Ok, how pathetic am I? Here I am, sitting at my desk in my tiny apartment, on a Saturday night, thinking about him. I’m 25, not too bad looking if I do say so myself, and could be any number of places if I had chosen to be, houses of families and friends, out with single friends. But I didn’t. And that’s because exactly 7 years ago, he walked out of my life. My best friend, the young man I was in love with. He confessed that he was in love with me too, and then had continued, saying it wouldn’t be fair of him to ask me to be with him. But that’s Josh for you, always thinking of others.
Where was I? Oh yeah, talking about that fateful night 7 years ago. It was two days after we graduated high school. I had known Josh forever, so it wasn’t unusual that he walked into my house without knocking, talked with my parents for a few minutes, or came into my room and shut the door. I knew Josh was planning on moving to Orlando to try and jump start his music career, or take it further than the Mickey Mouse Club had. The MMC was a blessing and a curse. A blessing as it had given Josh so many opportunities others could only dream of. A curse because it took him away from me every summer.
Anyways, I figured he was coming in to say goodbye. I hated that he was leaving, but knew it was what he had to do. He was going to make it. Josh had that quality about him that always drew the attention to him. It wasn’t his looks, although he didn’t lack in that department. No, it was more about his desire to entertain, to take others to a place they had never been before with his music. But back to saying goodbye.
Josh came into my room, sat down next to me on my bed, and took my hand. None of this was out of the ordinary. Josh leaning in and brushing his lips against mine, that was not part of our normal routine. He rested his forehead against mine and whispered, “I love you.”
My hand rested against his cheek as I whispered back, “I love you too.” My lips closed the gap and soon I forgot my surroundings. A knock on my door brought me back to the ground.
“Amanda, honey, mom and I are going out. Will you and Josh be ok?”
I shoved Josh in the stomach, trying to suppress his giggles. “We’ll be fine dad. Have fun!”
As soon as we heard the garage door close, Josh’s lips were on mine again. “Amanda, we should stop.”
“Why?” I asked, pressing myself closer to him. I wanted Josh to be my first. It didn’t matter that he would be leaving tomorrow for who knows how long, or that he’d have millions of girls throwing themselves at him when he made the big time, or if he would be mine for only tonight.
“Because I’m leaving tomorrow.”
I kissed him softly. “I want you to be my first.” JC was about to protest. “I know you want to Josh. Don’t tell me no.”
So yes, Josh was my first. We didn’t get to relish in our act, as my parents would be home soon. He did spend the night, but fully clothed. My parents never knew. They never knew we slept together, never knew we were in love. And I don’t blame them. Things didn’t change. They didn’t see me when I bawled my eyes out for the rest of the summer. I cried every day. The man I loved, the man I had given myself to, was in Florida, working 20 hour days. I didn’t known what bothered me more; the fact I couldn’t be there for him, he was working himself to the bone, or that I didn’t have him to myself. Every time I talked to him on the phone it tore at my heart with the tiredness in his voice, and my heart ripped when he told me he loved me.
Hearing him, hearing those words, but not being able to do much about them was driving me crazy. When he came home for Christmas that year, he came to see me.
“Amanda, what’s wrong?” He asked as we lay comfortably in my bed”fully clothed, I’d like to add.
I sat up. “Josh, I can’t do this.”
“What?” Josh asked, confused.
“I can’t watch you work yourself to death, I can’t bear to take up time you could be sleeping talking on the phone, and I can’t listen to you say you love me when I can’t show you how much I love you, I can’t even see you!”
“What are you saying?”
A tear rolled down my cheek. I remember because Josh wiped it away tenderly, almost causing me to change my mind. “Do you know how many guys have asked me out at school?”
Josh chuckled. “A lot, I’m guessing…you’re an awesome girl, and not too bad on the eyes.”
“This isn’t funny Josh.” I took a deep breath. “I can’t keep doing this. I tell them all no, because my heart belongs to you. I don’t want you to have my heart! I want to fall in love with someone I can see! I want…” I started becoming hysterical. What did I want? I wanted Josh, but that wasn’t possible. He made that clear. “I want you, but you won’t let us be. So, I can’t keep talking to you every week. How can I listen to you telling me you love me and then go out with a guy the next night? I feel so empty because I can’t see the man I love”hell, I barely talk to you!”
