15 >> Hello To High And Dry
I made a mistake. I’m sorry.
That was the text she received from Justin. No other words, nothing else to explain himself, no follow-up phone call to see if she even received the damn text. Jessica couldn’t believe it. This was worse than Berger breaking up with Carrie via Post-It note on Sex and the City. Jess didn’t know what to do.
Had it really been a mistake? Did he really expect that dinky ass message to suffice? And what was she supposed to say when they saw each other again? Would they even see each other again? For two and a half weeks, she puttered and pondered over Justin’s six little words. They had somehow become epic to her.
“’I made a mistake. I’m sorry,’” she repeated to her lunch companion, shaking her head at the mere thought.
Sitting across from her was Rie’s best friend and former confidante, Jacqueline. Not that they weren’t friends anymore, but they’d grown apart considerably since Justin entered Rie’s life, and Jac was more than happy to fill in the blanks with Jessica. It appeared that the feeling was mutual.
“What the fuck is that?” Jac concurred. “How do you sleep with someone and then leave them with that?”
“Exactly,” Jess agreed enthusiastically. “I wanna kick his scrawny ass.”
“Justifiably.”
“So, like, I still haven’t responded…”
“And it’s been three weeks?”
“Pretty much,” she winced. “This is the longest we’ve ever gone without any kind of communication.”
“Which sounds like it’s for the best.”
“Well… yeah, maybe. But I’m honestly going a little stir crazy,” Jess admitted. “I tell him I love him and he tells me he made a mistake? What the hell is he on?”
“Is he on… Rie?” she suggested innocently.
“Jac, come on.”
“I mean, I know that sounds like a horrible thing to say, but they are together,” she defended. “Making the front page of Just Jared every other day…”
“Spare me,” Jess made a face.
“You can’t just ignore the fact that he’s with her. Annnd you’ve got a boyfriend, you know.”
“I know,” she grinned at the mention of Ryan. “I just… I wish I weren’t so concerned with Justin. I just feel like I’m right back where I started.”
“Well…”
“In fact, I’m worse than where I started, because now he knows how I feel, I have no idea what’s on his mind, and we’re not even talking right now.”
“But you know you guys’ll be cool again soon,” Jac tried to remain cheerful. “You’re going to his birthday thing, right?”
“Yeah,” Jess nodded somberly. “I don’t know if I can handle seeing them together again, though. They were sickeningly cute in New York.”
“I dunno, they’ve been fighting a lot,” Jac revealed. “At least, according to Perez Hilton.”
“Perez Hilton is a fucking idiot,” Jess quipped.
“Well yeah, but they do look like they’re fighting in some of the pictures I’ve seen.”
“I’m sure it’s nothing,” she glowered. She took a long sip from her cup of lemonade, staring out to the relatively tame backdrop of Sunset Boulevard. “Unless…”
“Unless?”
“Unless he told her what happened?”
“Well why wouldn’t he tell her?”
“Because her mom just died, and Justin usually isn’t an insensitive jerk,” Jess chuckled awkwardly. “But I guess he could’ve…”
“Did you tell Ryan?” Jac questioned.
She shook her head. “I planned to, but then I got that text, so now I’m wondering. Like… I don’t know if I can.”
“Well if you can’t, then I highly doubt Justin did.”
>>>>>>>>>>
It was a sunny Friday in Los Angeles, and the end-of-January weather made for a good afternoon to run errands. So, with the 70-degree temperature in mind, Justin and Rie had just pulled into the Whole Foods located in the Santa Monica area of town.
Rie, who had already been put off by the silence of their ride, reluctantly piled out of the car, accidentally shutting the door before picking up her extra large Coach bag. Justin had locked the car before she knew what happened. “Could you open the door?” she requested meekly.
“What’s wrong?” His shades covered his eyes, but it was obvious that he was nearing a frown.
“I didn’t get my purse.”
“Well didn’t you shut the door?” he rebutted.
“Yeah, but I didn’t mean to.” She rested her hand on the handle of his navy blue 760Li, glaring at him from behind her own sunglasses. “Please, just open the door?”
He sighed and unlocked the car, waiting for her to pull out her Bleecker tote. “I don’t know how you could forget that big ass thing. It’s damn near bigger than you.”
