October, 1998

It had been two months since she last saw him, and over that two months there had only been four phone calls.  Each one had remained a casual, friendly “hey what’s up.” That was it.  The first call was a week after he had left and it was awkward between them on the phone, silent pauses and sighs and many drawn out “ums”.

But part of her hung on to him, hung onto the possibility that maybe, somehow, things would work out between them.  They had had sex and while she knew they had not said there were together or dating or anything like that, it still was a huge thing in her mind, a huge experience. It was something, even though they ignored on their few phone calls, she couldn’t ignore it as she sat at home or at school thinking about him, daydreaming about him and their time together that random afternoon.

And he thought about her as well, but it was different.  Things were always different for him and always would be.  He had more things to do, he was always on the run, recording one day, touring the next, interviewing here and photo shoots there.  He barely had time to sit and think about her for extended periods of time.  But he did think about her, and every time he did he searched for a distraction.

Now, now that he was on tour, a new city every day, he found his needed distraction. 

It had happened between them, he had struck a spark inside of her and it was growing like a wild fire.  She spent nights aching for him, waiting him to call her, knowing if he did right then and there she’d give into him and tell him everything she was thinking and feeling.

She’d confess how she wanted that afternoon back.  How she wanted him again, deep, deep inside.

But he never called in those moments.  He always called right after school was over, or in the middle of dinner with her parents.  They had never really been able to talk about what had happened, to figure out what to do with it and what it meant for them.  Cause dammit, it meant something, to both of them.

Now the group was in Memphis for a show.

It was a Friday and James’ grandparents had already come up to visit Justin.  James and Katie both had had a test that afternoon at school, and now he was driving them into the city.

She couldn’t stop herself from wondering what would happen once they got there.  If Justin would hug her, or pull her into a private room and kiss her like he did before he left.  She held onto that kiss and wanted another one.   

Part of her was excited and happy, but a small part of her was scared.  Very scared.

The four phone calls hadn’t been too comforting, he had been distant and awkward and so had she.  Doing it was one thing, talking about it was a whole other world she was unprepared for.

The closer they got to the arena the more her fear started to go away.  As they pulled through the parking lot, back to a loading area with huge tour buses and transfer trucks, she had to bite her lip to keep from smiling.

The battle between naïve expectation and realistic uncertainty was over and she sat there giggly, smiling, and dumb.

James turned down the radio and pointed to the backseat with his thumb, “Hey, get the parking pass out of my bookbag, will ya?  It’s in the front pocket.”

She undid her seat belt and twisted around, finding the pass easily and handing it back to James as soon as he pulled up to the gate.  She had been to this arena for concerts in the past, but standing that close and looking up to it from the backstage entrance, it looked huge and she stared wide eyed and amazed.

It didn’t take them long to get through security and get parked.  People stared at them as they walked into the loading area.  James, even though he had brown hair and wasn’t as skinny as Justin, still looked like him.  This tour was bigger than any they had been on before and a lot of the crew and a lot of the help had never seen James before and probably did not know that Justin had a twin.

She watched him as James rolled his eyes a little bit by the stares.  He had always been a quiet guy, quieter than his brother and much more reserved.  He never liked the spotlight and liked watching rather than being watched.  Sometimes she was amazed by how alike the brothers were.

And other times they were so different it was hard to think they really were twins.

“So do you know where we’re going?”  Katie asked to try to distract him from the stares.

“Not really.”  He laughed and looked down a hallway.  They spotted a huge man standing there, talking to a small woman and James tugged on Katie’s arm.  “That’s uh, uh…” He sighed and mumbled ‘crap’ under his breath, “I can’t remember his name.”

“Does he know who you are?”  Katie asked nervously.  She didn’t have a pass and she wondered if people were now staring at her because of it.  She, like James, hated to be stared at.  She liked watching people and she wondered if that’s why she liked Justin so much, because she liked watching him. 

She hadn’t been backstage before, not on tour.  Nsync had never come this close to home.  Sure a few summers ago she flew down to Orlando to visit but that was different, much different.  She kept following James and when they came within ten feet of the big man, he locked his gaze onto James and nodded and smiled.

