My heart was breaking. I wanted to throw something. Yell. Scream. But instead I lay on the bed staring at him, wishing what I felt would go away. I was in love with the man beside me and at the same time completely empty. I had come to notice long ago that he was my boyfriend before I knew him. My lover before my friend. My savior before my enemy. I only knew half of him. The half that made me love him. But the other half of him was known by everyone but me.
You brushed the loose strands out of my face and even though your touch was warm, your eyes were cold. I saw something missing when I looked at you. You tried so hard to smile for me. Trying to cover up the fact that you hurt as much as I did. But you held on so well. Acting like the perfect boyfriend. Holding me when I cried. Laughing with me while watching movies. Helping me up when I fell. I never met anyone like you. Never. Your heart was my heart as mine was yours. You were the missing piece of my life. But as I held on so tight to you I let everything else fall. You don't complete me.
I loved you. Always did. Still do. And it's those nights I open my eyes from a nightmare and you're there beside me. Not bothered if I wake you up, just asking if I'm okay. And I am. You always make it okay. Always. I love you. Even the pain can't compare with the love. You make me smile. You make me want to live. You make me want more in life. You make me crumble when you look at me with those eyes. The eyes you give me when you're torn apart inside but still smile so that I feel better. It's okay to cry.
Today you weren't there. Didn't come home from work. Didn't call. Didn't bother. I didn't cry. I'm sorry. I went to bed without you. I fell asleep. I didn't wake up in a cold sweat, turning to you for comfort. I was fine without you. But I love you. And I want you. I cried when I thought about what I'd done. I don't need you. I don't want you to not need me. I live off your smiles and hugs and the meaningless silence when we just hold each other waiting for time to pass. So maybe you're not alone tonight. Maybe you never came home because you finally realized there was someone better than me. Maybe you realized that you don't have to be alone. In your absence I have come to see what was never there...
Us.
Do you ever get the feeling
That we started in the middle?
Or have you ever had the sense
That we've been lying just a little?
I mean come on
It's not like we've known ourselves that long.
And I can't say I really blame you
For being bored with the beginning
Always staring at the score
To figure out who's barely winning
But don't you know
There is a reason strong move slow.
And I'm okay
If you're okay with wasting time
But when you trace
You always see the bottom line.
We are tracing
I hope you know
We are tracing
And if you want to know the moment
I knew that I was still alone
I found I never learned your number
I only stored it in my phone
You'd think by now
I'd know the shape of calling home.
[Tracing - John Mayer]
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