“I just shut the door prematurely,” she retorted beginning to walk towards the store.
“What do you have in there?”
“Stuff,” she smirked.
He followed her into the market, grabbing a basket for their items, and then walked past her, heading for the produce section. As he picked through string beans and peppers, broccoli and squash, he noted Rie standing idly behind him. “You don’t have to just stand here, you know.”
“What would you like me to do, sir?”
“Anything you want, Rie.”
“Well, this is all for your birthday celebration thing, so why don’t you just tell me what you want?”
“All right, you can go to the bakery and get some foccacia and some rye, then pick up some ricotta and goat cheese?”
She dryly offered him a military salute and spun on her heel to get lost in the store. Anything to get away from his attitude, she thought. As she strolled through the store, she pulled out her favorite little phone to text the only person she knew she could trust with any information on Justin.
Finding Jacqueline Scheine on her BlackBerry, she composed an SMS text that playfully stated: I hate men.
Rie continued through the store, locating some onion and olive foccacia and several of the freshly baked loaves of wheat bread. Fuck Justin and his rye.
Not long thereafter, Jac replied to her text. Why do u hate justin? Lol
I don’t know he’s just an asshole all of a sudden. Why are boys like that?!
So nothing happened?
Not in particular. Dude is crazy tho, like pms or some shit.
Lmao. What did he do???
Girl the list is endless. Like just now he lost his shit bc I asked him to unlock the car. Wtf is that to be pissed about
Hmmm. how long has he been acting like this?
I dunno mayb 2 weeks? Ever since we got back from nyc I feel like he’s a diff. dude.
Bipolar maybe?
Lmao not funny bitch! I really don’t know what to do.
Well men are just diff. people when they hit rock bottom. U know how u do, just move on
I know that sounds easy enough but I can’t!
What do u mean u can’t?! u better tell him to the left left left
I told him I would really try at a relationshp. I’m not gonna just run at the 1st sign of trouble!
Rie, trust. He is not the guy to try this with lol
Why not??
Rie picked up a few tubs of soft cheese, as directed, and moved through the store, checking her phone periodically for Jac’s response. She couldn’t imagine what kind of reason Jac would give, but it was nice to get her input. For almost two months, Justin had been the only person she closely interacted with. It was good to have her friend back, even if only temporarily.
She turned to the wine section, where she found Justin and their cart full of fruits and vegetables, browsing the red wines. She took note of two young ladies at the opposite side of the area, watching Justin’s every move. “You’ve got a couple of admirers,” she announced, startling him as she placed her items in their basket.
With his shades still on, he glanced over to them and then back to Rie. “You’re so observant.”
“Clearly.” She rolled her eyes, trying to resist the urge to start another fight. She just didn’t have it in her sometimes. “Make sure to get lots of wine.”
“Duly noted,” he chuckled for the first time since they left the house.
“I’m so nervous about tomorrow,” she commented breezily.
“Why is that?”
I've made up my mind, don't need to think it over
If I'm wrong I am right, don't need to look no further
This ain't lust, I know this is love
“Oh, I don’t know. Your parents will be there. Your best friend hates me. This is the first big thing I’m doing as your… you know.”
“As my… girlfriend?” His eyebrows raised as he dropped a couple of bottles of Merlot and Shiraz into their cart. “You’ll be fine.”
“I hope so.”
“Plus, you’ve already met my mom, so I don’t know why you’re nervous about that.”
“I met her before I even met you!” she laughed. “She won’t remember me.”
“Yes, she will. Me and my mama never forget a face.”
“I really hope that’s not true,” Rie chuckled again. “And your dad will be there too, and it’s just gonna be weird.”
“My parents will love you,” he assured her, finding another bottle of Sangiovese.
“Even so, Jess still hates me, which always makes things awkward as hell.”
Justin disappeared across the large area, picking up some Pinot Grigio, because he knew Trace preferred white over red. When he returned to Rie and their groceries, he changed subjects altogether. “We need to get a couple of bags for all these bottles,” he proclaimed. “You wanna get them or keep looking here?”
“Justin.”
“What?”
She pushed his sunglasses to the top of his head, revealing a set of extremely red eyes. She didn’t know if it was from lack of sleep or excess of tears, but it alarmed her either way. “Justin, what is wrong with you?”
