Chapter 8

She stared at herself in the mirror and took a breath.  She felt like a moron, like the biggest idiot in the world.  She should have known better by now, and she shouldn’t have expected anything.

It had been only four days ago when she had got the call from him.  She knew he was in town.  He had been back and forth for a while now, but she hadn’t really gotten to see him.  She didn’t want to bother him in such a stressful time. 

But when he called late that night, laughing in the phone yet still sounding very, very down, she felt that maybe she was the answer, maybe after all this time he still remembered that day they slept together.  Hell, she knew he remembered it; she could tell every time since then when they’d hug.  Sometimes he’d linger, sometimes he’d cut it short.  She could tell he felt just as awkward about it as she did.

She tried so hard to forget him and to forget what he meant to her and what she felt for him, and every time she made progress, he’d be back in town and she’d be invited over for a cookout and he’d laugh with her and they’d all sit in a group and have a good time.  And he’d look at her and she’d look back when he wasn’t paying attention to her.  But they were never alone and she never got a chance to ask him, to talk about what happened.

She wasn’t sure if she really wanted to.  It had been more than a year and she should have been over it by then.  She thought that summer with Blake that it was happening, but one night, after fooling around on his couch while his parents were out, they ended up talking, and she ended up telling him about Justin and her.

She ended up crying to him.  He understood and after that they were just friends.  It all crashed back into her and she felt distant and stayed up late at night contemplating calling Justin and telling him everything she was feeling.  But she knew he’d be on stage, or with Britney and it would blow up in her face.  It was awkward between her and Blake after that night and he was a little distant those last two weeks before he left for Vanderbilt,  Even though he smiled at her and talked with her when they were together after that, she could tell that he had feelings for her and that she had hurt him deeply.

She hated that.  And now she wondered if she was doing the same thing to Lucas, being here instead of back home.

She was doing ok.  She had made some friends in her classes that fall and then met Lucas.  He was awesome.  He always wanted to have a good time.  He’d take her on silly dates, bowling and mini golf.  He always made her laugh.  He was from some small town in upper Mississippi and had gone home for Thanksgiving, but they had planned to hang out the weekend afterward.  It wasn’t serious but it was getting there, and part of her believed it could go that far—that dating could turn into an actual relationship. She had even been debating whether or not she wanted to sleep with him.

She wanted to sleep with him.  He was attractive and when they’d make out she’d leave him hungry and desirous and go to bed restless.  Plus, sleeping with him would make her have some one else to share that bond with, someone other than Justin.

She was looking forward to this weekend, to being with Lucas.  She wasn’t even thinking about the Timberlakes.

But then he had called; his voice low, quiet, somber at times, but chuckling in that deep tone that he had started to use more.  He spoke as if she were the only person in the world.  Even though they were just chatting about what she was doing for Thanksgiving and how she liked her business classes, it seemed so intimate.

And then he had said, “You need to come skiing with me this weekend.  We’re going to this resort in Colorado and it’s gonna be awesome and I need my Kate there to make me smile so I can have a good time.”

“I’ve never skied.”  She had laughed, trying not to giggle at the sound of “my Kate” in his voice.

“So? I’ll teach you.  I promise.  I’ll even buy you a plane ticket and everything.”

She missed him, not just as his friend, but as more, and even though it was just one day, she wanted to bring that day back.  It was hopeful and stupid and she knew she was letting herself get wrapped up in something she had no control over.

But she wasn’t sure she wanted to be in control.

As soon as see saw that it was James picking her up at the airport and not Justin, she knew that it was a mistake.

When he had called several nights before, and when he had said that him and Britney had broken up, and that all this shit with his label was fucking with his head and that the only person he wanted to hang out in the world right then was her, it had made her feel special.  He said she would make it better, make him forget about it.

He didn’t say how or why and Katie didn’t ask.  Over the phone he seemed to only talk about friendship, but in his voice she read more.

And now that she was there she realized it was a colossal mistake.  He had gotten down one night, called her, invited her.  She had said ‘yes’ and the next day he regretted it, but he couldn’t take it back.

It was written all over his face. 