“Oh…” Recognition washed over the man’s face and the woman that was there, waved and walked away, talking into the headset that was over her ears and mouth.  “The twin brother.  James, right?”

“Yeah, we’re looking for Justin.”

Katie glanced at the badge hanging from the man’s front shirt pocket.  It had a picture of him and read “Lonnie” with the word “security” under his name.

“First room on your right…”  James smiled and started to walk that way.  Katie followed, but as soon as she took a step an arm came out in front of her, blocking her way.  She was forced to stop and look up at the man’s face.  She sucked in a breath.  She was afraid of this.  She knew it would be a situation that would get fixed easily.  They could call his mom or have someone go get Justin. 

But the last thing she wanted to do was bother anyone. 

“Uh, young lady I’m sorry, we’re supposed to have passes for everyone who comes down this hallway.”

“She’s his best friend,” James said, stepping up.  His tone was defensive and his jaw was locked.  She almost laughed at him.  His eyes were narrowed and even though James was over six feet tall, he didn’t stand close in comparison to the size of this man. James, ever her protector, she thought, and it made her giggle.  “I promise she’s not a fan.”

“We need a pass.”  Lonnie shrugged indifferently.

She looked at James and said ‘sorry’ silently.  He just shook his head and sighed heavily. “I guess we’ll just have to call my mom.”  He touched her shoulder and moved to start walking the way they came.  “Come on, Katie.”

“Katie?”  Lonnie said.  Their movements came to a halt.  Katie’s heart stopped and they turned to stare at him.  He was smiling a little.  “You’re Katie?”

“Uh huh,” she said, staring back, clueless as to why he would know her name.

“Sorry girl…”  He laughed a little and said, “I don’t mean to be a hard ass.  We just had a couple of girls try to pull a fast one earlier.  Two seconds.”  Slowly she began to smile and had to bite her lip to keep from squealing.

That mean he knew about her.  That meant Justin had been talking about her.  Well, it could have been Lynn or Trace, but still he knew about her, and she hoped it was from Justin.  And she hoped the smile on his face was a good one.

“T, you there?”  They waited and listened to him as he spoke into the walkie he had pulled from the side of his hip.

A voice came over with a bit of static. “Yeah, copy.”

“Justin’s brother and his friend Katie are here. I’m sending them in,” Lonnie said.

“Alright, copy.”  Lonnie put his walkie back at his belt and nodded them down to the door.

They walked a few feet and got to a door that had a taped sign outside that said “Nsync only”.  James put his hand on the door handle, looked at her for a moment and immediately started laughing.

“Whoa! Chill out Miss Kool-Aid,” he said in response to her smile.  He hadn’t seen Katie this excited about something in a long time.

She forced herself to breathe and moved her bottom jaw in a circular motion to keep from smiling too big.  “It’s been a while,” she said quietly, forcing her excitement down, holding it in her stomach that felt weak.

He rolled his eyes at her and opened the door, stepping in before her.  She was blocked by his frame as she heard, “What up!!”

It was his voice, his excited, but casual tone.

“Hey man…” James said and she stood there as Justin materialized right in front of her, hugging his brother lovingly.  He was smiling and his eyes were bright.

Then his eyes locked onto hers and his smile started to fade. 

So did hers.

He stared at her.  She could see him swallow hard.

Naivety left her and she knew right then and there the shock and fear on his face was not what she had been hoping for.

“Buzz!!” she heard someone yell.  She sucked in a breath, snapping out of her trance of watching Justin’s shocked face morph into happiness, completely forgetting her and the fact that she was standing there waiting for him to acknowledge her.

The next thing she knew she was being bent over by a barreling hug from her cousin.

“Hey…” she said to Trace, as he kept his arm tight around her neck, bumping hips with her.  “What’s up?” 

She tried to sound as casual as possible, but when she looked around the room, she realized that it wasn’t just Justin and Trace in this place.  Another large man was sitting in a chair, holding his head up with his hand.  He had a badge on just like Lonnie did but it was hanging from a lanyard around his neck.

