17 >> System Overload
I’m not loving you way I wanted to
What I had to do, had to run from you
I’m in love with you but the vibe is wrong
And that haunted me all the way home
The morning after Rie’s heartbreaking breakup with Justin, she awoke to a sunny Sunday, where everything she remembered about the night before seemed to be magnified by two. She trudged down her steps, wrapped up in a hoodie and sweats, and found her way to her kitchen, where the voicemail light on her BlackBerry seemed to be taunting her. But instead of taking heed and listening to them, she turned the thing off and began to make herself some coffee.
She opted for her home voicemail instead, where she had two old messages saved from her mother. The night after Tina died, Rie listened to them nonstop for hours, as it was all she had left from her; the only sound of her voice she had to hold onto. It comforted her then, and she only hoped that it could help comfort her now.
She went to her answering machine, pressing a series of buttons to get to the saved messages, and waited for her mother’s voice to fill the room.
“Hey sweetie,” the message began, “I know you’re in Fiji this weekend, but I had to tell you… I was in LA today for my treatment and guess who I saw. I’m at the Beverly Center and on the escalator in front of me? Will Smith! Just looking scrumptious. And oh, he was just so sweet, Rie. You know how much I love me some Will,” she chuckled faintly and continued gushing adamantly. “Oh, he was so sweet, taking pictures and joking with everyone. I wish you could’ve seen him, Rie. So sexy,” she happily sighed into the phone. “Anyway darling, give me a call when you’re back in town, all right? I met a doctor at Cedars-Sinai that’s available, so we’ll set up a date, okay? Hey, maybe I’ll get to see you married before I die,” Tina laughed. Rie never found her mom’s jokes about dying particularly funny, but hey, that was how she rolled. “I’ll see you soon, sweetie. I love you.”
Rie had begun crying less than halfway through the message, as she missed her mother and her silliness more and more as time went on. But she smiled as it ended and went on to the next one; this one just a few days before she passed.
“Rieeeee, it’s your mama. Just letting you know, I talked to my friend at the LA Times. She says you’re in, you just gotta send her your portfolio, so do that for me, okay? Her email address is Tiffany-dot-Ryan at L-A-Times-dot-com,” she explained slowly. “And also, for the love of god, call Justin, please. He didn’t do anything but get you to pay attention. Trust me, he’s worth the trouble, okay?”
Through her tears, Rie laughed at the irony in her statement as her mother pledged her love for the last time. To think, at that time, all he’d done was kiss his ex-fiancée. A few months later, he’d now pulled the ultimate betrayal, and there was no voicemail from her mother telling her how to handle that. All of a sudden, her mother was gone, and the voicemail prompts were reminding her that she had two choices: she could repeat the message and stay stuck in the past, where she hadn’t been hurt; or she could move on with her life and listen to her new messages, accepting that she had. She opted for repeating them.
So you never know, never never know
Never know enough till it’s over love
Till we lose control, system overload
Screamin’ no, no, no, no, no
As her messages came to an end for what seemed like the hundredth time, her doorbell rang, forcing her to put herself out of her misery for at least a moment. Sluggishly making her way to the door, she frowned at the sight of Jacqueline peeking through one of her windows. Swinging the door open, she greeted her with a sullen, “Hey.”
“Hi,” Jac grinned. “I, um… I’m sorry for dropping by unexpectedly, but I called and kept getting no answer, so I wanted to see if you were okay.”
“I’m fine,” she stated stoically.
“You sure?”
“Yes.”
“You wanna talk about it?”
She stared at her friend for a moment, glowering over her jet black hair wrapped in a sloppy bun at the top of her head. Her designer shades covered her light green eyes, and her lips were chapped and pale. Rie continued staring, down to her purple plaid shirt and black leggings, internally criticizing her for being so skinny when Rie was standing there feeling so fat and unwanted. Even if she knew she wasn’t fat, she always felt that way next to Jacqueline.
“Where have you been?” she finally blurted out, accusingly.
Jac was clearly frowning at the question as she began stumbling over her words. “W-wh-what are you talking about?”
“I mean all this time, all these months! You never once stopped by before when I wasn’t answering your calls. Why now?”
“Well…” She looked down to the doorstep and then back up at Rie as she licked her lips. “I dunno,” she shrugged.
“That’s not good enough,” she began to close the door, but Jac stopped her. “What?”
