14 >> Uncomfortable Silence Can Be So Loud
“All I know is, if there’s danger, Rie is not the one to depend on,” Justin was jovially telling the rest of their table. He and Rie had gotten stuck in an elevator a few hours before, and he was still laughing at the whole ordeal. “This girl,” he pointed to her, “hyperventilating and shit. It was bad.”
“It was,” she agreed, smiling shyly. “I seriously felt like the walls were closing in on us.”
“Justin, you didn’t try to calm her down?” his friend, Eytan, laughed.
“That’s the thing, though, I did! But she was so dramatic.” He couldn’t contain his laughter as he explained, “She was freaking out; I think she fainted for a minute.”
“I thought I was gonna faint!” she defended as the rest of the table burst into cackles as well. “You guys don’t understand!”
Nanci, another of Justin’s several friends, who was sitting directly across from Rie, asked her, “You have claustrophobia?”
“A little bit,” Rie whined. “I really thought I was gonna die for a minute, and this fool was laughing at me!”
“I was laughing with you, I swear,” he countered, sobering up.
“Dude, I wasn’t laughing!”
“Yeah, but you wanted to.” He sat back in their corner of the booth, stretching his arm behind her so that it was resting on her shoulder. “Jess, why are you so quiet?” he noted.
Jess, who was seated between Nanci and their friend Huch, looked up from her beer. “Just tired, I guess,” she shrugged. She glanced over to Rie, seeing that she was staring her down, so she tried to switch subjects. “So what are everyone’s New Year’s resolutions?”
There was a short discussion amongst everyone at the table until Justin announced, “Well, I made my resolution a little bit early, and some of it was kind of personal, but I think the biggest lesson I’m learning is that no one is perfect and I need to stop holding people to the unrealistic standards I set for them.”
Rie looked up to her companion, holding onto his hand that was perched just below her shoulder. Nodding, she said, “You definitely need that one.”
Jess discreetly rolled her eyes and decided to proclaim her resolution. “Mine is to stop worrying so much about other people’s needs and to start focusing on my own.”
“Ooh,” Justin chimed in, “yeah, I’ve been telling you to do that one for years now.”
“Well all have,” Huch appended, beginning to clap. “Good for you, Jess.”
The rest of the table joined in with a round of applause as Jess waved them off. “Now let’s see if I actually do it.”
“All right, so who else has one?”
“I do,” Rie piped up, clearing her throat. “Like Justin said, we made ours a little bit early, but one of mine was to let go of my fear of commitment, so… I’m--.”
“Excuse me,” Jessica abruptly rose from the table, cutting off Rie’s sentence. Everyone watched Jess stand up and head out of the vicinity of their table, and then glanced between one another curiously.
“Is she okay?” Eytan asked Justin, figuring he’d be the only one to really know.
“I don’t know,” he frowned.
“You should go talk to her,” Rie encouraged.
He nodded in agreement and shot up from the table as well, following Jessica’s path away from the table. The restaurant seemed to turn an eerie quiet as he made his way towards the front, all eyes on him, yet again. He hesitantly opened the door to the cold January day, where Jess stood just to the left of the entrance, glaring towards the street. “What are you doing?” he questioned her softly.
Her head shot in the direction of his voice and her face relaxed at the sight of him. “I just needed some air.”
“Jess, it’s freezing out here,” he grimaced. “What’s really going on?”
“Why don’t you stop acting like you don’t know, Jus.”
“I assure you, I’m not acting. Why’d you walk out like that?”
“Well I just told you, I needed some air.”
“Okay, you have your air,” he rebutted. “Can we stop with all the antisocial overemotional bullshit and go back inside?” He attempted a chuckle, but she appeared to be set in her frigid state. “Duuuude, come on.”
“Why do you care that I’m out here? Rie is in there; go… deal with her.”
He sighed heavily, clearly frustrated, and stared down at his friend. “Why don’t you like her?”
“I like her just fine.”
“You’re a fucking liar, you know.”
“I’m all right with that,” she nodded.
“I don’t understand this,” he breathed, watching the puffs of warmth mix with the cold air. “I don’t know what you want from me.”
“I want you to go back in there to your girlfriend and your buddies and have a good time and stop worrying about me.”
“So you’re not one of my buddies anymore?” he softened a bit. “You’re breakin’ my heart here, man.”
“I can keep going.”
“Spare me,” he surrendered. “I’m gonna go ahead back inside because it’s cold as shit, but… I hope that whatever it is, you’ll trust me with it sooner than later.”
