For so many years I’ve watched you grow, mature, and gain so much knowledge from this world that we live in. The world you’ve been thrown into for so long.
When everyone doubted the group, you always kept a positive attitude, striving to achieve that dream you so desperately wanted to be true. And you did it. You did it. No words can express how proud I was and still am to see you every time you get on that stage, every time a song comes out of your mouth, every time you win a much deserved award.
Is it wrong that I was jealous because you had finally made your dreams come true, and I didn’t?
For so many years, I’ve watched you struggle to keep up with your conflicting identities. Never had I seen before someone take on all the hardships you faced. All the rumors, the let downs, the backstabbers, and the criticism. We both know you didn’t deserve it.
But you were always the stronger one; holding the weight of the world on your shoulders plus all my problems on top of that. Everyone had such high expectations from you. Expectations you were required to exceed. And you did, even if it meant missing a few of my birthdays along the way.
Is it wrong that I once believed music was more important to you than I was?
For so many years, I dealt with having you there one second and leave the next. At times we wouldn’t even be able to call each other because of your schedule or different time zones, the demand of having you appear on this that and the other.
It wasn’t fair to me. To have you poof in and out of my life just wasn’t fair. But the people, they wanted you. They craved to get a glimpse of you guys, and over time I realized that was just the way it was going to be.
Is it wrong that I wished I had you all to myself instead of sharing you with so many other people?
For so many years, I stayed back home in Memphis while you were out on tour, overseas, recording. I remember the way you would speak to me on the phone, bragging about all the celebrities you met. You even promised to send me and autographed picture of Brad Pitt for me to gawk over. And you did.
Is it wrong that I wished you were there, instead of some lousy poster?
For so many years, I would visit your old house to watch over your brothers when you couldn’t be there first hand to see them grow.
Although they were still young at the time, it comforted me to spot a part of you in their eyes, their hair, the way they laughed. I remember how they would jump up and down and point to the TV screen whenever you were on. I’d tell them you’d be home soon enough, not really knowing that myself.
Is it wrong that secretly, I hoped that our kids would turn out just like them?
For so many years, you begged me to stay with you on the road for the summer. But I refused. You were furious with me, to the point where we didn’t even speak to one another for a couple of weeks.
I sulked around, wondering why we couldn’t see eye to eye at that point. What you didn’t understand at the time was that that was your world. A world I didn’t want to get mixed up in, if I could avoid it.
Is it wrong that when we finally made up, everything in the world seemed right again?
For so many years, I watched as you searched for someone to love. Besides all the fame, the money, the success… you wanted more than that. And I couldn’t blame you. I would never dare to have told you about the way you made my heart beat fast just by looking at me, I couldn’t admit it.
So I agreed to help you on a search for the girl of your dreams. You went on a number of dates with countless women, whom you said just “didn’t feel right.” Somehow in the middle of it all, you asked me out on a date which I strangely gathered up the courage to accept. However, I knew I wasn’t the only one with a crush on you. So I did what I thought at the time was the right thing for a friend to do.
Is it wrong that I faked sick that night, to set you up with her instead?
For so many years, I stood by in the shadows, watching her have what I so wanted to experience. You both claimed your love for each other in every interview, every appearance, and it was evident on both of your albums.
You were so committed to her. Committed to her needs, her wants, her happiness. But I never would have guessed you’d find the missing link so soon. To watch you hold her hand so tightly, to wrap her into your arms, placing sweet kisses onto her lips… it was torture.
Is it wrong for me to have been totally miserable to see you happy with someone who wasn’t me?
For so many years, I tried to convince myself that you were where you were supposed to be, with whomever you were supposed to be with. And just when I had come to face the fact that maybe it was time for me to move on, it was over between you two.
It was horrible for me to see you so wrecked, so depressed. I couldn’t imagine how you were feeling, but oddly it was as if my own heart had been broken. For weeks and weeks you were so helpless, so… lifeless. I prayed every night for God to finally bring you the peace of mind you needed, and it took a very long while until I knew you were alright.
Is it wrong for me to have been sort of glad that you broken up?
For so many years, I’ve witnessed you in your darkest hours. Heartbreak after heartbreak, I was there to fly to whatever city you happened to be in, just to be by your side. I was there to see the sides of you everyone else didn’t care to see.
But I was willing to find the depths of you, to really search inside your soul. We would take walks along the beach, or stay inside and watch chick flicks to analyze all the dimensions love has. We would connect on a level so deep, it often scared me.
Is it wrong that I watched you sleep at night, whispering the thoughts I couldn’t find the strength to say when you're awake?
For so many years, I was there to support you when you needed someone to fall back on. When you made the decision to leave the group for a little while and try it on your own, I knew you wouldn’t take no for an answer.
While you were recording I waited by the phone for so many nights to hear about how your solo album was coming along. You sounded so tired, yet so thrilled at the same time. You told me you’d send over some demos. And you did.
Is it wrong that when those CDs came in the mail, I hoped there would be songs you had written about me?
For so many years, I’ve tried to understand how you keep going. I’m not sure how after all this time, you still got it.
It’s like you have a set of AA batteries in your system or something, you know. And that rubs off on me. You push me to be better than what I could ever think myself to be.
Is it wrong that I don't think I would have gotten anywhere in life if it wasn't for you to give me a push?
For so many years, I’ve wondered how you do the things you do. You have this amazing and unexplainable way of just blowing my mind quite unlike anyone I’ve come across in my life.
You’re truly a giver and sometimes you don’t even know it. I love that about you. You don’t expect any monuments or tall skyscrapers to be built under your name; you just want to make a difference. And you have… believe me. I love the way you make me smile without even trying, or the way you feel and smell whenever we hug. I love how you know me inside out.
Is it wrong that you have the capability to make me cry when I’m happy, and laugh when I’m sad?
For so many years, I’ve adored you from afar, too afraid to tell you how I really feel. The thought of rejection always lingering in the back of my mind; the fear of taking a chance, only to be left with a heart that would never be able to recover.
It’s not that I think you’d hurt me. It’s more of the idea I could hurt you. So I try to play it safe by just keeping our relationship mutual. I figure if it’s worked our whole lives, then that’s how it’s going to be, even if it tears me apart.
Is it wrong that the word ‘friend’ is only a sad reminder that I think that’s all we’re ever going to be?
For so many years, I’ve wondered what your love is like. I don’t mean the friend kind; I mean the “I want to spend the rest of my life with you” kind of love.
So desperately, I wanted to hear the words come out of your mouth. I longed to be the one you had been searching for. I fought the battles in my heart, my poor heart reaching out to yours. My mind flooded with dreams of our wedding day, raising a family, growing old together. Dreams that I now wish you would make a reality as well.
Is it wrong that I think about these things?
Is it wrong that I can’t stop these feelings, no matter how hard I try?
Is it wrong to sit here and do nothing about it?
Is it wrong for me to be walking up to your door like this at 2 in the morning?
Is it wrong to melt at the very sight of you, with your messy hair and tired eyes, dressed in grey sweatpants and a white shirt?
Is it wrong for me to not say any words and just press my forehead against yours?
Is it wrong that you’re looking at me with fiery eyes?
Is it wrong to feel such a rush, as we move closer together?
Is it wrong to have your lips press against mine, and have the rest of the world disappear?
Is it wrong that as soon as we lose the connection, all I want is to do it again?
Is it wrong that in this very moment, I finally believe our dreams have only begun?
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