Two other guys were there, sitting on the floor playing PlayStation.  There were other things in the room as well, pin ball machines, weights, toys.  She remembered the two guys, Lance was one of them and Chris was the other.   She had only met the entire Nsync group a few times, but they were always nice to her.  When she first met Chris she had a little bit of a crush on him, but that was right before her crush for Justin was formed and now she could care less about Chris.

And there was a girl there, too with shoulder length blonde hair.  She was pretty and looked very familiar. 

Justin was sitting right beside her. 

“You guys remember my cousin Katie, right?” Trace said, tugging her head down a little with his arm still hugging onto her neck.  She waved and everyone else waved back and said polite hellos.  They hadn’t introduced her to the girl, yet. 

“So what’s up…”  He pulled away a little and she tried to keep from staring where Justin’s arm was now around the back of the couch behind the girl’s shoulders. “Are you making straight A’s like always?”

She laughed a little and pushed him away, but she felt uneasy and figured she needed to stop paying attention to Justin and whoever this girl was.  She was probably just sitting there.  In fact, Katie thought about walking over and sitting next to him, closer than that girl was sitting.  She felt she had the right.  They had had sex, they were more than just friends now, and in a way it was making her mad that he was just sitting there, ignoring her, making a definite point not to look at her.

He hadn’t even hugged her yet.

“You know my dad is still mad at you,” Katie said to Trace, giving him a stern look.  Trace had dropped out of school, his damn senior year and he dropped out to go on tour with Justin.  They had told him he could hang out, help out, take footage with Joey’s older brother, Steve, who took a lot of video of the tour.  Trace eagerly accepted and Katie’s parents were not happy that their nephew had ditched high school to follow Justin around.

Katie wanted to ditch school for Justin.

“If my dad can get over it, ” Trace laughed.  “Then your dad can get over it.”

“Hey James…”  She heard Justin speak and tried her best to look around casually as she glanced over to where he was sitting.  James was approaching them and sat down on the arm of the chair by Justin.  “…you remember Britney?”  Justin said and James waved at her and said hello.  The girl laughed and said something quietly that just the two of them could hear.  She fell back on the couch, nudging herself under Justin’s arm.  James was laughing, too and Justin was sitting there with a fake shocked look, but he was smiling.

He was happy.

And he was flirting.

Katie chewed on her bottom lip.  She could feel it and as much as she was trying to stop it, she could feel her heart thumping in her chest.  It was starting to crack.

“Did you ever meet her when you came down to visit Orlando?” Trace said quietly.

Katie was trying to figure out who this girl was, but she didn’t know and she didn’t know if she really wanted that information a part of her life.  As long as he was still hers, still her Justin, that’s all that mattered.  But the more she stared at him and this girl, she started to doubt.  She begged and prayed in her mind, please let him still be mine. 

“Um, I don’t think so.”

“That’s Britney Spears.” Trace said.

“Oh …”  She licked her lips.  She knew who that was.  She had heard her song on the radio and knew she was touring with them.  She hadn’t thought anything of it at the time.  But now two months later, and after four awkward, overly casual phone calls, she was paranoid.  “Right.”

“She’s the opening act for them now.”  Katie just nodded and breathed.  That was it.  She was just a friend, a co-worker.  There were no worries.  Right?  Her and Justin had had sex.  He had taken her virginity and it had been wonderful.  She didn’t expect them to immediately be in love.  But she expected something, something more than what had happened.  And she felt she had a right to expect something.

This new girl was just hanging out.

 “And her and Justin are dating.”

There was a pause and all she could hear was her heart beating, thumping, pounding in her ears. 

“What?”  It sounded like a scream in her ears, but she knew she only had the energy to whisper it. 

She could feel it, feel him ripping her heart out and he wasn’t even touching her or looking at her.  Yet she could feel his hand in her chest, pulling it out violently.

“You looked so shocked.”  Trace was laughing and still talking low, “Yeah apparently he’s really liked her since they were down in Orlando together or something, and I don’t know.  He’s had some huge crush on her for years now.  It’s sick.  They’re sick Katie, always all over each other, always.  Makes me gag.”  She gulped down nausea at Trace’s words and the fact that Justin’s hand was now rubbing up and down over her arm.

