November, 1999

He didn’t really know why she was there.  She hated skiing, could barely do it, maybe even never had done it.  Everyone else had moved on up to snowboards and had their gear.  Everyone else loved being on the slopes.  She knew nothing and had nothing and therefore resorted to borrowing and renting gear from the shop, looking sheepish and out of place while doing so.

Of course he liked having her there, it was always great to hang out and spend time with Katie.  They had been apart lately, more so than normal.  She was busy taking classes in Memphis and making new friends, and he was…alone.

He handled it fine, he liked being alone most of the time. It gave him opportunity to play his guitar and work hard to save up money so he could buy a house. Things had been stressful in his family for almost a month, flights back and forth between Orlando and Memphis, talking with lawyers, little sleep, much confusion.

It was very clear to them now that Lou Pearlman was a fucking sick asshole and it just sucked that it took them so long to figure it out.  He always had a bad feeling about the guy, but no one ever asked his opinion and he wasn’t about to start an argument.

But no matter what was going on at the time, it still didn’t make since as to why his damn brother invited Katie out to Colorado during her Thanksgiving break; especially when he was technically still dating someone.

It was supposed to be something just for them and Trace, a lodge out in some small ski village in the Rockies, smuggling a couple cases of beer, lots of skiing and maybe a few hot snowboarding girls.   But then Rachel got invited, being the skiing guru of the group.  No one minded, Rachel could roll with the guys better than anyone. 

But then Justin claimed Rachel didn’t want to be the only girl.  Right.  Sure.

Despite the fact that Rachel had had always fit along nicely with guys, had even said it herself that she preferred hanging out with the boys than being around gossipy, stupid girls, Justin invited the one girl in their group of friends who had the least experience skiing, or being around snow, or mountains.    

James knew that Justin’s excuses to bring Katie out were running thin.  He couldn’t just admit that he wanted to see her, he wanted a back up, and he wanted someone to make him feel better because he and Britney were fighting, or broken up, or something.

It wasn’t fair. 

It just wasn’t fair to anyone.  Katie fit in fine with this group.  She and Rachel were good friends and Trace was her cousin, but this was skiing.  Katie didn’t know how to ski and James wanted to hit the slopes and push himself to the limit just like everyone else.  He wanted to attempt snowboarding, but he couldn’t leave her at the lodge by herself.

And he wasn’t about to let one of those jerk ski instructors take advantage of her.

He was confused by her being there, not just because Justin invited her out of the blue, or because she didn’t have the slightest idea how to ski, but because the last time he had talked to her she had mentioned that she was dating someone.  He didn’t know if it was serious but it seemed strange to James that she would all of a sudden drop all her plans and head out with them to ski, when she was dating someone. Sure they were all good friends and close, but James had a feeling that friendship wasn’t the reason Justin brought her with them.

It made him nervous.

When she arrived the night before, he had been the one to pick her up from the airport and he had been the one to tell her he’d promise to help teach her how to ski.  And when she responded, “No it’s ok, James.  I know how much you love it.  Just go have fun, Justin promised to teach me, anyway,” he knew that this would be a horrible weekend.

They had had a good senior year.  He had promised her that and had gone through with it.  He took her to prom and they had a blast.  They graduated together with both their families fussing over them and demanding a thousand pictures of them together.  The summer had been fun as well, getting drunk down by the river and the creeks with their buddies, hanging out with a core group of friends that seemed to be stronger that last summer together.  Katie even started hanging out and being friends with some of the girls and Rachel starting hanging out more even though she hadn’t finished school yet.  Katie went on a few dates with Blake, a guy in their graduating glass.  James liked him, he was funny as hell, but a nerd, such a nerd.

Justin was off touring and no one seemed to care about him.  James could be himself and Katie had no distractions.  It was great.

It had been a hard fall for him. Lindsay had gotten a scholarship to UT in Knoxville and after hooking up graduation night and spending every moment of summer together, they inevitably broke up when she left.  James hadn’t applied to college.  It wasn’t that he didn’t think he’d get in, he just didn’t want to go.  He stayed at home, lived at the house with Paul and his Mom who was back permanently and had left Justin to be by himself on the road, and James got a job working construction for one of his dad’s buddies in town.

He was looking forward to this weekend, to hanging out with his brother, no girls in the way, no girlfriends, just them, and of course Trace and Rachel, but it was all family, no bull shit.