He didn’t want her there.  And now she didn’t want to be there.

Her stomach grumbled.  The time she spent with James that day was even longer than it seemed.  They had skipped lunch and she was starving. 

She sighed and grabbed her pj pants before stepping into them and pulling them up over her legs.  She almost laughed at herself, she had shaved in the shower: pointless.  Absolutely pointless.

Her hair was still damp and she pulled it back behind her head and walked out into her room, staring at the crumple bed sheets that she wallowed in for the past hour, trying to sleep, trying to calm her mind.

It didn’t work and her body and mind were upset about it, tired and annoyed.

She shuffled out of her room, passed Rachel’s doorway that was shut, and then looked behind her at the end of the hall to see that Justin’s door was cracked open and the light was on in his room.  She hoped Justin wasn’t down stairs.  She hoped she could just ignore him all weekend.  Maybe Rachel would want to go out and do something different.  She needed to get out of there.  She had a few more days of it and she hoped she could stand it.

As she padded down the steps the smell of spaghetti sauce filled her nostrils and she had to hold herself back from running to the stove.  The kitchen was empty, but she could hear a TV going on in James’ bedroom downstairs, and she could hear the quiet whistle of showers running all throughout the house.  She went ahead and made herself a huge bowl of pasta and tasted it before she got herself some water to drink.

She smiled.  James was right, he had been hanging out with his grandmother.

The pasta was good and warm, and she sat on the couch in the den and flipped through the channels while she ate the steaming meal.

When she was half way through with her bowl, she heard someone running lightly down the steps and pass behind her on the couch to the kitchen.  She didn’t look at first, she knew those footsteps were too heavy to be Rachel’s, and when she finished swallowing the noodles on her fork she could smell it.

She could smell him, clean and fresh and purely Justin.

Her eyes moved cautiously to the kitchen.  She could see him there rummaging through the cabinets in a soft tee shirt and blue flannel pants, his curls were wet on the top of his head.

“Dammit,” she heard him say as she watched him standing over the stove.  He turned and looked over his shoulder, and she turned back to the TV quickly, almost pulling her neck as she did.  She tried to eat, ignore him like he didn’t exist, and keep her mind off him.  But it was so hard. 

She kept flipping the channels and slurping down pasta, and finally the only thing that seemed to keep her interest enough, but let her still have her senses tuned to the kitchen, was a local news program.

Cabinets were opened and shut loudly and before she had time to think, to get up, put her bowl in the sink and hide back upstairs in her room, he was sitting on the opposite end of the couch with her, putting his socked feet up on the coffee table near her glass of water.  She glanced at him and he was chomping down on a peanut butter sandwich.

She didn’t say a word.

And neither did he.

He burped loudly, and when he reached in front of them and grabbed her glass of water and chugged a bit of it, she turned and stared at him straight on.  Maybe this was James, maybe they had switched suddenly.  But she knew that wasn’t true, Justin’s hair was curlier than James and had blonde color in it.  And Justin didn’t have a bit of a beard like James.  And…and she just knew when it was Justin.  She could tell by their voices, by their presence, she didn’t have to see them to distinguish him.

He took another bite from his sandwich before grabbing the remote from her side and flipping it to ESPN. 

There was a pause, then he sat the remote on the arm of the couch beside him.  It annoyed Katie, as if he didn’t think she was grown enough to make decisions about what channel to watch.

She held in the annoyed sigh she felt bubbling up in her mouth and thought about standing up and leaving. She even pushed her hand into the cushion to get off the couch.

But then he spoke.

"Why didn’t you ski with us today?  What did you and James do?"  He moved the remote back in between them, as if it was some peace baton. 

 Katie was baffled and shook her head, but she relaxed into the back of the couch and brought her feet up under her and crossed her arms.  She felt cold all of a sudden and grabbed the remote and defiantly turned the channel back to what it was. "Sometimes I worry about your mental state."

“What? Seriously…” he mumbled before swallowing the lump in his mouth.  “I told you I’d teach you how to ski.”