He pulled his shades back down and solemnly replied, “Nothing.”
“Don’t do that,” she countered. “Clearly, something is wrong. You’ve been acting like a depressive since you rushed us back here from New York. And like an asshole. So spill.”
“Are you calling me an asshole?”
“I said you’ve been acting like one, yes,” she admitted. “I don’t even know what the fuck we fight about all time, so if you could just let me in on the secret, I’ll be glad to keep arguing with you, man.”
“We’re not arguing, Rie.”
“Yes, we are.” She tried to keep the mood light with a smile, but the neverending tension between them was palpable. “For the past two weeks, that’s all we’ve done.”
“That’s not all we’ve done.”
“Verbally, that’s all we’ve done,” she appended. “If I’ve done something wrong, please just tell me. If you’re frustrated about something else “ about Talis “ please, just tell me.”
But if I tell the world, I'll never say enough
'Cause it was not said to you
And that's exactly what I need to do if I'd end up with you
“Rie…”
“This is exactly why I don’t do relationships,” she told him. “I get this amazing guy for the first six weeks, and then we turn a corner and you lose your fucking mind.”
“You’re not all that normal either, you know.”
“Oh trust me, I know that. But I warned you before you started, and here I am, trying. I dove into the deep end, and now I’m about to fucking drown because I have no idea what I’m doing and you’re off somewhere in LaLa Land not giving a flying damn. So please,” she begged, “tell me what to do.”
Should I give up, or should I just keep chasing pavements
Even if it leads nowhere?
The grimace in his face subsided and he shook his head. “I will tell you what’s going on,” he promised. “But not here.”
“So you admit that something is going on.”
“Yes, I will admit that,” he nodded. He even began to smile, just a little. “Just… not here, all right?”
“Fine with me.”
They continued their shopping spree, picking up a few more staples, including some whole wheat pasta, some sea vegetables, oolong tea, lots of seafood, and a platter of pasta salad that Justin had already called in for preparation. They quietly made their way to the checkout, where Justin paid for the items and Rie arranged the bags so that he had the heavier items, while she carried the breads and the platter of pasta.
It was all very subtle to the naked eye, she guessed, but for the first time in her life, she felt like she was really in a relationship. She felt like they were actually a couple, doing coupley things, like grocery shopping for their outing on a yacht the next day, celebrating her boyfriend’s birthday. Meeting his parents and hosting his friends.
Obviously, it was all very new and she didn’t have a lot of responsibilities as The Girlfriend yet, especially considering they were barely getting along at the moment, but this was a big deal to her. She really liked this feeling. And, as inconceivable as it was, she wanted it to last.
Or would it be a waste, even if I knew my place
Should I leave it there?
With their arms and hands full, the couple exited the store to several onlookers doing double-takes. Justin noted a gaggle of paparazzi approaching them in the parking lot. “Just keep going to the car,” he mumbled to Rie.
She had spotted them as well, and was already on the path to freaking out. But she did as directed, locating his dark blue Beemer and heading straight towards it. She was silently praying that an altercation didn’t ensue, because the whole situation was embarrassing enough on its own.
Ignoring the photographers, they got to their spot, where a twentysomething Hispanic guy was situated directly behind the car. Frowning, Justin approached the guy, who appeared to be staring at the license plate. “Can I help you?”
He gazed over to Justin and then back at the car.
“What the fuck, guy, could you back up?” Justin demanded.
“No habla ingles, tio,” the guy replied, stating that he did not speak English.
“Yeah, I just bet you don’t,” Justin muttered. He reworded his phrase to be sure the guy would understand. “Estoy muy cabreado. Vete a la verga.”
“Jus, could you open the door?” Rie interrupted with a sigh.
He passed the keys over to her, but continued to stare down the guy in front of them. “Comprende?”
“Tranqui, tio,” the stranger laughed. “Me gusta tu BMW,”
“Que mas da. Pierdete.”
Rie had carefully placed her groceries in the back of the car and she was standing next to Justin now. “Can we go? People are watching.”
“I don’t care,” he repeated, in English this time. “He needs to get away from my car.”
“You need to calm down,” she warned him. “Let’s just get in the car, and… I promise you can run over him if he doesn’t move.”
