Lindsey rolled over and ran her hands through JC’s hair. He didn’t wake up, even flinch. That man can sleep through anything. Lindsey kissed his lax lips and sighed. She got comfortable, and tried to sort through the thoughts rolling through her head. She wanted to be the tour publicist; she’d want to, even if her boyfriend wasn’t in the mix. Lindsey knew she would say yes, and planned on telling JC this tomorrow morning. But going public? Lindsey wasn’t sure she would be able to handle that yet. Like she had told Jen, millions of girls would hate her. Mary and Patty had told her some of their encounters with fans, and they weren’t pleasant. Sighing, Lindsey climbed out of bed, put on a pair of JC’s boxers and t-shirt, grabbed the phone and went into the hallway.
Even though it was past midnight, but Lindsey knew she wouldn’t be waking Jen up. “Jen, it’s me.”
“Lindsey! What’s up?”
“I needed to talk to you about something.”
“Sure, shoot.”
Lindsey took a deep breath. “*NSYNC starts touring in two months, and I was offered the job of tour publicist.”
“Linds, that’s great!”
“Yeah, and I plan on taking it, but Melinda hadn’t told me about it, so when JC mentioned it today, I was so shocked…I don’t want him thinking that I don’t want to be with him…”
“I’m sure he doesn’t think that. And if you’re going to take the job, what does that matter?”
“Yeah…” Lindsey needed to tell someone. “He wants to go public.”
“What?” Jen knew Lindsey thought she wasn’t ready for that.
“He wants to go public. He said he doesn’t want to hide what he feels for me.”
“That’s sweet.”
“Yeah…but Mary and Patty told me about some of their fan encounters, and they weren’t fun.”
“Linds, is he worth it?”
“What?”
“Is he worth going out on a limb for? By going public, you’re committing yourself to something.”
“I’m already committed Jen.”
“I know that, but going public, it’s a huge step. I think you’re ready for it…but you have to make that decision. Are you willing to take that step with him? Is JC worth doing that for?”
Lindsey paused; he was. “Yes” she said quietly. “Jen, I’m falling in love with him, and it scares the hell out of me.”
“Linds, that’s great. But you need to be telling all of this to him.”
Lindsey nodded even though Jen couldn’t see her. She and JC needed to have a long talk.
The next morning, Lindsey awoke to singing in the shower. She rolled over and looked at the clock: 10. Thank goodness it was Sunday; Lindsey had stayed up too late thinking. She knew what she wanted to tell JC. Now she just needed to get the courage to tell him.
She wanted everything she had once wanted with Rick, with JC. She wanted to plan a future with him; she wanted to know that no matter what, he would be there for her, and she him. She wanted to meet his family, and for him to meet hers. Lindsey wanted everything with JC. She just couldn’t bring herself to tell him that because it scared her. She had been hurt once before, and never wanted to go there again. He would settle for what she was going to tell him.
“Babe, are you ok?” JC startled Lindsey, as she had been so lost in though.
“Yeah, I’m fine.” She patted the bed beside her. “Can we talk?”
JC sat down. “Yeah, what’s up?” He asked, even though he knew.
Lindsey took a deep breath. “I’m going to take the job on tour.” JC smiled. “And…I want to go public”or I don’t want to, but I want to for you.” Lindsey shook her head. “I want to go public because you want to go public. Does that make sense?”
JC’s smile grew. “Not really, but that’s ok.” He kissed her. “Thank you.”
Lindsey held her hand over her stomach, which for some reason was filled with butterflies. Tonight was her and JC’s one month anniversary. He would be picking her up in 10 minutes to have dinner at his house. Lindsey sighed and flopped down onto the couch. It was her one month anniversary with the man she was falling in love with”the man she had fallen in love with. This was the problem: Lindsey loved JC, there was no question about that. But how much of her heart was she willing to give? If she had her choice, none. She never wanted to hurt like that again. But she didn’t have a say; the heart is a funny thing. Lindsey knew she loved JC…but would she tell him? Probably not. She wasn’t ready to say the words. Sighing again, Lindsey lay down, trying to ignore her stomach while she waited for JC.
JC hummed as he walked to Lindsey’s door; he was very excited about tonight. He was going to tell Lindsey he loved her. He knew that she wasn’t ready to say it back, and he was ok with that…right now. But how would he feel when he said the words, and she didn’t return them? He needed to tell her though. Raising his hand to knock on the door, JC prepared himself mentally for an eventful night.
JC and Lindsey walked into JC’s house to hear something bubbling in the kitchen. “Shit!” JC ran into the kitchen to see what had happened. Lindsey entered and saw some sauce bubbling over the side of the pot, hissing as it burnt on his stove top.
“What happened?” Lindsey asked.
“The sauce burnt.”
“Sauce can get burnt?”
“Smart ass…” JC mumbled as he began to clean up the mess.