“Justin…”  She shook her head and rolled her eyes.  This was the annoying side of him that she hated, and this wasn’t something new that had happened since they had slept together.  No matter what it was, if Justin knew he did something wrong, he’d play dumb and pretend that it was, of course, your fault for the entire situation.  He had done this since he was a child.  And right then, even though they had fucked and even though Katie’s mind was fucked with all things that dealt with her relationship with Justin, she still knew how to handle him when he got ridiculous.  She had been doing it for years.

She knew how to put him in his place and call him out.

 “We got there and Trace and Rachel started preaching about going down some double diamond shit and were so eager they didn’t want me to wait to get my rental stuff.  You completely ignored me.  You’ve ignored me since I got here.  You didn’t even hug me last night when I came in, just grunted a damn hello.  That’s all you’ve said to me.  Rachel and James were the one’s to help me get my gear this morning, and then you pulled Rachel away.   James was the one to help me out today and hang out with me.  You were off doing your own thing.”  She glared at him and added, “Like normal.”

“I’m sorry, “ he replied defensively, finishing off his sandwich.  “I just wanted to go ski without any distractions.”

“Distractions!”  She stared right at him, hating how her tone of voice immediately made his face fall and his eyes widen.  She hated how he could make her give in so easily with just one pathetic look.  “Sorry! I didn’t know I was such a nuisance.  Why did you invite me out here anyway?"

But she could tell he wasn’t trying or attempting to persuade her in any way.  It was obvious.  He was nervous.  His face was pink with embarrassment and he stuttered when he said quietly, “I-I don’t know."

She could see right through him: he really didn’t know why he had invited her.  And the more she stared at him and watched him stutter over his words, the more she started to feel it deep in her stomach, bubbling up. “I…well I, I just thought…”

He trailed off, mumbling incoherence, and she knew then exactly why she was invited out there.

He wanted that day back as well.

The room seemed suddenly so quiet, even though the TV was on a normal tone and showers were still running and noise was all throughout the house.  She felt like anyone could hear and anyone could see.

But she couldn’t help herself and had to mention it.  She had to, it had been long enough.  She needed to know if she was right, if the reason she was there was so Justin and her could hook up again.

"I thought that was a one time thing," she whispered and immediately felt her face flush and her fingers felt tingly.

As soon as he pressed his palms in the couch and slid closer to her, she knew exactly what was happening, exactly why she was there. 

She kept thinking, I should be enraged, I should slap him, I should feel like a slut.

But she didn’t.  She felt wanted and thought maybe, maybe this time they would both be more mature and wouldn’t run away from it.

 He was chewing on his bottom lip, and his eyes were staring right at her face.  “We never have really talked about that afternoon."

Despite all the feelings that were running through her, nervousness was the prime emotion, and she felt she would shake if he got any closer to her. He seemed to just get closer.  Maybe there was a reason they hadn’t talked about that afternoon yet, maybe she couldn’t handle it.  Maybe she never would be able to.

Maybe he was just upset over his breakup with Britney.  Maybe he didn’t care about her.

But despite her crush and her feelings, no one could deny the way he was looking at her in that moment.  He cared.

He more than cared and that’s what made it so hard.  If he was just an asshole she wouldn’t want him there, she would push him away.  She was a strong girl and wasn’t going to let some guy just use her.

Justin wasn’t using her.  She wanted it, too.  She always wanted it with him.

She breathed heavily through her nose and said, "There's nothing to say.  We drank Things happened.  It was nothing."

As a final defense, she closed her self off and lied to both herself and him.  And he knew it.  He was angry now and his voice showed it, "Nothing, huh?"

"Nothing."  She opened her eyes and stared right at the TV that was giving the local forecast.  Snow, snow and more snow.  This couldn’t be happening.  She couldn’t get stuck up there with him.  She needed to leave.  She needed a flight back home.  Now.

There was only a pause before she could feel him so close to her that she almost moaned out loud.  His words were soft, but harsh and forceful, letting her know how serious he was, "So if I kissed you right now, it would be nothing?"

She was shocked by his words but somehow not.  She could hear it and feel it by the warmness of his body: they both were just aching to give in.  It hurt.  It physically ached inside of her.  She had never felt this, she loved it and hated it, and stammered as she replied, "Y-y-yea.  Nothing."