The hand that had touched her and made her feel good, that had held her after it was over and fell asleep on her stomach…that hand was now touching someone else.

“Really,” she breathed the word out deeply and kept staring, hoping Justin would look at her, hoping he would say something to her, notice her, anything.  But he didn’t, in fact she could tell that he was making a point not to look at her.

And instead of feeling pain or sadness, she started to get angry.  The more she stood there and stared at his fucking stupid ass smile and his god awful dyed hair and the earrings in his ears and how he arrogantly licked his lips and how that hand kept skimming up and down that girl’s arm, the angrier she got.  He was nothing.  He wasn’t her Justin anymore.  He was just a stupid boy and she had been stupid enough to fall for him.

Her crush was nothing, just a fantasy, just her weird hormonal emotions getting the best of her because she missed her best friend.  But he wasn’t her best friend anymore.

He was nothing.

She gritted her teeth and then tried to relax her fists that were hanging by her sides.  She needed to calm down.  If he wanted to ignore her, she’d ignore him back.

But that was easier to think than to actually do.  And when Trace patted her shoulder and went to go over to James to talk, she was thankful she was left alone.  She didn’t need anyone noticing her now.  She didn’t need her cousin questioning her about this.  She could feel her face burning.  She looked at James, he wasn’t looking at her either.

She was invisible to everyone and she wanted to go home.

“Katie!”

She jumped at the sound of her name being yelled and immediately turned and saw Justin and James’s cousin coming through the door with her arms straight out.  At first she had been frightened by the sound of her name being yelled, but when she saw Rachel she was suddenly so thankful.  Rachel was two years younger than her but sweet and friendly.  Katie realized that she must have come up to visit today as well.  Rachel would distract her and Rachel wouldn’t ignore her.  

“He-hey Rach…”  Still her voice faltered and she physically and mentally had to force herself to remain calm and to chill her emotions.

“Oh my god…”  Rachel said while they hugged and pulled back with a sly smile and bright eyes.  She said in a whisper, “You’ve met the rest of the guys in the group, right?”

“Yeah,” Katie replied.   She wouldn’t look at him now.  She couldn’t.  She could hear his laughter, hear her laughter and she felt sick.  Hearing them laugh together made the anger and frustration leave her and the heart ache was back immediately.

“Oh my god, girl…” Rachel said and started tugging on her arm.  “JC is outside playing basketball with his shirt off!! Let’s go talk to him.  He’s sooo hot!”

“R-right…”  Katie faked a smile.  She was forced to be there for the next several hours until the show was over and she couldn’t afford to be upset.   James would notice.  And then James would pitch a fit.

She wanted Justin to notice, but it was clear now that wasn’t going to happen.

He hadn’t even told her about Britney, hadn’t even the courage to hug her or wave hello.

She just wanted him to care, but that wasn’t going to happen and she wouldn’t let him know.  She couldn’t let him know how much he broke her heart in those five minutes. 

“Ok,” she said with as much excitement as she could muster and let Rachel pull her out of the room, her hand branding around her wrist.  She turned to wave at James to make sure he saw her leaving.  He was smiling at her and nodded. 

And then she made the mistake of looking at Justin.

His hand was still on Britney, face still towards hers, she was smiling and close to him, leaning against him.

But his eyes were on Katie.  And Katie stared back him, telling him silently how much of an asshole he was in her mind in that moment.  It hurt that he went behind her back and started dating someone else, but it hurt even more that he completely ignored her.  She realized now that the four phone calls were out of obligation, to make himself feel better and not so much of an asshole.  But he didn’t want to talk to her.  He didn’t care anymore.

She wanted to hate him.  She wanted to yell at him.  Yeah, she got her hopes up, but dammit, he raised them for her.  He could have told her he was dating someone, he could have talked to her about what had happened, but he ignored it and ignored her, like it never even happened—like she never fucking existed.

And she wanted to regret that afternoon.  She wanted to cry and beg for it to be taken back.