Lindsey hopped onto the counter and continued to tease JC. “You can’t call your girlfriend a smart ass! That’s not very nice…”
“Nice? You want me to be nice?” JC asked, turning around. There was a gleam in his eye, a look Lindsey should have been wary of.
Lindsey nodded. JC closed the distance between the two of them in two quick steps, wrapped his arm around Lindsey’s waist, pulling her off the counter and against his body. He nuzzled her neck, making her shiver. “Nice?” He asked quietly. The feel of his lips against her neck made Lindsey forget any retort she might have come up with.
JC continued to explore the soft area of Lindsey’s neck, until she stopped him. “Baby, unless you want to clean up another mess…” JC followed Lindsey’s stare and swore under his breath.
“The things I do for you lady…”
“Lindsey, baby…”
“Hmm?” Lindsey looked up from her desert. She had a bit of brownie on her cheek, and JC couldn’t resist kissing it off. Lost in the softness of her cheek, Lindsey asked, “Josh, was there something you wanted?”
JC straightened up and took hold of Lindsey’s hands. It was now or never. “Lindsey, I love you.” JC was met by a blank look. “I know you’re not ready to say it, and I’m ok with that…but I need you to know how I feel. I love you Lindsey.”
He was right; Lindsey wasn’t ready to say the words yet. Her face broke into a smile. “You know I do…right?” Lindsey asked quietly. JC nodded. Lindsey took his hands and led him upstairs. If she couldn’t tell him that she loved him, she could show him.
It had been a week since JC had told Lindsey he loved her. A week since they had last made love. A week since they had had a real date. A week since he felt things were truly ok with them. What could have gone wrong in a week? JC wondered. Nothing earth shattering had happened.
Lindsey began work as the tour publicist, and informed them all that they would be traveling to San Francisco for tour pictures in three weeks. She may have been nervous that JC’s parents were coming down next weekend, but when he asked her about it, she denied that was the source of her discomfort. He had asked if she was feeling ok, and her answer was a vague, “I’m feeling fine Josh”. If anything, JC would have expected Lindsey to be excited; Jen was coming down in two weeks. But no, Lindsey was a puzzle JC had yet to figure out.
“Jayce, man, you look so lost.” Justin commented the day before Jive’s party. They were in a wardrobe fitting. One of the many perks about being a celebrity is that you never have to shop; the designers bring the clothes to you.
JC ran a hand through his hair. “I don’t know what’s going on.” He sighed. “She won’t talk to me about it, and every time I ask her, she gives me a vague answer.”
“What are you talking about?” Justin asked. To him, JC and Lindsey looked fine. Hadn’t she been in her just 20 minutes ago and had sat in his lap?
JC paused, wondering how much to tell his little brother. “I told her I loved her.”
Justin’s hands stopped tying his tie. “Woah, Jayce, that’s awesome.” The look on JC’s face said it all. “She didn’t say it back, did she?”
JC shook his head. “No, but she said she did, like, ‘you know I do’…I didn’t think it would bother me this much…I knew she wasn’t ready to say it.”
“I don’t think it bothers you that she didn’t say it back…I think what’s bothering you is that she won’t talk to you about it…my guess is she’s pulling away.” Justin always surprised everyone with how mature he could be.
“Shit! That must be it. Lindsey said she’s only been in love once…and with the way that ended…”
“Ok, you know you can’t say that and then not tell me the story.”
JC obliged, hoping Justin could help him figure a few things out.
That night, Lindsey called JC, canceling their date. “I’m sorry honey, I’m just not feeling great, and I just want to go to sleep early tonight.”
“Do you want me to bring you soup?” JC asked, concerned.
“No thanks, I just feel ‘blah’.”
“Is this something I should be worried about catching?” JC hoped it wasn’t.
Lindsey sighed quietly. Honestly, she was talking to the reason she was feeling ‘blah’ on the phone. Rather than show him that she loved him, Lindsey had subconsciously decided to pull away from JC. Not only was it hurting him, it was killing her. But she didn’t know how to stop. She hadn’t even been aware that she was doing that until she had talked to Jen a few nights ago.
“Lindsey, why are you avoiding JC?”
“I told you, I’m not…things are just crazy around here.”
“Yet, he always seems to find time to see you, even if it’s to come say hi, and you can’t manage 10 minutes to go see him?”
“Jen, he loves me.”
“Yes, I know, you told me.”
“I just can’t say it. I don’t want to hurt like that again.”
Jen was getting frustrated with Lindsey; she had said she didn’t want Rick to run her life anymore, and here she was, letting her fear keep her from telling the man she loved that she loved him. “Doesn’t it hurt, Lindsey, to not be with him? To pull yourself away from him?”
“I’m not...”
