This is good but your tenses and grammar are wrong in a few places. Little things like that can really ruin a good story.Author's Response: I'm English, could it just be that I'm writing in English not US English? If not, please be more specific and I'll look into them.
This is a very good story. it's also original too. it also appears that you are a very good writer too. Can't wait to read more and hope that you update sometime soon.
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