Justin looked to the photographers that were forming a group around them and he relented. “All right.”
“Si, vete a la mierda,” the guy encouraged them to get lost. And as Rie turned to enter the car, he added, “Miiiiira ese culo!”
She managed to ignore it, but Justin, quick to defend the lady he was with, turned around and said, “You know what? Chingate, cabrón--.”
“Chinga tu madre, cabrón!”
“Para!” Rie yelled suddenly, ordering them to stop all this nonsense. “Justin, please get in the car. And you,” she turned to the stranger, “lo siento for him… pero tu eres un pendejo.”
“Mami,” he held his hands out as if to protest.
“Que tenga un buen dia y adios,” she finished, shutting the door as she entered the car. She looked over to Justin, who was smirking at her as she pulled on her seatbelt. “What.”
“So now you speak Spanish?”
“About as much as you do, apparently!” she laughed. “Look at you, all bilingual and shit.”
“Well Trace is fluent, so I know some stuff.”
“And I grew up in LA, so it’s inevitable,” she nodded. “Hey, try not to hit anybody?” she suggested as he began to back up.
“But you said I could,” he whined playfully.
“Fine, but just… be gentle.”
She took off her sweater and got comfortable in her seat, pulling her phone from her purse. She noted the red light blink on her Curve, so she checked her messages, seeing that Jac had replied to her message a while ago. Her response was short: He’s just not what you thought he was.
Rie was confused by the ominous advice, but she didn’t want to ponder it now. She rested her phone between them and turned to Justin as he turned down San Vincente. “So hey, you ready to tell me what’s going on?”
He exhaled heavily and shook his head. “Not now, Rie.”
“Well then when?”
“I don’t know, but just… not now.”
And then it dawned on her that Jac’s text actually made perfect sense.
Should I give up, or should I just keep chasing pavements
Even if it leads nowhere?
>>>>>>>>>>
The following Saturday was just as nice as the day before, and Justin and Rie had made it another 24 hours without any arguments to report. In celebration of Justin’s 28th birthday, they were driving out to Orange County, along with several of their friends and Justin’s family, for a nice outing in the Pacific. His friend Huch owned a yacht that they would be using for the afternoon, sailing out of Laguna Beach.
Their group, comprised of Justin and Rie, Justin’s parents, Lynn and Paul, his best friends, Trace, Jessica, Huch, and their current better halves, JoAnna, Ryan, and Dana, as well as Rachael, Jac, and their guys, strolled down the pier to their boat, toting enough food and drink to last them a week.
“Now ladies, be careful gettin’ on this boat,” Huch warned, standing to the side so that the females behind him could get by. “It does not like high heels.”
Justin valiantly and silently helped Rie and both of his parents onto the boat, and then climbed aboard, the four of them taking their groceries into the kitchen. “I didn’t realize how hungry I was until now,” he commented, placing the cheese in the refrigerator. “I hope we leave soon.”
“We’re leaving right now,” Rachael informed him in passing.
“Justin and Rie, why don’t you two go get comfy outside and I’ll bring you somethin’ to eat?” Lynn suggested. She was very aware of the awkward silence between them, which had been a vast contrast to the way he’d gone on and on about Rie over the past few months, so she wanted to do anything she could to ease whatever tension was between them. “How ‘bout it, sweetie?”
“Lynn, I can stay here with you to help unpack everything,” Rie countered. “And I’ll bring something out to you?” she told Justin.
He nodded and yawned, turning to the rest of the swanky boat, exploring with his other friends. He loved the way the blue from the ocean created a tint on the whole interior from the spectacular windows ahead of him. He immediately headed outside and took a seat on the deck, staring into the abyss they were headed toward.
After a long moment of silent contemplation, there were footsteps on the deck behind him. They were soft and almost drowned out by the ocean around them. “You broke my heart,” the voice belonging to the footsteps announced sullenly. “And I’ve been trying to get the balls to tell you off for like… two weeks,” the voice chuckled. “I wanted to tell you that I hated you, but… I know I could never bring myself to say that. I wanted to say that we can’t or shouldn’t be friends anymore, but… I think that would’ve affected me so much more than you,” it sighed. “Hell, I wanted to kick your ass, but since it’s your birthday and all, I guess now wouldn’t be the appropriate time to do that, so… I’m left with four words. You broke my heart.” The voice was trembling, in spit of its strong words. “I just thought you should know that.”