But when she turned and looked right at him, so close to her, staring right at her, she never wanted to leave.  She prayed a blizzard would come and they would be frozen right there staring at each other.  No place else was good enough for her but right then in that moment.  How could he do this to her, how could they be so close and such good friends and it not be enough?  It was just never enough.

"If it was nothing, then why are you breathing hard Katherine?”  She gulped and found herself staring at his mouth as his tongue licked his lips quickly.  His eyes narrowed at her, accusing and concerned.  “Why won’t you call me anymore, or talk to me?”  He shook his head and said softly, “I mean yeah, we’ll have the normal chat abut how things are going but we never talk, never really talk.  We never talk about the fact that you weren’t drunk at all and we both wanted it.  We’ve never talked about what happened and I think we should.”  He paused for only a moment, his eyes searching all over her face before asking, “And why are you blushing?"

She almost got mad at him.  He damn well knew why she was blushing.  She wanted him again, and she didn’t want to talk about it, and she was mad because he had left her stranded that first time, left her for some other girl, and she was afraid he’d do it again.  She was afraid he’d leave her just like before, because she knew now she would give in.  She knew whatever was going to happen she was going to give in.

"Say something." 

"We aren’t alone this time,” she whispered and then gasped slightly and stared at his eyes that started to focus straight on her. 

She said it.

She fucking said it.  She said "this time."  It was going to happen again, and the part of her that was so afraid and anxious about him sitting beside her was gone completely and only excitement was left: pure, intense, amorous excitement.

He was smiling now, that cocky, boyish smile that she wanted to suck up in a straw and savor forever.  "It’s only a kiss, Kate."

She bowed her head and smiled a very small smile.  "It was only supposed to be a kiss last time."

He whispered, "Shit, you regret it."

Her head jerked up so fast they almost knocked each other.  She forcefully looked at him and said quickly, "No...no!"

They stopped.

And they both stared at each other.

He started to smile.

And so did she.

He licked his lips again, shook his head and breathed out her name, “Kate…”

A door slammed and they seemed to jump apart.  They both looked towards James’ bedroom and saw Trace barreling through, clicking his tongue against his teeth mindlessly and bopping Katie on the head with his palm as he past behind the couch to the kitchen. 

"Whateryall watchin’?" Trace called from the kitchen. 

Katie didn’t know how to respond and when Justin’s lips pressed against her cheek and ear for a minute and he whispered, “Meet me upstairs in 10 minutes," she couldn’t remember how to talk.

He was gone.  With a squeeze of her elbow he left her, and she watched him quietly trot up the stairs and disappear.  He would now be waiting on her, and she had to find an excuse to leave.

“Huh?” Trace called out, and she jumped at his voice and turned to see him, fixing a bowl of spaghetti for himself and glancing at her from over his shoulder.

“Oh um…”  She floundered for a moment until she regained the ability to think and quickly said, “Just flipping through.  Ended up on the weather report.”

“Turn it to a movie or something.”

She nodded and worked to see what was playing on HBO, if anything worth while.  The cabin had satellite TV and she was having a hard time figuring out the remote, but it gave her time to stall.  It helped her fill out the ten minutes she had to wait, even though her hands were shaking and she couldn’t smack the stupid grin off her face for anything.

“Hey, how was supper?”

“Oh…”  She jumped and looked to her left to see James leaning over the couch, smiling at her gently.  “Hi, um good.”

“Good.”  His smile was bright, and he turned and passed Trace into the kitchen as Trace came out and took position in the recliner to eat his meal.  He was only there for a minute before he reached out and with a mouth full of noodles and motioned for the remote. 

She leaned across and gave it to him.  Soon James was sitting where Justin had been before, munching on his dinner as well.

She was surrounded, and she wanted to make sure she could bolt out of there unnoticed.

She faked yawned and looked around.  She then stretched.

Neither of them looked at her or took notice, engrossed in their dinner and the beginning of The Matrix, and when she stood up, stretched again and mumbled, “I think I’m going on up,” she only got a nod from James.

