I watch from my place at the small round table as he whisks you away for another dance. I still can’t believe I’m here or that I even let this all happen. Maybe I just wanted to see you happy. You are happy, right?
Who am I kidding? Of course you are. Look at you there, holding him close beneath the dimmed lights as everyone in this room watches on. Your dress is flowing down like a river of the Milky Way; your eyes are twinkling even brighter than all the diamonds you’re wearing. But how could such a beautiful picture be a heart-shattering vision in my eyes? Maybe, because I wish it was me there with you instead.
You know, as I was getting ready this morning I seriously had to pinch myself. There I was, bouncing back and forth between confessing my feelings during the ceremony, and letting you marry another man. But as I entered the church I knew I couldn’t let you go through with it. Something just didn’t feel right.
Oh, how my heart literally froze as your father escorted you down the aisle. It’s just what I had always imagined before. It was almost like everything was playing in slow motion, you taking it step by step, with every pair of eyes on you, forcing tears back with a wide grin. But unlike my dreams, it wasn’t me you were there to wed. It was him.
He took your hands and you faced him, looking so excited yet terrified as well. For a brief moment, I was able to catch the faintest hint of sadness in your face. You took deep breaths as he beamed at you with anticipation. You trembled a bit, and as you looked to me for reassurance, I mouthed the words “I’m right here”.
I’m sure you were nervous, but not any more than I was, trust me.
Then the moment came as the priest asked, “Does anyone here know a reason why this man and this woman should not be joined together? If so, speak now or forever hold your peace.”
Uneasily, I looked to my mother who was staring at me intently. I felt my hands shake in my pockets as the seconds ticked by. From across the altar your entire group of bridesmaids were gazing at me with questioning looks. Shoving my hands even further into my pockets I cleared my throat and stepped towards you.
“Excuse me,” I said as everyone turned their attention to me, “I, um… I have something to say.”
The church became a little noisy as everyone started mumbling to one another. I looked to my feet as you faced me and for a second, it felt as if my dream was a reality. I lifted my head up, trying to search for any emotion in your eyes, and found none.
“Yes, yes. Justin has something to say sis,” Corina said, patting me on the shoulder.
I looked to her with worried eyes, then to him, and back.
“Well, what is it?” He asked nervously.
I think somewhere deep down inside him; he knew I was a threat. Somehow he knew that I loved you and possibly, you had felt the same. I guess when you accepted his proposal he was convinced that that was the seal of the deal. You were going to be his, whether I would like it or not. That’s what gave me the courage to do what I was doing in the first place. I couldn’t let either of us not live the way we were supposed to… together.
Once more, I looked into your eyes, my heart breaking. I couldn’t do it, not like that. With a stiff smile I spoke.
“Congratulations,” I said, nodding, “to the both of you.”
You wrinkled your eyebrows at me, and all I could do was stand there like a fool.
“Wait, that’s it?” Corina asked, “But… but Justin-”
I held up my hand and sighed. “That’s it.”
I stepped back, allowing the priest to continue. I watched helplessly as you promised him your life and love forever. Hard as I tried, I couldn’t look away. With burning eyes I watched you share your first kiss as husband and wife and stroll together, disappearing into a horse-driven carriage, the way they do in fairy tales.
And here we are now. With out-of-the-corner-of-your-eye looks and forced smiles, here we are.
I’ve been sitting in the same spot for two hours now, and still haven’t found the courage to talk to you. Everyone keeps staring at me, their sympathy projecting through sad looks. I raise my hand to a waiter, grabbing a few drinks off his silver tray.
Downing one glass in a single gulp, I rub my tired eyes. I know that you look over to me every so often but we haven’t spoken to each other since the ceremony and it’s killing me. I feel like I just lost everything I’ve ever wanted out of this life of mine… and maybe I have.
Silently, I consider going up to the rooftop alone for the rest of the night. It’d probably be better off that way so you won’t have to see me sulk like this. I’m trying not to ruin your day but I can’t be here in this room right now. But I know that if I don’t pull together the courage to approach you, you’d spend the entire night trying to figure out what was bothering me. I mean, how horrible would that be if you were looking back on your wedding day photos, and there isn’t a single one of us together?
Unsteadily, I stand, cautiously making my way to the dance floor. The two of you twirl around, and you throw your head back laughing. I don’t know why but for some reason, it’s piercing my soul.
I’m so close to you now. So close I could touch you. But you lean forward and kiss him, as if he’s all you need. I back away in defeat, and find the closet exit.
I can hear people calling after me, but it’s no use. I’m taking off.
I run up several flights of stairs, wishing so hard that this night would be over. Furiously swinging the door open, the cold New York wind chills my body through the thin material of my shirt. I set my glass down, and hover over the ledge. Truthfully, it’s taking every muscle in me to refuse the temptation of jumping over this building right now.