Now, with Katie there, invited personally by Justin and now ignored by Justin, James was going to have to deal with it all, just like he did after his brother had fucked her.  As soon as Katie stepped foot in the cabin the night before, Justin decided to be an asshole to everyone: cocky, snobby, and self-important.  Still, his all around mood didn’t excuse him from being an ass to Katie. 

James couldn’t look at her after that, he couldn’t see her heart broken.  Her voice and her excited tone didn’t give any inkling that she was let down.  And when he happened to glance at her, her smile was still as bright as ever. 

But he knew better.

When they had woken up that morning, they all got ready to go to the slopes.  Justin was annoyed about having to wait for Katie to rent her gear and soon they all decided they’d meet up later.  Trace, Rachel and Justin disappeared and James was the only one left to stay with her. 

It took a while to get her gear going and to teach her to stand up and walk towards the ski lift in her skis.  She stumbled and slipped and laughed and laughed.  But an hour or so into skiing she wasn’t laughing anymore.  After trying to teach her the best he could without getting frustrated, James could tell through all her ski gear, even through her mask and hat that she was upset and tired and wanted to go home.  Being back in Millington with his grandparents and his mom and Paul seemed like a great idea in that moment.

She didn’t want to be there anymore, and suddenly, neither did he.

“I can’t find my ski,” she said, pouting and hitting the packed snow with her gloved hand.

“It slid over there,” James called out to her and pointed closer to one of the mounds of snow near the edge of the slope where the trees were.  He decided since she was sitting in the direct middle of the slope and probably still trying to catch her breath from falling as hard as she did, he’d get her ski for her.  It was cold out, colder than it was that morning when the sun was shining.  There was overcast now and it had started to flurry.

 He slid over to her lost ski that was flipped up on its side, and balanced himself to bend down and pick it up.  He turned and began to make his way back over to her, shuffling with her ski and one of his poles in one hand and using the other pole to push himself back over to her.  She was trying to stand herself up and had already knocked off the other ski, pushing herself up straight in her heavy ski boots. 

Before James could reach her, shooting down the slope behind her was someone who apparently hadn’t seen her sitting behind the small ski jumps at the bottom of the hill.  The were bounding down like a ski pro and when they finally saw her and they tried to ski out of the way and stop by sloshing snow to the side of them.

But it was too late.

James didn’t have time to push her out of the way and just screamed, “Shit Katie, watch out!”

She only had time to glance up before the skier slammed into Katie, knocking her flat on her back.  The skier lost control and had to slam his poles into the packed snow to keep from falling off the slope into the trees.

James was by her side in an instant, bending down and asking eagerly, “Are you ok?”

“Yes,” she huffed, out of breath.  He could tell the wind was knocked out of her.  Still she craned her head up and called out as loud as she could, puffing air, “I’m sorry.  Are you ok, sir?”

The guy was already up, sliding over to them, his ski goggles on top of his head looking at both of them.  He gave her a good look, making sure she wasn’t hurt and then shook his head and said, “I’m fine.  Watch where you’re standing, alright?  It’s not the smartest thing to be standing in the middle of a slope.

They were soon left alone and Katie was still laying there, with James standing over her.  He stood there and looked up the slope, making sure no one else would run into them. 

He felt the wind pick up, burning his cheeks for a moment.    It really was miserable, the whole fucking day was just miserable.

“I hate this,” she said simply after a while.

He sighed and looked down at her. “I know.”

“Dammit James, I’m sorry.  Why don’t you just go take off and join everyone else?  I’ll go back to the lodge and read or something.  Seriously.”

He shook his head and put out his hand to pull her up, “I’m not leaving you by yourself.”

“I’m fine,” she mumbled as she stood up and leaned against his arm. She let him pull her towards the side of the slope. He had knocked off his skis and was trying to balance both his and hers under one arm as she held on to his other arm.  They stomped down the slope to the bottom where the ski lift was. 

She was silent and when she finally sniffed he stared at her, trying to look through her ski goggles to see her eyes.  He couldn’t, but the frown on her face was unmistaken.

“You’re fucking crying and you know it,” he stated miserably.

It was then when she stopped, pulled off her bulky gloves and wiped with tiny fingers against her cheeks and under the goggles. “He just promised me.”

“He promises a lot of bull shit Katie, you should know this by now,” he snapped.