She was half way up the steps, beaming, when she almost smacked straight into Rachel.

“Hey…”  Rachel laughed and braced Katie’s shoulders for a second before saying, “You going to bed already?”

“Yeah, I’m just beat,” Katie lied, trying to hide her smile.

“Alright…”  Rachel passed her but then called out again, making Katie’s heartbeat thump deep in her chest.  She could hear it in her ears, and she wondered if Rachel could hear it as well.  “Hey!  Sorry we all disappeared today.”

“It’s ok, Rach.”

“Maybe one of these days we’ll leave the boys at home and go check out the downtown.  I’m sure there’s some hot ski instructors somewhere around here.”

Katie nodded eagerly and said, “Sure.”

“Cool.”  She hoped she got past Rachel without too much notice, but the look she got from the girl was cautious and curious, and Katie just prayed that Rachel wouldn’t ask the guys what was up with her.  They’d start thinking…they might come looking for her.

She walked upstairs, and Justin’s bedroom door was cracked only an inch open.  It was dark inside and for a moment she wondered if he was in there.

Then she heard him clear his throat.

She stood there in her pajamas and thought about it, thought that the smart thing to do, the lady like thing to do would be to say to him she was tired or that it wasn’t the right thing and just go to her room, lock the door and try to sleep.

But curiosity was a damn thing, and she couldn’t help herself.  She could never help herself when it came to him, even when they were kids.  He’d get her in the most tremendous amount of trouble, and she loved it, ‘cause she always had fun and he seemed to only want to do those naughty childish things with her.

And now as adults it was the same, but different.

So different.

She was at the door, knocking almost inaudibly.  He didn’t answer and she didn’t expect him to.  There was no backing down and she sure as hell didn’t want to.  She pushed the door open, stepped inside and closed it behind her.

It wasn’t until she was there in the dark with him that she looked up.  It was dark, but the opened curtains let in the moonlight through the windows that reflected off the snowy trees outside, and the digital clock’s green numbers filled the room with an eerie glow.

And he was there, staring at her, lying on the bed in just his boxers.  His skin glowed in the strange light, his hands were behind his head and one knee was bent upward, his body completely opened to her.

She couldn’t breathe and she didn’t want to.  She just wanted to stand there and stare at him.  She could remember it, every curve and freckle on his body that day, the firmness under his smooth skin.  She just wanted to learn more about it and how it felt and how it worked and what his body could do to her own.

"Are you gonna come over here?" he said in a low, scratchy tone.

She bit her lip and slowly crept forward.  Seeing him like that was like out of a dream or something.  She felt sexy and naughty and completely unsure.  But she didn’t care.

The sheets were already pushed to the foot of the bed and she turned and perched herself on the edge of the mattress and looked down at him.  His hand was on her arm for a moment, than on her back, moving up under her shirt to touch her.

“Justin…” 

His voice was seductive, sweet and perfect, “Lay with me.”

No urge to leave, no sense of doubt came over her.  She eased down beside him and felt him close to her.  His hand rubbed up under her shirt against her stomach and she could sense him smile close to her shoulder. 

Fear slapped her in the face at the feel of his fingers close to her breasts, pressing into her rib cage: fear and that feeling she had last October.  She sputtered out, “Maybe we shouldn’t do this.”

He sat up a little on the bed and his hand fell from her skin.  He stared at her with a lost and worried look, even in the dark she could see it.  “Why not?”

“Because last time…”

He cut her off and touched her cheek, keeping them staring into each others eyes in the dark. “Last time I was a fool.  I got freaked out.  It was too much and too intense and I didn’t know how to handle it, so I was an asshole and pushed you away and got hooked up with another girl that was just a huge mistake.  She doesn’t even…”  His hand dropped, he looked somber and he shook his head.  “Whatever.”

“I’m sorry about that.”

“Don’t be…”  She felt his lips tight against hers in the dark and he pulled away and whispered, “It gave me a second chance to try this out.”

He kissed her again and she felt it flood her all over.  That feeling was back, completely back and she was enraptured in him.  Fear vanished.  She could picture it, his body on her bed, moving over her, whispering, cursing, fucking amazed.  She liked shocking him and amazing him. She wanted to do it again.