“Rie, I’m really sorry. I disappeared probably when you needed me most, and I’m wrong for that, but I’m trying to be here now.”
“Tell me why.”
“Jealousy,” Jac shrugged again. “You were getting all comfy and cozy with Justin, and then when your mom died, you completely latched onto him, and I was just feeling… I dunno. You took Jess’ best friend, he took mine, so we latched onto each other I guess.”
“I needed you,” she acknowledged, looking her in the eye. “And more importantly, I needed you to know that I needed you. Like, yeah… I shut you out, and that was stupid of me. But I was never out to replace you, Jac. I needed to be away from the things that reminded me of my mom. And I’ve known you almost as long as I’ve known her, so yeah, you were included when I tried to get rid of the rest of the world, but never once did I think you would just… go.”
“I’m here now, Rie. And I can be whatever you need me to be.”
“Yeah, now that Justin is gone, you wanna waltz in like nothing happened.”
“Now that Justin is gone, I know that you need me again.”
Rie sighed tiredly, not at all in the mood to handle this. “I don’t have it in me to fight you,” she replied, taking a step back to allow Jac into her house.
“I was counting on that,” she smiled, strolling through the hall and into Rie’s kitchen. She took a seat at the counter, where Rie had all her phones situated beside her coffee. “Waiting for a call?”
“I’m, umm… waiting to hear back about a job.”
“Really, Rie? On a Sunday morning?”
Rie had to laugh at the ridiculousness of her little lie, and then looked back up to Jac. “I just like to watch the phone ring when he calls,” she admitted. “Seeing his name and picture pop up on my BlackBerry? Like… that’s all I get now.”
“Or you could answer the phone.”
“Definitely not.”
“Why not?”
“I don’t know.”
“Well what’s the point in leaving him if you’re just gonna be miserable?” Jac pressed.
“I don’t know!” Rie shouted back. “I don’t know. I guess I just don’t trust whatever it is going on in his head, and I can’t be with him that way.”
“So you’d rather be without him.”
“Yes,” Rie retorted.
“Well… the key is to get to know people; to trust them to be who they are. Instead, we trust who we want them to be and then we’re disappointed when they’re not. That’s not fair.”
“What’s not fair is that he did this,” she yelled again.
“Love hurts, Rie.”
“No,” she shook her head slowly, staring idly at her fingers. “Love isn’t what hurt me, because love didn’t sleep with Jessica Biel or break me into a million little pieces. I can’t blame love for that, because Justin did it. Love just made me think he wouldn’t.”
Jacqueline gave her friend a sympathetic stare, wishing that she somehow had the capacity to undo it all. She had spent so much time being jealous of Rie that she didn’t realize just how far her friend had fallen. “Do you hate him?”
She shook her head quickly this time. “I don’t think I could ever hate him.” She sighed heavily before taking a long sip of coffee. “But he so completely fucked me up with this.”
“Could I make a suggestion?”
“Only if it helps.”
“Two weeks,” Jac proclaimed. “Just take two weeks to revisit you, who you are, where you were going before Justin came along; to figure out who you’d like to be at the end of this,” she went on. “You put your life on pause to become Justin Timberlake’s girlfriend, and I think you need to go back to Rie Torrey for a while.”
“I put my life on pause because my mom died,” she corrected her. “Justin just happened to be a part of the healing process.”
“And are you all happy and whole now?”
“Pshh, not even close,” Rie rolled her eyes.
“Then just take two weeks.”
I’m not loving you way I wanted to
See I wanna move but can’t escape from you
So I keep it low, keep a secret code
So everybody else don’t have to know
>>>>>>>>>>
“You look happy,” Justin noted as Jessica came meandering into the kitchen in a bathrobe and a smile.
“And you look sad,” she countered, offering him a sympathetic grin. “Are you okay?”
Justin just shrugged, because he knew he wasn’t. “I could certainly afford to be better.”
“Could you be worse?”
He nodded, ever-so-slightly. “I always try to keep that in perspective. It can always be worse.”
“Do you wish you hadn’t told her?”
“No… she definitely needed to know,” he rationalized as his gaze zeroed in on the kettle of hot water sitting on the stove. “I could never be happy with a lie burning a hole in my relationship.”
I’m not loving you way I wanted to
I can’t keep my cool so I keep it true
“What’s that supposed to mean?” she looked up at him.