She turned away from him and he sighed, knowing he wasn’t making her feel any better.  Sometimes it just hurt him to know how much faith she put into his brother, how much she wanted to be with him and spend time with him.  At times it made James jealous, not because he wanted to be with Katie in that way, but because he always seemed second best to his brother, at least in her eyes.

He often felt that way with everyone, especially around town, especially now that Nsync was popular.  People always asked him about Justin but never seemed to care about him.  And when they did ask and found out he was living at home, working construction, the disappointment in their voice was always evident. 

But it hurt the most when he felt second best with Katie.   

What he didn’t realize was that Katie had more faith in him than she ever would in Justin.  And it was because James was such a constant, such a pillar, she never had any reason to get her hopes up, or have her hopes crushed, cause he was always there, unmoving and unchanging.  There was no uncertainty, and sadly, no excitement or unexpected possibilities.  She could read James like a book, but Justin was unpredictable.

“Look, I’m sorry.  I shouldn’t be so harsh.”

“It’s ok.  You’re right.  I should just get over it.”  She sounded so weak, so small.  It was like that day in the car all over again.  She was defeated, embarrassed and lost, and he hated it. 

He almost hated his brother.

But he didn’t, he couldn’t. Ever.

He never made excuses for Justin, but no matter what shit he pulled James was always there. for some reason. to pull him out of it and not say a word.  It was starting to get real hard to keep his mouth shut.

He took his goggles off and dropped them to his feet along with the rest of the gear he was carrying.  Then he put his hands on her shoulders and looked at her directly, almost laughing at the pitiful frown on her face behind the huge bug-like goggles.  “Why don’t we go back and I’ll make me and you dinner and we’ll watch a movie.”

“What are you going to make?”  She sounded pitiful, but when she started to smile so did he. 

“What ever you want.”

“It’s too cold to grill, isn’t it?”  She nudged him, and when her teeth shone out behind her lips he knew it was going to be ok.  He might have to spend every day of his trip in the cabin watching movies and TV, he might not get one good day of skiing in, he might never get the chance to snowboard, but it would be ok, because Katie would be happy. 

“I think we’re grilling tomorrow night or something.  How about I make some spaghetti?

“You know how to do that?” She gasped.  She was back, playing around, sweet and funny.  He didn’t understand how stupid his brother could be.  Katie was a cool girl.  He knew there was drama there, he knew they both made a mistake when they had slept together, but Justin was a fool.

Justin was a fool because he had given her up, he had given in and he was missing out on such a great girl and a great friendship.

Sure, they still claimed to be friends and would hang out in a big group together, but it wasn’t the same, it hadn’t been the same for a long time.

“I’ve learned.”  He shrugged and leaned down to pick up the gear and give her her share to carry.  “See while you’re off learning at that fancy school of yours, grandma is teaching me all her secrets.”

She laughed again and said sarcastically, “Right because Southwest Tenn is sooo fancy.”

He shrugged. “At least you’re in college.”

“James…”  She sounded worried.  She always was so worried over him, nagging almost.  He didn’t mind it, but he hated that so often she reminded him of his mother.

“Come on.  Let’s get back to the lodge before I get moody-rudey.”  He knew she would burst out laughing using the terminology she had used on him all the night before on the ride back to the lodge.  And she did.  She fell into a fit of giggles and he couldn’t help but smile at her.

The ski lift back to the main lodge and then the small trek to their cabin took about 45 minutes with all their equipment.  At first he was afraid it would be awkward, her upset and quiet, but soon she was making him laugh, talking ridiculously about the past summer and what she had planned to get her father for Christmas.  It was light talk and he liked it.  It kept his mind off thinking about her and his brother and wondering how the rest of the weekend would pan out.

When they got back to the lodge, they dropped their gear and Katie was soon upstairs changing and showering.  They both seemed to drag through the house, tired even though both of them had barely skied.  He knew Katie would be in pain tomorrow after all her trips and slips today and told her in a very fatherly way to chill out and take a nap and he’d wake her when dinner was ready.

James threw on a t-shirt and some sweats and started to make Katie’s dinner in the absolute silence of the house.  It was later than he realized when he finally looked at the clock, almost 4:30.  He figured he’d make enough for everyone.

Everyone but…

“Damn that was a good set. I was flying down that black diamond.”  James could hear them all barreling through the garage and at first was startled by the loud crash of gear in the garage. He leaned back from the stove and looked through the bar seating to see his brother leading Trace and Rachel into the house. They all had taken off most of their ski gear and were standing there in long sleeve shirts and ski pants.