Josh looked down at his hands, knowing I was right. He wasn’t being fair, telling me he couldn’t be in a relationship but keeping me attached.
He kissed me softly, making up his mind. “You’re right, and I’m sorry. It was selfish of me.” Josh stood up. “I’ll let you move on, Amanda, and be happy. You deserve that, and someone who can be there for you.” He kissed me again and left, but not before saying. “I love you.”
That was the last time I heard those words from him. We talk occasionally, but nothing earth shattering. Just a ‘how are you?’ thing.
But anyways, I’m digressing again. I dated, I had fun, and I graduated college and got a job. But nothing, no one, ever filled the hole in my heart. And I’m beginning to realize that may be because there is no hole in my heart, because I’m still madly in love with Josh. There’s nothing that can change that. No amount of money, fame, or time can change my feelings for him.
I sighed. There’s no hope for my situation. I made it very clear that night 7 years ago what I wanted. The thing is, my wants haven’t changed. I just confused them. I want”I have always wanted Josh. He may be JC to the world, but to me, he’s just Josh.
It’s a tradition; every year, on Christmas Eve, I take time to think about him”our past, the brief time we shared together, and the future we could have had, if I had only seen what was in front of me. And what was in front of me was a man who was just as confused as I was, asking me without words to ask him to stay. And I didn’t. In fact, I asked him to leave.
A tear began to roll down my cheek. Crap, I’m crying over him again. How can I not? I haven’t been in love since, probably because I’m still in love with him.
There was a knock on the door. Who would be coming to my apartment at this hour? Glancing at the clock, I realized it was only 11”not late at all. I heaved myself up from my desk to answer the door. I didn’t bother to look through the peephole, but would I have believed it if I had seen it first? Nope.
There, on my doorstep, was the one and only Josh.
“Hi.” He said shyly.
“Hi.” My manners kicked in. Thank god for my mother. “Would you like to come in?”
“Sure.” Josh jammed his hands into his pockets and walked in. “Nice place you got here.” He said with a smile.
“It’s not much, but it’s home.”
“It’s perfect.”
An awkward silence filled the room. “So what are you doing here?”
Josh paused for a moment, thinking his words over carefully. “Do you have any regrets in your life?”
What? What kind of a question was that? “Who doesn’t have regret in their life?”
“That’s not what I mean Amanda.”
Oh crap, he means with us. “Yes, I do.”
“What is it?”
No way, I’m not telling him…not first at least. Wow, I sound like I’m five. “Do you?”
Josh smiled slightly and took my hand. Oh God, I forgot how nice his skin felt. “I have several. Would you like to hear them?”
I nodded, not trusting my mouth.
“First, I regret not taking you to prom as more than my friend. I knew I was in love with you then, but I was a chicken.”
I laughed at the memory. “Next?”
“I regret getting beige carpets in my house; they get stains so easily.”
Another laugh. Another way to avoid what was on his mind. I may not talk to Josh a lot anymore, again my own doing, but I know him. “And?”
“And letting you go. I should have fought for you 7 years ago, but I was stupid.” He leaned forward and kissed me quickly. “I still love you.”
My heart fluttered. You’ve got to be fucking kidding me. With everything that has happened to him, he still loves the dorky girl from next store. No way. But he did. I smiled as my heart melted. “I love you too.”
He kissed me again. All of a sudden, the tears I shed over him, over other men, the agony I went through, the awkward phone calls, everything was worth it. His words interrupted my thoughts. “Is there anyone else we need to tell about this?”
“What’s this?” I asked.
“Us…me and you….things will be different this time, babe. I love you, and every award show, you’re going to be by my side. I’m going to visit you, and you’ll visit me. I want you to get to know the other guys, and I want you in my life. I want you to be my life Amanda.”
Here we go, I thought. Josh is asking for the sun, moon, and stars all at once. He was asking for everything…asking for forever. And I wanted to give it to him. So why am I hesitating? Because I know he expects me to. I nodded and kissed him.
“So, my question before; is there a boyfriend or man we need to tell?”
I shook my head. “No, no one else has come close to you. There’s no one.”
Josh smiled. “No one else could ever come close, that’s why I’m here.”
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