“I mean, my little secret was creating this distance between us, and we were just filling it with these tense moments and awkward silences, and it’s just better that she knows the truth. We would’ve just been pretending otherwise anyway.”
I got something to lose so I gotta move
I can’t keep myself and still keep you too
With a sigh, Jessica turned for the refrigerator, peering into it as if it had the words she was searching to reply with. “You ever get tired of being perfect?” she finally questioned. “Or at the very least, that holier-than-thou bullshit attitude?”
“Excuse me?” he frowned back at her.
“I am so sick of you looking down on me every chance you get, Justin. As I recall, two of us were there that night, fucking things up, so why you get to act like you did some amazing service to yourself by telling Rie, I don’t understand.”
“I’m not trying to act ‘holier-than-thou,’” he retorted, his small eyes narrowing at her. “I’m trying to help you avoid the mistakes I made; maybe learn the things I should’ve learned from Talis.”
“Bullshit,” she rolled her entrancing green eyes at him.
“It’s not bullshit, Jess. The longer you wait, the quicker he’s gonna walk away,” he explained vehemently. “And trust me, there’s nothing sadder in life than to watch someone you love walk away after they’ve left you. Watching the distance between your two bodies expand until there’s nothing left but empty space…” he trailed off, thinking of that Valentine’s night with Rie two weeks prior. “Just… empty space… and silence.”
“Jus,” she sighed.
“So I don’t care if you think I’m picking on you, or being overly judgmental, or whatever it is you’re mad about. If you give a shit about your relationship, my advice, until you take it, will be to tell Ryan what’s going on.”
“And what if he leaves anyway?”
“Well,” Justin shrugged, “then he leaves anyway. But at least your conscience is clear. And then it’s up to you not to let him go. If you’re that scared that he’s gonna leave, then boom “ you’re on, there’s your cue. It’s time to give a shit.”
So I keep in mind when I’m on my own
Somewhere far from home in the danger zone
“I can’t watch him walk away,” she replied, shaking her head sadly. “I don’t know how you did it, but I can’t do it.”
“Why are you so sure that he won’t stay?”
“You didn’t.”
“Well you know what? It’s just something you’ll have to go through and get over,” he answered seriously. “People aren’t flawless; sometimes they fall short. You fell short, yes. But conversely, they sometimes step up and rise above themselves and do the unexpected. Maybe he’ll surprise you, Jess.”
“But what if he doesn’t?”
“Then he doesn’t! And I’ll be here for you if that’s the case,” he promised. “But life is funny and unpredictable and can push pretty hard, but if you push back, you’re likely to discover that the person you love has decided to love you back. And just maybe… he’ll surprise you.
“I don’t know…”
“Jess. You have to tell him.”
How many times did I tell you before it finally got through?
You lose, you lose
“Hey,” I say nervously, managing to catch Ryan as he’s coming down the staircase. The sunlight from the window above us casts a haloes’ glow over him, and I almost immediately want to cry.
“Are you okay?” he questions, looking more like Justin than I’ve ever cared to admit.
I nod, though I know my face says otherwise. “Can we talk?”
“Okay, clearly it’s bad news,” he guesses.
I bite my bottom lip and look towards the top of the steps. “I think we should talk in private.”
He obligingly turns and heads back upstairs towards our bedroom with me following closely behind. Timidly, I close the door and shut my eyes as I lean against it. “It is bad news,” I confirm.
“I’m a big boy, I can take it,” he claims.
That’s great and all, I’m just not sure that I can. “Yeah…”
“Well all right.”
I exhale sharply and begin to stutter out an apology. “I’m-I’m… I’m sorry…”
“Jess, it can’t be that bad,” he encourages. “Unless you’re gonna tell me you just had sex with Justin downstairs,” he chuckles in a ridiculously painful twist of irony.
I look at him guiltily before my eyes begin darting around the room and finally land on th floor. Fuck, I hate guilt. I mean, obviously this is my fault, and if I hadn’t made the mistake, none of this would be happening. Sure, do no harm seems simple enough “ you enter a relationship and you do everything in your power not to fuck it up. But everyone slips somewhere along the line, I guess. First, harm happens, and then guilt happens, and then you’re fucked; because there’s no handbook about how to deal with guilt. And it never goes anywhere on its own, it just brings its friends, doubt and insecurity. So now I’m standing here, all guilty and insecure, and I still haven’t even admitted anything yet. I’m just staring, guiltily.
