20:1 >> I Decided, Pt. 1
I don’t know why, but my story always seems to begin and end the same way. Meet a boy, listen to Justin, lose the boy. The details change here and there, but the chapters usually end up with me being alone.
I really thought “ or at least, wished like hell “ that this time would be different. But here I am, spending another weekend alone. Friday night, I went out with a few girlfriends and we spent the evening singing Single Ladies to one another. It was more fun than it sounds, but still, it was just a reminder of just how single I was. Last night, I watched Justin on SNL, seeing that no matter how low he gets, he’s still sitting on top of the rest of the world. Depressing. Now, it’s Sunday morning, and I’m making breakfast for one. How fucking pitiful.
Standing at my stove, I can see a black Lexus, identical to mine, pull into my driveway, and my heart drops to my stomach, because I’m imagining that it’s Ryan, but I don’t really know how that could possibly be true, so I contain myself.
But then I see that it is Ryan, and when he walks through my door, without knocking “ just like he used to do, it puts me at ease, oddly enough. Mostly, I hope that he plans to keep on doing it.
“Hey,” he announces tentatively.
He’s staring at me with those boyish blue eyes and I immediately melt. God, I hope he’s here for something good. “Hey.”
“Did you get my message?”
“The one where you didn’t say anything?” I nod and begin to wipe my hands on a dishtowel. “You want something to eat?”
“No… I umm “ I just ate.”
“Oh.”
“How’ve you been?” he wonders cautiously.
“Good enough,” I shrug, even though that’s not quite true. “Miserable,” I eventually append, not wanting to lie to him anymore.
Now he’s nodding. This is sufficiently awkward.
“How about you?”
“I’ve missed you.”
I smile weakly, gazing at him like I’ve never seen him before. “Is that why you called?”
He nodded.
“Does this mean you’re coming back?” I question hopefully.
“I should have never left,” he answers quietly.
“You had every right to…”
“I was an asshole.”
“I was the asshole,” I insist. “I asked a lot out of you.”
“And you had every right to,” he submits.
“I didn’t--.”
“Everyone needs something… to find something,” he says, walking towards me. “Everyone is cracked and broken, and everyone has to find that something to fix them; give them what they need; make them whole. And… I think that’s what I was sent here to do.”
I swallow hard just as tears began to spill onto my cheeks. “Really?”
“Did you mean what you said in Mexico? That I’m your soulmate?”
I nod again and bite my lip. “I love you,” I say quietly.
“I love you too, Jess.”
He moves closer and I instinctively pull him into a hug, entangling my arms and my heart and soul with his, and a calm seems to immediately fill the room. You guys, I think this may actually be it. A happy ending. Or at least, a new chapter with a different beginning.
I’ll take it.
>>>>>>>>>>
As dejected as Justin had been feeling about Rie turning him into a one night stand, he still couldn’t bring himself to give up on her. He texted her back, knowing she wouldn’t reply; he called, knowing she wouldn’t answer, he dropped by her apartment, knowing she wouldn’t buzz him inside. Oddly enough, he didn’t mind so much. If it meant that he was slowly pushing past her angry armor, he would stalk her for as long as it took.
It was just after 2 p.m. when Rie entered her apartment building, returning from an art exhibit. She noticed Justin sitting in the lobby as soon as she walked in, but he hadn’t seemed to notice her yet, so she inconspicuously waited for an elevator in a corner where she couldn’t be seen.
And Justin, with his unending bad luck when it came to Rie, looked up just in time to see her disappear onto the elevator. Knowing he didn’t have the patience to wait for an elevator, he shot over to the staircase and met her on the seventh floor.
“You are not making this easy, you know,” he huffed, as he’d just raced his way up seven flights of stairs. He caught her while she was unlocking her door.
“No one said it would be easy,” she shrugged.
“Why’d you leave?”
“I told you. I just couldn’t stay.”
“Then why’d you fuck me?”
“Because I wanted to fuck someone,” she answered evenly. “Obviously.”