But she couldn’t, because that afternoon they had slept together—she was in love with that afternoon.  She never wanted that afternoon to change, that time she spent with him.  And as much as she wanted to hate him, she couldn’t.  She couldn’t because she could tell by the look in his eyes that he was scared of her, scared of talking to her.  That made her think that maybe it meant something to him, too.

Or maybe it meant nothing and he didn’t want to hurt her feelings.

She frowned, because she knew that was the more probable answer, but she was in too deep to ever feel hatred towards him, ever.

She pulled the door shut behind her and the soft click of it jolted her for a moment and she froze. 

He had fucked her and left her.

It was settling in now.  She didn’t know what was going on.  Maybe he wasn’t scared.  Maybe he didn’t care about her feelings.  Maybe he had just been stupid that afternoon.  Maybe he never liked her back, maybe this whole thing was a mistake…all of it, sleeping with him, getting a crush on him, coming out here assuming he’d want to see her.

It was all one huge mistake and Katie immediately felt like crying.  So much for holding her emotions in.

“Oh and Aunt Lynn wants to see you.  I think she took my mom and gramma and grampa for a tour.”

“Ok...”  She didn’t blink just kept looking at the door.

“You ok?”  Rachel asked.

She sucked it up.  For the first time in a series of many, many times she sucked up her emotions and held it in when it came to Justin Timberlake.  At the time this seemed hard, but as it went on it got easier to do, easier to hold her emotions in.

But it was always a struggle to keep those emotions in check buried deep inside of her.

“Yeah….” Katie shook her head and nodded, forcing another smile.  “Yeah let’s go see your hot boyfriend.”

Rachel laughed and hooked her arm in Katie’s and they walked back down the hallway, back past Lonnie who waved at them again.  Katie let Rachel pull her around backstage like an expert.  She got lost in the chaos and the fury of the show and what they were doing, and she silently told herself to stop thinking about Justin.

And the harder she tried, the more she thought about him and his damn hand, those damn fingers running softly up and down over the skin of someone else’s upper arm. 

She hoped the show would go by fast, but it didn’t.  Rachel was there earlier in the day and had entertained her most of the afternoon.  Lynn kept her company as well and soon James showed up again. 

And Justin had reappeared, too.  Britney wasn’t there anymore, but Justin was still ignoring Katie as they all sat down at dinner.  He didn’t look at her, didn’t directly say anything to her.  She felt worse than she did that past summer when he barely acknowledged her.

It wasn’t fair and she stayed close beside James all night. 

At the show, however, she watched Justin the entire time.  Everyone else was singing and dancing along in the front row. 

She just stared. 

He was different on stage and even though she had seen him perform before, now it was different.  The notes he’d sing, the moves he’d make, they all seemed somehow…sexual. It made her feel weird and insecure.  It all was too, too much for her.

James asked her if she wanted to hang out after the show.  She said she was tired and wanted to go home, that her parents didn’t want her out too late.  That was a lie, they had told her to come home whenever, that they were happy she was going to see Justin and Lynn and everyone.  But she couldn’t take it anymore, she needed to be back home by herself, away from this crazy place and Justin and his blatant display of avoidance.

They all crowded into a dressing room after the show and Katie stayed plastered to the wall by the door as James hugged his mother and Paul and Justin.  Lynn kissed Katie’s cheek and Trace gave her a hug as well.  Everyone was smiling even though they were saying goodbye to Justin and his mother.

Katie just stood there. 

The crowd started to break up after what seemed like an eternity and James came over to her and said, “Ok, sorry we can go now.  You get to say goodbye to everyone?”

“Yeah…” Katie nodded and thought about just leaving.  But something tugged her back.  She needed him to see it.  She needed him to hear how upset she was.  She couldn’t hide this from him.  It was unfair and he knew it.  So she cleared her throat, stared at the back of his head as he talked to Paul and she said in a loud, clear, harsh voice.  “Well, I guess bye Justin.” 

She immediately turned to leave.

Part of her wanted him to come after her when she walked out.  She quickly fantasized about him running after her, grabbing her arm, looking at her with those eyes and saying in that soft voice he always used with her, “I’m sorry Kate.” And when a hand grabbed hers from where she was walking down the hall her heart jumped and she thought it was him.  Her throat closed in excitement and she whipped around eagerly. 