“Jessica…”
“I did sleep with Justin,” I croak out, swallowing hard after my admission.
“What?” he frowns. “While I was in the shower?”
“No, it was… a while ago.”
“When?”
“A few weeks ago.”
“When, Jessica?”
“In January. When I went to New York.”
He glares at me for a long while and begins to shake his head. “And I knew “ didn’t I ask you? I knew when you got back that there was something wrong with you.”
“I know.”
“And then you let me invite him here? And had me hanging out with him all the fuckign time,” he begins to shout.
“I’m sorry.”
“And I assume this is why he and Rie broke up?” I nod shamefully as he scoffs. “So I’m the last to know.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Fuck you, Jessica.”
“I honestly never meant to hurt you “ I just… I dunno.”
“You’re fucking selfish as hell,” he says sternly.
“I know.”
“And I knew…” He shakes his head as his blue eyes bore into mine. “I knew you were in love with him, but I attempted this anyway. I tried to make you happy, tried to get your mind off of him, I tried to be your one,” he explains. “Because… I dunno. I thought you were too good to waste your time on some asshole that didn’t give a shit about you. But here I am doing the same thing, so who am I to try to save you from anything, huh.”
“Ryan, I know I fucked up, but I honestly do care--.”
“Save it, Jessica. I’m done being your backup plan.” He looks to his suitcases and then looks back at me before turning back to the door
“Please don’t leave.”
“Why? Then you and Justin can be alone together,” he retorts harshly. “Or are you two not happy together unless you’re fucking with other people?”
“Please don’t do this,” I whisper.
“You did this.”
“And I’m sorry.”
“Give me one good reason to stay.”
“Because you’re right,” I shrug. “He doesn’t give a shit about me “ not the way I thought I wanted him to, anyway. And I don’t plan to spend my life chasing some dream I don’t necessarily want to come true. Because I found something real and I cannot afford to let you walk away.”
“And what brought you to this stunning revelation?”
“I dunno, I just… I guess I realized that my love for Justin came from a place of envy.” I look down to the floor again, as my epiphany materializes into actual words. “Six billion people “ six billion souls walking the earth’s surface, and I was filling the holes in my life by wanting the one I couldn’t have. And meanwhile, this amazing man “ you “ came along to show me that I wasn’t…” I have to pause, because I feel myself about to cry, and I’ve been so determined not to let him see me crack.
Ryan’s looking down at me, but he seems unaffected. I feel like he’s slipping away.
“People think a soul mate is this perfect fit,” I go on to say, “and that’s what we all go around searching for. But the truth is, at least for me, a soul mate should be a mirror; the person who shows you everything that’s holding you back; the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life for the better. A true soul mate smacks you awake and tears down your walls “ the ones you’ve so tragically put up yourself “ the high, thick ones without doors or even holes. And that’s who you’ve been to me.
Justin’s my friend, and he always will be, but I don’t think he could ever attempt to love me the way you have. He’s that person to someone else, and that’s fine. I still love him, but he’s not who’s gonna save me from myself. You are. You woke me up and stood me at attention, and I… love you, Ryan. I love you in a pretend to like your taste in music, let you have the last pancake, finish your laundry and your sentences type of way. I love your smile, I love your intuitiveness, I love that you’ve tried so hard to love me, and I might literally die if you ever stopped. And yes, that’s an exaggeration, but I love you in a way that allows me to say the most embarrassing things without conviction, or even a hint of irony. And so I hope you’ll understand that just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to doesn’t mean that they don’t love you with all they have. I am so, so sorry for what I’ve done, but please don’t leave me. Please.”
He seems to be internalizing my little soliloquy as he stands across the room staring at the floor, and in the silence, we can hear Justin’s footsteps in the hallway. Ryan looks at me unyieldingly and says, “Jess… I respect the shit out of you for putting that out there, but…” He shakes his head and then makes a funny sound with his lips. “I ca”I “ I mean, you’re amazing. And you’re beautiful, and at the heart of it all, I know you’re a great person, but… you’ve got too much baggage. I just don’t have room for you in my life if they’re coming with you.”
And that’s when Justin knocks on the door. “I’m heading to the store; do you guys want anything?” I don’t answer, because I’m too close to losing it, and Ryan is too busy gathering his own bags, so Justin knocks again.
“Ryan, please don’t go,” I whisper shakily. I foolishly reach out to grab his arm, but he doesn’t allow me to hold on.