“So is this how it’s gonna go now? You’re gonna turn into some cold ass bitch that’s gonna break my heart because I broke yours?” His breathing had resorted back to normal, and now he was standing as close to her as humanly possible, daring her to walk into her apartment without him. “Is this you not giving a fuck?”
“Justin, move,” she demanded, brushing his presence away.
“Why won’t you forgive me?”
“Well I planned to, but you were off in Mexico with your little girlfriend.”
“Rie, it was her birthday,” he sighed. “What did you want me to do?”
“I dunno, Justin, not go? With everything going on, why would you even want to go?”
“Because she’s my best friend,” he intimated. “That didn’t stop just because you and I broke up.”
“Good to know.” She finished unlocking her door and begrudgingly let him inside. She rolled her eyes and let out a big sigh at the mess her dear roommate left for her. “This fucking girl,” she mumbled.
“Damn, what hurricane ran through here?” Justin marveled, noting the scenery. Clothes were strewn across the small living room, dishes stashed in every corner of the even smaller kitchen, and several bags of trash met them at the front door.
“That would be Hurricane Jac,” Rie muttered in irritation. “I never realized that living with her would be the equivalent to moving into the city dump.”
“Well. My apartment’s clean.”
She turned to him with a frown and then began going through the mail on her kitchen counter. “And?”
“And… if you’d just forgive me, you could hang out there anytime you want.”
“Justin…”
“You could move in if you wanted to,” he added with raised eyebrows.
“Are you joking right now?”
“Hell, I will buy you an apartment. A townhouse in LA. Whatever you want, just please…”
Rie dropped her handful of envelopes and glared at him. “Now you’re gonna try to buy me? Really?” she impugned.
“Rie, I’m not--.”
“Don’t you dare throw your money in my face like that, Justin. I swear, I will beat you within an inch of your life,” she threatened angrily. “I am so serious.”
“I’m sorry,” he stated sincerely. “Seriously.”
She went back to going through her mail and ignoring him. “Whatever.”
“I just wanted to share with you.” When she glared at him again, he shrugged innocently. “You know, or not…”
“I don’t like you,” she announced dryly, pulling off her jacket.
Justin watched her throw it to her loveseat and decided to sit down himself. Getting completely comfortable, he grabbed her remote and turned on the television. “Just last night, you said you loved me.”
“I lied so you would sleep with me.”
“No, you’re lying right now.”
“Oh right, you’re the expert in lies,” she retorted absently.
“You lied first, Adrienne.”
“I’ve always told you some version of the truth.”
It was Justin’s turn to roll his eyes now. His attention drifted back to the television, where an infamous Glade commercial was currently airing. “You’re like this Glade woman,” he commented distractedly. “Lying about useless shit.”
“I resent that! That bitch is a pathological liar.”
“Exactly,” he agreed. “I don’t even know how she has any friends. All she does is lie to them, acting like she knows how to bake, telling her husband she does laundry. Glah-day,” he scoffed. “The fuck is that shit…”
Rie had been sifting through her mail, ignoring bills and anything for Jac, but she froze when she received a letter from one person she never expected to hear from. Ever. It was from her father. “What the hell?” she whispered. Immediately, she began to frown at the large envelope with his chicken-scratch handwriting scribbled across it.
For most of Rie’s life, it had just been her and her mother. There were a few years where her grandmother was a big part in her life, but after she passed, Tina had been the only influence worth mentioning. She knew nothing of her father except his name, that he lived in London, and that he hadn’t been around since she was four. Her mother never spoke ill of him, so despite the lack of communication, she didn’t necessarily have any bad feelings toward him, but she certainly didn’t have any good ones.
She couldn’t imagine what he must have wanted after twenty-two years of nothingness, and she didn’t even want to know how he managed to track her down, but she had to admit that she was eager to find out.
“Rie?” Justin realized that she had zoned out of their mindless argument.
Ignoring him, she tore open the large yellow envelope and pulled out another envelope “ this one much smaller and purple in color “ as well as a piece of paper. Frowning, she noted that the handwriting on the purple envelope unmistakably belonged to her mother, so she quickly dropped it, unsure of what the hell was going on.
