Behind Her Smile by Silverbaby


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Enjoy ^_^

*~* 3 *~*

 

 

 

She had brought Justin into the living for a moment as she explained to Renee that they would be going for a walk and retrieved her shoes and a jacket.

 

Now they strolled through darkening pathways in the park down the street from her apartment building. Her hand rested in his far back pocket, his arm wrapped around her shoulder and he pulled her securely near him.

 

Zaria hadn't said anything upon reaching their destination, unsure of what would be deemed proper speech at the moment. Justin was being weird, but she would let him. She would wait and see where this would take them. In the back of her mind, though, she had a feeling it might take them places she didn't want to go, mainly back to her family. She knew he was becoming more interested in her past, and she felt that soon enough she would have to open up to him; however, she wasn't very accomplished at talking about her feelings. It was a tight situation that could be the ruin or reincarnation of their relationship.

 

Justin felt almost content as he strolled along with his girlfriend beside him. There was just this incessant pricking at the back of his mind that wouldn't let him get too comfortable. There were things he was unsure about. Mainly how deep Zaria's feelings went.He knew she cared, but she was so vague in her sxpressions of emotions she left him wanting more. If she reassured him with a positive answer he would be fine. If she was unsure, however, he would be uneasy about the direction of their relationship.

 

They continued on in silence for a little way longer until the path split and it was either the way back to the parking lot or around the park another time. The sun was dipping beneath the skyline now, quivering from behind the trees and sending whispers of fading light through the branches. An elegant sight in the city of LA. To those who took time to break from their chaotic daily repetitions and actually enjoy their surroundings, it was a majestic time. To those engulfed in the uncertainties before them, it went unnoticed. Justin and Zaria belonged to the latter category. His hand moved to caress her hair. She sighed and momentarily dug her forehead into the side of his chest.

 

Justin cleared his throat, hoping the act would help him muster up the guile to say what he'd been rehearsing in his head."I don't want to seem like I'm freaking out on you or anything, but I've had a lot on my mind lately."

 

She nodded and slowed her step, pulling him to a halt with her. "Ok. What's up?" She asked because she felt she had to. In all honesty, she would rather not confront the skeletons he would pull from her closet. She removed her hand from his back pocket and placed it in her own. His arm dropped from her shoulder to his side.

 

"I'm just feeling like I'm putting more into this relationship than I'm getting out of it."

 

"Meaning?" She was looking at the ground.

 

"Meaning I'm not sure where I stand with you." His words had an uncanny effect, her head snappd upwards and her eyes were placed intently on his.

 

"You don't think I care about you?" She asked, her eyebrow arched and her lips were pursed in a questioning 'Oh'. This was not the line of conversation she'd thought they'd be walking down when she agreed to take a walk.

 

"It's not that. I'm just not sure how much." She looked surprised at his words and he hurried to explain the reasoning behind his doubgts. "I mean, I feel like I'm only scratching the surface with you. Like there's this whole other person that I haven't spoken with, or touched, or held. I don't know if I'm dating you or an image you made up."

 

"I've always been honest with you Justin... since the beginning. I might not go off into expansive details about my every waking thought, but believe me, you've had me as open as I've ever been with most people."

 

"But I'm not most people. I don't want to be treated like most people." His voice was low and urgent, as if his words would somehow lose their importance if he hesitated in speaking them. "I want to be treated like you actually give a damn about helping me learn to love you better."

 

Zaria took a step back, a little shaken by the 'L' word. Why did he have to throw love into the equation? Zaria knew she was in love with Justin, but she'd never spoken it to him. She was afraid that after that word was said it would be an obligation of hers to pour out her soul, and that was something she knew she wasn't ready for. She was silent for a moment trying to compose words through all the madness whirling in her head. He'd basically said he loved her. It's not the first time I've heard those words. She thought back to that time in high school- but no, she wouldn't go there now. The situation at hand called for her full attention.

 

Justin sighed, running a hand over his head and closing his eyes. This was not going so well. He wasn't sure what he'd expected. For some reason he thought she might aquiesce readily to his probings and they would fall even madder in love. They began walking again, slowly and deliberately towards the exit of the park. It was three blocks back to her apartment and they had plenty of time to discuss things.

 

Zaria spoke after a long lull in their conversation, slowly and resolutely. "Justin, there are some things that I could tell you about me, but at this point in our relationship I just don't feel good about disclosing them." Her voice held commanding resonance. Steady. She was holding her ground.

 

"So what, Zaria? You're just going to show me the door but not let me go through it?"

 

She looked at him. "I went through this with my last boyfriend, Justin, and I ended up hurt." She sighed heavily. "I don't want to go through that again." She added. She placed her hands in her jacket pockets. She was feelin uneasy bringing up her ex boyfriend. She'd never really told Justin about it. Come to think of it, Justin did have a reasonable argument, in that, she did withhold quite a bit of information from him. She had to think that if she was in his place, she would feel similar.

 

"That's the last thing I'm looking to do."

 

"That's what you say."

 

"It's the truth." He looked at her intently, taking in the fiery eyes and the gleaming golden brown skin. "I love you too much to hurt you intentionally." His hand moved to the small of her back, but she flinched a little and pulled away."

 

"You are moving too fast for me. I can't keep up with you." She said softly, looking away from him and off into the distant sunset. It was basically dark now. They were standing in front of her apartment building.

 

"Well, I'm sorry for being honest." He let out as if the words left a bitter taste in his mouth.

 

"I wish you would stop taking what I'm saying the wrong way." She sighed in frustration.

 

"How am I supposed to take it, Zaria?" He pondered irritatedly. He was tired of her avoiding any instance of romantic advances he made. It was hard enough having to get by with just scraps from her without her pushing him away."

 

"I like you Justin."

 

Justin was beginning to even doubt that.

 

"Take it for what it is. A simple statement that you don't have to blow up into some great mystery." He was quiet and she was tired of standing outside. "Are you going to come in?" She asked, her voice not very inviting. She already knew the answer. Tonight the tension between them was having a coming out party, and the monster was searching for any and every emotion it could get it's hands on, to feast on.

 

He shook his head. "No thank you." He shoved his hands in his pockets and blew air out of his jaws. "I'll call you tomorrow."

 

She nodded. "Ok."

 

And just like that they went their separate ways. Funny how things could become topsy turvy so quickly. People worked months and years at relationships and within the span of an hour all that work could come crashing down as jaggedly as waves upon a shore.

 

Zaria was hasty in returning to her apartment. She ditched the elevator and took the stairs. She was only on the second floor. Within minutes she was unlocking her door and returning to her home.

 



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