When he swings the door open, Justin is standing there, dumfounded at the sight of Ryan’s suitcases. “Hey man, you leavin’?”
Ryan doesn’t reply, but disappears down the staircase. I cover my eyes with my left hand, because I can’t bear to watch the distance between us turn into empty space. I still try to keep myself from showing my tears, but as the front door slams, and I know Ryan’s officially gone, I let myself sob. Because I did this, and there’s absolutely no one to blame but me.
So keep your love locked down
Your love locked down
“Jess?” Justin comes in, presumably to console me, but I back away before he reaches me. “Are you gonna be okay?”
“Please, just go.”
He keeps coming towards me, and tries to pull my hands from my face. “Jess, look at me.”
“Don’t fucking touch me!” I shout through my tears. “Leave me alone.”
Keeping your love locked down
Your love locked down
“It’ll be all right,” he presses. “This isn’t--.”
Since he won’t listen and keeps advancing towards me, I punch him in the chest, hoping he’ll get the message. “Go away, Justin!”
“Fine,” he relents. “I’ll be downstairs if you need me.”
“I won’t.”
Now keep your love locked down, your love locked down
Now keep your love locked down
You lose
>>>>>>>>>>
I’m not loving you way I wanted to
I bet no one knew I got no one new
It had been two weeks since Rie and Justin broke up, and as she promised to Jacqueline, she used that time to rediscover herself. And what she discovered was that she missed Justin terribly. She missed his voice, she missed his laugh, she missed his hands and how they so perfectly spanned the small of her back. She missed his kisses and his wit and how when he really smiled, both rows of his fucking flawless teeth lit up his face.
She saw that face in her dreams at night, and even worse, in her thoughts throughout the day. Every now and then, she got the urge to take the twisty trek though the Hills to his house, just to see if he was there. He’d called almost everyday since they split, leaving hangup messages on her voicemail, and she wanted to badly to answer and tell him that all was forgiven. But she’d made a pledge to herself to two weeks, and she kept it.
But now, two weeks had come and gone, and with all her anger pushed to the side, she could willingly admit that she missed him. So much so that she found herself maneuvering those winding hills that she hated, just to stop by his house and tell him that.
Know I said I’m through but got love for you
But I’m not loving you way I wanted to
Nervously, she pulled up to his ostentatious gates, entering the numeric codes to gain access inside. Climbing his mile long driveway, she considered turning around and forgetting about it altogether, but she figured if she made it this far, she might as well keep going. Chances were, he’d probably seen her car by then anyway.
It wasn’t until she was sitting at the top of his driveway, directly behind his white Rubicon that she realized this might have been a huge mistake. She could picture him sitting there in it, with Jessica, laughing at some inside joke, as they usually did, and she noted that it was going to be hard not to hate them for a while.
Nonetheless, she fearlessly stepped out of her car, taking a sweater with her to shield the slight March chill, and went to the front door. She hesitatingly rang the doorbell and waited for an answer.
Eventually, Rachael’s voice came over the intercom. “Hey Rie, it’s Rachael. I’ll be there in a second, okay?”
“All right,” she feigned a cheerful tone. Now, her heart was pounding, because she wondered if Justin told her to answer. Was it possible he didn’t want to talk to her? Had he actually been avoiding her as much as she had him? Were all those calls to say that he never wanted to see her again? All his cars were sitting in the driveway, so she knew he had to be home.
As these thoughts ran dangerously rampant, the door swung open to reveal Rachael, with wet hair and sweats thrown on, followed closely by Brennan. “Hi,” Rachael smiled.
“Hi,” Rie returned. She bent down quickly to pet the Boxer below her. “And hello to you, lady. I haven’t seen you in ages!”
“She’s missed you,” Rach noted, her Southern drawl melting her words into each other. “How’ve you been?”
Rie nodded vaguely. “Not bad, I guess… Not all that good either.” They shared an awkward laugh as Rie stood up again. “How’s Justin?”
“Pretty much the same,” she chuckled. She sounded a lot like Justin’s mother, Rie realized.
“Is he avoiding me?” she whispered.
“No, no. Not at all,” she turned back to the house. “Come on in.”
She began following his cousin inside before asking, “Are you sure he’s all right with this? I don’t wanna intrude.”
“Oh, please. You know you’re welcome here,” Rachael waved dismissively. “But he’s not here this weekend anyway; he went to Mexico with Jess for her birthday or whatever.”