But when she turned it was just James looking at her with concern.

“Hey, slow down speed demon.  What’s going on?”

“Nothing, can we please leave?”  He chewed on his lip, narrowed his eyes at her and nodded.  He knew something was going on, but she couldn’t tell him right there with everyone in the next room. 

The car ride back was silent for most of the drive. 

Until James pulled off the highway.  She couldn’t handle it anymore.  She couldn’t take it.  He was being too silent, and she could tell that he was holding something back from her.  And she needed to talk to someone about this, even if it was awkward and even if the last thing she wanted to admit to James was that she had let his brother fuck her.

That’s how she felt. Completely fucked.

And she knew that it was her own fault for falling for him, for getting those feelings and acting out on them.  She never should have told him she wanted it to be him.  She never should have let him kiss her.  But she didn’t know what else to do.  She had wanted him so bad.  Now she felt naïve and stupid, because despite it all she still wanted him.

“So…” she drug out. “I didn’t know he had a girlfriend.  He hadn’t said anything to me on the phone.”

“Yeah,”  James said, softly.  “He said they started dating a month ago.”

Katie scoffed and turned her head to look out the window. “Well no one told me.”

“Oh…”  It was all he said and she knew right then how pathetic she had been.  She could tell what that “oh” meant. James had kept it from her, and if James had kept it from her it meant that either he knew she liked Justin or that Justin had asked him to keep it under wraps.  And if Justin has asked him to not tell Katie about Britney, she knew that James would be curious as to why.  He wasn’t dumb.

James knew her feelings, she had never said a word, and maybe Justin hadn’t said anything about this summer to James, but James knew.  She wondered if it was obvious, if everyone knew.

She felt like a fool.

“I guess, I just…” She said after a while, “I guess I shouldn’t have expected anyone to tell me about Justin’s life.  I mean, I guess were not that close anymore.”

“You ok?”  James breathed out heavily. 

“I just…”  The more she thought about it, the more that anger she had first felt started to come back.  How could he do this to her?  How could he be so sneaky and dishonest to her?  That wasn’t the Justin she knew.   He had changed and, for a while, she thought she liked the changed, she liked the slight arrogance and the worldliness of Justin.  He could show her stuff and teach her stuff.  But now, now she realized he had let it all go to his head and he was an asshole.

She smacked her hand down on her thigh and turned back to look at James.  “I don’t know why he’s dating her, ya know?” 

“Katherine…”  He sighed and looked into his blind spot before moving into the right hand land. 

“Cause, I know…”  There was no stopping her.  She bit her lip and it started to overwhelm her.  All of it.  The fact that he had had sex with her and promised her they would keep in touch and looked at her and fucking kissed her like she meant something to him, and then turned around and went away and started dating someone new—that killed her inside.  And what killed her the most was that it was all kept from her like some huge secret.  Like she was too fragile to handle it.

She felt too fragile now.

But she didn’t feel that way because he was dating someone else or because they had had sex and nothing had come of it.  She felt breakable because he had completely ignored her.  He completely didn’t care anymore.

It was worse than him being in love with someone else.  It was worse than him using her.

He didn’t even care anymore.  She wanted to puke.

“I probably shouldn’t say anything, but, but the day before he left this summer…”  She sucked in a breath and could feel the car slowing down.  She choked back a few tears and covered her mouth with her hand, looking out into the darkness outside of the car.  “I mean, we kind of…”

“I know, Katie.” 

It was all he said, and when she looked over at him she realized he had pulled off the side of the road and was putting his Jeep in park.  His jaw was clenched.  After a moment he turned to her and shrugged, “He called and told me the day after he left.”

It wasn’t shocking to her because they were brothers and they were close.  But James hadn’t seemed or acted different around her since then.  He had been the same James to her even though he had known that her and Justin had slept together. But she wondered, she had to wonder if he thought less of her. 

She was starting to feel less of herself.

She stared at him and kept her hand over her mouth as two fat tears slipped from her eyes.  ”Do you think I’m a slut?” she mumbled through her hand.