Justin inhaled silently and turned when he thought the footsteps were leaving. “Jessica,” he called after her.
“What?”
“I’m sorry,” he proclaimed earnestly. His eyes locked with hers for the first time since they had sex, and for a moment, he really thought he was going to cry.
“Can you just tell me what I did?”
“You didn’t do anything.”
“Then why won’t you look at me?” her eyes were pleading with his back and she was on the verge of tears herself. “I feel like I’m losing you.”
“You can’t lose me, Jess.”
“Okay, well then maybe you’re losing you. Because I don’t understand why you fucked me and never looked back, Justin. I don’t understand why you’re parading around town with Rie like nothing happened.” She walked over to him and sat down beside him, just close enough that she wouldn’t have to shout over the wind. “I don’t know why I just don’t… know you anymore.”
“I haven’t changed,” he looked up at her. “Not that much, anyway.”
“I thought you were gonna start working on your album.”
“I said I’d start in January,” he quipped.
“And today’s the last day in January; that ship has sailed,” she frowned. “The Justin I know would not have gotten to January third without studio time booked.”
“The Justin you know got sidetracked,” he defended. “I don’t see the big deal.”
“The big deal is in all the little things that have changed about you,” Jessica maintained. “The Justin I know would not have done what you did to me.”
“I didn’t do anything to you,” he looked down. “I mean, not purposely.”
“Why did you freak out? Why didn’t you call?” she pressed. “Why did you do this?”
“I don’t know,” he shook his head sadly. “I don’t know. When you said you loved me, I think I just caught up in this moment where nothing quite made sense, and I somehow convinced myself that that was the most amazing thing in the world. And then, afterwards, it was like… what the fuck did I just do? You know?”
Jessica shrugged. “I wasn’t lying or speaking impulsively when I said that I loved you, Justin. I mean, if I had known what was going to happen, then I don’t think I would’ve admitted it, but it’s been true for…ever,” she sighed. “And then with those three little words, I inadvertently gave you all the power. I gave you all the tools you needed to break my heart…”
I build myself up and fly around in circles
Wait then as my heart drops and my back begins to tingle
Finally, could this be it?
“Jess--.”
“And I think that’s where Rie got you,” she continued, “because she was smart. She wouldn’t let you have that. She wouldn’t let you get that close, and that is precisely why--.”
“Jessica.”
“--That’s why she’s got your heart. And that’s why I’m still fighting for a little slice of your attention, and still looking for that coveted key when she’s already got the whole damn thing.” Now, Jess was shaking her head. “And you’ve got all the power…”
“I don’t want it,” he sighed. He rested his head on her unwitting shoulder, smiling at her light scent. “I still have to tell Rie…,” he whispered.
“Why haven’t you told her yet?”
“Because it’s gonna hurt, and I just “ I don’t know how to do that.”
Or should I give up, or should I just keep chasing pavements
Even if it leads nowhere?
Jessica nodded, because she knew as much, but it stung just the same to see that she was still on the backburner. And even after he was the one to initiate their little tryst, he didn’t seem to care that she was the one he’d failed to protect. “I haven’t told Ryan yet either.”
“I figured, since he came along today and all.”
“Yeah…”
“I have to tell her, though,” he repeated contemplatively.
Or would it be a waste even if i knew my place
Should I leave it there?
Once Rie finished up her domestic duties with Lynn, she made her way outside to see Justin and Jessica sitting close together, having what appeared to be a rather solemn discussion. Rie didn't want to interrupt their bonding time “ well, really she did, but she felt slightly remorseful about it at the least. She cleared her throat as she walked on deck with a plate of crablegs for Justin. “Hey.”
Justin and Jess turned to her voice, Justin gazing back emptily. Jessica hopped up from her seat and completely avoided Rie as she hurried back inside. Noticing her unease, she asked, “Did I run over her dog or something?”
“It’s not you,” he smiled softly. H offered her his hand, and pulled her towards him when their fingers touched.
They sat on a bench at the edge of the boat, overlooking the vast Pacific ahead of them, seemingly mesmerized by the huge mass of water, beginning to daydream of what was ahead. With their legs crossed over one another, they appeared so peaceful, even if only for show.