He kept kissing her, soft kisses that made her breathless until she felt so needy that she latched onto him, turned on her side and pressed her body into his.  His skin was warm and smooth and she could feel him in his boxers.  She almost giggled.  She had missed feeling that on him, only on him. 

His hands were on her sides, under her shirt, moving up and she wanted him to keep going.  His hands were so smooth and felt so good on her skin, not forceful, but powerful, moving over her body like he knew exactly what to do, exactly for her.

“I’ve missed kissing you,” he whispered after pulling away from a long kiss.  They moved slightly, her back against the mattress, him half on top of her.  She could feel him pressing into her and lifted her leg over his bony hip, keeping them pressed intimately.

“You’re good at it.  I miss…” She groaned, closing her eyes and whispering as he kissed her neck, “It felt so good.”

He pulled back and knew what she meant, looking at her with a question and a smile, “It did?”

She nodded and said, “Yes.  It hurt, but I keep thinking about it and I know it’ll be good, and I know when we do it again it’s gonna be amazing.”  It was true, that first time did hurt.  It was sharp and painful, but she dealt with it and she loved it.

And she wanted more.  She knew behind that pain was so much pleasure he could give her.  Only he could give her.  She hated needing him this much.  She had lied to herself before.  She had told herself she was just mad that he had taken advantage of her, been a friend, then a lover, then nothing.  But she didn’t know how much she needed him, not just him, but his body.  His body was so perfect for hers and molded into every curve, and his curls brushed against her chin and neck as he pushed up the material of her t-shirt and kissed down against her neck.

He groaned, or growled, something, deep within his chest and pushed off her.  He surged up her soft shirt and she complied and helped him get it off of her.  He pressed back down in her and squeezed his arms around her, pressing her naked chest into his own.  She was so glad she had skipped the bra after her shower earlier and reveled in the way he was looking at her and the way they felt pressed together.

He kissed her, but it was different—sweet and somehow loving.  And when he pulled back, he looked right at her and said in a harsh, whispered tone, “Katie, I really am sorry.”

She sighed.  She got it.  She accepted it.  It didn’t change anything that happened, but she knew he wasn’t lying.  He was sorry.  He had made a mistake and would probably make another one.  But she forgave him because he was her Justin.

And she kept forgiving him, time after time.

“You can stop apologizing now.”  She raised her eyebrow at him, and he smirked after a moment then leaned back in, kissing her mouth, and then her neck, moving down and around.  They couldn’t speak a word to each other, only small hushed moans and quiet curses.  It felt so good to be pressed together like that, lightly brushing in areas so intimate, gripping softly, but loving each movement and touch.  Mouths were wild and open against one another and against smooth skin, but it wasn’t rushed.  It was perfect and slow, yet delectably needy.

She worked with him to get them going, to get them naked.  They pushed and pulled at light cotton and wiggled hips and smiled and laughed at each other. And soon, before either of them could go any further, they were laying side by side, together, against each other, naked and aching.

 “Shit,” she whispered when he pulled back from an intense kiss, bringing her lip with him and then smirking at her, as if she was the only person in the world he was attracted to.  It’s how she felt, sexy and so…so attractive.

But then he stopped.

And stared at her once again. 

“I wanna spend the day with you tomorrow, just you,” he whispered.

"I can’t ski."

“I don’t care.” He leaned in, rubbed his nose against hers and said, "I'll teach you.  I promise.  I know I suck a keeping promises, but it’s just me and you tomorrow, ok?"

She believed him.  Even on the phone there was a sense of doubt, but now that was gone.  They would be together tomorrow and the day after that, and it would be great.

“I’ve missed you,” she said into his shoulder, holding him tightly against her body.  She had yet to get naked with a man sense him, fooled around and gotten them off, but she had yet to get naked with them and stuck to bras and panties for herself in those intimate moments.  She had yet to let anyone touch her like Justin did.  It wasn’t that she didn’t want it, but every time Blake tried or even Lucas tried, she started to compare.  There was no comparison.

“What?” he asked.