“Oh…” Rie stopped in her tracks as her expression visibly fell from semi-happy to inimitably pissed.
“Yeah, I know…”
“Well. Good for him…”
“He’ll be back on Tuesday if you wanna come by then…”
Rie winced, not wanting to be rude, but finding it really hard not to be in light of this new information. She closed her eyes and shook her head. “I don’t think so. I’m just gonna go.”
“I understand, girl.”
“And could you do me a favor?”
“Don’t tell Justin you came by?” Rachael guessed.
“I know your loyalty is with him, but I would really appreciate it.”
“I won’t say anything,” she promised. “But for what it’s worth, we miss having you around, so… just for my sake, I hope you decide to come back,” she laughed.
“Honestly, I’ve missed you guys, too. But… your cousin, man.” She was shaking her head again and looking around the house. “I can’t keep going one step forward, two steps back; and he seems to like it that way, so…”
“No, I know. But he doesn’t mean any harm, he’s just… damaged goods.”
“I know,” Rie nodded. “But so am I, and he keeps kickin’ me around, shattering the pieces a little more every time. I just don’t have a lot left.” She looked to the door longingly and decided that it was time to go. “I should get outta here.”
“You sure? You don’t want some coffee or orange juice, or whatever that weird white juice is that you and Justin liked to drink?”
Truth be told, Rie just wanted to do a nice Rambo flip out of the window, but she calmly declined. “I appreciate it, but I’m just gonna go.”
“All right, well… it was good to see you.”
Rie nodded and opened the door. “You take care, all right?”
“You too, Rie.”
She exited the house, gusts of wind hitting her as she reached her car, and she realized that tears were being wisped down her cheeks. She shook her head, entering her Jeep, knowing that all she was doing now was trying to keep her head above water. Because she was so close to drowning in frustration at this point.
I’m not loving you way I wanted to
Where I wanna go, I don’t need you
“You did this,” she told herself out loud, turning on the car. “He wanted you, you walked away. You can’t be mad, Rie.” She reminded herself of that as she rolled back down his mile-long driveway, and out of his ostentatious gates. “This is what you wanted,” she repeated, taking on the curves and bends of Mulholland. “You can’t be mad.”
I been down this road too many times before
I’m not loving you way I wanted to
But the simple fact was that she was mad. She was mad at herself for giving up, and then giving in. She was mad at her mom for leaving, and her best friend for not staying. She was mad at Jess for finally thinking of herself at the most inopportune moment, and she was mad at everyone else for not telling her about it.
And Justin… God, what wasn’t she mad at him for. He had the gall to like her in the middle of all his shit, and then he went and fell in love with her. But not before sleeping with the one person in Hollywood she ever gave a shit about. And that cut her deep enough, but just when she was foolishly ready to look past it, he twisted the knife and went away with Jess. Yeah, she was definitely mad. And as she reached the pass at Mulholland and Cahuenga, she came to realize just how mad she was.
So keep your love locked down, your love locked down
Keeping your love locked down, your love locked down
Now keep your love locked down, your love locked down
“I HATE YOU, JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE!” she shouted at the top of her lungs. The car shook at the volume of her voice, her tears smeared across her face. And there it was, all the pain she tried so desperately to keep locked away. “I FUCKING HATE YOU.”
And although she knew she was lying to herself, she sat there and cried anyway. For all the mistakes she’d made, and all the losses she’d endured, and all the things she wished she could take back She cried as the turning light went from red to green and back to red. As the cars began to pile up behind her and she threw on her hazard lights, she cried. And despite trying to talk herself out of being mad about the situation, she certainly wasn’t about to pretend she was anything less than sad.
Now keep your love locked down
You lose
Lyrics: "Love Lockdown" - Kanye West (808s & Heartbreak)
Author's Chapter Notes:
Okay, I just have to say how sorry I am that I haven't updated in two months. Like seriously, I'm groveling right now lmao. I've had so many issues with this chapter, between hating it, and then hating Justin, and then losing what I wrote and trying to remember it all. SIGH. But I'm back, and I promise I'll try my best not to take this long again. I hope you guys can forgive me! I so appreciate everyone that's been reading, so I hope you stick with me just a little bit longer. LOVE YOU GUYS! -Ash
Story Tags: interracial unrequited boyfriendj love fiancej vulnerablej