“I’m sorry for the way I’ve been acting,” he eventually announced after a good ten minutes of comfortable silence. “I haven’t been myself for the past couple of weeks, and I know I went all crazy on you…”
“A little Doctor Jekyll and Mister Jackass,” she nodded in agreement.
He smiled quickly, lowering his William Rast hat on his head before continuing. “No, I know I’ve been pretty douchetastic. And you deserve better than that, so I will be better.”
“Can you tell me why you’ve been so depressed?” she queried, beginning to pull the crablegs apart for him. “Was it a relapse of Talis-ness?”
He bit his bottom lip, wondering what it would do to her if he said right then and there that he’d slept with Jessica. At this point, he had run the gamut of emotions over his mistake, and he knew he couldn’t feel any worse, so this was really about preserving Rie’s feelings now. She hadn’t even given him all the tools he needed to break her heart, and yet, here he was, doing it anyway.
“I want to be honest with you,” he stated, “because I just adore the hell out of you, but…”
“What are you scared of?”
“You hating me,” he chuckled.
She gave him a sympathetic look and set the plate down. She pieced together all the information she had been given “ and some she had to take for herself “ in the recent weeks, and it wasn’t hard for her to figure out that this was about Jessica. Granted, she didn’t know exactly what was going on, but if he thought she would hate him for it, she really didn’t want to know what it was. She couldn’t afford to. Not there, in the middle of the ocean, with his friends and his parents there, and nowhere for her to go but out of her mind.
She swallowed hard and bit her lip so as not to blurt out anything. She couldn’t take her eyes off of him. She couldn’t get over this whole situation, really. She couldn’t believe that he was her boyfriend, and that whatever he had to say could potentially mean that he wouldn’t be anymore. No, whatever it was, she couldn’t bear to hear it.
“I just want to know one thing,” she supplied hesitantly. “… And that’s if you’re okay.”
“Come here.” He picked up the plate and repositioned his right leg so that there was an open space on the bench. He extended his free arm and took her hand, pulling her backwards into his embrace. He sat the plate in her lap, pushed her hair to one side, and nuzzled into the soft crevice between her neck and shoulder. “We’ll be okay.”
“You are a hard man to chase,” she told him, melting at his touch. “But I think you’ll be a good catch.”
“You’ve caught me already,” he smiled, resting his hands on her hips.
She smirked at the mere thought. “Not quite.”
Meanwhile, inside the boat, Jess and Jac sat at one of the many dining tables, witnessing the lone couple on the deck, curled up together, eating seafood and laughing like they had not a care in the world.
“He so didn’t tell her,” Jess announced, turning from the scene of Rie and Justin. “Maybe it’s for the best?”
Jacqueline only shrugged.
“I think I would adore them if I didn’t hate them.”
“Ugh, I need a man,” Jac joked, still gazing at them. “I know I’m supposed to remain kind of neutral through all this, but it’s getting rough. She’s falling hard, and it sucks that I know she’s about to get hurt.”
Jessica shook her head in disagreement. “All I’ve managed to do is successfully push him further away from me. She’s got him…”
“You think so?”
“Well look at them.”
Jessica’s stomach dropped in jealousy when she saw Justin wrap Rie in his leather jacket. And then, it appeared that she said something funny, because he laughed in that way where he was bent over and his mouth was hanging wide open. And Jess imagined that it was that hearty laugh that ended with one of his big sighs. That was the way he laughed when he thought something was really funny.
Sharing food and sharing stories were the things that happy people did. And it was clear that they were happy. Together. And her dirty little secret didn’t seem to be affecting either one of them at the moment. “She’s got him,” she repeated.
Yeah, Justin was right. This was all a mistake, indeed.
Should I give up, or should I just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere
Lyrics: "Chasing Pavements" - Adele (19)
Author's Chapter Notes:
Hello, all! I'm sorry for the long wait, but I'm done traveling for the moment, so hopefully I'll be on a better roll for the next few chapters!
THANK YOU so much for reading, guys. I luff hearing from you! -Ash
THANK YOU so much for reading, guys. I luff hearing from you! -Ash
Story Tags: interracial unrequited boyfriendj love fiancej vulnerablej