“I’ve missed you, as a friend and as…”  She paused, smiled and pressed her hips with his, feeling his hot, hard skin press into her lower stomach.  “…this.”

“Shit Kate, I’ve missed you, too.”  A smile played on her lips.  She had missed hearing her name ‘Kate’ come from his lips so sincerely, and for a moment all was lost in a romp. Rubbing and sucking, kissing and touching all over, trying to meld into one another on their sides.  She moaned when his fingers went in between her thighs.  She was soaked and could feel it there, on his fingers and in between.  He pushed in with two and she opened up easy, easier than she thought possible.

She cried out his name in desire, and he immediately covered her mouth with his own for a moment and pulled back, saying softly with a sly grin, “You gotta be quiet."

She reached out for him, her hand trying to grasp onto his dick as his fingers were deep in her.  His hips pulled back from her touch.  Fear ran through her and she desperately looked at his face. “But I…”

“Last time…”  He sucked in a breath and quickly said, “shit” as her hand brushed him.  He pulled his hips back from her before continuing, “Last time was almost a year ago and you didn’t get anything out of it.”

“Yes I did,” she begged and he begged her right back, keeping his fingers deep inside.

“Please.  Let me make you feel good tonight.”  He was still apologizing, but she wasn’t going to force him to get off, to get inside her if he wasn’t ready.  Maybe it was too soon, maybe this was what they needed, just this—her on her back, his fingers inside of her, his palm rotating over her, pressing hard, his mouth against her neck and moving down to her collar.

He grinned before his mouth got to her breasts, and she fell into a fit of giggles and moaned as his lips pressed against her chest sweetly and his fingers jabbed at her powerfully.  “Why you giggling?”

There was no answer, only a hushed breath and an arched back. 

The next few minutes were pure, fantastic torture.  His fingers would work her up and she felt like she would explode, and then it’d stop and he’d slow down and just kiss her mouth, so fucking slow, touching his tongue with hers and rubbing his lips with her own.  She could feel him hard and hot, pressing against her thigh as she spread her legs and moaned, begging for more.  It felt so good to feel him like that, so ready for her.

She loved the way he was making her feel, sexy and wild, needy yet somehow completely in control.  She soon learned to rock her hips with his hand, and when he hissed out “yes Kate” in her ear and sucked on her neck, she knew she was doing something good.  

He was holding her with one arm, his arm and hand behind her head, supporting her and his other was buried in between her, searching her out for an orgasm, begging it to come.  His fingers inside of her explored and pounded, not too hard, but hard enough, rough friction every time, twisting and curving in of her.

Her moans got louder and breathier and she knew it was happening and spread her legs wide and stared at him, pleading with her eyes. 

It had happened before, she had learned how to make herself get there, but this was another level.  This was insane.  This was heaven.

He was coaxing her, whispering things in her ear she didn’t even understand, but she did understand.  Whatever this was between them, even if this was the last time it happened, it had to happen.  There was a connection there they both didn’t quite comprehend. 

It would take years to comprehend it.

And it was so worth it, worth it to be lying with him, her hands fisted into the mattress cover below her, spreading and lifting her hips as his fingers worked her.  She bit her lip and heard him mumble “fuck.” And then she felt it.  She was getting there, her body was sucking up and clenching down on his fingers, and it was better than anything she had ever felt before.

She felt like a wild beast and she liked it—No! She loved it.  He was reawakening that part of her that she only wanted to show him.

She cried out in a breathless whine and worked her self as he worked her.  And soon, soon, far too soon, it was all over.  She was shaking and panting and her heart was beating a million miles, thumping all over her body, in her ears, in her chest, in her stomach, in her legs, in between.  She felt like hot liquid and melted right there into him as he held her.

When his fingers pulled out of her she jerked and curled up to him, trying to catch her breath.

If that was one of the things lurking, if that was the type of pleasure she had missed out on that first time because of the inevitable pain, then she wanted it again and again and again.

And fucking again.

She felt different, but the same.  She felt herself but a different version, a powerful version, a grown up version.  She didn’t just feel sexy anymore—she was sexy, and she smiled against his skin knowing that he just did this to her because she was that sexy to him.

