I was still a bit shaken up by Lance’s question and was forever grateful when Chris interrupted us when he did. It made me forget about what I was faced with and have an excuse to do something else. JC came back down a while later, after putting Morgan to bed. Apparently my son was bushed after his bath and went to bed. But now I was standing in the kitchen, after dinner clearing up and JC had asked Chris to help him with something and Lance had decided to stay here with me.
“I know you still love me Tiff,” Lance said walking up to me by the sink as I rinsed the dishes. I tried not to look at him and just nodded. “I can see it in your eyes Tiff.”
“Don’t be silly,” I said to him trying to laugh it off but he refused to take the bait.
“I’m not Tiff and you know it,” Lance said leaning closer to me, “I’ve always been able to read your expression just by your eyes and you know that.” I sigh because he’s right. It was one of the things that made me fall in love with him, he could read me just by looking in my eyes
“So? That doesn’t mean anything,” I said with a shaky voice but Lance shook his head.
“No Tiff it does,” he said, “It means that you love me not Jayce and you know it.” I shook my head at his words, because yes I did love Lance but I now loved JC.
“You’re wrong,” I said in a whisper, and slowly turned to face him. “Yes, I did love you Lance, once, six years ago but then you left me and I had to move on.”
“So you fell in love with Jayce?” he asked with a tone of accusation and I shook my head.
“Both yes and no. I had to learn to stop loving you Lance, for our son and in the process I ended falling for Joshua,” I said and Lance looked at me with sadness.
“Why?” he asked quietly and I shrugged.
“Because he was there for me Lance,” I replied, “He was there for me when no one was.”
“But C was there and you didn’t fall in love with him,” Lance accused and I nodded.
“Yeah, but Chris has always been like a brother to me, and you know that. Joshua wasn’t, he was a friend yes, but he admitted he always had feelings for me and would never act on those because of you,” I replied but Lance snapped.
“But he did,” Lance said and again I nodded.
“Yes because I let him, he would have never done anything if I didn’t want to,” I replied, “I wanted someone to love me, because after you left I thought I was unlovable”
“But you weren’t,” Lance protested and I shook my head.
“I know, but it’s what you made me feel by leaving,” I said, “And when Joshua told me his true feelings for me, all of a sudden I felt whole again, I felt loved.”
“But I always loved you,” Lance pleaded running a hand along the counter top and I looked at him.
“Yeah, but then why did you leave Lance? Why did you desert me after I told you I was pregnant?” I asked with tears, and Lance shook his head.
“I was scared,” he said, “I was scared of failing as a father.”
“Yeah but by leaving you did Lance,” I said, “You failed both me and Morgan.”
“I’m sorry,” Lance said and I sighed looking up at the ceiling.
“I know you are Lance,” I said quietly, “And it’s taken me this long to realize it, but I can never come back to you. You came back too late, I fell along with Joshua along the way, and he loves me and Morgan.”
“I understand,” Lance said with a nod, but I could tell he was still hurting, “You need someone who loves both you and Morgan and Jayce can give you that. Jayce can give you something I can never give you.” I looked at him and he’d bowed his head, I leaned over and hugged him.
“You can Lance, and you did,” I said in whisper, “You did give me love but I’m sorry I had to move on.”
“I know,” he said hugging me back. “I know.” But truly I knew he didn’t, because I was still in love with him, but I could never go back to him. Not now or never, because if I did I would end up hurting the two people who loved me the most. My son and husband.
