even think when he pushed a hand up her shirt and bra and touched her breast. He didn’t even ask if it was ok for him to do it.
He didn't have to.
She moaned into his mouth in response and he kept touching her, feeling the harden nipple under his palm, pressing against it and massaging, keeping her moaning.
They moved in a rough friction against each other, moaning into kisses, hands clutching and grabbing.
Neither of them realized they’d be this needy with each other. But they were, they were devouring each other.
He pulled his lips away from her. No woman had ever felt this good to him. He smiled to himself, he had never really considered her a woman before, but that’s…that’s what she was to him now.
His Katie had grown up.
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