“Just listen. Doesn’t it hurt to see the pain in his eyes every time he tells you he loves you, and you don’t say it back? Or when you turn away from him, or treat him like he’s not your boyfriend?”
Lindsey was silent momentarily. “I don’t know if I can do this Jen.”
Completely and totally frustrated with her friend, Jen said, “If you aren’t going to give yourself to JC 100%, then you don’t deserve him. You should just tell him that now so he can move on. Or…you can talk to him, embrace what you have with him.”
“Lindsey?” JC’s voice had her running back to reality. “Are you ok?”
“Yeah, and you don’t need to worry about catching anything. I think it’s just a lack of sleep and tons of work.’
JC still wasn’t convinced. “Are you sure you don’t want me to come over?”
“Thanks, but I’ll be fine. I’m going to get some sleep. I’ll see you tomorrow?”
“Yep, at 6.”
“Bye Josh.”
“Bye Linds, I love you.” JC’s heart broke a little when she hung up without saying anything. He had thought he was ok with her not saying it yet; he had convinced himself that he was. Now, he wasn’t so sure.
Lindsey held the phone in one hand, still up to her ear, while holding the dial tone button down with the other. “I love you too.” She whispered quietly.
Why couldn’t she tell JC that she loved him? Lindsey climbed into bed and turned on the TV. She knew why; because she was scared to death of being hurt. Those 10 months that Lindsey had been…she never wanted to go there again. Telling JC she loved him would make her vulnerable. Picking up the phone, Lindsey called Jen, again.
“Lindsey, you better be calling to tell me you told JC you love him.”
Lindsey smiled; she could always count on Jen to slap her back into reality. “Jen…I don’t want to be vulnerable.”
“What?”
“If I tell Josh that I love him, I’m opening myself up all over again.”
Jen didn’t try to hide her frustration. “Lindsey, listen to me. First, you’ve always been vulnerable. It’s who you are. Second, you opened yourself up the second you started feeling something for JC. You made yourself more vulnerable by dating him. And now, now you’re worried about it?”
Lindsey was silent. She knew she was thinking of excuses, and the only thing keeping her from telling JC that she loved him was fear. “I’m scared.” Lindsey whispered.
Jen was sick of this. “Lindsey, you know I love you, but there’s no way I’m going to sit hear and listen to you write off the best thing to happen to you.” Lindsey said nothing. “You’re going to walk away, aren’t you?”
“I didn’t say that.”
“You don’t have to say anything, I can tell.” Jen sighed; Lindsey needed to do a lot of thinking, and talking to Jen wasn’t helping her. “Just think about it, ok? Don’t walk away from him. You both deserve more than that.”
JC found himself at Justin’s house, waiting for him to answer the door. He had tried to ignore the voice in his head telling him that things were going to get worse before they got better. JC had not been successful.
“Jayce? Are you ok?” Justin asked, concerned at the sudden appearance of his friend.
“Yes…no…I don’t know…” JC ran a hand through her hair. “I don’t know what to do.”
“Come in, and then tell me what the hell you’re talking about.”
JC sat down on the couch and sighed. “She canceled our date tonight because she was feeling ‘blah’.”
“Did you want to get sick?” Justin asked, confused.
“I know she was lying. She wasn’t sick.”
“Why would she do that?”
This was not something JC wanted to think about, but he had no choice. “You’re right…she’s pulling away from me.” JC glanced upwards, trying to maintain his composure. “What if she walks away?”
“You can’t let her.” Justin sat down next to JC and put his hand on his shoulder. “Is what you two have together”what you can have together”worth fighting for? Is it worth the effort this might take?”
JC nodded. “Yes…she’s the piece of me that I didn’t know I was missing.”
“Then don’t let her go.”
JC sighed. If only it were that simple. He stood outside of Lindsey’s door, trying to think of something to say. When she opened it, every thought that he had left his head. Lindsey, in his mind, was the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen.
“You look amazing.” JC dropped a quick kiss on her lips, not failing to notice that she did nothing to respond. Taking her hand, they walked towards the elevator. Her hand felt so right in his. JC decided that he was going to do whatever it took to make her believe that he was different; he wasn’t going to walk away. Nothing was going to change that; he was here for the long haul. But how could he make her see that?
Patty and Mary sat down next to Lindsey, who had been sitting at the table by herself, lost in thought. JC was off somewhere with some important people. Lindsey kept a low profile during the business aspect of the night, as they weren’t out in the public yet. She really didn’t want to be there; she was trying to think of the best way to walk away from him. She couldn’t do this”no, she wouldn’t do this anymore. She wasn’t going to let herself get hurt again. Nothing came to mind, though; everything that she come up with would undoubtedly cause her pain too, perhaps more than with what had happened with Rick; after all, Rick had given her a reason to leave. JC…JC had done nothing wrong at all. In fact, JC had been amazing. So why on earth was she thinking about leaving?