After several moments she finally sighed, pulled back and looked up at his face.  He was staring right at her, so serious, so intense.

And she was all giggly, girly smiles.

“Just…”  She started to say his name, and leaned in to kiss him.

But he cut her off with a heart wrenching tone, “Kate…”  He licked his lips and said almost so soft she didn’t hear, “I’m sorry.”

“What?”  She was confused.  Why was he sorry?  Was…was he sorry for what just happened?

She panicked.  Her heartbeat that had finally calmed down was now thumping, slow but intense and loud, right in her ears.  She couldn’t breathe.

“I’m sorry about today, about my attitude,” he responded and she realized a little of what was going on in his mind now.  Her heartbeat calmed. “I’m sorry about…about when you came and visited me on tour.  I just…”

“It’s ok.”  It was an answer she’d end up using a lot: “it’s ok” to all his mistakes.  And even though right then she believed that it was ok, that she did forgive him, it soon became too easy to say and too hard to believe.  “It’s ok” would turn into a mask for how much she ached and longed and pained for him. 

It ended up being her pure desperation.

“Just know that I wasn’t trying to hurt your feelings.”  He ran his hand down her head, pulling her hair out of her sloppy ponytail that was still damp.  He shook his head.  “Or maybe I was.  Maybe I wanted to push you away so I wouldn’t hurt you anymore than I was going to.  Maybe I just didn’t want to deal with it because it was…”

“Too much,” she answered for him, knowing exactly how he felt.  It was too intense for people like them to feel.  It was something more than they were able to deal with.  Whether it was immaturity or something totally else, they weren’t ready to deal with it the summer before.  But now, they were, at least a little bit.

“I’ve never felt that before, so deep like that,” he whispered, and she smiled and kissed him.  It was deep and deeper, and she touched his chest and moved down.  She wanted to make him feel good, too.  She wanted to see him orgasm again, just like last time on her bed, all strong and tense and spurting.  Gross, but somehow hot and alluring at the same time.   Her hand reached where he was sticking out, still so hard, and she grabbed him and stroked, feeling his heart beat in his dick.

He croaked out a “Stop!” and she paused and stared at him.  He was biting his lip and breathing heavily.  “Let’s go to sleep.  We’ll figure it out tomorrow.”

“But you’re hard,” she said softly.

His heavy breathing turned into a smirk and he smiled at her, “And I’ll calm down.”

“Justin?” She knew in that moment that tonight had been for her and her only.  She felt it fully and fell for him just a bit in that moment as he turned on his back and pulled her into him, trying to breathe even, trying to forget the fact that she was against him naked, that her leg was over his hip and that she was still wet. 

She knew he was hard and she knew, she could just tell by looking at his face in the dark, that he was trying so bad not to be.  He wanted to calm down and he was trying so much to forget how it would feel to sink his hardness down in her soft pinkness.

“Yeah?” he asked breathless.

“I feel good.”  He turned and looked at her, and she smiled. “You made me feel so, so good.” 

It was too late.  He lunged for her, kissed her and neither of them could hold back this time.

It was insane, arms and legs and fingers and mouths all over.  But only for a minute.

They didn’t go too far.  At first Katie was smiling and giggling as he grabbed her ass and pushed himself against her.  She knew she had won that mini-battle.  He was going to fuck her again, or at least let her touch him.  She wanted it again.  It was still there, bubbling back up inside of her, and she wondered if she would ever have enough of him, if she’d ever be satisfied.

But then they heard James run up the stairs, saying something loud and laughing and both of them got nervous.  They huddled together in the bed, staring at the door like they were little kids and the boogie man was going to come in.  They didn’t move until they heard silence again. 

Then they laughed, hard, silent, pressing their faces into the pillow and mattress and each other, over come by how silly they were.

And Katie realized, even if tomorrow he woke up and didn’t want her anymore, it was worth it.  The weirdness, the heart ache, the entire thing between them, whatever it was, was worth it if it meant she got to live in that moment and be beside him laughing, completely and fully with each other and no one else.

It was stupid, but it was worth it.