“Rie, are you all right?” Justin turned around to see that her face appeared immobile in shock. “Rie?”
She glanced over the words her father had scribbled over the remaining sheet of paper:
Adrienne,
This is from your mother. She said to make sure you got this if anything happened to her.
Take care,
Timothy
She was still frowning and still so confused over everything, staring at the words her mother left for her: My Love was what she had written on the envelope. Ironically, long before Justin ever came into their lives, Tina always adored that song of his. She loved that two little words could say so much. It was so simple. And her daughter certainly had been the love of her life.
Rie sighed heavily, debating with herself over whether or not to open it. She wasn’t sure she was ready for whatever would be inside. Not when she’d already been an emotional wreck over Justin. This, whatever it was, just might send her over the edge.
“Rie, what’s wrong?” Justin approached her, slightly alarmed by her silence.
Finally, she looked up at him. She had panic written all over her face, so she didn’t have to say a word.
“What is this?” he questioned demandingly.
“I don’t know.”
He, too, glanced over the note from her father, and then at the envelope, and then back at Rie. “Who’s Timothy?”
“My dad.”
“Seriously?” She nodded and he looked back to all the papers on the counter. “Wow, I thought he was, like, dead. Or something.”
“Might as well be.”
“Rie--.”
“Oh yeah, I never mentioned that part. I have daddy issues as well,” she nodded. “God, how much more fucked up could I be.”
“Rie, don’t do that.”
“You need to go.”
“Why?”
“Because I’d rather be alone.”
“I don’t think you should be.”
“I need to be,” she maintained.
“You’ve been alone, and that didn’t get you much of anywhere, so why don’t you try something different,” he quipped, finally becoming frustrated with her constant defense mechanisms.
“Yeah well, I’ve been with you too, and that didn’t do shit for me either.”
“Rie, I am sorry.”
“Irrelevant.”
“Why are you doing this?” he shook his head. “Do you get some thrill out of shutting me out? Is it really that satisfying?”
“Yes. Yes it is.”
Ignoring her immature response, he began to pick up Tina’s letter from the counter, but Rie stopped him. “What?”
“Don’t touch my mother.”
“Rie, it’s an envelope. Not a person.”
“It’s all I have,” she replied sadly.
“Why haven’t you opened it yet?”
“I just don’t feel like it,” she shrugged. “Can you get up out of my business please?”
“What’s in here that you’re avoiding?” He slyly grabbed the envelope from her clutches and examined it.
“It’s nothing,” she dismissed, taking it back.
“It’s something.” He snatched it from her and then took her by the wrist, pulling her over to the couch. “She obviously wanted you to have it, Rie.”
“She obviously didn’t know that I would say goodbye before I received it and that I now can’t afford to read it.”
“Rie,” he looked her squarely in the eye.
She shot up from the couch again and began to collect the clothes that her roommate had scattered throughout the apartment. “I don’t have time for this.”
As she moved towards the back of the apartment, he opened up the letter, sealed in its violet envelope, and pulled out the matching paper, following behind her. “My darling Rie,” he started.
“Justin, stop,” she commanded.
He ignored her and went on. “I don’t have much time. Not literally, as in life time, but you’ll be picking me up for chemo soon, and my ever-punctual little girl, you’ll be before before I know it. But this is the last time you’ll ever hear from me--.”
“Please stop,” she began to beg, already tearing up at the words.
He took her hand into his and he stooped down to the floor, taking a seat against the hallway wall. Never letting go of her hand, he willed her to join him. “This is the last time you’ll ever hear from me, because now that I’m gone, I have only one thing left to tell you. No, it’s not to go to grad school, or to stick with the photography business. You’ll find your way “ I know that much.” He paused, watching her tears fall down her face, so he moved a little closer to her, squeezing her hand. “It’s okay,” he whispered.
“I miss her.”