“Earth to Lindsey!” Patty waved her hand in front of Lindsey’s face when the woman didn’t respond.
“What?”
Mary and Patty glanced at each other. They had heard through the grapevine that Lindsey had been acting weird lately. This was just the proof they needed.
“What are you doing sitting here by yourself?”
“Just thinking…”
“About?” Mary pressed. She normally would let it slip, but Chris was concerned, and so was she.
“Things…”
“You can’t get away with being that vague here, missy.” Patty said.
Lindsey sighed. This would be the first of several lies she planned on telling to escape a situation she was no longer sure she wanted to be in. “I’m still not feeling too great.”
Mary was about to disagree when JC magically appeared. “Linds, come on, let’s dance!” He grabbed her hand, not giving her time to protest, and led her out to the dance floor.
“Are you sure it’s ok if you dance with me?” Lindsey asked, not knowing where this sudden frustration was coming from.
“Woah, Linds, calm down. You’re the one who doesn’t want me to say anything, remember?” She nodded, feeling stupid. “Honey, as soon as you’re ready, I’m going to shout that you’re my lady.” Again, Lindsey nodded. “Come here, we’re dancing.” Holding one of her hands up, JC put his hand on her waist, guiding her around the dance floor.
When the first song ended, JC pulled Lindsey into a hug. “Baby, listen to the next song, ok? And think about what it’s saying. And remember…I love you.” She nodded, her confusion was evident.
I just don't understand
Why you're running from a good man baby
Why you wanna turn your back on love
Why you're already giving up
See I know you've been hurt before
But I swear I'll give you so much more
I swear I'll never let you down
Cause I swear it's you that I adore
And I can't help myself babe
Cause I think about you constantly
and my heart gets no rest over you
Lindsey was so shocked. He knew what she was thinking. Why did this surprise her? He always seemed to know what she was thinking, how she was feeling…it something she had liked about him.
You can call me selfish
But all I want is your love
You can call me hopeless baby
Cause I'm hopelessly in love
You can call me unperfect
But who's perfect?
Tell me what do I gotta do
To prove that I'm the only one for you
What's wrong with being selfish?
I'll be taking up your time
Until the day I make you realize
That for your there could be no one else
I just gotta have you for myself
Baby I would take good care of you
No matter what it is you're going through
I'll be there for you when you're in need
Baby believe in me
If love was a crime
Then punish me
I would die for you
Cause I don't want to live without you
Oh what can I do?
You can call me selfish
But all I want is your love
You can call me hopeless baby
Cause I'm hopelessly in love
You can call me unperfect
But who's perfect?
Tell me what do I gotta do
To prove that I'm the only one for you
Why do you keep us apart
Why won't you give up your heart
You know that we're meant to be together
Why do you push me away
All that I want is to give you love
Forever and ever and ever and ever
JC wasn’t going to let her walk away. He was going to let her go. Lindsey smiled; she was glad he was stubborn. If he wasn’t, then she might have lost the best thing to happen to her.
You can call me selfish
But all I want is your love
You can call me hopeless baby
Because I'm hopelessly in love
You can call me unperfect
But who's perfect?
Tell me what do I gotta do
To prove that I'm the only one for you
Selfishly I'm in love with you
Cause I've searched my soul
and know that it's you
Selfishly I'm in love with you
Cause I've searched my soul
and know that it's you
Selfishly I'm in love with you
Cause I've searched my soul
and know that it's you..
To prove that I'm the only one for you
So what's wrong with being selfish, selfish, selfish, selfish...
So what's wrong with being selfish...
Lindsey kissed him, no longer caring about the press or fans or anyone at the moment.
“Linds, baby, I love you. I’m not going anywhere, I promise you that.” Lindsey was silent, so JC continued saying anything he could to make sure she wouldn’t do the one thing that could break his heart. “How do I make you see that I’m not him? I would never do that to you, Linds. Baby, I love you.”
Lindsey’s lips silenced JC. “Josh, I love you too.”
He stopped moving. Did she really just say that? “What?”
“Josh, I love you, and I’m sorry if I ever made you doubt that.” She took his hand and led him outside to the terrace. He sat down and pulled her onto his lap. Bending his head to kiss her, Lindsey stopped him. “Baby, there’s something I need to tell you.”
“What is it?” JC asked, wanting to enjoy the moment; she loved him. He would never get tired of hearing her say that.
“Tonight…not just tonight, for a while now, I’ve been trying to think of a way to leave…” Continuing even though JC tried to say something, Lindsey took a deep breath. “Josh, I never want to hurt like that again, but it’s going to hurt just as much”if not more”if I walked away.” Tears formed in her eyes. She knew that this was no longer about dating, it was about her future. “I’m going to try. I love you.”
That was all JC needed to hear. Kissing her, he mumbled against her lips, “Why don’t we get out of here?”
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