But I don’t and settle for sitting on it, where I can see the traffic and city lights beneath me. From outside I can hear the party, and the music playing. I pull out an envelope from my pocket. It has you’re name on it.
Enclosed inside it is a letter I wrote to you a week ago. It explained all the things that I didn’t have the strength to tell you in person. After I was supposed to stop the wedding, I was going to take you away with me to a tropical getaway for the weekend. And if you called me crazy, which I’m sure you would have, I was going to give you the letter.
I used to feel so powerful and confident whenever I held it. But now, now it laid there fragile and crumpled, like me.
“Justin?”
My head snaps around quickly, and I see you standing behind me.
“What are you doing out here?” You ask, standing at my side.
“I needed some fresh air,” I shift my weight. “Shouldn’t you be back at the party?”
You fold your arms and tilt your head. “What’s a party without my best friend?” Hoping onto the cement you pull your shoes off and groan. “God these are killing me. What’s that you got there?”
I try to hide the paper behind my back but its too late, you’ve already snatched it.
“Hey, it has my name on it! What is it?”
“Nothing. Just hand it over,” I say, my arms waving frantically at your sides.
Giggling, you stuff it into your bra and stick your tongue out. “Too bad for you.”
All the hairs on my body stand up straight and my eyes widen. If you read that letter, I’ll vanish off the face of this earth.
“So tell me the real reason why you’re up here?”
“Tell me the real reason why you married him,” I say quickly.
“What?” You ask, in disbelief.
“I…,” I shake my head, “I mean… fresh air. I told you already.”
My body temperature rises with nervousness, hoping you’d let my slip-up go. You do.
“So what was that all about, back at the church?” You swing your feet like a child on a swing.
I cover my face shamefully. “I don’t know. Something came over me.”
“I’ll say.”
Once again, I try to change the subject. “Beautiful night, isn’t it? You know, they say-”
“Why am I getting the feeling you’re hiding something from me, Justin?”
“I’m not.”
“Yes, you are.”
“I’m just… surprised, that’s all,” I say, shrugging. “I mean… look at you. Married.”
“I know. It’s weird isn’t it?” You agree, as if you’ve just woken up and realized you’re somebody’s wife.
“Very.”
“You know,” you say softly, “when I used to dream about this day, I thought it would be… well, different.”
My ears perk up. “How so?”
“Let’s just say… things happen, or don’t happen for a reason.” You smile weakly at me and pat my thigh. “I guess you’re next then, hm?”
“To get married?” You nod. I chuckle and scratch the back of my neck. “I don’t think so.”
“What?” You stare at me in confusion, “You’re kidding.”
“No really,” I shake my head, “I just don’t see it happening.”
“Why not?” You ask, hand on your hip.
My head turns to face you, the moonlight reflecting in your eyes.
“Because,” I say, my voice so fragile, “I, too, dreamt of this day to be different.”
I watch as you bow your head, too shy to look at me. I glance back down at the lively city as Lifehouse’s “You and Me” floats through the night sky. Fighting back my tears, I review the words in my mind. They fit so perfectly.
All of the things that I want to say just aren't coming out right
I'm tripping on words
You've got my head spinning
I don't know where to go from here
“I should be going back now,” you say, breaking the silence. “You coming?”
I nibble on my tongue and shake my head. “Neh, I think I’m gonna stay up here for a little bit.”
You nod solemnly and pull the envelope back out, handing it to me.
“Here,” you say as I take it, “I’m sure if it’s important… you’d just tell me instead.”
I nod slowly. If you only knew.
You stand in front of me to slip your shoes back on. Your hands are placed on either sides of me for balance, our faces just inches away. I lean forward unintentionally, feeling your breath on my skin as your scent fills my senses. But I look away, not willing to risk the chance of doing something that would only mess up the situation.
“Thank you for being here,” You say, as I rise to my feet.
“Wouldn’t miss it.” I wrap my arms around you, holding you as tight and close to me as possible. I can feel a small puddle of your tears form on my right shoulder, as I try to prevent my own from beginning.
Then, your lips travel to my ear, whispering the words I’ve wanted to hear for so long.
“I love you, Justin.”
I fight back the lump in my throat, and sniffle. “I love you too.”
We let go of each other, and laugh at how silly we’re being. Calmly, you reach for my hands.
“I’ll see you in a little bit, okay?” You tip toe once more, to place a kiss on my cheek.
With one last squeeze of my hand, I watch you turn around and leave me like a fading star.
I bite my bottom lip, and glance at the letter once more. Without a second thought, I hold it out over the edge of the rooftop, ripping it into shreds that fall down to the side walk below like little snowflakes.
I look to the moon, in all its glowing glory, feeling so hollow inside. A gust of wind passes by, ruffling my white shirt like a risen white flag in surrender. I hold my glass up once more, making a toast to the day I met you, to the day I first realized I loved you, and to the day… that will never be.
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