“But if you can promise me anything at all, promise me that whenever you’re sad, or unsure, or you lose complete faith,” he kept reading, “that you’ll try to see yourself through my eyes. You, Adrienne Olivia Torrey, are exquisite.” She was sobbing already, so he gently moved her head so that it rested against his shoulder. “Exquisitely beautiful, exquisitely intelligent, exquisitely talented, and exquisitely unique. Trust me when I say this, and trust that you are equipped with the tools to be whomever you’d like.” He let out a sigh, as he was tearing up at Tina’s words as well.
“As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn’t supposed to ever let you down probably will. I apologize for that, because I never wanted to be that person. But, as you must know by now, you will have your heart broken probably more than once, and it’s harder every time. You’ll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken. You’ll fight with your best friend. You’ll blame a new love for things an old one did. You’ll cry because time is passing too fast. And you’ll lose someone you love. Actually, you’ll lose several people you love, so cherish them while they’re here, Rie. And what I hope for you is that you’ll take too many pictures, and you’ll laugh too much. I hope you’ll love big and fight hard and live out loud. You deserve it; because to be yourself in a world that’s constantly trying to change you is something you’ve mastered so beautifully.” Justin resisted the urge to start bawling right then and there, because it felt like Tina’s words were written specifically for him. It was hard to read, and it was hard to watch Rie listen, as she sat there squeezing his hand while tears crashed down her face. He couldn’t even imagine…
“Thank you for the honor of being your mother,” he read softly. “You made my life, Rie, and I’m just the introductory chapters in yours. I promise. I know that my absence is putting you through hell and back, but do not use this as an excuse not to rise to your potential. This is your life. Right now. And it doesn’t wait for you to get back on your feet.” He looked down and watched her wipe her face with one hand, her fingers still interlocked with his on the other. He squeezed it again and finished, “Remember that pain is a small, tiny, insignificant thing to a giant. You, my darling, are epic. I love you. Goodbye.”
She was on the verge of crumbling as his words melted into silence. The last words she would ever receive from her mother. She couldn’t believe it. She buried her face into his shoulder and just let it all out. “I miss her so much,” she cried out.
He turned so that he could give her a full hug, wanting to cry for her. Wanting to take away all that pain. Wanting to undo everything he did to make any of this worse on her. But all he could do was cry with her. He couldn’t take away the pain or undo the things he did. He just rubbed her back soothingly and rested his head over the top of her hair. “It’ll be okay,” he told her again. “I promise.”
And for an hour, he just let her cry.
>>>>>>>>>>
Once the tears had dried and Rie sobered up a bit, she moved to the other side of the hall, sitting directly across from Justin. “I feel naked.”
“I’ve seen you naked before,” he informed her as if she hadn’t known.
“Not like that,” she shook her head. “Why did you do that to me?”
“I thought…” he shrugged offhandedly and gave her an innocent glance. “I guess I just thought you needed it.”
“Does it ever stop being about you?” she sniffled. “I told you I wasn’t ready.”
“You needed it,” he repeated.
“How the fuck do you know what I need?”
“I don’t, Rie. But I think your mother does.”
“Don’t talk about my mother.”
“Why are you so damn mean all the time?”
“Why are you so damn annoying all the time?”
“I’m just trying to love you, Rie.” He rested his head against the wall, looking up at the ceiling. “I know where I went wrong, but you refuse to let me make it right.”
“There’s no point.”
“Yes! There is!” he combated. “Seriously, what is wrong with you?”
“What’s wrong with me?” she shouted.
“I mean, I tell you I like you and you’re okay with that. Somehow, you even managed to say it back without throwing up at the thought. But love…” he shook his head at the fact that she was so difficult sometimes. “Love, you run away from, so I say that I like you until I’m blue in the face, to the point where it doesn’t even mean shit anymore. So guess what, Rie? I love you. Like it or not, I fucking love you, and I’m sorry as hell for doing what I did to you, but I’m trying not to let it dictate the rest of our lives here.”
“We don’t have lives, Justin! We had three months! And they were great, but that does not a fairytale make,” she submitted eagerly. “And I didn’t run away from love, fuck you very much. I walked away because you hurt me.”
“Just like you always knew I would, right? Well love hurts, Rie. It’s gutwrenching and excruciating, and possibly the most masochistic thing anyone could ever do to themselves, but that’s how you know it’s working. And I’m sitting here dying, knowing that we’re so close to the good part, but you would rather keep hurting.”