Jessica stared at him briefly, concentrated on his eyes, wondering what he’d say if he knew her secret. But she knew that she couldn’t afford to find out, so she quickly let the notion float away as she closed her eyes. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Whatever it is you were just thinking,” he began to say, “just…”
“Go back inside, Justin.”
He stubbornly obliged, heading back for the door of Cola’s. But the moment his fingers grazed the handle, he turned back to his friend. “Can I ask you a question?”
She was back to gazing obliviously into the street ahead of them. “What.”
“Remember the day of the wedding, we were up in the room at the Malibu house and you were pinning my rose to my jacket?”
“Yeah?” she looks over to him.
“Well, you said you had something to tell me.”
“Okay?”
“What was it?”
“Why does it matter?” she frowned. “You guys didn’t get married; it doesn’t matter now.”
“Well what was it?”
“I don’t know,” she shrugged. “Nothing important.”
“Jess…”
“It wasn’t!”
“The look on your face said anything but.”
“Trust me,” she finished, still frowning. “It doesn’t matter now.”
He sighed again, and turned back to the door. “Once upon a time, you only lied to me when you thought it was for my own good.”
She watched him disappear before mumbling, “This is.”
>>>>>>>>>>
Hours later, Justin and Rie had returned to their hotel suite, both of them awkwardly avoiding the fact that Jessica was slowly but surely losing her cool, and anything they loved about her was quickly becoming everything they hated about her.
“I am so tired,” Rie yawned, slowly pacing into her and Justin’s bedroom. She smiled at him, sitting comfortably against their pillows, engaged in his BlackBerry. “Whatcha doin’?”
He looked up and shook his head. “I don’t know.”
“What’s wrong?” she noticed. She took a seat in the middle of the large bed, propping her legs over his knees. “And don’t bullshit me.”
“Jess is just acting strange as hell,” he admitted, “and it’s bugging me.”
“You want me to talk to her?”
“No, I think it should stay between me and her,” he declined, “although I do wonder if it has something to do with you.”
“I think it does,” she granted, looking him squarely in the eye. “Well, more you than me, but I’m involved, nonetheless.”
“Me? What did I do?”
“You didn’t do anything,” she smiled comfortingly. “I think she’s just…not used to the fact that there’s a new girl in town.”
“Well, she’s the reason that we met, so…”
“Yeah, and she didn’t think that we would become what we did,” she chuckled softly. “No one did.”
“Yeah,” he agreed, looking down. “But there’s just this… sadness she’s had lately. I mean, I see what you mean, there’s this kind of stern side of her when you’re around, and I get that. But like, for a while now, she’s just been kind of sullen. Even since I’ve been all right with everything.”
Rie nodded understandingly, rubbing his thigh affectionately. She was struggling with whether to let him in on Jessica’s so-called secret; she knew it wasn’t hers to tell, but she hated to see him worry. She exhaled sharply and said, “I’m sure she’ll let you know what’s going on when she’s ready.”
“I doubt it. Jessica’s pride is a bitch.”
“Maybe,” she smirked. “But whatever it is will start eating away at her, if it hasn’t already, and she’ll either spontaneously combust, or ease the pressure before that happens.”
“I hate seeing her like this.”
“I know,” she nodded at him sympathetically. “But I’m sure she hates it more. It’s my experience that the saddest kind of sad is the sad that tries not to be sad, you know? When Sad tries to bite its lip and smile instead of cry and goes, ‘No, she’s great. I’m happy for you.’” Then she began to shake her head. “That’s when it’s really sad.”
“You’re so perceptive,” he chuckled quietly. He began tracing his fingers along Rie’s glowing chocolate skin, wishing she didn’t have to deal with this with him, whatever it was. “I just want her to be happy, you know?”
“Yeah, of course.”
“But… I knew this thing with Ryan wasn’t gonna work out when she would never tell me anything about him. Like, if you’re into someone, you want to talk about them, right?”
“Yeah,” she shrugged offhandedly.
“I mean, that’s a safe assumption, right?” Rie nodded. “I just don’t understand what she’s doing with him,” he went on. “Like, why bother?”
“It hurts less than being alone?”
“I guess so,” he rationed. “I just don’t understand being with someone you’re not completely crazy about, but… what do I know?”
“You know what works for you,” she answered, laying flat on her back, still gazing down at him. “You do long-term because you fall hard. Someone like me, I go home with a guy because it sounds better than sleeping by myself that night.”
“Is that why you slept with my best friend?” he teased.
“Yes,” she smiled honestly. “And to clarify, that’s not why I’m sleeping with you.”
“Good to know.”
“And how many freakin’ best friends do you have?” she laughed. “Everyone you know is your best friend!”