“Speak for yourself,”  Trace said.

Justin turned in that moment and gave a cocky attitude to his best friend.  James rolled his eyes and looked back at the spaghetti he was making.  “I got skills Ayala.  Don’t be mad at my talent.”

“Fuck off…”

“Both of you…”  He smiled when he heard Rachel smack them both in the shoulder.  A minute later they were all in the kitchen, Rachel perched up on a counter, Trace looking in the fridge and Justin standing against the doorway checking his phone.  James sighed, it wasn’t that he was completely anti-social, but everyone seemed a little high strung today, getting on each others nerves.  He knew who was to blame for most of it, but it didn’t matter.  They had erupted his moment of peace and he decided to remain quiet.  The only one to say hi to him was Rachel, and he just waved at her in response.

Trace pulled out a Sprite, popped the can and said, “I don’t want to stay on the couch again tonight,” before slurping at the opening.

“Well I called my room,” Justin said, still looking at his phone.

“And I got my stuff laid out in mine.”

Trace sighed and told Rachel, “Can’t you and buzz sleep together?”

“My bedroom only has a day bed in it Trace!  She’s your cousin, why don’t yall share a room.”

“What about the twins?” Trace said.  James wanted to glare at Trace.  He didn’t want to share with Justin. Not that it would be bad, he had shared a room with his brother probably more than he’d had one by himself.  He just didn’t want to know what would happen if Justin decided to start being nice to Katie, if things started to go as both of them were hoping.

Of course, if James was in the room maybe nothing would happen.  He shook his head, he shouldn’t be thinking about his brother and Katie together.  It worried him and disgusted him.

“Stick with the pull out Trace,” Justin said, setting his phone down on the counter and plugging it into the charger there.  “We’ll trade off or something, ok?”

James decided to let his presence matter for once and spoke up, “My room has two twin beds, so you can stay with me if you want.”

“Thanks James.  At least someone here isn’t a fucking prima donna. I’m going to shower.”

“Well, this prima donna is going to take a nap.”  James glanced at his cousin and she pushed herself down from where she had been on the counter.  “Wake me up when dinner’s ready.”  He could tell by both their tones they were getting tired of Justin’s attitude, and when Justin came over and stood right by him, looking down at the stove, James was tired of it, too.

“That smells good.  Whatcha cookin'?"

James looked at him for only a moment before looking back down at what he was making, almost guarding it in a protective manner.  "Katie's dinner."

"Um, what about us?" 

James almost laughed at how lost and pathetic his brother looked, "What about you?"  He shook his head.  “I think maybe there is enough for everyone else.  You can make something for your self, though."

His brother paused, stood back and James glanced at him.  He was glaring, confused and angry.  And James didn’t care. 

It was stupid and petty, and James was beyond giving a damn.  Justin had to be punished somehow, he had to know that his attitude and the way he was treating Katie were not how they were raised.  And as much as it annoyed him, if he had to, James would get parental with Justin.  He had done it before.  "What the hell, James?"

James dropped the spoon he was using and stared right back at his brother.  "What the hell, Justin?"

James knew Justin wasn’t stupid, and Justin was quite aware that the whole day Katie and James were off together.  And when Justin rolled his eyes and mumbled a “whatever” and walked out of the room, James knew that Justin knew why he was mad.

James tried not to be too sensitive when it came to Katie, but the past year or so there had been a change in her.  She seemed much more mature suddenly, quieter, distant at times, clinging at others.  And he knew what it all stemmed from.  It stemmed from the same thing that had made him and Katie so much stronger.  He had been there for her when his brother hadn’t, and when that happened things changed. 

James had always known, way before last summer, that Katie had a little crush on Justin, and he figured it would go away.  But Justin had to pick at it like a scab, and picking at it just caused it to bleed more, caused them both to overreact and now there was a scar and now it was awkward and now both of them tried to act like it never happened, causing poor attitudes on all sides.

If Justin personally invited Katie, fine, but it was his responsibility to hang out with her.  James loved being with her, but he also knew that Katie had a soft spot for Justin.  It was just different.  Plus James never let her down and was always right there.  With Justin her hopes were always up, always hoping that he’d prove her wrong and actually give a damn.

And her hopes were always crushed.