“No Katie, god no.  I don’t think that…”  He paused and searched for the right words to say.  She could tell he was struggling with it and it made her feel worse.  She could tell James knew what she felt for Justin, and James knew that sleeping with him was a mistake.

She could look at him and see it in his eyes.  ‘You shouldn’t have done this, Katherine…’ they said to her.

“I mean he likes you.  He does care about you Katie.  You’ve been friends for a long, long time but…”  He shrugged and shook his head.  “It’s weird.  He’s in a different world than we are.  It’s too hard for him and you to try to have a long distance relationship.  And he’s really not the same Justin we used to know.  It’s not a bad thing, he’s just different now.”

But James was wrong.  Because that afternoon they had slept together he had shown her that he hadn’t changed.  And that’s what hurt the most.  She knew Justin was the same boy she grew up with, but he was pushing that away.  He was pushing her away for this other life.

And it hurt.

“I shouldn’t have ever done it,” she said, immediately covering her face and crying hard.  It was too late, all her emotion flew out of her, all the anxiety and questions over the past two months fell out of her into her hands.

“Please Katie, this is your senior year.  Don’t get upset about this.”  She felt his hand on her back and she shook with her sobs.

“I’m so stupid James,” she said, wiping her eyes with the backs of her hands.  She sat up and slouched in the chair, looking up at the top of the car, tears still falling.

“No, you’re not,” he said defensively.  She could always count on James to pull her up and be her rock and protect her.  But she didn’t want protection, she just wanted her best friend back.   Maybe they hadn’t been best friends for years, maybe she had been kidding herself ever since he left.  Maybe James was right.  Maybe he wasn’t the same anymore. Maybe he hadn’t been the same for a long time.

And maybe she had changed.

“Just don’t worry about it, ya know?  Let’s live up this last year.”  She sniffed and looked down at her lap.  It was her senior year, and she had no boyfriend and no best friend.  James was dating Lindsay again, Justin was off touring, so was Trace.  Rachel was only a sophomore.  She was going to be alone.

“It’s me and you, ok?  Fuck everyone else, we’re gonna have fun.”  She looked over at James and he was forcing out a smile for her.  She knew he was lying.  She knew he’d date Lindsay and be part of the popular group in school.  He’d play baseball in the spring and be busy all the time.  She’d be alone.

“Promise?” she said weakly, not knowing why she was asking James to keep up a promise when she knew he wouldn’t be able to and she didn’t expect him to.

“Yeah.  Come on, let’s go get a burger.  That food they had there was horrible.”  He made a gagging noise to try to get her laughing and put his car in drive and pulled back onto the road.  He started to ramble and turned the radio up and started singing along.

She knew he was trying to take her mind off all of it and she was thankful for his effort, even though it didn’t work.

Sitting there in the car with him she couldn’t help get the words ‘this is your senior year’ out of her mind.  It was going to be horrible, even if James promised to have fun with her anyway.  She sat there dreading it all, just knowing how horrible it would all be.

The next few weeks were hard for her, very hard for her.  But despite her thoughts, James kept it promise.  James always kept his promises when it came to Katie and because of that she soon stopped asking him to promise.  It was unfair to him because she knew he would do it anyway. 

In actuality, she allowed herself to get lost in her senior year and ended up having a lot of fun.  For the most part Justin Timberlake was forgotten.

But it was still hard.

There would be nights lying in bed and he wouldn’t leave her alone.  She’d lay there anxious and unable to sleep and she’d think about him and dream about him.  She’d turn over and stare at the phone on her nightstand, wishing he’d call, wishing she had the guts to call him.  But she never did.

He came back for Christmas and everything was forgotten.  All of it, even fucking thing.  He hugged her, hung out with her, but they never were alone, he made sure of that and she was silently thankful. 

When he left to tour again after the turn of the year it was hard.  But she bottled it up, pushed it down and closed it off.  She didn’t need Justin to hang out with and be her friend.  James was always there and always would be there for her and she loved him for that.  Things had changed.  James was her best friend now.

Justin was just a crush.  And unfortunately for Katie, that would never change.