“Not everyone,” he countered. “Just the important people.”
“I think it’s cute, though,” she grinned.
“I just hope I’m not losing one,” he mumbled softly.
“You won’t lose her,” Rie assured him, lightly patting his leg. “Just… tread lightly.”
>>>>>>>>>>
I could use another cigarette
But don’t worry daddy, I’m not addicted yet
One too many drinks tonight and I miss you like you were mine
It’s been seven hours since my tumultuous lunch with Justin and Company, and now I’m sitting in my silent hotel room with my friend, Jose Cuervo. I honestly don’t know why I’m in such a pissy mood “ he hasn’t done anything wrong, nor has Rie. I guess I just wish the circumstances were different. I don’t know what I’d want them to be… or maybe I do and I’m just not willing to admit it, but I feel myself falling into this weird ass funk over a problem I could probably fix if I’d just open my mouth. But is it ever that simple?
As I dwell on this concept for several minutes, there’s a knock at the door. Since I have no appetite, I figure it’s not room service, so I groggily ask, “Who is it?”
“It’s me.” It’s Justin. “Open the door.”
I reluctantly open the door to his frowning face, surprised to see that Rie isn’t in tow. “Whoa, you’re allowed to roam the streets alone?”
“You mind telling me what your problem is?” he demands.
“I don’t have a problem,” I glare. “Why are you here?”
“Oh, so now I can’t be here?”
“You never gave a shit before; why now?”
“What the fuck, Jessica, since when don’t I care about you?” he questions harshly.
“Since…” I sigh heavily and turn from the door to the window of my hotel room. “I don’t know.”
“You’re acting like an idiot,” he retorts. “And you need to tell me what’s up or stop with all this bitchassness.”
“Dude!” I’m already yelling in an immediate aggravation. “That is not a fucking word. You two need to stop acting like it is!”
“Jess! Chill the fuck out,” he scowls. He takes my hand and sits me down on the couch, and then takes a seat across from me at a desk. He leans forward, resting his elbows on his thighs, and stares at me intensely. “What is going on with you?”
“Nothing,” I maintain. “I’m just tired.”
“When you’re tired, you don’t act like a bitch,” he says evenly.
“So now you’re calling me a bitch?”
“No,” he emphasizes, looking down. “I said you were acting like one.”
“Which means that in this moment, you think I’m a bitch.”
“Jess.”
“No, you know what. You can leave,” I say, picking myself up. “I didn’t let you in here just to be lectured.”
“Jessica, sit down,” he commands tersely. “You get to call me out on my shit, I’m calling you out on yours.”
“I think you’ve done enough of that, thanks.”
“Are you seriously still mad about that shit I said back before Christmas?” He laughs as if it was so insignificant. “You’ve gotta be kidding me.”
All your stormy words have barely broken
And you sound like thunder, though you’ve barely spoken
“Why is it so inconceivable that that hurt me, Justin?”
“Because I didn’t mean anything by it! I was just trying to make you realize that you’ve got to stop rationalizing your way through shit, stop worrying about what He and She and I and They think, and just do what you wanna do,” he says passionately. “You know, like maybe if you start pretending to have fun, you might end up having some by accident.”
“But I am having fun,” I retort. “And it’s pissing me off that you keep taking that away by saying that I’m not.”
“Are you really?” he deigns. “Because since the wedding became a reality and then an unreality, and then Rie came into my life, you seemed to have crawled into this weird, depressive hole, and I’ve been fighting with my conscience over whether I’m supposed to ignore it or call you out on it… But now, it seems like you’ve reached an all time low, and I can’t watch you do this anymore, Jess. Talk to me.”
Oh, it looks like rain tonight
And thank god, ‘cause a clear sky just wouldn’t feel right
“I “ I have nothing to say,” I tell him gingerly. My eyes are welling up and I want to let it all out right here and now, but… “Could you please just go?”
“No! Tell me why you’re crying.”
“I’m not.”
“Jessica!”
“I’m not telling you, Justin! Just get out.”
“Fine!” he shouts, popping up from his seat. “Fine.”
I watch somberly as he puts his jacket back on and heads for the door. He doesn’t look at me, doesn’t say anything else, but just walks out of the room in one big whiff of frustration.
He’s taken and leaving
But I keep believing that he’s gonna come round soon
Not more than a minute later, he’s banging on the door again. “Jess. Open the door.”
Wiping the tears that haven’t quite made it to my cheeks, I go to the door and open it to see him standing there. “Why won’t you leave me alone?”
“You wanna put up your walls, fine,” he announces, promenading back into the room. “But you’re my best friend, so I don’t give a shit; I’m breaking them down.”