“Why did it take everything falling apart for you to realize that?” she wondered. “Why couldn’t you fall in love with me when you had your shit together?”
“Because I very well may never have my shit together,” he replied. “And because you never will either. Like, I dunno, maybe you should go to life rehab or something… if they make that. Or we could just be broken together; content in all our fucked-upness. You know, you’re not perfect, I’m not perfect. We’re in repair, we’re not together, but we’re getting there. I thought that was the plan.”
“Just stop,” she shook her head. “I’m out of the broken business.”
“You’re just done. Over and out.”
“We’re done,” she nodded. “We don’t work.”
“We’re all… sandpaper and bare ass, huh.”
She couldn’t contain a chuckle at his analogy. “That’s gross, you know.”
“You’d be the ass.”
“We’re like Lennon and McCartney,” she reoffered sadly.
“They were amazing together, Rie.”
“Yeah, until they weren’t. While it lasted, it was great, sure; but then, they couldn’t even be friends.”
“That’s not us then.”
“Yeah, it is. Just on a much… shorter scale.”
“I’m not done with you, Rie.”
“Are you done with Jessica?” she asked hopefully.
“I can’t”I don’t… what am I supposed to say to that?” he chuckled sullenly.
“Yes or no.”
“Well… no.”
“I figured as much,” she nodded despondently. “And the thing is, I think I outstayed my welcome in your little world. It just wasn’t real--.”
“It is, though.”
“It wasn’t, Justin. I was dreaming “ and with dreams, something really amazing is always happening. But then something knocks you awake “ in this case, that would be you and Jessica “ and even though you’re not fully out of it yet, you’ve realized that you are, in fact, dreaming. And even when you’re utterly disappointed, you try to go back to dreaming anyway, just because it was so damn good, but it’s never quite the same once you realize that it’s not real.”
“…Yeah… I get that,” he nodded. “I completely understand that. But just… I’m gonna ask you this and I want you to answer it honestly. If you say No, then fine, I’ll walk away and you never have to see me again.”
“Okay…”
“If you could erase the one day where I fucked it all up, would I still be the guy you thought I was? Would you still be willing to fall?”
She stared at him for a moment, trying to think of a way to excuse herself from answering. “That was two questions.”
“Well if your response to either one of them is yes, then we’re in better shape than I thought.” He smiled that smile that had immediately melted her heart back in October, and then hopped up from the floor.
As he offered his hand to help her up, she finally brought herself to ask, “Justin… why did you choose me?”
“I didn’t choose you any more than you chose me,” he shrugged. “I’ve learned that people come into your life randomly, they leave randomly. And if they add something to your life, if they make it just a little bit better than it was, then all you can really do is hope that they stay.”
She nodded before looking down to the floor.
“So what’s your answer?”
“If we could erase it all, yeah, Justin. I would still think you’re the most amazing man on the face of the planet. Fucked up and all,” she submitted gingerly. “But you can’t just erase it. Because if you take away the bad, you have to take away the good, and what’s the point in that?”
Seeing the logic in her logic, he relented. “Fair enough.”
“So… I think you should go now.”
“I can’t chase you forever,” he stated softly over the top of her head.
She closed her eyes quickly, wanting to shut out his words “ that was never something she wanted to hear. But she should’ve known that one of these days, she will have pushed him just a little too far. “I’ve just been waiting on you to figure that out,” she feigned accordance.
“So… I guess this is goodbye.”
Rie nodded awkwardly and began to walk him to the door. “It’s been a pleasure… Mostly.”
He held her hand one more time and studied her face as I did so. “I’m really glad I got to meet you, Rie.”
She could feel herself crumbling as he finally let go and walked away, but she quickly convinced herself that this was for the best. “Me too, Justin Timberlake.”
Author's Chapter Notes:
Okay, chicas, last chapter starts now! It'll end on some other day lol, but for now... enjoy! -Ash
Story Tags: interracial unrequited boyfriendj love fiancej vulnerablej