“Justin, you can’t handle this.”
He grabs my hands again, squeezing them tightly as he tries to look into my eyes. “You can’t tell me what I can handle.”
“All right, then I can’t.” I’m crying now for real. Shit.
“Please,” he beseeches. “What did I do?”
“It’s not you,” I say, avoiding his gaze.
“Then what?”
“It’s…” I sigh, my eyes still watering when they finally land on his cobalt orbs. “It’s about… this problem that’s been eating away at me for so long that I don’t know how to say it out loud.
“Whatever it is, Jess…”
“It’s about… what do you do when you meet someone and you immediately know that they can be the best thing in your world. You can just tell; you just know that they’re the best thing that’ll ever happen to you. But they don’t think the same thing, so you have to play dumb,” I sniffle. “So it’s about what you do with the information when your heart says, ‘Wait. That’s the one.’ But they don’t feel the same way.”
“Jess, if Ryan doesn’t feel the same, then he doesn’t deserve you,” he tells me so irritatingly obliviously. “You deserve to be loved the way you--.”
“No,” I refute quickly. “No.”
“Yes,” he still holds onto my hands.
“No! I mean, yeah… I deserve to be loved,” I agree, “but this is the love that wants him to stay even though he makes me cry; he ignores me and I still adore his attention. He fell in love with someone else and I still managed to say, ‘No, no “ I’m happy for you,’ even though I kind of wanted to kill myself on the inside. It’s the ‘I wish you were here so I could tell you to leave’ kind of shit that I hate, but have been drowning in since I met him. This love made me settle for the best friend, just to keep him in my life.”
You may be my final match
‘Cause I chase everything when you play throw and I play catch
His hands finally let go of me and he stands back, staring at me as if I just shot his mother and asked him if he wanted to keep the bullet.
“I love you,” I finally bring myself to say it out loud and unlike any way I’ve ever said it before. Tears rush over my lips, I feel frozen and naked, and my heart is racing, but hey, I said it. “There you go.”
He blinks slowly, and I wish I knew what the hell he was thinking. If he would just say something…anything. I hate the silence more than anything.
Never took much to keep me satisfied
But all the bullshit you feed me “ you miss me, you need me
This hungry heart will not subside
His shock seems to turn to dismay and he’s glaring at me as he appears to finally digest my words. “You’re serious,” he confirms.
“As hell.”
“Jess.”
“And I know that I have no right to lay this on you like this, but you asked, and…here the fuck we are,” I sigh. “I don’t know…I know this sucks, but…”
“What the fuck, Jess!”
“I’m sorry,” I cry. I swear to God, I already feeling our friendship slipping through my fingers. “I know how shitty this is, and I’m sorry.”
“Shit.” He leans against the wall behind him, resting his head, eyes closed. “Shit.”
“Justin, I’m sorry.”
“It’s… all right.” He turns to the door again and doesn’t hesitate to open it.
“Please don’t leave like this.”
“I just need to get outta here,” he says pressingly. “I’ll call you.”
“Justin.” My tears are falling again, my fears realized, and his presence is choking me as my breathing stutters.
Well I may seem naïve if I cry as you leave
Like I’m just one more tortured heart
“I’ll call you.” And then he leaves me for the second time tonight.
These cracks that I show as I’m watching you go aren’t tearing me apart
A part of me, for some reason, is stunned. I didn’t expect to say what I said, and I most certainly didn’t expect for him to do what he did. I thought it would be all right, due to some twisted ass logic in my head, I guess. I mean, his reaction was a natural one when your platonic pal of seven years tells you that they’re in fucking love with you. But shit…
I stand there, staring into the empty, silent room, whishing I could take it all back. Wishing I wasn’t stupid enough to think he would say it back, or even understand what I was trying to say. I wish I had just stayed cold and silent in the face of his pleading and not said anything at all. I just wish…
God, I hate Rie for bringing all this to the surface. I’ve been holding onto this secret for years now. Trying to keep up the façade, the smile on my face, my heart locked away, protected from the fact that he just doesn’t want me that way. I don’t care if everyone else in the world knew. He was blissful in his ignorance. Why the fuck did I ever go against that?
My tears quickly dissipate into good old-fashioned heartache as I stand there immobile. I can hear the sound of people walking through the halls, completely oblivious to my pain, much in the same way Justin has been, and I wish he still were. It’s so much easier that way. Ugh, I want to die.
The angels said I’d smile today
But who needs angels anyway?
I wonder if I can catch him, just to say that I want to take it back. I didn’t mean it. It was all a huge, stupid mistake and we should just erase the past day of our life. Yes, I know the likelihood of that happening is so low that I shouldn’t even bother, but I figure I haven’t got anything to lose, so I race to the door.
I swing it open, ready to beeline for the elevators, and there he is, just standing there. His back is facing me, his head is lowered, and his hands are in his pockets.
“Justin?”
When he turns around, I barely get to see his face before he leans forward and kisses me. At first, my eyes widen in shock, but I quickly and gladly melt into the fact that he’s kissing me. He’s kissing me. I can’t fucking believe it. This guy “ this perfect guy “ is kissing me, and his lips are so soft and his giant, amazing hands cupping my face shout the urgency of it all, and the butterflies in my stomach are running amuck, and shit. Fuck.
My tears are falling because I’m thinking too much, as usual, and I realize that this is just a moment. A moment he’ll probably regret in all of five minutes, and one that I won’t get back, nor will I ever be able to recreate. A moment that most likely doesn’t mean anything to him, while it’s everything to me… which is why I need to stop. Shit. “Stop,”I frown, pulling away. Fuck.
“What’s wrong?” he breathes heavily.
“Don’t do this to me,” I say, wiping furiously to get all these stupid tears off my face.
“Do what?”
“You’re about to fuck me up.” I focus on a spot on the floor, because I really can’t bear to look at him. “Don’t fucking do this to me when you know you don’t feel the same way.”
He’s taken and leaving
“Jess, I’m not here to hurt you,” he proclaims, biting his swollen pink lips.
“I know,” I nod. “But this could get really bad, really quickly, and I just can’t…”
“You’re so stupid,” he smiles, shaking his head. Before I know it, he’s pulling me back in for another kiss.
But I keep believing that he’s gonna come round soon
>>>>>>>>>>
Well, it got really bad, really quickly. As in, We-just-had-sex-and-now-he’s-asleep-next-to-me bad. Shit.
And I really am so, so stupid. Fuck.
I’m still sighing and crying, because this obviously hasn’t done anything to help the situation, and actually, I feel worse. Not because of who else will potentially be hurt in this, but because we were just so close for those few moments and I don’t know how the hell I’m supposed to let him go now.
With him lying next to me, I stare at him like I’ll never see him again. I know it’s silly, but this whole… thing seems like a dream that I’ll wake up from at any minute, just to find that none of it happened. And I don’t know whether that’s a bad or good thing, but I’m determined to keep a snapshot of this moment in my mind forever. I want to remember every inch of his face. Every freckle, every hair, every crevice, every imperfect perfection.
Until I see him again, I’m staying believing that it won’t be deceiving
When he’s gonna come round soon
But then, I close my eyes, envisioning everything, and I think I must have fallen asleep. Because my eyes reopen, and I don’t know what time it is, but he’s moving out of the bed, blindly searching for his clothes in the darkness. He glances over towards me with a sad look “ a look I’d rather not remember, to be honest “ and I can tell he’s already regretting this. He’s already making up excuses in his head and locking his heart away. He won’t even look at me, just through me, blankly and gloomily.
I sit up straight and ask him, “Are you all right?”
He just nods.
His lack of response speaks volumes, unfortunately. And as he turns his back to pull on his pants, I can’t help but wonder if I just lost my best friend. I remember when the silence between us was comfortable. This is anything but.
I could use another cigarette
Lyrics: “Come Round Soon” “ Sara Bareilles, Little Voice
Author's Chapter Notes:
Hello, all! I'm sorry for the lack of updating. I thought I'd wait out all the drama and moving stuff, and then I'm going out of town, so I wanted to leave you with the newest newness possible!
And I keep forgetting to post the cast pictures, so I'm gonna go ahead and post a few more for you guys!
Justin: http://i37.tinypic.com/161hijm.jpg
Jess & Ryan: http://i37.tinypic.com/xfqbs1.jpg
Justin & Rie: http://i34.tinypic.com/2zhqh77.jpg
Rie: http://i36.tinypic.com/2a5wsxs.jpg
Again, thanks so much for reading. Happy Labor Day! :love -Ash
And I keep forgetting to post the cast pictures, so I'm gonna go ahead and post a few more for you guys!
Justin: http://i37.tinypic.com/161hijm.jpg
Jess & Ryan: http://i37.tinypic.com/xfqbs1.jpg
Justin & Rie: http://i34.tinypic.com/2zhqh77.jpg
Rie: http://i36.tinypic.com/2a5wsxs.jpg
Again, thanks so much for reading. Happy Labor Day! :love -Ash
Story Tags: interracial unrequited boyfriendj love fiancej vulnerablej
